cranium Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Mz. Pixie suggested I post an update. I’m ecstatic to be off the Separation and Divorce board. We celebrated our 17th anniversary in July and we’re doing pretty well these days. We had a discussion one evening a couple of months ago about Trust missing from our relationship. I said I didn’t believe it was trust that was missing over the years, but Honesty. I always trusted her as she did me, but both of us had been dishonest. She went on to say that she didn’t feel like she fully trusted me yet and that she couldn’t imagine that I trusted her. I told her I did trust her, because I was CHOOSING to trust her. Neither of us wants a relationship where we are constantly suspicious of the other. So many of us allow the past to control how we interact with our partners today and influence how we’ll be tomorrow. If we can get to the point of completing the past and putting the past in the past (where it belongs), we’re open to create whatever we want for today and the future. All we have is NOW. There really isn’t any past; just a memory of a prior NOW. Likewise, there is no future; just a mental projection of some anticipated or expected NOW. How great it is to see one’s partner today without any preconceived notion of how they’ll be (because that’s how they’ve always been.) When we stop taking the past and throwing it into the future and then living towards it, we actually begin to experience NOW. It’s tough work to stop the constant internal chatter that’s full of preconceived notions, expectations and our own personal interpretation of history and just be present. There’s a great little Toltec wisdom book by Miguel Ruiz entitled The Four Agreements: Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Always Do Your Best. He’s got another entitled The Mastery of Love. Both are quick reads (one night) and much of the material is common sense, but we all need encouragement sometimes. Thanks again and best wishes to all of you. C
Moose Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 That is just toooo cool C!!! You've warmed my day, good, no Great things on the horizon for you and yours!!
ThumbingMyWay Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 So many of us allow the past to control how we interact with our partners today and influence how we’ll be tomorrow. If we can get to the point of completing the past and putting the past in the past (where it belongs), we’re open to create whatever we want for today and the future. All we have is NOW. There really isn’t any past; just a memory of a prior NOW. Likewise, there is no future; just a mental projection of some anticipated or expected NOW. wierd....but just last night...my wife and I had a talk...but first a little insight... the last few months have been great....BUT we still have our 'funk' days were we wallow in our myer. Me retreating to anger towards her...and her having pity parties due to her remorse for her actions. Plus I dont think a week wnet by that we didnt bring up the affair OR take digs at the other due to the affair or make threats about what we could have done instead. These moments of stress in our minds were projected onto one another, when they should be dealt with interanlly, then discussed if needed. I could see and she also stated that these 'digs' on her were not helping her...she bascially said its making her sad....all of this...all these lingering thoughts...my anger, etc.....as few as they were....it just isnt helping us move forward productively. SO...anyway....I thought about this and some of the things I have said out of anger. and it just wasnt worht it. So last night we talked and decided once and for all. NO MORE BAD THOUGHTS...NO MORE TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR...NO MORE WHAT IF TALK... I told her....from this day forward, we will not discuss IT anymore...unless we really need to verbalize it, otherwise we will both accept internally and focus on the good things, the positive things...the NOW as you said. And I huggeed her....and it was like we both felt a weight lifted...like we can finally put it ALL behind us and live for today and the future. So things keep getting better for me too. Mid Sept will mark 12 years married and 19 years together....
Author cranium Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Thanks Moose and Thumbs, I started this same thread over on Infidelity. More of you are familiar with my story there. Thumbs, good to hear. You're right, there is nothing we can do about ten minutes ago, much less yesterday or prior. Take care c
Ladyjane14 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Fabulous post, Cranium. You've verbalized beautifully what I KNOW from my own experience. To drop our preconceived notions, let go of our expectations, embrace the positive, and just deal in the NOW.... that's awesome stuff. I get what TMW is saying too. It really is a 'weight off of the shoulders' when mutual forgiveness is achieved. It sounds so complicated... but it's as simple as two people choosing to 'clean the slate' and MEANING IT.
Author cranium Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Okay, so not 30 minutes ago I saw f*&*ing OM walking into my wife's office. I had a feeling he would stop by his prior place of employment b/c some mutual friends are getting married today and I knew he would be in town. My wife and I regretfully declined an invitation to attend a party for the couple this evening because we knew he would be there. My first question is, do I say anything to her or wait for her to pony up that he dropped by? She probably didn't expect him to come by, so I'm not angry with her. I did expect him to, b/c I know what a f**khead he is. I know she will also be apprehensive to tell me. I also want to know how long he stayed and if he touched her in any way (a hug, for old times sake). I don't want to over react (or make assumptions), but I will be pissed if she allowed him to touch her. Calm me down. Thanks, c
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Take a deep breath, take afew actually. Let her know you saw the OM go into her office. Ask her for all the details. Let her know too, how it made you feel seeing him! In a way, this is a test of the whole trust and honesty thing. Being honest, letting her know YOU know he was there, and for her to come clean and just tell you - No matter what. I honestly don't think she's going to let him "touch" her, especially seeing how hard you both have been working on fixing your marriage. Call her and see what is said.
jmargel Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Take your own advice. Re-read your post. LIVE by it. Don't let all the positives that you & your wife have experienced lately goto waste. Wait for your wife to speak, let her tell you what happened. Don't assume the worst. After all this could be one of the best things possible. For him to try & make a move and her (knowing in her heart how much she loves you) just shot him down completely. Stay positive & remember the love your wife has for you. If you get angry or start a fight with her for no reason, that's probably the best thing this OM could wish for. Don't let that happen.
Author cranium Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Thanks WWIU and jmargel. She phoned to let me know he came by. Said he was with his new girlfriend. Hope the girl knows what she's getting into. Anyway, I asked her if he touched her. She said yes, he gave her a hug. I told her that bothered me; that she should not have let him. I know he initiated it and it's just a hug, but it still wasn't appropriate. I told her I appreciated her calling me and letting me know; I know it wasn't easy for her. I'm not angry with her and I'm not looking to pick a fight, just bothered that he's such a dumbass to not know what's appropriate. Neither one of us has any control over what he does. Him stopping by just continues to demonstrate and confirm his total lack of respect for me and my family. My fault for having expectations that he would have learned something from all of this. I do feel like I should take this as an opportunity to reiterate to her not to allow any kind of physical contact should he come by again. Hell, pick up the phone and act like she's on an important call or something along those lines.
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Yup, IF there is a next time, she can say (even if he's about to hug her) don't touch me please, or just back away (like he's got some contagious disease, lol) ... Her body language around him WILL let him know basically to F OFF! I'm glad she told you, and I'm sure because of that you're full of relief. Now, enjoy your weekend and if you're in Canada like me, pig out on that Turkey and pumpkin pie!
Guest Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I suppose you can live there.. But living in the NOW hurts me. Mostly because Im not ashamed of my past. Thats what my hubby did when he f- the OW..He said, Lets not worry about the consequences! Lets just do this for pleasure! For the NOW! I can't do that. I don't live in the past, but I do look back to it.
Recommended Posts