Am I being Superficial?

[DeeBrod83]

Hey everyone! Thanks for the tips on how to get past this, as it's more important to me to at least try to let go of my reservations and let the best relationship I've ever had have a real chance. I really appreciate the advice on how to get past this hang up. I've talked to my mom and it helped a lot: she said that looks fade, but personality does not. She said my father is attractive to her but not her type, but she wouldn't trade him for anything b/c of the way he treats her. I think b/c he (my SO) is willing to better himself and I know he'd do anything in his power to make me happy (short of losing himself. He's not a doormat, just a great guy) so I will definitely give him a chance to help me out here. I've actually had a conversation with him about it, putting it as gently as possible, and he was very understanding and said that he did understand and he'd help me get past it, but if I couldn't than I'd just have to tell him so we don't get into something more.

Again, any additional advice or tips would be helpful and very welcome!! Thanks again!

[a4a]

If you can treat both of yourselves to a spa day...... (so it does not seem that it is only about his looks)

 

If he is actually taking off the weight GOOD FOR HIM.......start the praise thing...... even joking would help...... "Ummm You have been working out haven't you sexy"

 

Get him out to that spa day..... let others pluck his eyebrows....then back to the UMMMMMM Baby thing......

 

If he dresses like a slob...... treat him to a new outfit or two..... and UMMMMMMMMM Baby him again.

 

But if you are getting hung up on other men and really wanting to explore those avenues........ don't string this guy along. Maybe your not ready to settle into a situation like the one coming up.

 

If he was ultra sexy would you still have these reservations?

[DeeBrod83]

If he was ultra sexy (and well hung b/c that's a little bit of an issue too) I'd be married right now. Honestly, the only issue I have with him is physical. And I'm trying right now to decipher if my reservations are as superfical as they seem, or a way to postpone further commitment.

But I think the spa idea is great!! Then I'm not the bad guy, and I get pampered too! Can't go wrong there! And honestly, I think when he gets to a weight that makes him comfortable the other stuff will follow.... honestly who wants to wear nice clothes if they fit tight around your gut? So I think I'm going to let him do his thing, while I figure out what I want from this relationship and if I'm ready to move to the next level. I certainly don't want to string anyone along, that's for sure!!

[riobikini]

If his physical appearance is a major issue now (especially if his DNA is genetically determining an ongoing battle with weight) then it will remain an issue with you in the future.

 

Also, there may be future emotions you'll likely be confronted with if you continue to have these reservations: feelings of guilt (after you've built up a substantial relationship), regret (because you didn't end it when you had the opportunity), and resentment (because you feel 'stuck' in a dilemma of your own making).

 

Consider the future as well as the present.

 

And weigh them carefully.

 

(Absolutely no pun intended).

 

-Rio

[Outcast]

Don't you think people should find their SO attractive?

 

I have never understood this question. To me, a guy with a great personality IS attractive because the personality makes him desirable. At least in my case, passion comes from affection - sure you can get hot for some guy who's hunky because of biology but that's not the same thing as the passion you have for a person you care about. At all. And I'll take the latter any day.

 

! have never understood why people jump down posters throats about this, in a romantic relationship being physically attracted to and lusting after your lover is important

 

But the love should create the attraction, no???

 

I really really do love him with all my heart, but darn it I just want him to be sexy!

 

See, I don't get that.

 

Is there nothing about him that you find sexy? I find a woman's butt very sexy and I will find her sexy even if she isn't a star in the looks department. Take a look at him and see if you can find anything about him that's sexy. Maybe his legs, hair, butt, arms, hairy chest, etc...

 

If you can find something about him sexy it might change your whole outlook on him.

 

Exactly! There's always something hot you can find.

 

After all, you may look good now and him not so, but as you age, he could get handsomer and you could end up looking like a used teabag. Looks are transitory - character is not.

[quankanne]

I think when he gets to a weight that makes him comfortable the other stuff will follow.... honestly who wants to wear nice clothes if they fit tight around your gut? So I think I'm going to let him do his thing, while I figure out what I want from this relationship and if I'm ready to move to the next level. I certainly don't want to string anyone along, that's for sure!!

 

I knew it! You care ... you really care! :)

 

seriously, from your additional posts, I think that whatever bad stuff you experienced in past relationships is rearing its ugly head in the form of the original question you posed because he sounds like a great guy. I think we all are guilty of this at some point, but it helps to put into perspective how much you like/admire/care for/respect him overall – those ugly thoughts will dissipate when you begin putting full trust in your feelings for him ...

 

now, it sounds like he'd be open to you helping him learn how to groom, just be encouraging of him. Like with the weigh loss thing: As women who tend to try to live more healthily, we understand how hard it is to keep up a regimen when there's no workout buddy to encourage us. So, maybe it'd be a good idea to be his cheerleader (or partner) in honing healthier living skills. Whoever came up with the spa idea hit on a good one – I imagine that'd be the ultimate pampering for a man who doesn't think along those lines, and it just might help him become more aware of better grooming habits (or at least let you chase him around the house with tweezers, lol ... or is that a marriage thing? :laugh: )

 

Dee, you're going to be all right ... just take baby steps through issues like these if you're not able to work through them as efficiently as you like, otherwise just enjoy what you've got with him. A good man – and it sounds like you've got one – is rare and precious indeed!

 

hugs,

quank

[SmoochieFace]

I have never understood this question. To me, a guy with a great personality IS attractive because the personality makes him desirable. At least in my case, passion comes from affection - sure you can get hot for some guy who's hunky because of biology but that's not the same thing as the passion you have for a person you care about. At all. And I'll take the latter any day.

 

You don't understand the question cuz you aren't superficial.

 

OP... drop your BF. Now. Let him find someone who will really love him for who he is. He deserves better. If my GF pulled that 'I wish you were better looking' rubbish on me she would be gone. No question.

[Guest]

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How unfair is this to your boyfriend? Do you think that he would be there for you if you gained some weight? There is so much more to a relationship than the physical aspect. I am just wondering how old you are. I you already said then I apologize, but superficiality is something that needs to be put aside. Decide which is more important to you a nice body or someone who truely loves you. Look on the inside that is what is important.

[sad-in-seattle]

I don't think that it is unfair or superficial of you to not find your boyfriend sexy. She's being realistic and weighing out the pro's and con's in her head before she moves further into a relationship. Isn't that a normal thing to do?? SO many times I've heard guys complain that their gf's got "comfortable" and gained weight after dating for a while. Attractiveness is an important factor.. and she went into the relationship with good intentions..

 

Personally I tend to date nerds! =P I feel yah on the eye brow hairs... but I just pluck em' myself! haha.. anyways it really seems like you love this guy and I find it to be a tough situation... I would say to help him with his weight situation... not to change him, but because it would be healthy and good for him long term... it's always good to eat right and work out. I hope it all pans out.

[lone she-wolf]

I think you have been given LOTS of GOOD advice here!

I agree with everyone who thinks you could work WITH him in the sexy department. All the guy probably needs is help and encouragement from YOU, the one he wants to look sexy for!!

 

Take it from someone who is a bit older, with a fair amount of experience in long-term relationships. This is a great op for you to work on any super-fic. stuff in your way, and YES, I'm sorry but if you REALLY DO love him.....this IS a tad shallow (sorry).

 

Heres the thing I KNOW. If you could take the SAME great guy and switch his appearance with your IDEAL body/sex appeal/etc., after only a few years, like your mom said, THAT WILL FADE. I don't mean when he is old and grey either. What I mean is that your "hot boy" wont NEARLY turn you on in the same way. At THAT POINT in a relationship, you will then have to rely on both of your willingness to explore ideas to "refresh" your sex-life.

 

In the mean time, I think the SPA IDEA is perfect. Shopping too. Working out together also. Whomever here said that someone else WILL take him "as is" is absolutely correct.

 

One more thing. Perhaps you could let him move first and then take that time alone to see just much you are gonna miss him. You can always join him a little later.

 

I hope I'm not coming off as a know-it-all butt-head. I just feel very strongly about this subject and apparently, so do others. Just look at all the great responses you have received.

Good luck.

[Guest]

Remember...you can get advice from your mother, relatives, and others but realize it is YOUR life and YOUR decision. I have been going through a similar situation and let me tell you sexual attraction is VERY important. You have to be bopping him the rest of your life if you two commit. In the end he will end up resenting the fact that you didn't let him know earlier your TRUE feelings. If you are not honest and true with yourself then you will be stuck in a passionless situation and eventually he will catch on that he is not satisfying you. It is NOT selfish to be honest and say what you need no matter who is telling you otherwise. Don't fake it, be honest.

 

I have waited 2 years in my relationship because this guy is SO perfect in so many ways. We have a ton in common and really seem "destined." But, since day one, I felt it to be lacking in the bedroom department. He is the opposite, too skinny for me, and there is not enough "chemistry or spark." I have tried for ages to teach him how to please me, to create that passion, to work on it and be committed, but I am feeling that I too must be honest with him and that it is time to let go.

 

I only hope that he will want to one day remain friends. It is very painful though as we have so much in common in so many ways. Its just that everytime we are in the bedroom together I loose interest and long for more. He needs someone who is passionate about him and so does your bf. Hang in there, be good to yourself, and be honest. I am speaking to both of us here!

[Yamaha]

I have tried for ages to teach him how to please me, to create that passion, to work on it and be committed, but I am feeling that I too must be honest with him and that it is time to let go.

 

Passion works both ways and I seriously doubt if the lack of passion is all his fault. How do you expect him to create passion when you have none for him?

 

You make it sound like it is his fault for your dis-interest. I agree with you that it is time to let him go so he can find the passion that you don't have for him. If he has any respect for himself he will not be a friend. I'm sorry if you think it's mean but it is the truth. You cannot go backwards in a relationship. You can only move forward with someone new.

[dreaming4ever]

omg!! I just read all of these posts and I AM in the same position as you. Except my bf is not overweight and he takes care of his appearance. As bad as it sounds, I find myself thinking about other guys to get turned on when I'm being physical with him. What are we going to do???? Just like you, I worry that if I left him I wouldn't be able to find a guy that would be as perfect for me emotionally and that would share the same values.....plus have the right kind of looks. Wow! I honestly thought I was alone on this.

[jenniferlm]

IMO looks don't matter much. Compatibility and the type of person he is should be what's most important. After all, everyone eventually ends up looking old and unattractive in the end.

[dreaming4ever]

True....but since I am in the same position as the original poster, I know what she means about how awesome it would be if we could just look at our bf's and find them sexy. It does make a difference! I'm not saying looks are everything but it's really nice to be able to look at the person you're with and just want to attack them b/c you are so attracted to them. Without that, there's just something missing.....

[jenniferlm]

In my recent relationship, I was with someone who most people wouldn't have found attractive. He was a bit overweight, about 50-60 pounds. But because I liked him as a person so much, and loved him and enjoyed being with him, it didn't bother me. I found him attractive and sexy!

[dreaming4ever]

So jenniferlm,

doesn't that mean that there was a physical spark between you and your ex? Because what me and the original poster are saying is that we don't have any physical spark with our bfs. My ex is also 50lbs overweight but I was attracted to him. For me, the issue isn't about weight. It's about attractiveness.

[jenniferlm]

Hmmm. I guess so. I didn't think he was unattractive. It used to really bother me when people would tell me I could get better. I think it bothered him too and caused a lot of resentment.

I just don't see why if someone is such a great person, their SO just can't get over the fact that they are not perfect looking. I mean, as I said before, age comes to us all and makes everyone equal. It won't matter when they are both 80 that he had a hot bod, but it will matter that he's a great person.

[stoopid_guy]

I just don't see why if someone is such a great person, their SO just can't get over the fact that they are not perfect looking. I mean, as I said before, age comes to us all and makes everyone equal. It won't matter when they are both 80 that he had a hot bod, but it will matter that he's a great person.

Some folks just aren't that adaptable.

[DeeBrod83]

Hey everyone! Sounds like I really sparked the nerves here! I appreciate everything that was said here: critizism and all! I decided that as much as I love him and I hope we can remain close as friends, the spark is just not there and I seriously need that. I talked to him about it and, though he did try and talk me into staying and working on it, he truly understands that I need to do what's best for me, and honestly I feel like whomever I choose to be with for the rest of my life should make me happy in all ways. And if that means I stay single, than so be it. But settling is just not what I need or want to do. So again, thank you everyone for your input!!

Dreaming: good luck to you and keep me posted on what happens (PM Me!)

[dreaming4ever]

Hey DeeBrod83, I tried to PM you but it wouldn't let me so.....

 

How are you feeling since you decided to end things with your bf? Does it feel like it was the right decision? I'm still figuring out what to do but lately my bf has been complaining that I don't kiss him and do physical things with him enough but the truth is it's because I just don't really feel a desire to. I'm not sure if you felt the same way.....but it sucks and I can't tell him the truth, that it's cuz I don't find him attractive. But I can't help it. I tell myself I'm going to be more physical with him but then when it comes to it, I just don't want to. Blah. I really don't want to lose the person that is closest to me in the world cuz you see, since we've started dating a year ago, we're all each other hangs out with pretty much. So if I lost him I'd have no one.......blah....well let me know how you're doing. Bye!

[mental_traveller]

In my opinion, a relationship with someone who is not "your type" is a very bad idea. I had a conversation with one of my best friends about this, and we both concluded that you should never pursue a relationship with a woman who you do not continually get turned on by and want to f*ck every day. The reason is that later down the line, you will have a few clashes over things, maybe get a bit bored, or fancy something new - and if you don't have that passionate attraction, the relationship will start to look very dull indeed. Whereas if you really want to have sex with them all the time, during the 20% time when things seem dull, you'll still have that attraction & great sex to keep you interested.

 

People basically get bored of each other in relationships - *except* when they have a strong animal attraction like that. So if you want to avoid the 7 year itch or temptation to cheat later down the line (and even if you are a "nice person", you will feel that temptation if you are not that turned on by your bf, and probably act on it or come very close), then only stick with people who really do it for you.

 

So my advice would be to break off the relationship, and don't allow any guy to become serious with you unless he makes you go weak at the knees within 60 seconds of meeting.

[mental_traveller]

I agree that I do have a great fear of moving to that next level b/c I've done it before with devastating results. I just don't want to make that kind of commitment when I still have reservations. I really do feel very shallow for all of this, and the way I worded that should be on the same level was poor. And I don't think any differently of him b/c I don't find him attractive, I'm just really worried that this will cause problems between us. I mean, really the difference between friends and lovers is a physical thing, right? So what if we really should just be friends? Don't you think people should find their SO attractive?

 

Listen to the way you are talking. Is this how someone talks about the love of their life, their future soul mate? Is this the stuff of a great passionate romance? He sounds like a guy who'd be good to go shopping with, not someone who is going to arouse and excite you and make you feel life is worth living to the maximum. Do both of you a favour and end it, because no matter how long you stick it out, eventually you will feel frustrated, unsatisfied, and unhappy.

 

Just remember the golden rule of relationships - NEVER settle. If someone is below your level, they are short-term and nothing more. And whatever you do, don't get engaged to this guy, or pregnant by him. That's how women end up becoming miserable for 50 years of their life.

[dreaming4ever]

mental_traveller,

What has been worrying my lately is exactly what you just said. There is no passion, so how can I keep dating and eventually marry someone that I feel no passion for? Like, it MUST be bad if I feel I could go forever without kissing him. As bad as it sounds, I kiss him because I know if I don't he'll complain. The part that really sucks is that he's an awesome companion and he's told me before that if we were to break up, we couldn't even be friends. Which sucks because he's pretty much the only person I've been hanging out with for the past YEAR.

 

And yes I know what you mean about someone that you're attracted to. The reason I started re-evaluating my relationship in the first place and stop lying to myself that it's fine is because a guy at my work admitted he has feelings for me and while I wouldn't do anything with him while I was in a relationship, there is definitely heat between us and I find him attractive, no question. So ya.....

 

Another thing is that I'm the only person that my current bf has in his life and he moved 8 months ago so he doesn't really know anyone around where he lives. I'm the only person he hangs out with. He's told me a little while ago that he's a little depressed and that if I ever leave him he'd be absolutely DEVASTATED. So ya.....this is a really hard situation.

[dreaming4ever]

Oh and btw, if you are confused, I'm in the same position as the original poster.