shillnj70 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Where to begin...... First let me give some of her emails she sent for all to read... "Dear SeanThank you so much for taking the time to send me the email, and for explaining your feelings to me. How you feel about anything that involves, me, you, us, or otherwise is important to me. Part of me feels like I have to analyze everything I want to say to you right now before I write it, and I felt that way in talking to you...like I had to think ahead and be careful in what I said to you this morning, last night, and when I talked to you about my family. I feel that you are quick to judge and look at me in a light where I may be dishonest or unfaithful to you. It makes me nervous and uncomfortableI can only be the person that I am. I can only share what has happened to me in my past. I am glad that I was able to make you feel so wonderful, and you made it easy as you were open, loving, caring, nurturing, and accepting of me. You ALLOWED me to be the best me with you. I know that you have never felt that way before. I am both thrilled and flattered that I can be the special person in your life who can do that WITH you, and not for youYou allowed yourself to be open with me. You wanted that with me, and many people who want that in a relationship are not capable of that due to past experiences or current inhibitions. You have gotten to know a "me" that has been reserved for someone very special. It came easy for me to be me because of how you were with me. In many ways we are "virgins" in giving our heart and emotional selves to peopleAfter Michael's death, I died inside. I have grown into a whole other person because of that loss, and I have become good at being my own best friend, and being happy alone in my life. I know that there is nothing I can't accomplish on my own, and I had even moved into an emotional arena of pulling away from people, and ending dating relationships because I was happier on my own. You know that I just ended a relationship before meeting you, and it was a good decision for meI never thought I would love a man, and want him to be my best friend. I feel an emotional connection with you that is on a very primal and deep level. The more I find out about what you have been through, especially what you told me last night, the more I see that we have had many similar experiences. You and I love and hurt in the same wayInterestingly enough, you are as perceptive as I am, and you write just as well in sharing your feelings. I can see that at times it is easier for you to put your thoughts into written form, than to verbalize your thoughts. I can hear what you say in what you write, and it hits me in a very deep placeYou comment about how people view you in your ability to be kind and compassionate, and they also take that to mean that you are naive and gullible. I have had people in my life who have reacted to me in the same way, and then they have been very shocked to see me stand up for myself and be strong in the face of adversity. Again, we are the same in heart. When you get angry, you well up with fear and nausea. You feel confusion. I am the same. You heard my strength of character on the phone with you. You know how serious I am about what I have said, but you also see a gentleness in me in talking to you, and a side that will not lash out at you I hate cell phones ringing all of the time. I hate being run by them. I hate people who are always interrupting life by taking calls. I think that it is rude. Being in close contact with my friends is important to me. We all get caught up in our lives, and it is easy to loose touch. I want to be able to have you be the center of my life without losing the people who are close to me. I have done that before, and I don't like when that happens. Even more than that, I really aspire to have couple friends with you, and I hope that over time, we can develop friendships with people to do things with. I have always wanted thatI love the us that we are. I love the quiet time together. There has not been enough time with you thus far, and I yearn for more. I am appreciative that your schedule and the summer time that we have left has allowed us to spend as much time as we have together, and I know I am selfish in wanting more of that. I have learned that there is nothing that can take the place of spending time with someone that I love. When all is said and done in life, all that is left is memories...that is all. I love the pictures that we have of us. I love holding you, and talking to you, being close to you at my house, or when we go out. Smiling and laughing with you has brought great joy to my heart, and I carry that with me wherever I go. People who I come into contact see that in me...my smile, my personality, my sense of humor...and you play a big part of me being that wayI do not know where this relationship will take us, but I know where is CAN take us. I know that we can develop an inseparable bond, friendship, and closeness that will nurture each other and continue to have us grow into the people that we want to be in life. I want to share all of the important moments in my life with you...and still, I know that you are unaware of what some of those important moments arePlaying with Harley...that is something that I have not been able to share with anyone. I saw such happiness in that animal, and it was important to me. Being with you at the ballgame...we were together in who we are for each other, and we enjoyed each otherNothing is perfect. We can't always be the best. We will make mistakes. Unconditional love is rare. We have grown in the time that we have known each other. I want to have you as a friend and a boyfriend who will have my "back" in all areas of my life...emotionally, physically...etc. I could have not been happier to see you yesterday. I missed you so much two nights agoSomeone once said to me that I am in a place where people need me more than I need them. This is true, and I want you which is more than having to need you. Someone also said that no matter what happens in a relationship, I am so solid in who I am that I will pick myself up, and move on and not be devastated. I will totally be OK. That is also correct. That does not mean that I will not be hurt. I hurt easily, as do you, and I will live with no regrets in my life, even when I make a mistake. In being OK in my life, that means that I have been able to master keeping people at a distance so I do not get hurt. With you Sean, I have kept you close to my heart...I have opened myself up to you because of what? Because of a sense of knowing who you are without being able to explain it, and knowing that who we are in our core are the sameIn your position last night would I have questioned what happened? Probably. Would I have handled it differently? Definitely. But, that is me. I hope that you will be able to learn from me, and I will be able to learn from you. I hope that we will be able to reach a point over time where there is nothing between us, except our skin, and at times, that too will seem to disappear...especially in making love to youI love you. That will not change. No matter how you look, what mood you are in, what errors you will make...I love you. I love you when you are at your handsome best. I love you when you are bothered. I am sorry that the hurt that you felt was due to my actionsIt is my wish that you will be able to tell me when something is bothering you at the time that it happens. That may not be the case. You might not want to cause a change in the mood, or you might feel that you will upset me. If I would have know that the text messaging bothered you, I could have been able to talk to you or make a change. That situation served to build into the one we had last night. I would be happy to share the messages that I receive with the friends that I have so that you get a sense of who they are. I like that we can text. I look forward to gets yours during the day, and I will enjoy hearing from you at school. Right now, or phone plans are such that will will need to text to keep in touch with each other, and you and I seem to be people who need to stay connected. At least, it is important to meI hope that I was able to convey love, understanding, my point of view, and acceptance of you in my letter. I too, and looking forward to an incredible weekend with you. I hope you will be able to be understanding of the joint pain, and the fatigue I feel at times. I am really looking forward to sharing my birthday with you. I am proud of how far I have come in my 39th year, and I am glad that you are getting to know the person that I am now. P.S. You are the only person in my life, and it will offend me for you to think or question otherwise. Yet, I understand due to past circumstances why you do. Not only are you the only man in my life. You are the only man that I WANT in my life. That does not mean that you can not request reassurance. I hope that when you look back at these past few weeks, you see ME and not your past." " Sean Thank you for sending me the beautiful flowers. They are so very perfect, and as I said to you on the phone, they made my day I so enjoyed our phone conversation with you last night, and I know that we have both being paying for all of the late hours that we have been keeping, but I have no regrets I have never opened my heart so quickly to someone upon meeting them. I have such a calmness inside me when I am with you, and when I talk to you. When you look into my eyes and you smile, I feel what you feel for me, and I feel your happiness. The words today do not seem to flow like they usually do, and I wish I could put what I feel into more tangible terms for you. It is probably the exhaustion that I am feeling I appreciate who you are, your experiences in life, your sense of humour, your kindness, your gentle touch on my back, your kisses late at night...your thoughtfulness in remembering what is important to me. I appreciate the way that you are genuine with Harley, that you trusted in me enough to bring me to your parents, and to introduce me to your brother. You make me want to be the best part of me when I am with you, the most gentle and kind me, the most thoughtful and considerate me. I sense that you are proud of the person that I am, and I want to continue to make you proud in everything I do. I can't hug you enough, laugh with you enough, or kiss you enough. You touched my heart so quickly and so easily. I was ready for you, and I had no hesitation in embracing the person that you are We will each encounter difficulties in life as time goes on...it is inevitable. But, with you as my friend, and as someone who loves me, I can see that I will be able to draw strength from the love that you show me. I admire you Sean. In the challenges that you have faced in life, you keep inside of you the traits that you valued. With integrity you held them close to you. You did not compromise the person that you are for anyone or anything. You have strength of character and you have a gentle spirit which is very rare. I see who you are, and even in your most imperfect moment, you make me perfectly happy I am looking forward to sharing the rest of the summer with you, going away together in the fall, hearing about your accomplishments in business, spending time on the weekends together, seeing your parents and getting to know them better, taking tons of pictures together, sharing my kids with you, sharing my birthday with you...Because I have had so much hardship and misfortune, pain and anguish, I know have very lucky I am to have you in my life. Nothing that you say, and nothing that you do, is taken for granted You are a joy in my life. All My Love Christina now some background. We met 3 1/2 weeks ago. Chatted online for 4 hours plus. Very easy and comfortable, like we already knew one another. Great chemistry. We shared intimate details of our past(non sexual) and opened up alot. She is just 39, her last husband passed 3 years ago, and she had 2 ugly divorces. I am 35, never married. Both have no kids. We met later that first night. Great night, alot moree communication, flowed so well. Were becoming friends and close already. Went to diner after drink, and talked for a few more hours. Then to my place and talked till 8 am. Some intimacy, but natural and consentual by both, no sex however. More talking and getting to know all we could know about each other. First week spent 2 nights together and three the next weekend. Made love, talked alot and both really opened up completely. We both wanted to grow into best friends and more. Talked of trips and the future, goals etc. Both were amazed by level of comfort, we both listened, cared and talked and opened up so well. The best chemistry i have ever had. Pretty strong for her too. We were falling in love. no doubt. She showed it in all her actions, gestures, words, emails etc. Affectionate all of the time. Smiling all of the time and REAL smiles of joy! She told me she loves me and would always and we could do anything, and no matter if good or bad we would grow together and get stronger as frinds and as lovers/boyfriend/girlfirend. Both never felt so at ease and themselves with anyone, it was truly magical. I am not lying here. So reaal. Her ex died sudenly yet she was over him she said, no family really cause her mom didn't care and she beat er as a child. When husband died, she starved herself and went into coma, dialysis, kidney transplant, and now suffers from joint pain. But is on medication. Fully healthy otherwise. Very strong character, morals, honest, true, caring and very loving and understanding, she was the one I had no doubt. Spent many wonderrful days and nighst tohether, laughin, smiling, talking, being us and enjoying it all. Very intimate, and awesome lovemaking. Grwoing so strong so fast but never rushed and all natural. Read emails again and you will see how she cared . I took her out on her birthday for nice dinner at restuarant overlooking Manhattan. Awesome night, awesome food, great time! The best date/night I have ever had in my life. Took tons of pictures. (this was on 20th of August) Great night. Never forget. Got alot closer and the love showed from us both. People thought we were newly weds we seemed so happy and in love. Next day cold! Dont know why.... Asks for space. No reason.... She is stressed about school starting soon, shes a teacher. And bills are piling up and house needs stuff donw/work and $ is tight for her, all adds to stress. She had a great summer and stayed up late alot and caught up with friends. Mostly before we met. Bad relationship ended before we met. Supposed to go to Vermont this weekend, and planned trip in fall already. Wednesday of this week she leaves me voice mail. I am in a diffrent place in my life and this relationship is taking away from me and my goals. I am called needy and clingy..... she says in her email she cannot see me enough? I was never clingy or needy and she wanted me to talk about anything and open up to her. Read the mail if you forgot. She contradicts all she did and said and showed with her voicemail. Now all the sudden she wants me to not contact her and accept it for what it is. I don't get how someone says and does all she did(emails etc) and then just bails without wanting to talk, be friends, slow down nothing. Thats where I need help understanding this all. i care for her, and alot more! I completely opened uo to her and gave her my heart and she did too, she wanted that. I know from past situations not to chase her. that will only drive her away. I don't think one can say and do all she did and do what she is doing now, as if what we have never happened. I only hope she realizes this and calls me someday. I really need help, to understand, to make the right moves, to win her back. It was real... one does not write those kinds of emails if they don't love and care. And then just disappear, without talking, nothing. Please help. Thank you all Sean
Author shillnj70 Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 As much as you rocked my world in a positive and awesome way, you have now dropped me to perhaps the lowest level I have ever been at. You know that great smile only you bring out, it is nowhere in sightWhy don’t you read all you wrote me, think about all you told me and showed me in person. Think about all the special time we spent togetherReally think………. I do not want a response now. You really need time (more than 2 days to think. This much I know without a doubt. All your actions, words, gestures, kindness, caring, LOVE and affection contradicts all you said on that awful voicemail. Aside from the fact that you didn’t even have the courage to talk to me in person. I am so very confused. I don’t let anyone in my life. I don’t open up to anyone? I don’t and haven’t loved someone like I do you. Everything you did and said (emails especially) completely contradicts what you said this morning on my phone!! I wanted to be there for you and with you as you faced all lifes challenges, to grow with you. To add to your life like you told me I had already. I planned a great weekend for us; I planned a great and special birthday for you! I am not clingy, I am not needy. All your accusations contradict what you told me and showed me you felt for me and how I made you feel. If you don’t remember, read the emails I sent you!!!! You wrote them cause you felt it. I brought you to meet my family!! They liked you so much they were totally fine with us going to Vermont! (I bought candles yesterday, and was planning a nice dinner!) Think of the feelings I have to endear now to tell my parents who accepted you into their house and trusted us, to tell them now I am not going? Because you bailed on me? I gave my all to you! My heart, my soul! I wanted you in my life through good and bad times, to grow with me, to grow together! I fell for you, for Harley, and now I cannot have either? I would and still would do anything for you! Love does that, not what you are doing. I wanted to go on vacations with you, I wanted YOU! I understand you, or so I thought and I looked forward to growing as BEST FRIENDS and a lot more. I dreamed of having a family with you some day, something I felt, and never told you. If you are the sweet, kind, understanding, caring, loving, person you said you are and appear to be, then you will realize you have made a huge mistake. You will not hear from me after this. Only you know what is in that heart of yours Christina, only you know how I made you feel. Only you can think and I mean really think about this and us. You are not the type to just give up, you told me yourself……… If I did mean all you said and showed, then you cannot give up on us. That is not you! I know you pretty well. Please for the love of god hear my words…….You mean that much to me!! I am in a weird place now, its surreal and I hope I wake up and its just a bad dream. I hope when I awake you are next to me and I can hold you, and touch you and kiss you and love you like I want to and like you loved. That is my hope…… I hope my heartfelt words are heard Love Sean
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Dude, if you write sumthin smaller maybe ill read it
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