I can’t get over him, how long does it take?

[brokenherz]

What does it mean? It is over forever. Here I am almost a year later without my partner (15 years together) and I still can’t get over him. I’m so hurt and he even has a girlfriend and told me he doesn’t want me anymore. I still try to fix us. Why am I so obsessed with fixing us?

 

I’m so glad to have my daughter in my life but I can’t get over him. I’m filing divorce tomorrow because the legal separation doesn’t work out since he wants joint custody. I feel like nothing helps. I paint, I visit friends, I’m with my daughter and nothing seems to help me. Yes I even see a psychologist and she is great. Counseling seems to help the time I’m there but when I’m home again everything is the same. I’m depressed and want him back. I’m a strong person but I can’t handle this one. I write him letters or call him to get a response. I say anything to get his response and than I feel better, at least for an hour. He still says he loves me but he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He says he loves the other woman.

 

Now is there no chance for us anymore? Do I really have to stop getting him? What will help me? I think I’m turning bitter and I’m only 35.

[Gunny376]

The "tears" and sorrow came through over that one! I feel you!

 

A lot of this is just pyschological. A lot of it is just "brain chemistry" that you've no control over. Its there, and its real, ~ and then again its not. Its entirely possible to be in love with the one person who is the most destructive person ~ the most toxic person for you mentally, pyschogically, emotionally, physically there is for you.

 

You're addicted to this person ~ and he's not the best person for you! You need to overcome your addiction to him! Things he's done, and/or things he said had triggered bio-chemicals in your brain housing group which have made you addicted to him.

 

 

He's posin to you!

[CastingPearls]

When someone hurts you by abandoning your life together and crushing your plans for the future, it would be natural to become bitter. When he says he still loves you, he keeps your hope alive that maybe he'll be back. Who knows? In the meantime, he has a relationship while you are stuck, not able to move. You can't get over someone when you are conflicted. You were together for a long time and deeply invested. Noone wants to walk away from that if there is a chance of salvaging it, but his actions have been very hurtful and damaging. Would you really want him back? Keep on being strong for yourself and your daughter, try to make a life that will hold up with or without him, one that will make you content. Your happiness should not rely that heavily on someone else. Good luck.

[dgiirl]

Statistically, it takes 2 years to get over a divorce. Speaking with friends, it's more like 4 years! So you are a year into it, and it looks like you are making progress. You are painting, hanging out with loved ones, you are getting on with your life. I hope you'll agree that the pain is not as intense as it was on d-day?

 

However, you are the one hurting yourself! You are still contacting him and getting a momentary reassurance from him. He's telling you he loves you because he still cares about you as a human being, as the mother of his child, and he probably feels slightly guilty about the whole thing, he doesnt want to be completely mean and cruel to you, he's not a complete asshat, so he tells you he still loves you. Unfortunately, it just messes with your head because you probably read it differently than what it was intended. I noticed I would over analyze every small gesture my exh would do. If he wrote an email, and used my name in it, I'd think he wanted back lol. YOU need to break the cycle! If you want this pain to go away, you truely have to stop contacting him. Yes, it'll hurt, but you'll get through it. Do you really want to be there when he comes to tell you he's getting remarried? How much pain will you feel then? You have to let him go and have faith that if it's meant to be, he'll come back. But for some reason, right now, you are meant to go through this, and the quicker you stop fighting it, the sooner you'll get through it.

 

I constantly hear about people who break up, and as soon as the dumpee truely moves on from the relationship, the dumper wants them back. It's like the dumper can feel the connection break, and finally wakes up. Sadly, it's usually too late by then. But I think it's what you need to do.

 

And you have full control whether you'll become bitter or not. And why would you choose that? What possible benefit would you get out of that? You are punishing yourself for something HE did! He doesnt see your hurt or anger nearly as often as you do, cos he aint there!

 

I know it's so hard to let go, but you truely have to make an effort to refocus your thoughts everytime you think about him. The more you practice the easier it becomes. And if you find yourself wanting to call him, before you do, call up a friend or post here on LS! My best friend told me to call her up anytime I felt like calling him. Just tell her you have an urge to call asshat and need a distraction! Worked like a charm!!! She made me laugh so hard I totally forgot about him

 

You can SO do this!! You've made it a year so far. Just keep doing what your doing, focusing on your life, getting excited about painting or taking up new hobbies! Even when you dont get everything you want, life is still good.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good to see you B- even though you're hurting. I'm glad to hear the baby is doing well.

 

Are you still seeing a therapist??? I think that's a good idea.

[Ladyjane14]

What I’m filing divorce tomorrow because the legal separation doesn’t work out since he wants joint custody.

 

Why should you give a rat's patootie what his guy wants?

 

He still says he loves me.....

 

This is a bold-faced lie, Brokenherz. He's stringing you along. Would YOU treat someone you love the way he's treated you? .... No, of course you wouldn't. Ergo, he's lying to you.

 

My best advice to you is to NOT talk to him anymore. The only contact he should get from you is very short communications pertaining strictly to the child. That's it. Let your attorney handle the details of the divorce. That's what you're paying him/her to do.

 

And make sure you SKIN HIS ASS in the settlement too.

Whatever you get now will have to last you until your child is grown. (Get some of his retirement bennies while you're at it. Why not.)

 

Understand that you are wringing your hands and weeping over a man who isn't good enough to cry over. He abandoned his partner of 15 years, broken-hearted and PREGNANT... just so he could shack up with some trollop. In short, that means he's not worth the tears you've spent on him. He's not even a MAN in my book.

 

Dgiirl is right.... you're hurting yourself by holding onto him. You have to put him out of your life, and start being proactive in your healing. You have to CHOOSE to move on. Start making your daily decisions based on what's best for you and what's best for your daughter, and STOP caring about what 'Asshat' wants.

[brokenherz]

Thanks for the advice.

The no contact thing is so hard because he picks Lilly up every weekend. I see him and I melt. I have a chance to go to my folks in Germany for 3 month. Should I do that? Lilly is only 7 month old if I can get away from him for a while will that help? I don’t want to run away from the problem but the no contact while I see him every weekend…you know he tries very hard to engage me in conversations. I try not to look into his eyes and it doesn’t help.

 

He wants to solve the whole divorce in a friendly manner since we have Lilly. I agree but the difference is he is over me and I’m the one who is hurt. I’m the one who has to be strong not him. I wish I could stay away from him for 6 month. Will Lilly suffer from it? Lilly and I are happy together and he can still be there for her a little later in life. He hasn’t been that good with her anyways cause he needs his girlfriend or me around to handle her.

 

On 4th of July he brought his girlfriend into my home behind my back while he was watching Lilly. He got caught because I came home early. She is 14 years younger than him (not that age matter). Can you believe what he did? That is why I didn’t let him in anymore and he has to pick Lilly up. I don’t know how much more he has to hurt me before I don’t like him anymore.

 

I talked to my father (in Germany) last night. We discovered that my mother did behave in a similar way than me. My stepfather and my father cheated many times on my mother and she couldn’t break up with either one (She past away). She was holding on to them and couldn’t let go of them. I think I do the same thing. I also believe I pick similar men as my fathers and I hope I wont anymore. Hopefully I can see that and hopefully I will get over my Ex soon.

[brokenherz]

He promised to send me the revised legal separation by Tuesday. I will have my best friend and my lawyer look over it. Don’t worry I wont let him get away easy. I know he is a manipulator.

[Ladyjane14]

I wish I could stay away from him for 6 month. Will Lilly suffer from it? Lilly and I are happy together and he can still be there for her a little later in life. He hasn’t been that good with her anyways cause he needs his girlfriend or me around to handle her.

 

On 4th of July he brought his girlfriend into my home behind my back while he was watching Lilly. He got caught because I came home early.

 

I'll be honest.... I don't believe that a crappy father is better than none. In fact, I think it's just the opposite.

 

Your STBX is a lying, disrspectful, manipulative SNEAK. That's not what you want your daughter to grow up learning. This guy already KNOWS that he's hurting you. He's known it all along. He just doesn't give a **** about anything but what he wants.

 

Do you honestly think he will differentiate with your girl when she's older?

His track record has been to put HIMSELF first. He's given you no legitimate reason to believe he'll ever behave differently. All he's given you is worthless lip-service, meaningless words that he doesn't bother to PROVE in his actions.

 

My husband didn't need me around to "handle" our babies. He was INTERESTED enough to learn to do it. Fact is... when our babies were little, my husband was, at times, more comforting to them than I was. He could hold them and rock them, but they didn't associate him with DINNER.

 

The excuse that your STBX needs his nasty girlfriend around for the baby's sake is probably one of the absolute WORST rationalizations I've ever heard.

Heck yeah... I'd go to Germany for a nice extended stay. And if he pissed with me even just a little bit, I wouldn't come back either.

 

I don't know why you're having such a hard time putting this guy out of your life. He's just about the worst crum-bum I've ever heard of. He's got nothing of substance to offer to you or your daughter.

 

I can't believe he snuck his trollop into your home. That's just evil.

[Gunny376]

I'll be honest.... I don't believe that a crappy father is better than none. In fact, I think it's just the opposite.

 

Your STBX is a lying, disrspectful, manipulative SNEAK. That's not what you want your daughter to grow up learning. This guy already KNOWS that he's hurting you. He's known it all along. He just doesn't give a **** about anything but what he wants.

 

Do you honestly think he will differentiate with your girl when she's older?

His track record has been to put HIMSELF first. He's given you no legitimate reason to believe he'll ever behave differently. All he's given you is worthless lip-service, meaningless words that he doesn't bother to PROVE in his actions.

 

My husband didn't need me around to "handle" our babies. He was INTERESTED enough to learn to do it. Fact is... when our babies were little, my husband was, at times, more comforting to them than I was. He could hold them and rock them, but they didn't associate him with DINNER.

 

The excuse that your STBX needs his nasty girlfriend around for the baby's sake is probably one of the absolute WORST rationalizations I've ever heard.

Heck yeah... I'd go to Germany for a nice extended stay. And if he pissed with me even just a little bit, I wouldn't come back either.

 

I don't know why you're having such a hard time putting this guy out of your life. He's just about the worst crum-bum I've ever heard of. He's got nothing of substance to offer to you or your daughter.

 

I can't believe he snuck his trollop into your home. That's just evil.

 

And this guy has what the other 3.5 billion other men on the planet doesn't have? A cure for AIDS? A cure for cancer? He's Brad Pitt? He's worth millions? He's worth billions? He's not even a MAN in my book!You deserve better! You're selling yourself way too short! Your worth more than this azzhat!

[brokenherz]

I know you are right. He is an asshat.

 

I’ll try to be strong. I’m reading a bunch of books. Life after Divorce. Wow my future will be great…if that is what I want…it is all in the head.

 

On Wednesday I’ll see my Lawyer and after the ls or divorce is settled I’m going to Germany. I will join some group therapies.

 

Thanks everybody.

[Ladyjane14]

Wow my future will be great…if that is what I want…it is all in the head.

 

EXACTLY. :bunny:

You're more powerful than you realize, sweetie. All you've got to do is CHOOSE to heal and move on. Be proactive everyday. Be stern with yourself when you're tempted to wallow and limit the time you spend doing it. IOW, it's okay to give yourself time to feel your feelings.... but be strict and limit it to maybe 20-30 minutes a day at first. Then, be proactive and force your mental focus onto more positive things.

 

I think it's a great idea that you see your attorney before taking this trip. It's good to make sure you're always doing the right thing legally.

 

Don't forget to work on limiting contact with STBXH. You've got to PUT this guy out of your personal life, otherwise.... he's still able to mess with your head. He shouldn't be welcome to talk to you about anything other than essential parenting issues right now.

[brokenherz]

Haha I got a boyfriend now and he is super sweet. Wish me luck everybody. He is super sweet with Lilly too.

 

The LS with my soon to be ex is almost done and I got what I wanted. It can only get better. Thanks for helping me. And my ex...I don't care anymore. He doesn't know that I have a boyfriend. I wonder how he will react if he finds out. I wont tell him he will feel it...

[Gunny376]

"There is life after divorce!

 

And the guys that wear the white hats do ride off into the sunset!

 

Glad to hear things are going well for you and thanks for letting us know!

 

Be cool!

[Mz. Pixie]

Haha I got a boyfriend now and he is super sweet. Wish me luck everybody. He is super sweet with Lilly too.

 

The LS with my soon to be ex is almost done and I got what I wanted. It can only get better. Thanks for helping me. And my ex...I don't care anymore. He doesn't know that I have a boyfriend. I wonder how he will react if he finds out. I wont tell him he will feel it...

 

 

That's awesome BH!!! It's always darkest before the dawn.

[FlyingHigh]

B - Glad your last post was a happy one!

 

LJ, you never seem to amaze me with your direct approach! Love it!

 

Going through divorce myself. My STBXH, MotoMan is one slimeball. Yes, I'm formerly "TheWife". We had our own 9/11 where he was escorted by cops to pack and leave. We were going to settle our D amicably with a paralegal to avoid two lawyers. But the a$$h*le didn't have the balls to call to tell me he's changed his mind. I even made a nice dinner so that we could discuss the house. He was slimy. When he kept nodding his head, I came out and asked if he filed and he tried to backpaddle. Then all hell broke loose.

 

He called 911 and tried to accuse me of domestic violence, but it was another lie. No reports were filed. Of course, that same week, he accused me of stealing a note when it was on his dresser along with another note which he found while packing. Few nights before 9/11 he accused me of having a "boyfriend" when my GF's boyfriend called the house using her cellphone to make sure I got home safely. What a total hypocrite!!! Of course, I wasn't short with a comeback like, "The nerve of you to f**** assume that when you're the one who had a girlfriend for a mistress for 2-1/2 years of our 3 year marriage!"

 

The next day, that coward scum called the cop to "escort" him and his sister to move out as my neigbors watched in amusement. Of course, when the cop gave me one look (ME 5'3" 105 lb, H is 6'4" 230 and his sister is 5'10" 160), talked to me, he sneakered. I apologized for H's being such a "drama queen" and told the cop what had happened the night before. Cop smiled, talked to the two idiots and drove away.

 

H is gone from the house and it's sooooo peaceful. He's still lying and in contact w/his OW.

 

Am connecting with a long time friend unexpectely. We go back 12 years. He's seen me go through one marriage, now this one as I him through several girlfriends. We noticed each other the first time we met, but he was dating someone and I was married and we became great friends through all those years.

 

Last night, his cousins (husband and wife) flew in from out of state to cruise with him on his new yacht. Never met or talked to them, but they called on his cell, sang me a song (laughed my buns off) and in the end, his cousin said, "we think you're the one." Then his cousin's wife talked to me, excited to meet me and they invited me to a wedding in November to their home state. So, I guess he's told them a lot....

 

Needless to say, he's the total opposite from my passive aggressive, narcisstic, slimy XHTB. Unlike X, this guy is close to his family and relatives like me with mine.

 

So, there you go. Divorce can be the end of a verrrry bad thing, like staying with a scumbag.

 

Keep us posted. Good luck!!