Going to be the OW--UPDATE

[Guest]

It's amazing how helpful some constructive criticism can be. It wasn't fun to be told that I appeared to be things like narcissistic and immature for wanting to have an affair with my ex out of revenge and spite, but it sure did open my eyes a bit.

 

But I want to clarify a few things: My ex-boyfriend/MM is my "soul mate" (I hate using that phrase, but there is none better in this case). He is my soul mate, for better or for worse. I realize he is mostly "worse" for me, and that is why I broke up with him. After almost three years of an intense relationship--we spent most of our free time together, I slept at his house or he slept at mine nearly every night, holidays were all spent with my family or his, the sex was passionate and HOT--he could not answer me definitively about whether or not he wanted to marry me "someday" when I asked him. After asking him this question, he distanced himself from me for a week or two. The distance he created set off major warning bells in my head, and when I saw him again, I ended it. Even still, the amount of love and passion I felt for him has not been, and probably never will be, equaled. No matter what he is like, I cannot change that fact. He is not one to generally speak out loud about his feelings, so I have to believe him when he told me a couple of years ago that he now realizes I was his soul mate too.

 

All feelings aside, I understand that he is not the kind of man who would make a good husband--I have always justified breaking up with him to the people around me by saying, "He would make a wonderful father and provider, but he would be a terrible husband." He has an unusually large amount of pride--it is difficult for him to admit his mistakes and say he is wrong. Additionally, he is selfish and often put his own interests (job, friends, hobbies, family) before our relationship. He would never blow off his friends or family for my sake, but he had no trouble blowing me off for theirs.

 

As for his wife now, I went to school with her, grew up in the same small town, and I know her extremely well. She is a very jealous person who is competitive with most other women, and she was known for pursuing the boyfriends of other women she envied--and sometimes she succeeded. I am a year older than she is, and when we were children she would follow me around like a little puppy dog with envy in her eyes. When she found out my boyfriend and I broke up, she was able to make her move--moving in on my ex and getting him was a definitely a very large coup for her, and getting pregnant and having his child was an even larger coup than that. The problem is, I know through our shared social circles that she was really after my ex's best friend and roommate at the time, for whom she carried a torch since high school, and thought she could make this other guy jealous if she dated his best friend. She made it quite obvious, just trust me on this one. It really burns me that she may have only gotten involved with the man that I loved and wanted so much back then just for the sake of gaining the attention of another man. If I choose to sleep with her husband/my ex, I know I would be stooping to her level, but the amount of hatred I feel for her almost equals the amount of wounded ego I have because of what she did.

 

My ex and his wife almost got divorced between child number one and child number two because there is no real love between them--whatever existed between them before is gone. One person hit it right on the nose when they called my ex a "breeder" looking to use his wife as a "brood mare." Again, his ego is coming into play: He wants many children and, according to "inside sources," he wants them all "with the same mother." Unfortunately, according to him, he has "settled" for the woman he has since he got stuck with her, and is making the best of it for the sake of his progeny. It seems rather archacic, but his family is from the "old country" and are very devout Catholics, so a lot of the reason why he married the girl he knocked up was to appease them--he has always been at the mercy of his family and outwardly maintains their old-fashioned values. Inwardly, it is a very different story, obviously, because he wants to have an affair. Deep down, because of all of this, I am happy that I am not married to this man. He comes from a family where women "have their place" and put up with whatever the husbands want to do. I was wise enough to realize it back then, and I am still wise to the truth, but I can't help myself from wanting him still for so many reasons.

 

I realize that my obsessive need for revenge against his wife is unhealthy and it is something I need to reconcile with myself. I know he won't leave her and his children for me--I was never disillusioned about this. The only other reason I have for wanting to have sex with him at all now is to get the closure I need. I felt so rejected by him when we ended our relationship that I have never been able to recover fully from it. Having sex with him would affirm to me that he still wants me--would prove it if he put his money where his mouth is--and that our breakup wasn't because he didn't desire me. If I had this proof, I wouldn't feel like such a personal failure. These feelings I harbor have been holding me back from true intimacy with anyone else, they have been very destructive.

 

I can't help feeling that a one-night stand with my ex would cure me of everything, and that I could just put an end to it after that. It would be so easy to get away with it, to NOT get caught if we did it just one time. I could see how a full-blown affair could lead to major problems, but a one-night stand may be the answer.

 

I still don't know how I am going to resolve my problems with my husband--I don't really desire him sexually anymore and I don't know if that can be changed. Yes, he is aware of our intimacy problems--I think he would have sex with me just to have it, but I was never a person who could just have sex without being physically attracted to the person. It has always been a means to an end for me in any relationship. My husband has disgusting personal habits that he is not willing to change for me, mainly smoking cigarettes, but what is also a turn off is his poor dental health and an unwillingness to get into shape. He also is disinterested in life and chooses to immerse himself in work projects and sitting in front of his computer. We hardly ever go out. We don't socialize with friends. He never used to be this way but has been like this for almost the entire length of our three-year marriage. When we met, he used to go to the gym several times per week, had a tan from all of the outdoor activities he used to do, had quit smoking, was going to the dentist regularly, and had a group of friends with whom we often socialized. We also had sex pretty regularly. I have cajoled and complained, but he refuses to hear me and refuses to change. I am making a pact with myself that if I can't get him to snap out of it within a year, if he won't make a concerted effort to change his ways and work on our relationship, then I will be divorcing him. I will do everything in my power to bring all of this to his attention and to change things back to the way they once were, but if he refuses, I won't have much choice. I can't waste my life in a marriage like this. It's hell.

 

Please don't offer advice about seeing a counselor, a psychologist, or enter into anything that resembles these things. I don't believe in these methods so I could not possibly derive anything from them. I am also agnostic and don't believe in the power of prayer or organized religion. I have to work this out my own way--venting about all of this to an anonymous audience has been therapeutic for me, and I thank you all for taking the time to read my posts and leave your helpful feedback.

 

In the meantime, even though it seems like the wrong thing to do, I will probably have sex with my ex, more than likely just once. At least this gives me something to look forward to in my boring sham of a life with my husband until I can do something to change things for the better or simply move on.

[newbby]

okay, firstly, i do understand what you are saying about his wife, i have known women like this. BUT it was years ago, she is not the same person now, you cant hold her past against her. you were all young then.

i think your anger at her is not really anger at her, but anger at the way your life has gone. married to a man, who does sound like he cant be bothered to look after himself, for whatever reason. of course your relationship with the mm never got to a stage where you became disgusted with him, and so he is still desirable in your eyes, and she seems to be the reason that you cant have him now, and never had a chance to get back with him.

the fact is, you broke up for a reason, a reason which you can still see now. she isnt the reason you didnt get back with him. you are. perhaps the anger is really with yourself for choosing the wrong guy for you, and letting another slip away. you still dont know what would have happened. had you got back with him, you may have been as or more unhappy than you are now.

whatever her reasons for getting together with him (and that is all based on other peoples opinions), she is with him now, and somewhere along the way she fell in love with him. i very much doubt that she planned to get pregnant to make his room-mate jealous.

you think that if you just have a one night stand that will make everything alright. how, exactly? it doesnt make any sense and i dont think you are thinking rationally about this.

i think you are right to consider divorce, because you dont sound happy at all with your h. but why have an affair? if you really want to be with your ex, then maybe there is a chance for you, but only if you go about it in the right way. having an affair, really is not the right way to go about it, if this is what you want.

if you think you want just an affair, then i would not judge you on that. your reasoning, yes. i dont agree with revenge on this woman. if you just want an affair, then realise that it is not this womans fault, it is YOUR decision, and it is your responsibility. so what do you really think you will gain from having the affair?

[a4a]

i think your anger at her is not really anger at her, but anger at the way your life has gone. married to a man, who does sound like he cant be bothered to look after himself, for whatever reason. of course your relationship with the mm never got to a stage where you became disgusted with him, and so he is still desirable in your eyes, and she seems to be the reason that you cant have him now, and never had a chance to get back with him.

the fact is, you broke up for a reason, a reason which you can still see now. she isnt the reason you didnt get back with him. you are. perhaps the anger is really with yourself for choosing the wrong guy for you, and letting another slip away. you still dont know what would have happened. had you got back with him, you may have been as or more unhappy than you are now.

whatever her reasons for getting together with him (and that is all based on other peoples opinions), she is with him now, and somewhere along the way she fell in love with him. i very much doubt that she planned to get pregnant to make his room-mate jealous.

you think that if you just have a one night stand that will make everything alright. how, exactly? it doesnt make any sense and i dont think you are thinking rationally about this.

i think you are right to consider divorce, because you dont sound happy at all with your h. but why have an affair? if you really want to be with your ex, then maybe there is a chance for you, but only if you go about it in the right way. having an affair, really is not the right way to go about it, if this is what you want.

if you think you want just an affair, then i would not judge you on that. your reasoning, yes. i dont agree with revenge on this woman. if you just want an affair, then realise that it is not this womans fault, it is YOUR decision, and it is your responsibility. so what do you really think you will gain from having the affair?

 

 

You nailed it pretty good Newbby!

[quankanne]

I could not possibly derive anything from (outside sources to help your marriage) … In the meantime, even though it seems like the wrong thing to do, I will probably have sex with my ex, more than likely just once. At least this gives me something to look forward to in my boring sham of a life with my husband until I can do something to change things for the better or simply move on.

 

hate to say it, but you've just sewn up the case you've made in two separate posts for justifying your self-centered outlook on things. If things are truly that hopeless in your marriage, why don't you just let the poor slob go so that he can find a potential mate better suited to him? Unless you choose to stay married so that you can act upon passive-aggressive behavior to punish him for his shortcomings? What happens if Mr. Soul Mate isn't the cure-all you're seeking?

 

unless you're ready to make changes within *yourself*, there's no real hope of things changing, whether it's within your marriage or your pending extra-marital relationship.

[Adunaphel]

Sorry, but I am pretty sure that a one night stand would not serve your purpose.

 

Having sex with him would affirm to me that he still wants me--would prove it if he put his money where his mouth is--and that our breakup wasn't because he didn't desire me.

 

Having a one night stand would probably not make feel you any better.

If *anything* does not go the right way, you are going to feel worse than you are now.

If you realize that you want more than a one night stand, and he does not agree, you are going to feel used and stupid.

Your 'feeling desired' by him depends too much on his behaviour.

One wrong word - one single instant where he does not sound so sure of what he is doing - one not enough enthusiastic word or action by him, you are going to feel like sh*t.

What if he goes on a guilt trip while he is with you, saying he does not want to do this to his wife?

What if he goes limp because he does not feel okay with the situation?

Even if you have great sex, and he is really turned on by you, it would not prove *anything*. Most decent looking women willing to have sex with him would be enough to turn on a man.

He might have stopped desiring you when you broke up(by the way,I don't think this is what happened) and yet desire you now.

 

You would be playing russian roulette.

 

I could see how a full-blown affair could lead to major problems, but a one-night stand may be the answer.

 

You would be unable to handle it. The majority of women, even the most strong and most intelligent ones, would not manage to.

 

Please, keep this as a fantasy.

You know he *would*have an affair with you.

It should be enough of a revenge.

If you are worried that he did no longer desire you back then, enjoy the pleasure of knowing that he *would* have sex with you now, but *he is not getting any*! (by your choice).

 

Please realize that if you try to actually have a night stand you will be putting your self esteem in his hands. You will be giving him an amazing amount of power over you, like it or not.

 

I am really not judging you,and I understand some of your feelings, but this idea is self destructive.