Jealousy is destroying any chance for me to be with him again...

[rockon_1986]

(Sorry for this being so terribly long but I need to get it all out..)

 

First, I will begin with some background info.

E and I have been best friends since grade 10 (we are now in our third year of college, therefore have known each other for 4 years now). During our friendship, he had a crush on me and made it very clear. I didn't do much as I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Then in grade 12, my feelings for him had increased and I agreed to go out with him. By the way, he was my first serious bf and we were each other's first love.

 

The relationship was perfect. We were happy and envied by everyone. We never fought and people thought we were weird because of it. Haha. It was just perfect. But as well all know, nothing good lasts forever.

 

I believe it all started when we went to seperate colleges. I would no longer see him everyday and that scared me. I was scared of losing him as I knew what people were capable of. I trusted him.

 

There was one incident that I believe has scarred me. E met a girl at school, who he became good friends with. This girl, H, had just broken up with her bf of 4 years and guess who became her rebound? My boyfriend. I'd also like to mention that E is the nicest person you'll ever meet and he's there for all his friends. He made a mistake of kissing her on the cheek when she was feeling very low after breaking up with her bf. He realized it was a big mistake and made sure she knew that he didn't mean anything by it. That didn't stop her from having a crush on him for the next six MONTHS. I knew something was up when I was supposed to meet her and she avoided me. My intuition told me that something was going on. The day I was going to ask him about it was the day he told me about the kiss. I started crying. Mostly because I thought of how close I could've been to losing him. On top of that, she kept an online journal (which I found) writing about how much she "loved" him but he would never feel the same way about her. You can imagine the pain I went through while reading all of this. He never knew how to confront her about this as she didn't know that I knew about her journal. She also didn't make any moves on him (at least none very forward) so he didn't have a way of saying anything. He did start talking about me more in front of her and telling her how he loved me. Anything to get her to stop liking him. That didn't work too well.. she had a hard time getting over him. Eventually, this was after a few months, he confronted her about it all. She finally got over him. I talk to her now, we're actually friends. I still hate what happened.

 

After that, I started having huge jealousy problems. It got so bad that I wouldn't want him hanging out with his friends without me there. I would cry all the time. It got pathetic. I put the blame on other things such as depression and the Pill, but it was jealousy. It got so bad that he had no emotions left towards me anymore. I was pushing him away, far, far away. And the whole time I thought I was doing it for the best..

 

He broke up with me after two years. November 11, 2005. A day I'll never forget. I pretty much died inside. Somehow I made it through though. I managed to go out with another guy but that didn't last as we had nothing in common. E and I talked once in awhile but hardly ever. He sent me an email sometime in March telling me about his depression and how he started feeling again and missed me. He knew about my new bf but that didn't stop him. Once he found out that C and I broke up, he started calling me everyday and we started seeing each other again. The spark had never left. We still loved each other. But we were also both very scared.

 

My jealousy had scarred him from wanting a relationship. He did try having a relationship but it didn't work as he wasn't attracted enough to her. All of this summer, we have been trying to work it out as we both love each other. During the breakup, I had learned how stupid it was for me to do what I did. I should've always trusted him as he never did anything to hurt me intentionally. He was the most caring, sweetest person, until I took that all away from him.

 

The problem is, the jealousy problem hasn't gone. You'd think after all that, I would've learned something. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love him with everything I have. But I have noticed that once I enter a relationship, my self-esteem and confidence goes down the hole. I think I might be living off of other people's compliments and guys stop doing that a lot once they find out that I'm taken. E tells me I'm beautiful everyday and he would reassure me but I never believed him.

 

I went to the doctor's a few weeks ago to see if I had depression. I told the doctor that I just want to speak to a psychologist/psychiatrist. I believe that is all I need. The doctor knew of a psychologist and tried to get in contact with her and put me on anti-depressants for the meantime.

The meds aren't working.

It's a jealousy problem, not depression.

And I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to tell myself that he is being honest with me and that he does love me. I'm still trying to seek professional help but I am a student and very poor.

 

Any advice?

 

I want to be able to trust him, and not be jealous of his girl friends. I have many guy friends as well and almost all of them have crushes on me. E does get slightly jealous at times but doesn't show it. He trusts me and knows that I only love him. Why can't I do the same?

 

If it helps any, he has a very friendly personality. I've had my best friend and many of my friends tell me that you can tell that he's not interested in anyone else when he's with other girls. The girl, H, even said herself that he never stopped loving me for one second during the time she had a crush on him.

What makes it worse, on my part, is that I have the same type of personality, the one that attracts others to me. I try to think of it that way, that there are guys after me as there are after him. But after what happened with H, I feel like girls are more sneakier and evil in order to get the guy they want, whether he's single or not.

 

What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop thinking like this?

 

I have a chance to have the man I love more than life itself and I'm ruining it... again.