December2004 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Okay---We met and worked together a year before going to the same place at the same time. We were married a year and 2 months after dating. Thought this was so solid because we were both in late 30's no prior marriage and no kiddos. Gave a little too much credit to his maturity. The wedding was beautiful and was only 1 year and 8 months ago, 12/2004! Our first year was filled with issue after issue---I got fired, went back to school full time--he was the sole provider and was FINE with that, moved in with him giving up my roommate and beloved pets (he was allergic), we got married, bought a house and remodeled the whole thing, we had 3 miscarriages in 12 months and then I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer--which could leave my infertile. We spent our 1 year anniversary at MD Anderson Cancer Center. That sucked a bit. No wedding cake topper for us! I think on the stress scale, we were at about 600! At 250, psychotherapy is highly recommended! We chose to "fight" the cancer by (me) taking HIGH doses of progesterone for 9 months (with a check up every 3 months) to determine if the progesterone was working. I have been a little MOODY, but---IT IS WORKING!! Praise God! I only need to "pass" biopsies and ultrasound in October and remain cancer free for 6 months to have the opportunity to have a biological child with my hubby. This was the alternative to a complete hysterectomy. On July 7th, my hubby told me he thought we needed marital counseling. I was game--why not? Could only help--right? We met with one counselor twice and he assured me and HER that he was not wanting to separate or divorce, but in less than 1 month, he moved his sorry ass out. WTF??? A few days after he moved out, we had one session with a Christian counselor and hubby said he had "checked out" of the marriage long ago. He went to Maine, on OUR vacation ALONE and he has called and said he no longer wants to be in the marriage. Okay, I'm FREAKING out. He can get up and go---I HAVE CANCER AND CAN NOT GET HEALTH INSURANCE. Also, if we are not going to have a baby (like we planned), I have to have a complete hysterectomy. I also gave up EVERYTHING I owned when I moved in with him.. He told me--TRUST ME!--You won't need any of YOUR stuff!! I believe that God has a plan (Jer 29:11), but I don't know what the hell I am suppose to do with this. This is serious stuff--how do I get insurance if I am not on his?? In May '06, I was offered a full time position at the place I work "as needed." He told me to turn it down and focus on my health and school. I feel he is escaping all the pressure we have been under and is longing for that exciting feeling one gets when fist in love. I think he is "courting" or "screwing" a woman he works with (cell phone records). What to do?? He says he wants to continue to support my education and make sure I get my hysterectomy (THANKS)!!! I have never been so unbalanced. Any suggestions, comments, ideas? Sad!!! Sorry thing is--I want it to work out between us. If I do not have a baby with him, I will never have a baby. YIKES!
Outcast Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Get a lawyer and sue him for everything he's got and everything he ever will have. Talk about snaky and low!
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Right off the bat ~ my heart goes out to you. Welcome to the board. Post often, rant and vent all you want. That's what we're here for. I won't at this time say too much, other than I'm fairly certain that you've got legal predence on yourside that he's obligated to continue to provide medical insurance for you. It the meantime, document, document, documnet, everything he says, puts in writing, letters written, times and dates of conversations, and what was said. Prayers for you! BTW ~ 40 isn't old!
Haunani Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Hey Gunny, Haven't been on this board for a while, but have been catching up on a few threads. I have been reading your witty & delightful replies in the background, but I need to know...and I've heard it said before - keep documentation of everything they write, letters etc. Why is that? Sorry if that sounds like a *(&^% question.....thanks for your response. December 2004......my heart goes out to you, I cannot imagine what you are feeling, talk about overload. I can't give you advise, but I can send you a big ((((HUG))))) and tell you to hang in there ......one step, one day at a time.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Hey Gunny, Haven't been on this board for a while, but have been catching up on a few threads. I have been reading your witty & delightful replies in the background, but I need to know...and I've heard it said before - keep documentation of everything they write, letters etc. Why is that? Sorry if that sounds like a *(&^% question.....thanks for your response. Things seem small, petty and in-significant to a lay-person, an attorney can have a field day with in court, and with sufficient documentation of the other party's words, actions, and deeds, can force the other person to even settle before going to court. Such as the current thread. Depending upon which States she's in, there does exsist statutory law that a good lawyer could use to make him contuine providing her with medical insusrance. There's that aspect of it ~ and then there's the psycological aspect of people wanting to "re-write" what took place, when, where, with whom. Then there's the aspect of the OW or the OM. Too my knowledge on the State of NC has an "alienation of affection" statue on the books. But, I would be an advocate of pursuing it in other states if at all possible. You want my wife or husband, Great! The cost is about 3 million dollars, payable over the next thrity years. Then there's the chldren. While not advisable during their early years. nor their teen years ~ there will come a time when as adults they will bring it up. In short, better to be "over-prepared" than under-prepared. The more "silver bullets" you can provide your attorney, the better he or she can represent you.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 The reason I'm not posting too much on your situation is because well ~ I'm a bit of a "hard-azz" who sometimes can be a little too hard corps. Which is good. But, there are others that call me on it, and I have to concede that I'm being a bit too hard line. You have to read everyone's post to get a balanced view. I'm really a nice guy, its just some people think I'm a Doberman or Rottweillier ~ when I'm acutally a tea cup toy poodle!
dgiirl Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Oh Gunny, we love you just the way you are We all give feedback the way we see it, and it's good to have discussions over topics too. So dont hold yourself back Gunny pretty much summed up why you need to document. I would recommend keeping two journals, one for your emotions, and one just for pure facts. If you ever needed to give it to court, you dont want the judge to read all the bad things you're calling your spouses lol You dont want it to be biased at all. December, your husband is a complete asshat! I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I'm sure there are some good things about him too, but the way he's handled this situation is appalling. I think it will be a good idea if you continue with individual counselling. You must be experiencing so many emotions, that a good therapist could help you work through. And get a lawyer asap. Atleast see one for an initial consultation.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I won't at this time say too much, other than I'm fairly certain that you've got legal predence on yourside that he's obligated to continue to provide medical insurance for you. It the meantime, document, document, documnet, everything he says, puts in writing, letters written, times and dates of conversations, and what was said. Gunny is right. I believe he will have to keep you on his health insurance. Let him know that he'd better not take you off until the divorce is final if he threatens to do it. Because once he cancels it they are not obligated to put you back on there. Do document everything- keep the cell phone records- etc. Let him know you plan on pursuing this to the fullest extent that you can. Do you have parents and friends who can help you?? Praise God you are getting better. Don't worry about the baby issue right now- God has a plan! Just focus on getting better!
Guest Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I really wish I had some good advice for you, but I'm not great with words. My suggestion is to make him aware your financial situation. Tell him there is no pressure but if you could prolong the divorce to stay on his insurance until your treatment is done even if he physically cant be there. Also, some companies acknowledge life partners, know any friends who would let u be on their insurance. My prayers are with you. Remember if we didnt have bad times we wouldnt know good.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Gunny is right. I believe he will have to keep you on his health insurance. Let him know that he'd better not take you off until the divorce is final if he threatens to do it. Because once he cancels it they are not obligated to put you back on there. Do document everything- keep the cell phone records- etc. Let him know you plan on pursuing this to the fullest extent that you can. Do you have parents and friends who can help you?? Praise God you are getting better. Don't worry about the baby issue right now- God has a plan! Just focus on getting better! I would highly recommend your seeking legal assistance immediately about the medical issue alone. Perhaps a temp restraining order to keep him from dropping you from his medical insurance. You need to pursue this like yesterday. Then drag your heels, and prolong any divorce issue as long as possible. What is at issue is your current health. Forget the past for now ~ its the present and future you're going to be living in. I had a friend that went through this same scenario, and although his wife was running around, and had a hard time with it all, she was at least there for him through it all. I would think that you would have a strong case for spousal support, even prior to the marriage. He won't like it ~ but Oh well! Such is life. Its not like you were the WS, (Wayward Spouse), and people who are getting the emotional and physical needs meet by someone lese tend to "fall out of love". You kept up your end of the bargin.
asafan3 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 My heart truly goes out to you. When a spouse is ill, it can be extremely difficult for the other spouse to cope with, men especially have a hard time dealing with sickness. That said, he is a bum for leaving you at this stage without even really trying. Your situation, minus the cancer, sounds similar to what my wife and I went through in our first year of marriage. Two miscarriages and then finally a pregnancy that was marked by her being on a Zofran IV drip for 8 months because of extreme nausea. Not only that but she lost her father just after the second mis-carriage. She is currently chronically ill from a back and neck injury she sustained in a car accident several months ago, and it has really hurt us financially and put a serious strain on our marriage. So, I defintely understand how hard it is when a spouse is sick. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and try not to focus too much on all the negative cr**. Document everything like Gunney said and consult a lawyer ASAP. Good luck to you and keep us posted.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 My heart truly goes out to you. When a spouse is ill, it can be extremely difficult for the other spouse to cope with, men especially have a hard time dealing with sickness. That said, he is a bum for leaving you at this stage without even really trying. Couldn't have put it better myself!
Billy Bob Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 December, I'm in a similar boat, I came down with cancer in March, now its August and wife wants to leave me and the kids to find herself. Its just goes to show that people have differing levels of commitment and valuing marriage.
Guest Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 That's a tough post. I am not an expert but in many states legal fees for divorce are part of what they call "community property obligations" This means that any lawyer fees you have to pay will be borne by the assets of your mutual estate. This includes all the assets you bought with his salary or while you were married but does not include gifts and inheritances expressly dedicated to one of you. So my advice, get a lawyer AT ONCE if you have not already done so. Secondly, the guy obviously lacks any moral foundation. I know you all had a stressful time. However, in my opinion it was his duty as a man to provide for you. It must feel terrible. Keep your chin up and know that God will shine upon you... stay positive. Try not to let hate and bitterness consume your soul as such may make you unhealthy again. Forgive him. But, there is no doubt that you are the one on the high road in this situation. Forgiveness is power because you take control of the misery. He can wallow with his guilt on his own without your help... ;-) My two cents...
Robin23 Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I'm really sorry that this has happened to you, but it seems to be more and more common, my wife of 23 years left me for another man when I was so sick I almost died. Emergency surgery saved my life, but I am still in terrible pain, not just physical but mental pain also. Its hard to believe that someone you put all your love and trust into could be so cold and uncaring, and hurt you so badly when you know you would do anything for them. My heart goes out to you, I have been through that hell also.
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