Something about that man

[Guest]

I have known a man who is quite a bit older than me for nearly 25 years. I am in my 30's and he is in his 50"s. We had not seen each other for some time until about a year ago. The connection was there. We have not seen each other since, but have been in contact every day via e-mail and cell phones. He says that he can not see me because he does not trust himself in my presence. He is very attracted to me and combined with his feelings it would lead to something bad for both of us given the fact that we are both married. I cannot deny my feelings. I want to see him. I am consumed by thoughts of being physical with him. My attraction to him was not immediately physical when I saw him. The mental connection is amazing and I would love to be with him. We have our ups and downs, but I see past everything to the wonderful man that he is.

 

I know he is right in wanting to stay away from me, but I think it is self-destructive to deny how we feel. I desperately need to see him so I can know for certain if what I am feeling is real. How do I get him to meet with me so we can hash this out?

 

A day without talking to him is torture.

I know many people will be angry with me and tell me to stay away from him, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I've tried to let go. We both have, but we end up in the same place.

-------Denied

[whichwayisup]

Do you want to stay married? If not, then BOTH of you end your marriages and be together. You can't go "try" him out then decide OK, well it didn't work so now I'm with my hubby again - IF you want this guy, and he wants you, get divorced.

 

The heart wants what it wants?? WTF. YOU are married!! Part of responsibility of being married is giving up certain things, and the main one is LOVING and BEING with the man you married. Do you even love your husband? Do you have kids? Are you thinking of them at all or are you just so wrapped up in YOUR selfish desires???

 

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. That's just plain selfish! Your husband, his wife are completely in the dark and are innocent! They don't deserve to be hurt like this. And if there are children, add them into the mix, they don't deserve to be hurt either!

 

This guy is playing it smart by not seeing you. He KNOWS what will happen and is not putting himself IN a situation where something could happen. So, respect that and focus on your marriage!

[Outcast]

but the heart wants what the heart wants

 

Yeah. Today. And in a couple years the heart will want something else. The 'heart' isn't a very reliable indicator of what a person should do because a lot of things masquerade as 'heart'.

 

And nobody says that the heart ought to get what it wants, particularly when what it wants belongs to someone else. What if your heart wanted his car? Or his kid? Does that give you the right to go after them? Of course not. So how on earth can you justify taking the most precious belonging from someone- their loved one?

 

Either he grabs the gonads and leaves the marriage or not. In the latter case, you must cut off all contact with him and stay out of his life. For the sake of both your families.

[UnknowingOW]

Guest,

 

I had meet my xMM in my 30's and he is in his 50's too. We started off dating, and he told me he was divorced...that was 5-years ago.

I think why I am responding to your thread is this statement alone: "He says that he can not see me because he does not trust himself in my presence. He is very attracted to me and combined with his feelings it would lead to something... " This sounds EXACTLY like what mine said to me. Are you or he living in TN? LOL

 

The attraction for both of us was physical and mental. What a charmer he is. My xMM ran from me with just those words almost 5-years ago. He was spouting it was his age. Which I couldn't understand.

 

We stayed in contact via email, calls and instant messaging daily for the last few years. He finally came to my hometown and we spend two days together; that was last year. I held back. I wasn't ready to "give" myself to him. He's told me how much he loves me and has been in love with me over the last 5-years.

 

And this year he finally asked to see me. I agreed. And it was the most magical weekend of my life. I knew he was totally in love with me...and I with him.

 

What I didn't know...he was still married. :eek: :(

 

So speaking from experience you need to just walk away from this man. He may want to be with you, but are you willing to give up everything in your beliefs to be with him? Is it worth it to do so? And, just to let you know, they won't let go of you. You are "special" to them; but not "special" enough to make the real committment.

 

My X MM contacts me every day still...it's not worth holding onto something which can only give you a "bit" of their time. You deserve the whole package when it comes to love.

 

Good luck and take care...

 

Unk...

[Guest]

UnknowingOW,

Thank you so much for your post! It's nice to know somebody "gets it".

We have an odd relationship. He calls it a cosmic thread. I tend to agree. A monumnetal event connected us nearly 25 years ago and the bond remained unbroken even though we had not spoken in so long.

I knew I was in trouble a few months into our chats. I have tried a couple of times to back away. I told him I needed space. But he would e-mail me asking me how I am doing an I get roped in again.

 

He called me recently and told me that I needed a distinguished older man to sweep me off my feet and take me away. I remained silent and changed the subject. Put up or shut up buddy!

 

I care very much for him and we will always have a special connection. It's hard to think about letting go.

 

Just a side note: I am separated and headed for a divorce. My husband knows about this man and has spoken with him. I'm not hiding.

[UnknowingOW]

First, other posters are going to give you their verison of tough love; however some have never been in the position of the OW. Thus have no foundation(baseline/benchmark) to reference their POV. I am not saying they aren't not giving you good advice; just hard advice to swallow which can come across as harsh.

 

I know it's hard to think about letting go. There was 5-years of an EA going on with PA thrown in every once in a while. And the last meeting sent us both over the ledge where our feelings were concerned.

 

My XMM hated the fact he's in his late 50's and I am now in my early 40's, but look like late 20's to early 30's. Don't get me wrong he likes the way I look, but was always concerned about how we would be look in 20 years and if I would still want him. I always said age means nothing if you truly love someone.

 

But, it's awful when you have fallen in love with someone and find out they lied to you about their supposed divorce.

 

My xMM did the same thing...he would tell me to go out there and find some "distinguished" man or some "young" buck. And at the same time would say how he only wanted me and nothing else (this was all before I found out the truth about his marriage). He still says I am the only thing he wants and loves.

 

But it's a put up or shut up case with me. He's working on his marriage right now. I'm happy for him and even told him to go back when I learned the truth about him. You see, I never wanted to be an OW and he made me one unknowingly.

 

So, you know he's married. You know he's trying to stay away. He's telling you this because his marriage means something to him. Yes, you both do have a special connection. But, he'll never give you what you are needing from him. And that is the pill you have to swallow. It just means, he'll always care, but nothing else can come of this relationship.

 

It's up to you to decided...is it really worth it to concentrate on a relationship which has no chance of success? In my opinion the best thing is for you to give yourself time to deal with your divorce. It will take a lot out of you, and it typically takes 2-years to get past all the emotions of the divorce. So take this time for yourself to learn about who you are; what you want; and what you are willing to do to make your life better.

 

Good Luck and Hugs....

 

Unk-

[whichwayisup]

He's telling you this because his marriage means something to him.

So, respect him for that. Love him more for the fact he is not going to cheat on his wife and make you the OW in his life. He knows the boundries and isn't going to cross any lines there, physically.

 

You two met at the wrong time. He is married and not yours for taking. I'm sure it sucks and it hurts alot, but that is what the reality of your situation is.

 

UNK gave you some good advice, so listen to her.

[Outcast]

A monumnetal event connected us nearly 25 years ago

 

You were FIVE YEARS OLD!!!

[Guest]

Of course I understand what everybody is saying. I have not pushed the issue. i admit I would like to see him to find out what is really going on. I wanted to meet in a very public place only to talk. He would rather send me dirty e-mails and pictures of him when he was a younger man. I don't think he is afraid to see me because he wants to be faithful to his wife. I think it's because he is self conscious about his age.

I never cheated on my husband and I would not want to hurt another woman by sleeping with her husband. He tells me his marriage is "unconventional". What does that mean?

 

For the record, no I was not 5 years old! I said I was in my 30's, not 30. I said our connection begain NEARLY 25 years ago. It was 23 1/2 years ago and I am 37- do the math. It was nothing sick or perverted but very intense nonetheless.

 

Thank you for your input everyone! I'm not a bad person and do not intend to mess up anyone's life. I just wanted answers and closure one way or another.

[UnknowingOW]

Unconventional=I am willing to step out on my vows/wife...lol.

 

You aren't a bad person, so don't think that way. It's just really confusing when you have feelings for something which will never be complete.

 

And yes, it's difficult to keep a distance especially when you are going through a divorce and there is someone there listening to you...supporting you. Take time for yourself....you and (your children if you have any) are the most important thing at this time.