differ Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I've only posted a couple of times but I feel compelled to tell our story for some reason today. I had been in a marraige with 2 kids for about 5 years and she had been married with 1 kid for 8 years. We met due to our company doing business with her company and we hit it off immediately. We began spending hours on end talking secretly and there was no misunderstanding that we had feelings for each other. We would go on double dates with our spouses and end up having a riotous time together with our spouses basically along for the ride. With no sexual encounters things became very emotionally intense so I walked away without so much as a goodbye or explanation, trying to do the right thing by my wife and kids. Fast forward 3 years of no contact. The entire time the OW was still on my mind daily, wondering how she was, missing her badly, the flame never even flickered. So I email to see if she's even reachable, I get a response that was beyond an asschewing for leaving her twisting in the wind and was advised never to write again. I persisted with replies of apology for not at least offering an explanation. Eventually she warms up to the idea and we meet. The connection was there even more than I had expected and we had a great talk, we were still in love. We began meeting regularly, both of us knowing that this time things were going to get physical, which they eventually did. Alot. Both of us were unhappy in our current marraiges, they were loveless and unaffectionate and existed for the sake of the kids, but you can only live like that for so long before you'll seek happiness. Thats my opinion anyway. Her relationship was not only loveless but physically abusive and mine was borderline mentally abusive, and we had found something with each other that I didn't know existed. It seemed like everything that went on between us felt how two people were supposed to feel. Love wasn't supposed to be something that had to be constantly worked at, and counseled over etc etc, it was supposed to be....well....love. We finally broke the news to our respective partners and after alot of drama and heartache we've now been married to each other for four years and to this day it couldn't be any more of a night and day difference when compared to our old relationships. The kids were spared from most of the drama and are very well adjusted, healthy and happy. Both ex's have moved on to new spouses and everyone sees the kids with plentiful visitation. If you ask them if they'd rather have things the way they were or the way they are, their answer is that they'd never go back, they've seen for themselves that everyone is happier and theres more love to go around now that the misery of the old marraiges has been replaced by what we have now, and this goes for all parties involved including the betrayed spouses. Sometimes there is happy endings in these situations.
lyfelite Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I completely agree. I know many couples who have had this experience. Affairs are not always negative experiences. Sometimes people really just aren't with the right people. I'm glad to see that both your families made happy adjustments. I believe that most do over time. Its about learing to except and love our loved ones for who they are and not how we want them to be. And I think kids and other family memebers ultimately want to see you happy its just painful in the beginning. Thank you very much for sharing your story.
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 You know, it's hard to read about outcomes like yours. Don't get me wrong, I am glad there is people out there who do have happy endings. I just wonder, how long does the happiness truly last? Does anyone know of a relationship that started out as an affair were both left there marriages to continue on an exclusive relationship ending up in marriage? If so has it lasted much longer than the poster who posted this thread? I don't think 4 years is enough to claim victory! My personal opinion would be that, trust issues would eventually arise, skepticism towards one anothers contact and closeness with the opposite sex would be an issue, which also might put doubt in each others true ability to be faithful to their significant other. personally I would always wonder.... if he could do this to his ex, why wouldn't he be able to do it to me. He's had the practice and has lied before. Wouldn't it just make it easier for him to do it again or vice versa?? I am a married women, temptation towards a MM has been an on and off issue with me for about 8 months. I choose not to go with an A, becuase I know it would damage my husband and children greatly. I think I would much rather control my impulses to be with MM than to do something I will regret later. I have my weak moments and believe me I struggle with it. It consumes me at times whereas I cannot concentrate at my job. I figure thats life! I should just put my best effort with my children and devote myself to the positive side of my relationship with my husband. Finally, what are the statistics involving happy endings? Does anyone know?
BUTAFLY Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 To answer guests question, I do know of a man who left his family for the OW, they married and had two children, but divorced 10 yrs later and still remain friends. he is now remarried again. My ex didn't so much leave his wife, but was kicked out and he ran into Ow arms. They have been married for 18month and by the looks of it seems to be going well . Differ's story goes to show every story is different and you give me a slight glimmer of hope men can be true to their feelings. and not strong armed and guilted to stay with his family. If the love is not there, its not there. Hiding behind contracts, counclers,the good ol'days, money and kids will not bring it back.
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Finally, what are the statistics involving happy endings? Does anyone know? Statistically, most marriages that are the result of extra-marital affairs tend to go badly. I read that somewhere.
November-Rain Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Guest- I think I have been in a similar situation as yours. I have struggled as well with feeling towards a MM. I really can't answer what the statistics are re: happy endings, all I know is that Differs happy ending is very rare, which is why I would not take a chance and lose everything I have for what might or might not end up as a happy ending.
consternation Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I personally know of two relationships that lasted long-term after starting as affairs. There may be more - after all, the fact that their relationship started as an affair isn't one that people announce to the world. Beware of statistics - for starters- nearly ALL marriages apparently don't last these days. I think the unlikely thing is for affairs to even make it into committed relationships. After that, the first 1-2 years I could understand being shakey. But I doubt there is any difference between partnerships starting as affairs and others after that initial period. There are no guarantees in any relationship. I personally think it's ridiculous to say a relationship ''failed'' because it lasted only 5 years, or 10 years. Not all relationships last forever - that doesn't mean that they weren't worthwhile.
consternation Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 There are 2 statistics in regards to marriages from affairs. 1. - in a study of professional men, only 3% married their OW after divorcing 2. - in another study by Frank Pittman, 75% of marriages from affairs failed (can't remember after how many years). Please note that both of these ''studies'' used methods that aren't considered to meet psychological professional standards etc etc, neither are acknowledged by peer review systems.
Guest/II Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 Very interesting topic. I am involved with a MM, he is currently seeking a divorce from his wife. We are to be married as soon as all papers are signed by soon to be ex-wife. I have some insecurities, how can I not! I am scared of taking the next step with him. It seems like we have worked so hard to get to this point, and now I'm not so sure I want to proceed any further. I know it sounds crazy, but I have suddenly developed guilt, over what we are about to do. MM's three boys all under the age of 12 loathe me and want nothing to do with me. On the other hand I have a 10 year old daughter who has never met her real Dad and would like nothing more than to have MM be her Dad. She loves him. Differ's post gives me a little hope as to what our future might hold, but not much. Differ states that all there children are well adjusted in their new enviroment. I am hoping that MM's boys and my daughter and I can eventually become one big happy family. I've read some of the statistics some of you have put out there, and sadly it does not go in my favor. I might just back out of getting married so soon after his divorce, and wait for a while and see what happens.
silktricks Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 I know a couple who started out as an affair (he was married, she was single but in a long term relationship). They have now been together about 8 years (married about 5) and have a child. I couldn't speak as to their happiness. (I personally think the man is a jerk and treats her like sh*t, but that's my opinion, which doesn't count.) On the other hand, I also know a woman (I've worked with her for years and years) who goes from married man to married man like a bee visiting flowers. Two men have left their wives for her - as soon as they did she was off to a new man. I don't think statistics mean much of anything. Who cares what happens 50%, 75% or even 99% of the time. When you come right down to it, each of us is basically concerned about what happens in our own life.
Author differ Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 For all the skeptics...I get what you're saying, statistically the odds are tiny at best. I know of one couple in a similar situation to ours that has been married 6 years or so, and that's the best I've seen. The success of the story has alot to do with the people involved. I give my ex wife alot of the credit. She was hurt badly but was also mature enough to know not to drag our sons into it. She agreed to let me have them 4 days a week and i agreed to pay much more than the state required in child support so that they would have a good lifestyle when they were at her house. Which they do....she spends the money on it's intended purposes. My wife now loves them as her own and the guy my ex is about to marry is a cool cat in my book. He's good to her, good to the boys, and I think because of the basic maturity level, and the realization by all parties that the kids not be caught in a war, made for a pretty amicable deal. I appreciate all of your feedback and responses btw.
sarme Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 It is really nice of you to share your story with us, I am a believer that things ARE possible in life even if the masses beleive they is not. I could not agree more that each situation is dependant of the people involved. I am dying to know, and I hope you will be honest in the response...it's just that it is not often we get the chance to hear the OM's prespective.... after you left your wife and started your life with your OW, did you EVER have any regrets or miss your ex-wife once you had what you had yearned for, for so long? I often wonder if people don't teater tawter back and forth in their feelings for the new person VS the ex they left behind to be with this person!?!?
Guest Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Differ, it is always nice to hear someone having a happy ending. It sounds like you and your wife's exes did a lot of things right (i.e. keeping out the drama) in terms of getting together. I wish you all the best and I hope that you and your wife have many more happy years to come. I wish life was simple, but I guess sometimes it has to get complicated first before it simplifies. My MM did not make me wait 3 years, but he is back and I can only hope that we will have the same kind of ending as you. I agree that love shouldn't be a constant battle... not to say relationships are not hard work, but it really shouldn't take a toll on you either. Best of luck. To the skeptics, 4 years may not be a long time to be married, but it probably took Differ and his wife a long time to get things in order so that they can be together. Differ, how long did it take from when you told your xW that you want to separate and divorce before you and your W could get married? Or even be together freely?
Paddy Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I wanted to thank you for sharing this. As a recently found out OM, I am now having to endure the painful experience of waiting on the sidelines while this woman with whom I've fallen in love, faces her marital issues in counseling. While we've known each other for six months, we've only been heavily involved the last month. It seems to fit with all the cliches of an extramarital affair: passion, romance, excitement, etc. However, it feels infinitely real to both of us. Your post was especially important because I spent the morning reading all the gloom and doom of these types of relationships. And, of course, there is tons of truth in those perspectives, however, it was nice to read something from the other side. Thanks again.
Paddy Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I think it's important to remember that just because a relationship that begins out of a extramarital affair may not last that long, does not necessarily make it a failed relationship. Like someone wisely pointed out most marriages don't work out these days regardless of their origin. And remember, a second marriage is probably less likely to have kids and thus may have less "glue" keeping it together--so yes, statistics are highly overrated. But again, I think my main point here is that just because a marriage born of an extramarital affair may hit the rocks after four or five years does not invalidate it wholesale. There could be a wonderful set of discoveries made by both people, it could be a real chance to feel deep romantic passion (which can be an incredibly life-affirming feeling, even if it doesn't last), and it can also lead to a new found sense of independence and self-reliance that may ultimately lead to making sounder choices in life. So, I think it's important for us not to simply reduce whether or not a relationship is successful based on it's length. Every relationship is different and may serve it's own highly individual functions. Thanks for listening. I love this forum.
Author differ Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 I am dying to know, and I hope you will be honest in the response...it's just that it is not often we get the chance to hear the OM's prespective.... after you left your wife and started your life with your OW, did you EVER have any regrets or miss your ex-wife once you had what you had yearned for, for so long? I often wonder if people don't teater tawter back and forth in their feelings for the new person VS the ex they left behind to be with this person!?!? I don't mind being honest at all. The answer is yes. No matter how well you feel like you know the OW or how much you love them, there is always uncertainty and when you stack it up with your old life and the comforts and familiarities within, I found myself longing for the things I had known for so many years. At the same time though, we had tried to reconcile enough times for me to know that it would be short lived and eventually I would be reminded of the miserable things that came along with familiarity. So I proceeded in the new direction and while theres things I regret (hurting anyone) I wouldn't change the outcome.
Author differ Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 I wanted to thank you for sharing this. As a recently found out OM, I am now having to endure the painful experience of waiting on the sidelines while this woman with whom I've fallen in love, faces her marital issues in counseling. While we've known each other for six months, we've only been heavily involved the last month. It seems to fit with all the cliches of an extramarital affair: passion, romance, excitement, etc. However, it feels infinitely real to both of us. Your post was especially important because I spent the morning reading all the gloom and doom of these types of relationships. And, of course, there is tons of truth in those perspectives, however, it was nice to read something from the other side. Thanks again. I remember when each of our respective spouses first found out....MAN, that was when i learned the true meaning of emotional turmoil. Talk about a roller coaster ride. I'm a stable rock of a person and I felt ragdolled by the whirlwinds of uncertainty through that part of it.
sarme Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Differ: thank you kindly for your candid answer. I supposed it is to be expected that the familiarity of your past would tug at your heartstrings.... Now if you don't mind me asking, was it a matter of you feeling like you were more compatible with your new woman or was it more a case of things just fizzled out with the ex, hence the new woman being more interesting? I know that every case is different but I also know that certaing elements have to exist in order for the outcome to shaped in a more postive way. I think that when the connection is mostly sexual people have a hard time letting go of the marriage and inevitably always go back. But when the connection is a deeper one that is when the revevaluation happens. And for all the nay sayers, 4 years is plenty of time to know that things will work out with someone, on the flip side 4 yrs is also more than enough time to know that a relationship is just not going to be long term. all the best Sam
Author differ Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 I thought long and hard before replying because I wanted to give you a better answer than to say....both. lol. Unfortunately, that's the case. I can say that when my current wife and I weren't sexually involved, and keeping our hands to ourselves we had fallen in love very early on, there was sexual attraction sure, but she was definitely far more interesting as a person than my ex was. She was more motivated, smarter, happier, funnier, more active, and just seemed to have so many more things in common with me (clean freak comes to mind lol). Whereas my ex-wife is a more gloomy type by comparison, not nearly as physically active, un-motivated, not as intelligent, and the exact opposite of a clean freak which made for alot of resentment because I was always cleaning up after her whereas now we work as a team. So as I mentioned, I knew early on she was much more interesting, and I was fizzled out with my ex and all the areas where we simply were not on the same page. Another lesson I learned is that getting married at 18 because you're horny and not having gone through normal life changes that your 20's bring is often a recipe for a divorce later on. It was in our case anyway.
sarme Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Differ: LOL that's cute that you thought long to avoid giving me an answer I might not want. but the truth is I much appreciate the sincere answer. Time and time again I keep reading that men who leave their wives to be with another woman, the new woman has to be a better version of what he has at home. And that would make sense since why on earth with someone go through the heartache and hassle of a divorce to trade in what you alreday have for something the same, simply because the sex is new and exciting. My man has told me all these things in fact he has gone as far to tell me that he has never met a woman like myself in his entire life. He assures me that his wife and he have little in common and that their personalities are just so different. He and I are very alike and we have the same goals and aspirirations in life and we are super compatible but sometimes I can't help but wonder if for him it's not just a case of it just beeing new. Though he does not shed much light into his rel with his wife or what she is like the few tidbits he does share solidify every single thing he tells me is wrong with that marriage and has been missing for so long. Right now, if you read my past posts, my rel has become a working one only, we were never physical beyond a few make out sessions here and there, it was true teen-age type love. We do a radio show together which we started last weekend and it blew our minds how well we worked together. It just seems that every aspect we look at is just so bang on between us, so I wonder if it's just a matter of being in that "in love" state or we really are THAT compatible. I can honestly say he embodies the perfect mate for me, as he has mentioned the same to me. It's weird I never thought I would meet a male version of myself but I did. But I keep wondering if it's just an illusion. this has never happened to me before where it was so perfectly matched right from the get go. I mean I've known this man for just over 6 months now and he never fails to amaze me, "we" never fail to amaze each other. just when we think we know what we need to know we shock ourselves at how similar we are. it's bizarre. I wonder, Differ, if you felt his way before too?
LittleWingedOne Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 That is an amazing story! I'm so glad it worked out for you. I generally think that OM/OW relationships are just bad bad news unless both people are willing to take the risk of change and possible heartache for true love.
Meaplus3 Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I completely agree. I know many couples who have had this experience. Affairs are not always negative experiences. Sometimes people really just aren't with the right people. I'm glad to see that both your families made happy adjustments. I believe that most do over time. Its about learing to except and love our loved ones for who they are and not how we want them to be. And I think kids and other family memebers ultimately want to see you happy its just painful in the beginning. Thank you very much for sharing your story. Well said lyfelite I do belive it's so very true that some people are just simply not with the right person.
Author differ Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Sarme, I can say with total conviction that that's exactly how we feel. Sure not every second of everyday is filled with us running through tall flowers catching butterflies and laughing....but the vast majority of the time we both sit in amazement at our compatability. We still become overwhelmed with a sense of "pinch me...is this for real" because we have it so good together. It seems to be an energy that continues to feed on itself and is always growing. Even after a few years we still tell each other how truly and deeply thankful we are for what the other does and who they are whereas in my last marraige we had long since fallen into a funk by this point. I dunno, we're simply soul mates and we've found each other, sometimes I guess it's that simple. And it's awesome.
travellingman Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 There are 2 statistics in regards to marriages from affairs. 1. - in a study of professional men, only 3% married their OW after divorcing 2. - in another study by Frank Pittman, 75% of marriages from affairs failed (can't remember after how many years). Please note that both of these ''studies'' used methods that aren't considered to meet psychological professional standards etc etc, neither are acknowledged by peer review systems. Frank Pittman is a joke. Hard to get good data on this, because all the counselors pumping out numbers are doing so to generate billable hours from struggling couples.
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