sad-in-seattle Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 My bf caught me lying. I lie because he gets upset when I hang out with boys or with ex's. I think it's unfair because they are my friends and that is all. If I wanted to be w/them I'd be with them... and he doesn't understand that. Although I think I would be jealous if he hung out with his ex... but I guess I'd have to get over it. (I sound hypocritical) He caught me hanging out with a unapproved friend. He freaked out called me a whore and slut and accused me of cheating. I said that he was crazy and we were just hanging out. That I understood that he is mad because I lied about it, but it was because he gets so upset. I've lied in the past about hanging out with friends, but only to avoid conflict. I hate lying it makes me feel so guilty and it's really stressful. He didn't talk to me for a week. Now he's talking to me. He basically wants me to apologize and beg him for forgiveness to take me back. He says he wants me to say I won't talk to any boys or hang out with them that he doesn't approve of. We have alot wrong w/our relationship other then that. Before I got caught we hardly saw each other (he hardly had time or made excuses to go home like clean his toilets!) and he doesn't try to have sex with me. We've made love maybe like 3 times in the last 4 months. I know he's not cheating on me - he says that he just isn't that sexual of a person... I dunno because in the start of our relationship he was and also I know he looks at porn and does his "own" thing. What do I do? He just keeps pointing out this lying thing is our problem and that other then that we are fine! He is great at ignoring problems except when I can be blamed. (I'm 24 and he's 25 and we have been dating for 1 1/2 yrs. )
Guest Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Let me give you some advice. I just got out of a relationship where my girlfriend had guy friends that she used to sleep with. I'm sorry its ok to have guy friends, but if you have slept with them and you know that it bothers your boyfriend then make the choice of which is more important your friends you used to have sex with or your boyfriend. I did not put up with it in my relationship and its disrespectful to do that if the boyfriend isnt comfortable with it. If your boyfriend means anything to you then do whats right for him and not just yourself.
Author sad-in-seattle Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Hm.. could this possibly be my bf replying.. if not it sounds exactly like him.. he always uses the term "guys I used to sleep with" and also he swung by my house unannounced and I was posting on here and he pushed me out of the way to see what I was doing and wanted to check what this was... so pretty much I think this may be a post from him.. if not your just like him
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I'm not the original Guest but I have to agree with him. Your boyfriend isn't comfortable with it, you either make the sacrifice and either outright stop/decrease the time spent with your male friends or find another man who wont care. If you ask me he'll leave you soon, or you'll end up drunk in an orgy with your friends and he'll find out.
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I detect some control tendencies here, your boyfriend doesn't want you to hang out with "unapproved friends"? and you are how old? 25? . At your age, someone has to dictate to you what friends you hang with and which ones you don't? I think you have bigger issues going on here and you should pay attention. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex as long as you conduct your interaction with them out in the open. Meaning, if you don't act like you have something to hide then your boyfriend won't accuse you of cheating and definitely won't call you a whore. And why is he even calling you names to begin with??? but that is another conversation entirely. If you have to lie about who you hang out with just to avoid confrontation with your boyfriend then you guys have problems that are bigger than who you hang out with. Anyone that's going to cheat will cheat, no matter what. Putting a leash on a mate just so they don't stray is stupid. And the fact that you're letting him put a leash on you says that you need to do some thinking about this whole relationship of yours
Author sad-in-seattle Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Haha what is the deal w/people saying weird crap about me sleeping with my male friends? I'm not going to have an orgy?? WTF is that? How about forget it.. He's a controlling bastard who is insecure, immature, and has self esteem problems. If he can't understand that I'm with him! and if I wanted to be w/other guys then I would be... You guys/girls whoever you are should take a lesson from that and feel better about yourself so you don't take it out on the next people you date. I'm done w/this post I'd delete it if I could.
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Your bf is completely out of order calling you names and, not providing for your sexual needs is like loading the gun for his own execution. If the guy is worried about you straying from the farm he should at least be trying to show you "how green the grass is" on this side. Truth be told I think the guy is taking advantage of your goodness and isn't treating you very well. Given that you're not sleeping with these guys I think you're showing incredible loyalty and a lot of credit is due, ordinarily. Is this a "chicken or the egg" scenario however? Is he annoyed at what you're doing and becoming frustrated or is he just a genuine scumbag. If your relaionship with these other guys was purely sexual then what reason do you have to be associated with them now? And the expression "If I was gonig to...I would have" is for teenagers. Grow up honey people have had affairs after 10, 15, 20 years of faithful marraige because they allowed themselves to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, so why are you so different? People are here to give advice so just because you're not getting your ears tickled there's no need to take it out on the thread.
Author sad-in-seattle Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Grow up? I'm 24 and I think I'm acting my age. The relationship I had with one particular friend was that we dated and I realized it wouldn't work out between us two. So we just stayed friends and had been friends for two years before my boyfriend started dating me. The other person he has a problem with is an ex I dated for three years. Our relationship didn't end badly and we ended it as friends and had been friends/broken up for over a year when my boyfriend and I started dating. He not only has a problem with these two particular people, but randomly he will target just friends of mine, that even have girlfriends! and say I'm talking to them too much.. in one particular instances.. I was giving him relationship advice cuz he was having problems with his girl! He is an insecure guy and I reply on alot of posts on here and I also have received numerous replys on other posts. Most of them are great feedback... but it seems this post had received a two particular replies from 15 year old boys that decided they wanted to play "dr.phil", but have no concept of reality =P. If people give me my opinion I can't give mine? Even if it doesn't "tickle their ears". I don't know how I relayed the information to make it seem like I just banged a lot of guys and keep them around. No. I had relationships in the past.. and they didn't work out. Some people I never talked to again and some others we were able to maintain a good friendship. I have girlfriends and guy friends... I think I didn't convey my problem clearly because everyone seems to be miss-interpreting it and that's why I want to delete it.... And I don't believe that people "allow" themselves to be cheaters because they are "at the wrong place at the wrong time"... something else is wrong with their relationship... I believe cheating, if the person isn't a narcissistic, self destructive person, is part of a reaction of something wrong in the relationship.... so maybe those people that cheat after that many years of marriage need to "grow up" or shoulda left it way before the 10-15-20 year mark.
missdeathwish Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 Well, he sounds vaguely jerky. I agree with previous posters in that hanging out with exes isn't always that great of an idea, especially if it makes your current b/f uncomfortable. If he doesn't like you hanging out with any males other than him, that's pretty unreasonable. Maybe your best bet is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him. Tell him that he's important to you, but so are your friends. If he has a reason not to trust you, you cant' blame him if he doesn't. However, if he's just indiscriminately jealous, maybe you need a breather? I always push communication.
SoCalCatman72 Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 I tend to agree with MDW, IMO he also sounds a bit immaturen and jealous, but there are two sides to every story. You have the right to associate with whoever you please. People don't own people, and we all have free will. Now, if hanging out with certain people makes your bf uncomfortable, he should unequivocably make his position known to you. However your use of the term "unapproved" makes me think this is like a selection process. There may be people that he is extremely uncomfortable with you hanging out with, but in a romantic relationship the term "unapproved" IMO shouldn't exist. That term is for military personnel and employee handbooks. That being said, after he has made his feelings clear, he should only govern his own actions by your responses. However on the flip side, you if you care for and respect your man's feelings, you will make it clear to your "friends" that you cannot and will not continue to have the same level of intimacy with them out of respect for him. In this day and age it's perfectly possible to maintain a healthy, current realtionship with "friends" without having to see them regularly. To further poke at the subject (with a pointy stick), if there is an occasion to hang out with your friends at a time and place where he could be invited to join, I think the resulting actions would be indicative of where he's coming from. *sigh* in a perfect world, I know what I just wrote almost never works in the real world.
vista Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 I totally agree with the last post. I think it would make him a lot more comfortable if you invited him to hang out with your other friends. He may feel insecure if you only hang out with them while he isn't around. My girlfriend (er ex, you have read my thread) always hounded me about hanging out with my ex even though in MY mind I knew nothing was going to happen. Not until sometime later did I realize where she was coming from. It wasn't me she was worried about, it was the other girls intentions she was concerned with. I now totally understand and wouldn't think of hanging out with an ex if my current gf wasn't around, out of respect for her. Just my .02
newbby Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 it sounds like (like alot of men) your bf feels inadequate sexually, hence the not having sex with you, and jealous fits. however, at 25 he really should be sorting this out and at least realising that it is his problem not yours.
Author sad-in-seattle Posted August 26, 2006 Author Posted August 26, 2006 Thanks for the advice guys/gals. I understand where your all coming from. I respect his feelings and stoppped hanging out with my friends the way he wanted me to, at first. He is really demanding though.. he doesn't want an email, a phone call, a text message.. anything at all. He does have a selection process.. pretty much any guy that intimidates him... Also I have invited him all the time to do things with these people. He is totally opposed to that. My friends have poker parties all of the time. I love playing poker! But if one of my ex's will be there.. he tells me I can't go and he will deff not go. (We all have the same group of friends) That's in general.. it could be another friend's birthday party.. still if an ex is there.. I can't go. I have to consistently ask my friends "who's going to be there.. you know I can't be around them." All my friends get so pissed! They think I sound like a crazy person. Also another one of my unapproved friends I go fishing with. I missed two summers already of it... because I'm not allowed to hang out w/that person. He has personal issues from his last relationship. I guess his ex of 6 years cheated on him and would go out to clubs and meet guys, etc. He told me he was an insecure person at first.. but I didn't realize how deep it went. Now he doesn't have reason to trust me because I lied to hang out with my friends.. but I've never cheated on him and never would...
newbby Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 it is his problem, and it really wont matter what you do, it will probably not be enough. he needs to deal with it with himself. eventually he will destroy the relationship with this. i think you need to tell him this, and stand firm on a compromise.
SoCalCatman72 Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 he needs to deal with it with himself. eventually he will destroy the relationship with this. i think you need to tell him this, and stand firm on a compromise. So true. It sounds like this guy is not going to let you hang out with anyone he feels threatened by, which sounds like any male who is not deformed or a complete loser. You've also been dating for 1 1/2 years, and if left unaddressed, it is more than likely that it's only going to get worse. As life goes on, you are going to continue to meet people who you want to be friends with, both male and female. If he continues to smother and stifle you, you are likely going to become resentful and the road to breakup is short and steep from that point.
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