LaraV Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 In talking about stages of grieving, the anger one always seems to be a welcome one because it begins to *lift* you into healing. My problem is that I don't really have anything to be angry about regarding my ex - or when I find something that could potentially be cause of anger, I always find a good explanation for it. Some of my friends have called that rationalization; I call it being realistic and fair. I certainly don't think I've looked at my relationship or my ex through rose-colored glasses. To be frank, I was very aware of my ex's "flaws" from the get-go, but I accepted him as he was, and would have not wanted him to be a different person, because then he wouldn't be the same person I fell in love with. But all this does make it that much more difficult to deal with the heartbreak because it makes me feel like I lost a lot. It's difficult to be angry at someone for simply not falling in love with me. That's an emotion no one has control over. It's equally difficult to be angry at someone whom I knew was always ambivalent about me. Had he deceived me somehow would be one thing. But he always made it clear that he just *didn't know.* If anything, this whole ordeal just makes me angry at myself for not walking away sooner, but I guess there was always enough "caring" on his part to give me hope that maybe one day he would fall for me. Well, obviously that never happened, and he was honest enough to finally say it. So how can I be angry over that? So then I've tried to be angry about the way he ended it - over the phone - and I think, man, that's a sh*ty thing to do. But when I look at the entire circumstances - us working 4 hours away from each other over the summer - I think that I guess because of the distance it was justified in some way. Don't get me wrong, I think it's unfortunate things ended that way, because after knowing me for two years, and being together for one, I feel like I *deserved* a face to face ending, but if he had to do it then and there, how can I blame him? How do you tell someone, "Well, you should have waited a few weeks more until we saw each other again..." If he had to end it then and there, then I guess he had to do what he had to do, right? I guess what I'm saying is that he was always honest and never misled me, so it makes it that much hard to be angry *at something* he did or did not do. But it also makes it that much more difficult for me for some reason. Does that make sense? What is there to do in this situation - when someone was honest and things just didn't work out? Somehow it seems more difficult to get over this than when there is something that one can be angry about and focus on that to at least begin to move forward in the beginning.
bluechocolate Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Who says that the anger stage of a break up has to be directed at your ex? If anything, this whole ordeal just makes me angry at myself for not walking away sooner, There's your anger. Anyway, I don't think things have to be that prescriptive that they follow through stages in some kind of sequential manner.
KittenMoon Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Anyway, I don't think things have to be that prescriptive that they follow through stages in some kind of sequential manner. I've heard you can experience the stages in different orders, or go back and forth a few times.
In Sync Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Hey LaraV! Maybe what you are feeling is just plain good old fashioned disappointment. You don't feel angry but disappointment at something that did not turn out as you had hope. There's frustration and the feeling of let down and the feeling of powerlessness to change something that's not in your control. That's the thing about this healing and progress...we need better adjectives to describe what we are going through. Be wary of saying you are angry when what you are feeling is actually less intense...it helps put things in perspective.
Author LaraV Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 In Sync - I think you may be on to something. Definitely the words "disappointment," "powerless," and "frustrated" convey more of what I'm feeling than anger. I guess that's as "volatile" as it's going to get for me. Well, it can't be so bad. I guess feelings of frustration and disappointment are better than being bitter or angry at myself or someone else. I guess I now just gotta give time time to let resignation really sink in so that I can stop feeling so depressed and be able to enjoy life again. (Though I think that with my ex around this last year in grad school there will always be a bit of discomfort within me.) But it's just one more year. After that, I can go home, and really leave this disappointing story behind.
In Sync Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Exactly LaraV, Count it as a blessing that what you are going through is disappointment. First it you weren't it would be an indication that you weren't a sensitive feeling human being. But maybe that's a lesson we could all use. Not turning our disappointments into bigger emotional pulls than necessary. In a way we do let our reactions run amok, and that leads to feelings of despair and anger that last longer than necessary. We simply don't think hey, what's going on. I acn take a step back on this. Haven't you ever read those stories where a guy/gal gets so distraught over having been rejected in love they do something stupid like kill their ex lover. Yes they have other emotional problems but the tendency is to just feel out of control and angry about something...the alternative is to accept that we can't control other people but I don't have to act a fool and get all hell bent with anger just to accept that something ended. All that anger will destroy you mentally and emotionally anyway, so what's the point?
Miss1984 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 There's no written rule that you need to be angry as a way to get over someone. If it was just never meant to be or didn't work out, as you describe, you may be left with feelings of disappointment, loss, sadness etc. which gradually fade as you accept it and move on. As another reply said, you mention you are angry at yourself, perhaps it is that emotion that will drive you to not make the same mistakes again, so when you find yourself in a similar situation (which hopefully you won't!) you will more easily recognise it and know better how to act: ie: walk away sooner from a relationship that is not working out or whatever. Either way, this experience will make you stronger because it will make you know yourself better and be able to identify exactly what you want and, more importantly, DON'T want in future relationships and partners.
lonelybird Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 It is OK to angry at him. not all your fault for sure. one hand cannot make a sound. I don't know the whole picture. but could it possible he manipulated your feeling that you didn't realize yet. I guess there was always enough "caring" on his part to give me hope that maybe one day he would fall for me. did he ask for sex after he said "he didn't know"? If so, then he wanted his cake. if not so, if he is a genuin and honesty man, he shouldn't lead you on. But again, we all human beings, we need love and want to feel needed. this can make us not clear about the situation sometimes and then made mistakes. you should forgive yourself first.
Author LaraV Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Guys, do you think it was sh*ty of him to end things over the phone?
In Sync Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 Guys, do you think it was sh*ty of him to end things over the phone? Of course it was a s**t way to do..join the club....but SO WHAT? The only purpose hanging on to hurt and old wounds is to deter you from moving on to a fabulous life. No point in dwelling on the crappy behavior of anyone towards us. It's a reflection on them not you.
Outcast Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 Cognitive dissonance. It's hard to imagine that one's sane and intelligent self would make boneheaded decisions. Or to deal with that. Because that means we'd have to acknowledge that maybe sometimes we're not so bright and get ticked at ourselves. So rather than be mad at us (since we have to be our own best friend), we displace it onto the person, family, race, religion, or gender of the person we made the mistake over. IMHO, accepting that you made a mistake, figuring out where you made the mistake, and resolving to not make the mistake again is useful. So long as you don't characterize the mistake in terms of 'being so stupid as to trust a man'. If you're blaming anybody but you, then you're still hiding from the truth you need to heal and move on.
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