DeeBrod83 Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Ok, so I find that a lot of the advice on here is very helpful and not just judgemental like a lot of sites tend to be. So here's my story: My man is the nicest, sweetest, most caring person I've ever been with. We match perfectly when it comes to wants and dreams, how we treat people and expect to be treated, what are values are, etc. I've honestly never felt closer to anyone ever in my life. So you ask, what's the problem? Well, I don't find him attractive. He's cute, don't get me wrong. But he is SO not my type. The sex is good, but mostly b/c we're so comfortable together, but he's not really....physically blessed. And without clothes on I find myself imagining other people while we're together. I want so bad to pretend it's not a problem, but honestly it is. I feel like I'm a fairly attractive person (at least that's what people tell me) and I feel like I should be with someone on the same level. I've gotten comments from even my family about how I could do better when they saw him, but then they get to know him and fall in love with him. Why can't I get past this? I don't want to marry him and find myself wanting other men sexually.... I feel like this is just setting myself up for trouble. What do I do? I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this really, but he does know he's not my type and I think that makes him uncomfortable so I don't dwell on it. And why am I seriously looking at this now? Well, he's moving away for his job and he wants me to go with him. I feel like this is my time to get in or get out, and I need to make a decision, but I'd like some help. Am I way off base here!?
quankanne Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 "I feel like I should be with someone on the same level" sounds like something someone superficial would utter, but I think you should give yourself a bit more credit than that, because you seem to care about him in your own way by how you've described the situation. if you feel you two are compatible in ways that matter (like him being the kind of good, decent man you'd be proud to have on your team, so to speak), don't worry too much about his attractiveness. Because in the dark, looks don't make themselves known, character does. And you definitely want someone who is of quality character, not a pretty boy who doesn't give a rat's rump about anything but himself. do you want to the relationship to continue aside from the looks issue? What does your heart tell you about moving away to another town with him? Or is this your subconscious telling you that you're not ready for this next level of commitment? I think that's the bigger issue, and the looks thing could be an excuse to cut it off now.
Author DeeBrod83 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 I agree that I do have a great fear of moving to that next level b/c I've done it before with devastating results. I just don't want to make that kind of commitment when I still have reservations. I really do feel very shallow for all of this, and the way I worded that should be on the same level was poor. And I don't think any differently of him b/c I don't find him attractive, I'm just really worried that this will cause problems between us. I mean, really the difference between friends and lovers is a physical thing, right? So what if we really should just be friends? Don't you think people should find their SO attractive?
TheSilentType Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I wouldn't say you're anymore superficial than most people. You should slowly taper this relationship with your boyfriend for his own benefit. He deserves to be with someone who can love him for everything he is, not just some aspects. Having a physical attraction is a basic aspect of many relationships. I just wonder why you even got together with him knowing that he is not your physical type. Maybe you were just desperate and liked the fact that he is the "nicest, sweetest" person you've ever been with. Don't push this relationship any more forward. You will just create more feelings. End this relationship now because your bf is not going to get any more handsome...he has what he has. If you cannot accept that now, it will still remain a problem in the future. Gently let him go...don't bring attention to the looks issue. In the future, don't be so desperate that you would get involved with some nice guy that you are not attracted to. IMO, people are far more tolerant of personality flaws than physical "flaws." They will stay with a handsome jerk far longer than they will nice but no so goodlooking person. It's just the unfortunate way the world works.
Author DeeBrod83 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Ok, Silenttype, that's a little harsh, but justified I guess.... and how do you suppose I just stop seeing him w/o telling him why? I'm sure that wouldn't fly well. We got together b/c of the emotional bond we had. We started as friends, and he was there for me through a really difficult situation and never left my side. That made me realize how great of a person he is. EVERYTHING else about our relationship is great. We are each other's rock, best friend, and release. If this wasn't this issue, I'd move tomorrow. And when we got together I figured that I was just being stupid and I shouldn't care about superfical things like that and I'd get over it. But honestly, it's been 6 months and though I love him more than anything else in the world, I still haven't gotten over this. I honestly don't feel that walking away from this is going to be the answer.
TheSilentType Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Out of curiousity, exactly what makes this guy so unattractive to you...
Author DeeBrod83 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 My type: taller than me (maybe 6 ft), thin, slight muscle definition, etc. Strongly masculine features, ie strong jaw line, 'man hands', etc. My B/F: only a couple inches taller than me and probably 60 lbs overweight. Now, I know weight is changeable and he has every intention (and is doing it now) to fix this. But he is obviously a big guy no matter how much he works out. He is built like a defensive lineman. He's also not interested in his looks so he doesn't care that he misses spots when he shaves, or doesn't pluck stray eyebrow hairs. Basically, the things that catch my eye about men in general do not match his characteristics. I'm not saying he's unattractive, he's just not what I find myself attracted to in a man.
allina Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 What is so superficial about wanting to be attracted to your SO???! have never understood why people jump down posters throats about this, in a romantic relationship being physically attracted to and lusting after your lover is important
blind_otter Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 What is so superficial about wanting to be attracted to your SO???! have never understood why people jump down posters throats about this, in a romantic relationship being physically attracted to and lusting after your lover is important word. I agree, you have to be physically attracted to them. It's just a given.
Aloros Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I suppose I'm admittedly shallow in some respects, so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt. If you don't find him attractive, and find yourself having reservations because of this, then you should let him go - gently. I personally won't date anyone unless I find them very attractive. Call me shallow if you will. I know people say that it's what's on the inside that counts, and it is. However, that doesn't mean that attractiveness and a good personality (kindness, caring, humor, etc.) are mutually exclusive. Why would I bother dating someone I don't find attractive if I can date someone I find attractive and who has a great personality to boot? That's the way I like 'em - the nice guys, the somewhat nerdy guys, the tall, dark and handsome guys. The guy I'm dating now is all of these things. Don't settle. If the lack of attraction is so bad that you're thinking about leaving him over it, then leave him. You'll be doing both of you a favor in the long run. You can find someone who meets all of your standards, and he can find someone who loves him both inside and out.
SarahRose Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 It sounds like you are really nitpicking here. His stray eyebrow hairs? lol Are you trying to pick him apart because you are afraid of taking it to the next level? Do you somehow deep down feel you don't deserve someone this nice? Sure you could break up with him and find yourself a good looking guy who treats you like dirt and cheats on you. If you are looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, it won't matter one bit what either one of you look like when you are 80.
allina Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 It sounds like you are really nitpicking here. But 60 lbs overweight?!?!?! That's a huge deal, no pun intended.
TheSilentType Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Do you somehow deep down feel you don't deserve someone this nice? I understand where you are coming from....but give the girl a break....at that age looks have a disproportionate importance for a person. Maybe as a person ages, this emphasis becomes less? Who knows. Anyways, wanting to break up someone because you don't deserve to be with someone this nice is one of the most lamest excuses ever. It really is one of the most poorly veiled, roundabout ways of just saying the other person is ugly.
Author DeeBrod83 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 See, I agree with the idea that I'm doing this b/c I'm afraid of going on to the next level. And in a lot of ways I am. But I also feel that in my past relationships I let stuff that bothered me get swept under the rug only to come back and bite me in the butt later, so maybe I'm overly sensititive to this now. And when I think about breaking up with him for this I want to cry. I really really do love him with all my heart, but darn it I just want him to be sexy! Is that too much to ask!?! And no, I don't want a loser guy that's attractive. I want him (my b/f) but I want to want to chase him around the living room, and get turned on just thinking thinking about him naked. To me that's really important! That's why I'm so torn on this issue. I don't want to lose him, but I can't shake this feeling.....
SarahRose Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 But 60 lbs overweight?!?!?! That's a huge deal, no pun intended. She did say he was losing weight.
SarahRose Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Dee is he dieting and going to the gym? I knew this guy who had been overweight for years. A friend of my ex husbands. People seemed to think he was dorky as he didn't dress very well either. Didn't date much. I saw him a few months ago and I hadn't seen him in maybe 2 years and wow! He was totally buff and had changed his hair and wore stylish clothes. He had lots of women. So maybe with your support, he could lose the weight and be a little more stylish for you. From what you said, it just seems like a really good relationship and they are so very rare. Too good to throw away on something he can change. It is not like he is hideous.
stoopid_guy Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Don't settle. If the lack of attraction is so bad that you're thinking about leaving him over it, then leave him. You'll be doing both of you a favor in the long run. You can find someone who meets all of your standards, and he can find someone who loves him both inside and out. Great advice. And folkss, I have to wonder with Silent; why you even got together with him knowing that he is not your physical type. It simply makes no sense. If you're not going to be satisfied with him (or her,) why bother in the first place? Are you just using these "nice, sweet, caring" person until someone "better" comes along? Do you think you're doing him/her a favor? No, there's nothing wrong with having standards. There's not even anything wrong with being "superficial." There's something major wrong with playing with someone else's feelings though.
Author DeeBrod83 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Stoopid, did you even read my other posts?! I'm certainly not in this to keep myself busy until I find something better, I'm not trying to use him, I'm not trying to toy with his emotions, or any of that. I feel in love with who he is, and I got involved b/c I felt that the attraction may follow the feelings.
Yamaha Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Is there nothing about him that you find sexy? I find a woman's butt very sexy and I will find her sexy even if she isn't a star in the looks department. Take a look at him and see if you can find anything about him that's sexy. Maybe his legs, hair, butt, arms, hairy chest, etc... If you can find something about him sexy it might change your whole outlook on him.
stoopid_guy Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Stoopid, did you even read my other posts?! I'm certainly not in this to keep myself busy until I find something better, I'm not trying to use him, I'm not trying to toy with his emotions, or any of that. I feel in love with who he is, and I got involved b/c I felt that the attraction may follow the feelings. Of course I read your other posts. I'm simply trying to see why a person would go out with another they didn't find reasonably attractive. Yes, feelings influence attraction, but there has to be at least a seed of attraction to start with. "I'm not saying he's unattractive, he's just not what I find myself attracted to in a man." There are women out there who would find him attractive as he is. There are men out there who you would find attractive as they are.
rhaywood Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Don't feel bad. I know how it feels. I have been in a more like situation as yours. Guess what I did? When I can no longer take it, I mean I was already uncomfortable being with him in public I broke up with him. I felt sad losing someone special but I feel so relieved and happy after a while.
Guest.Girl Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 If he is willing to improve (eg. shave, go to the gym, buy some decent clothes, read some fashion magazines) then continue. Because this shows he's willing to respect you and take your advice in the future, which is really important for a long term relationship. But if he is unwilling to stand in front of the mirror and take a good look at himself, dump him. Call me superficial but an overweight guy in armani and an expensive haircut and takes good care of his skin can be more attractive than an unshaven hot bod in a rag. ''There is no ugly men, only lazy men.''
Walk Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I read all the posts, and I don't feel your superficial. I am wondering about the level of attraction you claim to have for him. Has it decreased lately? Or always been this low? If you weren't attracted to him, why'd you have sex with him? Which kind of makes me think there was a stronger attraction at first, (maybe not incredibly strong) but you feel it's tapering off now... ? I've dated guys who were incredibly good looking, and those who were... uh, challenged in that department. I'd have to say that it was personality that determined my level of sexual desire for the man. Maybe this isn't true for you or most the other posters, but a majority of the times that my level of attraction for a man started dropping was based on his actions or personality. Dated one guy who was "my type" but the longer I dated him the more... selfish he became. And my level of attraction for him fell at the same time. Dated another guy who is Sooo not my type, but the level of attraction is strong because personality wise he's very attractive to me. So maybe there's more going on with the attraction thing then just his looks? Almost sounds like you may be losing respect for the guy, the way you speak about him. You repeat the kind and caring part a lot. You've stated you're better looking than he is. That he's overweight and unkempt. And if what you're feeling is a lack of respect for the guy... then no amount of him primping and preening is going to bring that attraction back. Maybe the sexual attraction is a by product of slowly losing respect for him? If he's the type of guy who's the classic "nice guy"... bends over backwards for you but never really sets his boundaries.. If you figured out why the attraction dropped off.. then there's a possibility you could work with him to bring it back. But I really wouldn't suggest moving with him when you're feeling this way. That will come back to bite you in the butt, as you said earlier.
Guest Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I personally won't date anyone unless I find them very attractive. I am the same way. Also, different people find diffeent traits attractive. I just dont understand why the author got involved into this relationship if she did not even find him attractive. On the other hand, if everything as good as she says, than worrying about his height IS shallow.
rina_r Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I personally won't date anyone unless I find them very attractive. I am the same way. Also, different people find diffeent traits attractive. I just dont understand why the author got involved into this relationship if she did not even find him attractive. On the other hand, if everything as good as she says, than worrying about his height IS shallow.
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