can u spot a potential rapist?

[NightsDarkRose]

hey i need some advice here. I dont know if im just being paranoid or what, but i figure you guys are as unbiased as they get, so men out there reading please listen too.

 

Ive been involved with this guy at my job, [ ive posted here before, i dont know if you remember...hes 37 im 19 he has 4 kids yada yada...] but its only recently ive started to have my doubts about his...well, i cant say character cause clearly he doesnt have much if hes cheating on his wife, so i guess ill just say im starting to wonder just what hes capable up. i dont want to come off sounding stupid here so im trying to phrase everything carefully.

 

i havent slept with him, and when i first met him i was a virgin [which he knew] but i lost it last month to someone else. when he asked me if i was still a virgin i said no and his first response was " u mean u lied to me?" i was like " no but you and me havent been together in awhile and it was only last month"

 

then he asked me again a couple of days later and i was like no and he was like " i want to be the judge of that"

 

he really wants to sleep with me, and i havent cause something is telling me not too, even though i WANT too, but i havent been leading him on, ive made it clear. hes made these comments that have gotten my alarm bell ticking, but im not sure if its warranted.

 

he gets very passionate while we're kissing, which i love cause im the same way, but lately its been different...hes been much more aggressive and he keeps telling me how i drive him crazy and yada yada...and then he'll say, [a couple of times hes said this already..] " its not my fault you make me crazy, its your fault"

 

and one time i was in office and he was touching my leg cause im sitting on his lap and hes like " does it make you nervous when i touch you?"

 

but it was this one comment he made recently that started this whole line of thought in my head...

 

we were in his office and he said to me " if we dont stop right now [kissing or whatever] im gonna rape you right in this office..." but he smiled and i thought he was kidding so i said " no you wont" and he said " of course not, i would never do such a thing..." then he added " but i do really want to sleep with you though"

 

i just want to know if these are legitimate signs that he may be dangerous....lately hes been alot more aggressive and he keeps making little comments about how its my fault blah blah.. all said in this teasing way but im not sure.

 

the reason i wont sleep with him is because if i do, i would want to continue sleeping with him. and im afraid that i might just be a conquest for him and once he sleeps with me he'll lose interest so its been stopping me..

 

do u think i should be concerned? or am i just making too much out of this?

[Outcast]

I think it's an extremly bad idea to be kissing him (and whatever else) when you have no plans to sleep with him. You are engaging in something called 'foreplay' that is called that for a reason - because it leads to intercourse. Maybe not right away, but eventually. So if you don't want to get him all horny and wanting you, lay off the rest of the foreplay!!!

[BenThereDunThat]

First of all, I just want to say that I admire your strength in not sleeping with him. You obviously know yourself well, especially being only 19.

 

Secondly....RUN....stop making out with him, stop any kind of contact with him other than work-related. Even cut that out if you are able to.

 

I can not say if the man is dangerous or not. At the very least, he's dangerous to your self esteem, your sense of worth (which, based on your post, I feel is ultimately very strong).

 

Please. I see nothing but bad things for you if you let this continue.

 

There is so much more out there for you!

 

Don't waste your time or energy on this obviously self-centered jerk.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[NightsDarkRose]

thank beenthere for your reply.

 

in reply to outcast, i did have plans to sleep with him, it just hasnt been the right place. so far if i just "went" with it, it would have been in his office or on the conference room floor,,,,or his car. i told him i couldnt just do it like that cause i wasnt comfortable. and hes all like " but wouldnt it be crazy? wouldnt it be wild?" im like "yeah but im not gonna just sleep with u IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORKDAY AT MY JOB!!" lol...

[Angel291]

Please do yourself a favor and run!

 

Get a new job. Quit the one you are at. Walk out and don't even give notice. Just leave and never go back.

 

Your 19 and I am sure that at 19 you are not holding down a job that you cannot get easily some where else. It might be a pain, but do it.

 

You are obviously attracted to this man. He is 37 years old and married with children. I know his type very well. He is probably thrilled to have some 19 year old girl who is willing to make out with him. He cannot wait to sleep with you and will tell you anything you want to hear. Then he will brag about it to his friends and don't buy what he tells you, no matter how sweet and convincing he sounds. Yes, you are nothing but a conquest to him.

 

You are asking for trouble and you are going to step into a situation that you are going to seriously regret for the rest of your life. Leave this job at all costs because if you stay he is going to bug you and bug you and you will give in.

 

Please, get another job and never go back to your old job or see this guy again. This man is going to corrupt you and make you feel like you are 90 years old inside in a very short time if you stay with him.

 

If you can, tell your parents about this guy. Nothing like telling the parents to protect you from yourself! When passions are involved, it is good to have someone there to protect you from making decisions that could hurt you for the rest of your life. I know you are an adult now and everything, but even I have told my parent about a man who I knew I needed to stay away from because I knew once the bad stuff was out, I would have someone to harass the daylights out of me to keep me from hurting myself.

[Tatara]

In your original post it sounds to me like you don't even like him that much (mentioning his bad character and doubting his morals about rape). I'm curious to know why you want to sleep with him?

 

Surely you are worth more to yourself then that?

[magda]

All my life I have listened to those little alarm bells in my head that alert me about someone with a bad character. I have never once regretted it. He may not be a rapist but something is telling you that something is wrong, never doubt your instincts about people.

[Walk]

From what you said in the post.. Get out of there and fast. Best case scenario you're just a sexual conquest. That's in a best case situation.

 

I'm not quite sure what you are looking for in a man, but the only thing you could have with this guy is sex. If you don't want to be used for your body, then drop him and find a guy who will love you for you and want to be with you. I guarantee this guy is using you. Four kids and a wife.. he's not going to leave them. Even if he wants to, monetarily he's tied to them stronger then any sexual thrill you could give him. He'll have sex with you, and when he starts to get bored, he'll move on to someone else... and all the while, his wife and kids will still be waiting at home for him.

 

If you value yourself, don't give into your desire to have sex with him. I agree that you need to get a new job. The repercussions of any decision you make are going to come out badly for you if you stay in your current job.

 

Give yourself a chance to find someone who is free already. Someone who can commit 100% to you. This guy is jerking your chain and he's only after one thing... sex.

 

P.s. My gut instinct has saved my life more than a few times. I didn't trust it when I was your age, and I ended up getting into a situation with a guy that caused me a great deal of mental trauma and pain. Looking back, I saw all the warnings I was just blinded by "lust"... I wish I listened to it that time. Trust it. Its telling you something is wrong. Don't ignore it.

[Guest]

Nightsdarkrose,

Your post has me shaking, I have been through this situation and never spoke of it before. I will share my story of not listening to my gut.

I met a man (not married but in a long term relationship) at work and we hit it off. We began what started off as innocent flirting and then it progressed into casual dating (no sex). We would make out all the time, couldn't keep our hands off each other. I wanted to sleep w/ him desperatley, as did he. But like your mm he started to get aggressive, saying odd things, "If we don't stop I gonna rape you", but with a smerk.

 

One night He asked me to come to his place and I did with the intention on having sex. It started out mutual, very passionate, kissing/ heavy petting, but turned into aggression on his part. I asked him to slow down. We made our way to his bedroom were he continued to be rough. Again I asked to relax, I wanted it just as bad as he did. He kept saying it was my fault that I drove him crazy. He continued to be alittle too forceful to the point I wanted to leave. I told him,"maybe this isn't the right time" as I was trying to stand up(we were sitting on the edge of his bed, fully clothed) He wouldn't stop kissing me, I tried pulling way but couldn't. He pushed me back down, flung my legs onto the bed and slid down my pants. At first I thought he was kidding until I looked into his eyes. "I said stop playing" in a nervous but still calm manner, he said nothing. He was kissing me really hard w/ his hand around my neck. He then pulled down his shorts shoved his fingers down my panties and started fingering me. At this point I didn't know what to do, he has 60lbs on me and I could not move him and he was not going to stop. He kept saying isn't this what you want? isnt this way you came here? The next thing I know he was raping me.

 

I say run, rape is nothing to joke about, this maybe some sick fantacy he has and wants to play it out. Listen to your gut, I didn't listen to mine.

[NightsDarkRose]

omg, i am soo soo sorry that happened to you, and im gonna take your advice. reading your story made me shiver as well, cause it sounded just like him....he says that to me all the time " its not my fault you make me crazy...its your fault" and reading the same thing in your post made my skin crawl. it sounds eerily similiar to him. thank you so much for your response, and im truly sorry that had to happen to you.

 

like you, i had the intention of sleeping with him eventually, just not at the moments he wanted too cause it would be in places that i didnt feel comfortable...like his OFFICE or other places in our job....we hadnt had a chance to hang out alone outside of work for awhile.

 

 

thank you so much again, i know it wont make you feel better, nothing would after what you have gone through, but i want you to know anyway that you have really helped in telling your story.

 

feel free to message me if you feel you want to talk.