mental_traveller Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Ok, Silenttype, that's a little harsh, but justified I guess.... and how do you suppose I just stop seeing him w/o telling him why? I'm sure that wouldn't fly well. We got together b/c of the emotional bond we had. We started as friends, and he was there for me through a really difficult situation and never left my side. That made me realize how great of a person he is. EVERYTHING else about our relationship is great. We are each other's rock, best friend, and release. If this wasn't this issue, I'd move tomorrow. And when we got together I figured that I was just being stupid and I shouldn't care about superfical things like that and I'd get over it. But honestly, it's been 6 months and though I love him more than anything else in the world, I still haven't gotten over this. I honestly don't feel that walking away from this is going to be the answer. All the stuff you've mentioned are the qualities of a best friend, not a lover. As for it "not flying well", who cares? There is no nice way to dump someone. You don't stay in a relationship just because the other person would be unhappy if you left. Think of yourself for once - and if that sounds selfish, then think about the dreams you are going to be abandoning if you settle for this guy. You're also being very unfair to him by continuing, because he will discover eventually. It's much more ethical and selfless to end it now, than to make both of you (and your kids) miserable in 10-20 years time after he's invested half his life into you. So if he won't like it, tough sh*t. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. Just tell him you really get on great, he's better than any of your past boyfriends, but you know deep down he's not "the one", and that you need something different. At least that way it's not too harsh - you're basically saying he is close, but no cigar. Then simply stand firm and tell him it would really piss you off if he tried to convince you to give it another chance.
mental_traveller Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 If you are looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, it won't matter one bit what either one of you look like when you are 80. Wrong - if you had a strong physical passion when you were 25, you'll still have that attraction (not as strong, but still there) when you are 80. The looks will fade but the compatibility & "fit" won't.
mental_traveller Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Hey DeeBrod83, I tried to PM you but it wouldn't let me so..... How are you feeling since you decided to end things with your bf? Does it feel like it was the right decision? I'm still figuring out what to do but lately my bf has been complaining that I don't kiss him and do physical things with him enough but the truth is it's because I just don't really feel a desire to. I'm not sure if you felt the same way.....but it sucks and I can't tell him the truth, that it's cuz I don't find him attractive. But I can't help it. I tell myself I'm going to be more physical with him but then when it comes to it, I just don't want to. Blah. I really don't want to lose the person that is closest to me in the world cuz you see, since we've started dating a year ago, we're all each other hangs out with pretty much. So if I lost him I'd have no one.......blah....well let me know how you're doing. Bye! Why can't you tell him?
dreaming4ever Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I can't tell him because I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't think he would understand.
dreaming4ever Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Plus then it would really, officially, be over.
Outcast Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 People basically get bored of each other in relationships - *except* when they have a strong animal attraction like that. Um. Sorry. Not the case. If you had a strong physical passion when you were 25, you'll still have that attraction (not as strong, but still there) when you are 80. The looks will fade but the compatibility & "fit" won't. ABSOLUTELY untrue. What binds a couple together is mutual love and respect. Read John Gottman on this. Being attracted sexually is a tiny part of what makes a relationship work and absolutely does not guarantee that a relationship will last. In the least. I'm guessing that you're both extremely young and very single - i.e. never been in a LTR.
dreaming4ever Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 If you're talking about me, yes I've been in 2 LTR's before and no, I'm not a teenager. I'm in my mid twenties.
alex200 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Hey everyone! Sounds like I really sparked the nerves here! I appreciate everything that was said here: critizism and all! I decided that as much as I love him and I hope we can remain close as friends, the spark is just not there and I seriously need that. I talked to him about it and, though he did try and talk me into staying and working on it, he truly understands that I need to do what's best for me, and honestly I feel like whomever I choose to be with for the rest of my life should make me happy in all ways. And if that means I stay single, than so be it. But settling is just not what I need or want to do. So again, thank you everyone for your input!! Dreaming: good luck to you and keep me posted on what happens (PM Me!) I hope and pray that your now ex bf has enough self respect to never ever consider being your friend. One of these days you will regret your decision as you'll post a thread in the future about how you met a great looking guy who is an abusive jerk who beats the hell out of you. When that happens you'll look back on this day and regret dumping such a sweet guy but it will be too late. If he has enough self respect he will never consider reconciliation with you even if you change your mind. I don't understand why you got involved romantically with him in the first place if his looks are such a big issue. I'm glad you have at least considered the possibility that you will be single for the rest of your life for being so picky about a boyfriend. I wish your ex would have accidentally discovered this board while you were questioning your decision to stay in the relationship so that he would have dumped you and made the decision for you. You have no respect for him whatsoever. I can tell by the way you talked about him behind his back on this message board. Gee if I ever findout my girlfriend disrespected me behind my back on a message board I will dump her immediately and never contact her again. You did the right thing by dumping him but not for the reasons that you did it. You actually did him a favor whether either one of you realizes it or not. You have set him free to find a woman who will love and accept him in spite of what he looks like. It is my theory that the dumper usually loses out more after the break up than the dumpee. It will only be a matter of time before your ex sees this break up as a blessing in disguise for him even though it was not your intention to do him any favors.
dreaming4ever Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 alex200, there's nothing wrong with people asking for advice about their relationships and if you seriously think there is then I'm sorry but you're definitely on the WRONG site.
stoopid_guy Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 alex200, there's nothing wrong with people asking for advice about their relationships and if you seriously think there is then I'm sorry but you're definitely on the WRONG site. Absolutely. Nor is there anything wrong with people giving advice or making statements you don't like. Dreaming, you're using this guy. I hope you don't come here looking for people to tell you that's OK. DeeBrod did the right thing. Will you?
SarahRose Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 If you're talking about me, yes I've been in 2 LTR's before and no, I'm not a teenager. I'm in my mid twenties. I was married longer than you have been alive so I think I might know a little more about it.
Kinger25 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I understand how you feel Dream but you need to break this relationship off before your BF gets really hurt. When I first met my current BF I didn't find him that attractive. I liked his personality and I knew there was something about him but I nitpicked at loads of things about his physical appearance. As time went on I grew more and more attracted to him. This was mainly due to the fact that I was being narrow minded in the beginning and also becasue the combination of his personality and looks seemed to come together and one day I just noticed it all at once. Now, 1 year down the line, I cant keep my eyes off of him. In my eyes he's perfect and he only needs to touch me and it turns me on or gives me goosebumps. How long have you ben with your BF? (Sorry if you've already answered this) If you are not attracted to him then you shouldn't be with him. Simple as that. Although physical attraction is not THE most important part of a relationship, it is definitely a significant aspect. If you dontthink you will ever find him attractive to you then drop him and find someone that is.
Author DeeBrod83 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Hey All! Well, it's been a week or so since I broke up with my BF. And I feel great! Seriously. I know that sounds dumb but I do. It was hard to do, but he's a really understanding person, and honestly it's not the first time I'd expressed a concern for this issue. I just honestly told him that he made me very happy in a lot of ways, but not all. And though I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter, the spark that I needed just wasn't there. He was kind of upset and said that he felt sort of lead-on and I apoligized for that but also told him that I really wanted to do the right thing so I had to take some time in making my decision. We decided to take a break, but we were going to remain friends, as that's always what the relationship should have been IMO. It was terribly hard to make this decision and even harder to follow through, but I can't believe the weight that's off my chest. It seriously helps that I had some people to seriously kick my butt on here to do the right thing, and the support of my friends and family make everything in life a little easier. But in the end, you just need to take the bull by the horns and do what you know is right. And Dream, I know you know what's right. A little bit of pain is worth the end result: a chance for true happiness with someone who makes you happy in EVERY way! Good luck to you and I'm here for you!
Yamaha Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 but we were going to remain friends, Yea, right!!! Never happen.....
sockpuppet Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 My current girlfriend dated a guy that had everyone around her asking, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" just because he was unlike anyone she'd ever dated and they thought he was 'below her'. She thought he was a really nice guy, he was overweight and not especially attractive or great in bed. She soon got sick of him, and pushed him away subconsciously. The reason she got with him in the first place was because she was desperate. That stuff happens, there's no problem with ending it if you aren't physically attracted to someone, and you did the right thing.
Author DeeBrod83 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Yea, right!!! Never happen..... Oh I know. But somehow I think it'll work. Maybe not the way we hope, but it will. We now live in different states and rarely see each other, so that's not an issue. But that's why I feel the need for the down-time. So neither of us has a misconception as to the relationship. But in all honestly, we were meant to be friends, not lovers. But yes, I agree. Yeah right. Just have to wait and see! Sockpuppet: I'm learning that this happens all the time! I wasn't desperate but I was getting out of a fairly abusive relationship and he was so good and sweet to me that I just took what I could get. But I have a chance now to make it right, so that's what I did. Thank GOD!
blind_otter Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 but I can't believe the weight that's off my chest. no pun intended.
Yamaha Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 he was so good and sweet to me Those good and sweet guys are always a downer. Just no sex appeal in good and sweet. Hope things work out the way you think they might but I doubt it.
alex200 Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 alex200, there's nothing wrong with people asking for advice about their relationships and if you seriously think there is then I'm sorry but you're definitely on the WRONG site. Everything I said in my post was my advice. It may not have been advice that you or anyone else wanted to hear but it was still advice either way. You are not in a position to tell me what I can and cannot post. Sometimes the truth hurts. If you are going to post your story on here then you can expect to get honest opinions that you don't like to hear. Nobody is forcing you to read the posts that you don't agree with. I have no intentions of sugar coating anything I post in the future and I will not apologize for anything I've posted. I would not take back one word of my last post. The OP deserves the response that she got.
DanielMadr Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Ok, so I find that a lot of the advice on here is very helpful and not just judgemental like a lot of sites tend to be. So here's my story: My man is the nicest, sweetest, most caring person I've ever been with. We match perfectly when it comes to wants and dreams, how we treat people and expect to be treated, what are values are, etc. I've honestly never felt closer to anyone ever in my life. So you ask, what's the problem? Well, I don't find him attractive. He's cute, don't get me wrong. But he is SO not my type. The sex is good, but mostly b/c we're so comfortable together, but he's not really....physically blessed. And without clothes on I find myself imagining other people while we're together. I want so bad to pretend it's not a problem, but honestly it is. I feel like I'm a fairly attractive person (at least that's what people tell me) and I feel like I should be with someone on the same level. I've gotten comments from even my family about how I could do better when they saw him, but then they get to know him and fall in love with him. Why can't I get past this? I don't want to marry him and find myself wanting other men sexually.... I feel like this is just setting myself up for trouble. What do I do? I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this really, but he does know he's not my type and I think that makes him uncomfortable so I don't dwell on it. And why am I seriously looking at this now? Well, he's moving away for his job and he wants me to go with him. I feel like this is my time to get in or get out, and I need to make a decision, but I'd like some help. Am I way off base here!? Soulmate is often different from lover. You two have to click on more then intellectual levels....nature is nature.....what about kids?
nicki Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Some relationships are meant to be healing and shorter term, especially the ones after an abusive relationship. Nothing wrong with that. Attractiveness is the combination of so many factors that it really can't be analyzed. It can only be felt. If attraction is lacking for too long, for whatever reason, then the relationship is usually dead. Caught soon enough, such a lack can be fixed, but it has to have been there at some earlier point in time. I've noticed, as Walk said, attractiveness is linked to respect for the other person. Respect that they stand up for themselves, do the right thing, have good character, share the same values...etc... I'll take a good looking guy with bad character for as long as it takes me to discover his bad character. Then he's no longer attractive to me. I'll take a guy who's physically attractive to me in SOME way. If he has great character, I'll find him increasingly sexier and sexier as we go on. But, I wouldn't stay with a guy I couldn't stand sleeping with. I'd think of it as my body's way of showing me something is wrong.
Author DeeBrod83 Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 I totally agree with this. I feel that he may be my soul mate but he's not my 'life-long' mate. I hope we can stay in each other's lives (despite what Yamaha says!) and be friends. And Nicki I agree with everything you just said. It's amazing how much of a 180 I've done since the beginning. It just makes sense to me now that after 6 months, if my feelings on the subject hadn't changed, it's time to do something about it. Even at the risk of seeming superfical. Oh well: look out for number 1, right? B/c no one else can do that for you!
burning 4 revenge Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 It sounds like he was a rebound. That's too bad
Yamaha Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I hope we can stay in each other's lives (despite what Yamaha says!) and be friends. I'm really not trying to be a downer. Maybe he can see you the way you see him ( loving each others minds ) and it won't get to him that you can't love him, romantically. True platonic friendships are rare because feelings and emotions get involved, for one of you. It is hard to love someone's mind (only) if those carnal lusts are stirring in you. Good Luck.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I think it would be impossible to be friends, because you always will have the rejection between you. He was rejected for his body and that's so personal that I would think it would be too much to deal with in a friendship. If you really love him as a person and you want to spare him from pain and help him preserve his dignity, don't be friends. That dosn't mean you have to be cold if he contacts you, but keep an appropriate distance. This is a case where you are being a true friend by not being his friend.
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