Men are sketchy. Especially this guy! What's his intention?

[Sand&Water]

I have been talking to a new male friend of mine for a few months, now. We talk about all sorts of things, but it is usually about my eventful [or rather uneventful and pathetic] life.

 

The challenging part of the friendship is:

(a) He doesn’t fully trust me; he thinks I make up stories, and lie about my life. He thinks since I don’t trust him, then he can’t trust me. Not true – I trust him.

(b) He gently and plainly told me he doesn’t like my attitude, and way of ignorance.

© Almost every time we talk about his or my personal life or anything inbetween, he tells me that I just don’t understand him [his character, behavior, intensions]. And that I don't learn from others' advice, mistakes, and take my lesson.

(d) He has, tried in the past, to walk away from the friendship but decided to stay.

 

If he doesn’t like me, for who I am, then so be it. I can’t force someone to accept me - including my qualities, attitude, and personality. I feel that he is playing with me.

 

For instance: In the recent past, he had wanted to date a foreign girl that he had met on his travels but couldn’t do so due to her attachment to another guy. Fast forward 2 1/2 years, and I suggest he contact her and perhaps hooks up with her [as he tells me he is still interested in her]. He quickly tells me that he has since moved on and that he is now interested in someone else [with a sense of frustration and anger, knowing that I don’t “understand” him]. So, I drop the subject and never bring it up for fear of hurting his feelings.

 

I want to help him out, as we are good friends. But he refuses to admit that he still wants to hook up with her [as I suggest to him, that it is not too late to go see her].

 

From what I’ve observed, he hasn’t moved on. I know he hopes that he could have been with her, but he’s just stuck there. He is making it hard for me to suggest a ‘move on’ method.

 

How do I help him realize the reality of his situation?

Why is he still hanging around me? What the hell does he want from me?

Thank you for reading. Thoughts/ideas/opinions would be much appreciated.

[alphamale]

actually you should ask yourself why youre hanging around with him

[serial muse]

Er...are you sure he's not interested in you? Is this what you were trying to ask? It's hard to say without more info but it certainly seems like a possibility from what you've said. Hence the frustration that you don't "understand" him and that you keep trying to get him to ask someone else out...

[Outcast]

as we are good friends

 

Um. Not really. None of this:

(a) He doesn’t fully trust me; he thinks I make up stories, and lie about my life. He thinks since I don’t trust him, then he can’t trust me. Not true – I trust him.

(b) He gently and plainly told me he doesn’t like my attitude, and way of ignorance.

© Almost every time we talk about his or my personal life or anything inbetween, he tells me that I just don’t understand him [his character, behavior, intensions]

would be present in a 'good' friendship.

[Ripples]

Yeah, I echo Alphamale, why on earth would you want someone as a friend who thinks you lie, who doesn't like your attitude and who has tried to walk away from your 'friendship'? Drop him.

[Sand&Water]

Yeah, I echo Alphamale, why on earth would you want someone as a friend who thinks you lie, who doesn't like your attitude and who has tried to walk away from your 'friendship'? Drop him.

 

So what you're saying is that he's trying to take advantage of me and has no consideration towards a friendship? Could this be a cover-up of his interest in me?

 

He is so wishy washy.

 

Um. Not really. None of this: (a), (b) and © would be present in a 'good' friendship.

 

That's exactly how I see it. Thus, the contradictions. Meaning, he is a nice guy. He isn't brutually disrespectful, he listens to my vents and rants. He gives out advice to me when I'm in a tough delimma. So in some cases, he qualifies as a good friend. Him and I are just easy going, and laid back about things.

 

He is an open person. Where, I'm, a closed up person in nature. That's why he gets frustrated when I'm not open to him about my feelings and events occuring in my life.

 

My gut tells me he is interested in me, but is waiting for the right time to tell me how he truely feels. No? I want to resolve this awkwardness between him and I.

Should I drop him? OR Have a one last talk about where I stand with him?

[serial muse]

so okay, you're interested in him too then? S&W, considering the roundabout way you were basically asking whether or not he like likes you (and you never said you liked him that way), no wonder this thing isn't getting off the ground!

 

For instance: In the recent past, he had wanted to date a foreign girl that he had met on his travels but couldn’t do so due to her attachment to another guy. Fast forward 2 1/2 years, and I suggest he contact her and perhaps hooks up with her [as he tells me he is still interested in her]. He quickly tells me that he has since moved on and that he is now interested in someone else [with a sense of frustration and anger, knowing that I don’t “understand” him]. So, I drop the subject and never bring it up for fear of hurting his feelings.

 

oh, stop it! you know what you're asking here. i'm curious...is it possible he's already asked you out (in an indirect way)? somehow, i bet he has and you blew it off (possibly by accusing him of wanting to date somebody else). if so, no wonder the guy's frustrated! if you want to know if a guy likes you, suggesting he call someone else is NOT going to encourage him. cut it out. i'm just saying.

 

yes, i think a little directness is called for here. just ask him what's what.

[alphamale]

so okay, you're interested in him too then? .

of course she's interested in him, SM. women generally don't waste their precious time on dudes they are not interested in.

[serial muse]

no duh. i just wanted her to actually say it, instead of hinting.

[Outcast]

There is no way on the planet I'd be interested in any guy who would say he didn't like

my attitude, and way of ignorance.

 

If someone thinks you're ignorant then he doesn't respect you and without respect, true love is impossible. So ditch him if that's the way he really feels because he'll never respect you. People can be nice to other people the way people are kind to pets - because the 'lesser being' (they think) needs a hand and is helpless and incapable. You don't need that.

[Sand&Water]

oh, stop it! you know what you're asking here. i'm curious...is it possible he's already asked you out (in an indirect way)? somehow, i bet he has and you blew it off (possibly by accusing him of wanting to date somebody else). if so, no wonder the guy's frustrated! if you want to know if a guy likes you, suggesting he call someone else is NOT going to encourage him. cut it out. i'm just saying.

He, actually, had asked me out in an indirect and hypothetical way.

 

There are a few things I'm currently busy taking care of in my life. I don't think it would work out very well with him. I maintain a friendship with him, and help him whenever I can. When he mentioned to me that he was and still is interested in that foreign girl, I encouraged him to re-establish contact with her and try once more. So, I am in no way pressuring him to date anyone. He's insisting on trying to keep interest in me. Why? I don't know.

 

So SM, the reason why this is not getting off the ground is because of this:

 

"my attitude, and way of ignorance."

If someone thinks you're ignorant then he doesn't respect you and without respect, true love is impossible. So ditch him if that's the way he really feels because he'll never respect you. People can be nice to other people the way people are kind to pets - because the 'lesser being' (they think) needs a hand and is helpless and incapable. You don't need that.

And let me say that from the very start, him and I have had issues with trust, respect, honesty, and openness. Him and I got into a little disagreement about trust, and he said a few hurtful things to me. As a reaction, I took a few days to cool off. Once I returned, he didn't hint at apologizing to me. All he said was that, he was hurt the exact same way about the disagreement and a bunch of other things.

 

I don't know if I want to drop him. He could be a great guy, or turn out to be an a$$ [his own word].

 

yes, i think a little directness is called for here. just ask him what's what.

What would I say to him?

A few weeks ago, he had asked if I would mind if he'd send me an e-mail confessing his feelings. I politely told him that since I have only known him for a short period of time, the e-mail would be too soon, and a bit too much. Nonetheless, I said I don't mind. Haven't received any e-mails from him. He also doesn't respond to the e-mails I send him. What does that say!?

[Sand&Water]

*Bump*

I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. Should I initiate NC?

[monkey00]

Sounds like a whiney little girl. Probably the reason for all this is he is frustrated at the fact that you guys are nothing more than friends, and obviously by now which you already know he wants more.

 

He was friends with you to get into your pants, he realizes he has no chance now, he's already moved on. So should you.

[serial muse]

What would I say to him?

A few weeks ago, he had asked if I would mind if he'd send me an e-mail confessing his feelings. I politely told him that since I have only known him for a short period of time, the e-mail would be too soon, and a bit too much. Nonetheless, I said I don't mind. Haven't received any e-mails from him. He also doesn't respond to the e-mails I send him. What does that say!?

 

Girl, you told him not to write and basically that it wouldn't be particularly welcome. Then you told him you wouldn't object if he wrote anyway. This is...um...maddening. Of course he didn't write. Neither would I. Speaking as a woman, if a guy said that to me, I think my head would explode. It's incredibly confusing.

 

It sounds like he's been relatively up front with his feelings toward you, but you aren't sure, since, as you say, you have other priorities. So maybe let it go then. Just be direct about it.

[SoCalCatman72]

I'm a bit hammered,.but here goes....

 

This dude needs to drop his "goth", "the world doesn't understand me", mysterious, distant, brooding attitude and grow up....man those type guys annoy the hell out of me, where's my shotgun........???

[Sand&Water]

Sounds like a whiney little girl. Probably the reason for all this is he is frustrated at the fact that you guys are nothing more than friends, and obviously by now which you already know he wants more.

 

He was friends with you to get into your pants, he realizes he has no chance now, he's already moved on. So should you.

Nope. You've got it wrong. Sorry, but him and I discussed all this - it is not about him getting in my pants.

[Sand&Water]

Girl, you told him not to write and basically that it wouldn't be particularly welcome. Then you told him you wouldn't object if he wrote anyway. This is...um...maddening. Of course he didn't write. Neither would I. Speaking as a woman, if a guy said that to me, I think my head would explode. It's incredibly confusing.

 

It sounds like he's been relatively up front with his feelings toward you, but you aren't sure, since, as you say, you have other priorities. So maybe let it go then. Just be direct about it.

I'm in so much pain. I know what you're saying, SM. The most radical part of all this is that I know the implications of everything I say and do to him. I feel paralyzed. I'm sabotaging my chances of finding happiness. And, I can't save myself from the downfall.

 

I dreamt of him, last night. It is, really, getting to my head. God!

 

I don't think he, intends, to walk away anytime soon. A while back he had said that he didn't want to lose the friendship by exposing his feelings. So, I took that as a him being at a crossroad.

 

I typed up a few questions I want to e-mail and been dieing to ask him (i.e. in the hopes him and I open our hearts to one another). Should I send?

[Sand&Water]

I'm a bit hammered,.but here goes....

 

This dude needs to drop his "goth", "the world doesn't understand me", mysterious, distant, brooding attitude and grow up....man those type guys annoy the hell out of me, where's my shotgun........???

There is definate truth in your words, SCman. He said it himself... "I'm a 10 year old boy at heart".

[Yamaha]

It sounds like your both afraid of getting involved. One of you is going to have to step up and get the ball rolling or the friendship will probably ebb.

If you have feelings you can only hang around so long before one of you will get upset or lose interest. You need to stop pushing him away if you really want things to work out.