Bad Day

[KittenMoon]

I'm having a tough day. Yet another anxiety attack.

 

Last night was rough. Inadvertently, I was put in a social situation with someone connected to my ex, and connected in a very distasteful manner for me. I had met this person ever so briefly once before the break-up. They didn't even know who I was at first, but as soon as they got my name they sure did. Now, since they would have gotten their impressions about me post-breakup, I had no idea what their image of me was. I could have been painted to this person in a positive, negative, sympathetic, or completely horrible light.

 

Regardless, this person is on some level friends with my ex and there is a good chance the encounter, if not a total account of my behavior would get back to him. And even if it won't, well, I was determined to be nothing but pleasant. I utterly refuse to ruin or make awkward a social engagement with my own issues (unlike SOME people involved in the aforementioned situations) and I refused to let this person have a negative impression of me. (I could care less if they like me, but I am a mature person and I will show that!)

 

So, I was friendly, funny, cordial, and confident. As if I was in a group of people I was 100% comfortable around. Treated this person as if a friend. And they found me funny and enjoyed me and we even played jokes off each other and had discussions on mutual interests. In spite of the unspoken situation. So the night went ok.

 

-----------

 

But it hurts as well. Being reminded of reality is tearing me apart today. These situations (which involve the person above) have diminished my opinion of my ex, and created a lot of anger at him and even more at myself for spending so long with a person who was not who I thought they were. Which leads me to question was he always like how he is now, or did he become like that (or somewhere between the two)?

 

I trusted him 110% for years and years and he betrayed me, and while I accept I can't control another person I have NO idea how to begin to trust anyone again. I feel very dead inside, and I no longer have a best friend. Heck, he's not even my friend. And with what's happened, I feel like someone dumped toxic waste on all my good memories. And I lost respect for him, which is painful.

 

I've stopped talking about this with everyone except LS and my therapist (who has by the way, marked improvement) to try to focus on moving forward, but there's still SO much pain and anger and feelings of betrayal.

 

As in the situation last night, I've tried my hardest to "fake it til I make it" but apparently I'm still a long way from there. In fact, it hurts hurts hurts to have to fake it. I'm faking happy, I'm faking how I feel about everything in order to not have other feel bad for me, or make them feel uncomfortable, or to appear weak (all of this has occured enough and I'm fed up).

 

So.... I guess this qualifies as a Rant 'n Vent. Sorry. Just an unexpected situation that set off a backslide. Thank goodness it was a one time thing.

 

Once again thanks for listening all.

[LaraV]

Hey there Kitten - I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I've identified a lot with your story, your age, and the level of maturity you seem to possess, so I was internally hoping you were doing well.

 

Hmmm. I guess that even months later it still can be a rollercoaster ride for you. Understandable, I think, considering you were with your ex for so long. I can understand that, as I was with an ex fiance for over 7 years, and I think if the break up had not been "mutual" I would have found myself in your same situation. In any case, for what it's worth, I think how far you've come is impressive, and you should not let this be anything but a small setback - one of those days we all have when we just feel *punched* by reality and it just hurts so much.

 

I'm curious, though, why did this instance "diminish" your opinion of your ex, and why the feeling of "betrayal"? I've been going through sort of the same - experiencing in mild forms those two emotions, and was wondering why it is that you feel this way.

 

Also, if it gives you any consolation, I've also been doing the "i'm fine" act in relation to my ex. At times I just feel so tired of talking about him, of thinking about him, of analyzing the entire relationship, etc. So I just don't talk about it, but by no means do I feel fine. And you're right, it feels so bad to have to fake it. Though I'm now finally functional (over two months since the breakup for me) I still feel like I'm carrying some sort of *internal disease* that just keeps me from being truly happy. This has turned me form a very pleasant conversationalist into a withdrawn, distant creature that needs prodding to make her talk. It's so sad at times, thiking how I may look fine on the outside, but I think if people could only see me on the inside they'd be shocked by how damaged I feel. Like I can't summon the energy to really be happy or to learn to trust others, or to even enjoy the company of those who love me.

 

I can imagine all you must be feeling, and I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad today. I know I've had (and will have) days like this, so please feel free to keep venting.

[KittenMoon]

I'm curious, though, why did this instance "diminish" your opinion of your ex, and why the feeling of "betrayal"? I've been going through sort of the same - experiencing in mild forms those two emotions, and was wondering why it is that you feel this way.

 

It's a long story. In a nutshell, if he had been willing to put half as much time and effort into our issues as he has been putting into someone else's incessant dramas, we'd be the happiest couple on earth.

 

So I feel betrayed knowing how little effort was put into us, and I've lost respect for him because he puts up with said dramas, which have been going on so long they are truly ridiculous.

 

Of course, the biggest issue for me being that this creates a lot of internal anger for myself. And there's the simple fact that I'm lonely and I miss my best friend.

[LaraV]

Gotcha. I can relate to the feeling of losing your friend. It sucks that you can be hurting so much, and you want to share it with a certain special someone and suddenly you realize you can't because THEY are the reason you hurt so much. I guess Camus had a point. Life really is absurd at times.

[KittenMoon]

I guess Camus had a point. Life really is absurd at times.

 

If I could buy stock in Irony I would.

[Ariadne]

Hi Kitten,

 

I trusted him 110% for years and years and he betrayed me, and while I accept I can't control another person I have NO idea how to begin to trust anyone again. I feel very dead inside, and I no longer have a best friend.

 

Yep. I'm right there too. But I don't feel angry at him...he did what he thought was the right thing to do.

 

But in my case it just knocked him out of the pedestal I had him. It was like I was never going to find a guy like that, so perfect, etc and now is like pfft.

 

I don't even long for him anymore for some very strange reason. I didn't think it'd happen.

 

What it did leave me with is the feeling of having to start all over again, when I thought I had the partner situation solved

 

Ariadne

[blind_otter]

Hah. I'm not laughing at you, but I understand what you're feeling. It IS frustrating to have to do all this extra stuff to try to stay normal. And I know that for me, there are moments when even all this extra stuff isn't enough and I feel like I'm about to just let go of my grip on the dental floss connecting me to sanity, and that I'm about to jettison off into the stratosphere of complete mumbling homeless lady insanity.

 

Ok, maybe not that bad, but at the moment it is hellish. I've been faking it in various forms for a few years now. They say that's what the mid-20s is all about. Random bouts of semi-controllable insanity. They also say that you level out as you get older.

 

Life is the wretched theater of the abusurd. Come, sit down with me, I'll share popcorn while we laugh bitterly.

[Guest]

I know how you feel. I currently work with someone who allowed my ex husband to use her house to have sex with his girlfriend. This person was so polite and friendly on our job site, once I found out what was happening, I just shut down on everyone. I feel so betrayed, I can't confide in anyone and don't know who to trust. I feel like the whole world is in a conspiracy against me so I have withdrawn inside myself until I can be whole again. To the outside world I am an absolute fake, very vivacious and with a pasted-on smile, but inside I am dead.

[KittenMoon]

Blah. I am just tired of the ridiculousness. This past weekend was wedding-mania (1 wedding, 1 viewing of a newly engaged friend's ring, and one discussion on buying wedding rings w/ another friend) not to mention the wedding was right near my ex's family's hometown.... so we passed sign after sign after sign..... Reminders and Desires. Like sharp pointy sticks in my heart!!!!

 

Last night just topped it off. I'm sort of sickened this person knows who i am now even though I played nice...

 

I keep saying today/thisweek/this weekend will end the reminders, etc.... no, NOW.... wait.... NOW. But they just keep creeeeeeeping up. Things I wouldn't even have thought I could possibly see or be reminded of. SO FRUSTRATING.

 

And it all leads down the road to anxiety attacks. Today was a bad one.

 

Life... cmon! Cut me some friggin slack!!!!!