vista Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 So me and my gf of 15 months started to have problems about a month ago. Prior to this we always had the greatest relationship. Any small fights we had lasted 10 minutes and then they were water under the bridge. She has had some personal issues in the past where I'm sure most guys would've turned and run. I stuck by her side the whole time though. Well, she was out of town for a month and shortly after leaving we had another small fight. She finally returned my phone calls two days later and told me that she just needed time to think about things. Long story short (from info I gathered from mutual friends) she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me because she didn't think that I felt the same about her as she did about me. We spoke periodically and I always tried to convey how I truly felt for her and that she meant everything to me. Well, she came home the other day and we finally spoke in person yesterday. Up to this point she still had not told me herself why she needed this month of space. I finally got it out of her that she felt like even though I may love her now, that I would change my mind in the future and dump her; that she's not what I need. This couldn't be further from the truth. I tried telling her that if I were to have left her, it would have been months ago when she was having her personal issues. She continued to say that I would change and that I wouldn't want to be with her. I told her that it would be one thing if she didn't love me anymore, but that I wouldn't give up on her for thinking I would leave her in the future. She then told me she didn't love me anymore (which I don't believe). I told her if she really meant that, to say it again and I would leave. She did, so I said "ok" and walked out the door. I got to my car and could hear her crying at the top of her lungs. So, I went back in the house to find her curled up on the ground balling. I tried telling her that we've made it through all the problems in the past and this was no different. She refused to listen, so I left after 5 minutes. I truly love this girl with all my heart and was planning on proposing to her at the end of this year. I just don't understand what is going through her mind. It sounds like she has some insecurites and feels "inadequate". I will be graduating college at the end of this year. She doesn't go to college. That doesn't matter to me, but could it be the answer? I am stuck now on what to do. I just read that long NC thread but don't know if that's the answer. If she truly thinks that I will leave her in the future, shouldn't I keep contact to prove that I won't? Is there any way I can convey that she isn't inadequate and that she is everything I could ever need and want?
sad-in-seattle Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Man! If I could only find a guy like you. Ok, enough of day dreaming, it seems she has an intense fear of abandonment. It seems she is pushing you away because she thinks your going to leave anyways. I could be totally wrong, but if I were you I would just be persistent. I know it might be tough and it sucks to have to deal w/someone being so emotional and kinda "crazy", but if you love her and really want to spend the rest of your life with her - then that's what I'd do. I would just make it very apparent that I wasn't going to leave her alone. I would show up and be like I don't care if you cry and say you don't love me I'm not leaving. You can say you hate me... I'm just going to sit here and I'll be here everyday after that. See how she reacts.. if, of course, she's still telling you she doesn't love you after a while of doing this then I dunno.. but I would think she would come around and see that you are here to stay... Also: I mean it's deff that she is playing games. You said you'd leave if she would say she didn't love you. You set it up and she knocked em' down. She was just testing you that if she was at her worst to say how you'd react. The good thing is you came back! Most guys don't. It seems like a lot to deal with so it's really up to how much you can take, but if you can take alot I think there has to be a way to get through to her.
destination_unknown Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Sadly, I think no matter what you do you cannot convince your girlfriend that you won't leave her. These are issues she needs to deal with herself, and until she does, she will not have a stable relationship with anyone. Its so sad, because you seem so committed to her and that is really noble. But .. you can't fix her. To be a cliche machine - she can only fix herself. Could you maybe suggest councelling for her? Your young and its expensive, but it sounds like it would be worth it. Its very hard, because you are young and you deserve to be happy too, so how long do you wait around? Does she realise that her behaviour is iatrogenic? [this is my new word for the day: it means a treatment for a problem that only causes more problems!] Sticking by her side and proving to her that you are true may bring her around eventually, but she will still have a massive amount of work to do on herself. Also, after time you may lose something of yourself if you are getting nothing but mistrust in return, resentment may build. She is wrong to judge you but locked in her past. I don't think I can tell you NC or not, but I just wanted to say you are a good guy for loving her even with all her insecurities. I hope she can sort herself out before its too late for your relationship.
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 You didn't explain what she DOES do in life in the absense of college. If she has had issues in the past it can be very hard to come to terms with the fact that her greatest source of understanding and comfort (you) will soon be in a position to move on with his life upon the receipt of a Degree whether you intend to or not. Up till now you weren't in a position to go anywhere but that will soon change, in other words dumping her wasn't an option up to this point. She may realise what is required of her to at least match your opportunities and its too difficult right now and is tormenting her. I genuinely agree with you, she DOES still love you but people can often cut their losses. Some people think love is all powerful but it isn't. Some women can't go back to cheating husbands no matter how much they love them, mothers can't forgive a rapist son no matter how much they love them. There are some circumstances that love, however strong, cannot conquer and I think your girlfriend feels she is in such a circumstance now. A month apart is a lot of time to think and she may have come to some conclusions that are not accurate. The only advice I can give is to SHOW her she's not inadequate, don't SAY it, words are the weapons of the most skilled liars. It's easy to say "I don't want to move on honey" and then two hours later tell all your friends that you're going to have a huge job that pays large amounts of money that might serve to intimidate her. Be empathetic and patient it took time for her to develope this frame of mind, it'll take time to fix it.
Author vista Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 I understand where you are coming from. How do I show her she's not inadequate at this point though? As of this point don't see eachother.
Recommended Posts