Why is the OW bashed here

[reneet]

Shouldn't the H be? He left the marriage.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think its because the perception is that the MM succumbs to temptation while the OW actually creates it.

 

Is that true? In matters of perception, the truth often doesn't matter.

[Sami_D]

Because the woman is always blamed in these situations, despite the fact that often/usually it is the MM who misrepresents his position or outright lies.

 

Women are the main posters on these 'love sights'. And of course the BS will blame the OW rather than her own H for any infidelity. Blaming her own H would force her to reassess her position, and her H. Too dangerous for most women to handle.

[blind_otter]

Shouldn't the H be? He left the marriage.

 

personally I think everyone involved in the liason is pretty FUBAR. But that's JMO.

[whichwayisup]

Why is the OW bashed here

 

Shouldn't the H be? He left the marriage.

 

The MM is the one who chooses to cheat on his wife, though it takes two to tango for an affair to start.

[newbby]

its not just here. the ow is bashed everywhere. its more apparent here of course, and there are alot of bs here so theres alot of anger from that. i hear women all the time bashing women for being the ow, even married women who have had affairs. i think women are more competetive with each other, women are derogatory about other women all the time, in all situations so i always think its funny when they speak of the importance of "sisterhood", then call other women "sluts" etc

[newbby]

Also, people often interepret harsh truths as bashing, because that's not what they want 2 hear.

 

-ol' 2long

 

although some people think they are being helpful by stating the obvious, i think alot of it is bashing in disguise, or alot of it is outright bashing.

[Sami_D]

Perhaps.

 

Guess it's up 2 each reader 2 make their own determinations.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I think most of us have.

[lyfelite]

I know-- dude all the OW bashing needs to stop. I personally think its pent up anger from other OW that aren't getting what they want so they bash on other people.

 

Of course I might just be starting S**t now.

[blind_otter]

I know-- dude all the OW bashing needs to stop. I personally think its pent up anger from other OW that aren't getting what they want so they bash on other people.

 

Of course I might just be starting S**t now.

 

or it's people who don't engage in the behavior at all and think the whole thing is just messed up and totally unnecessarily complicated.

 

Perhaps I believe this because I've endured many obstacles in my life that have made me value different things, though.

 

Whatever tickles your pickle, man. It's your life. I just happen to be entertained by it.

[Sami_D]

I know-- dude all the OW bashing needs to stop. I personally think its pent up anger from other OW that aren't getting what they want so they bash on other people.

 

Of course I might just be starting S**t now.

 

There used to be a strong OW community here. Most of us have now moved elsewhere because of the BS and 'guest' bashing, and in some cases being banned. OW have been looking for a place in which to discuss their position without having to argue the toss with bashers for a long time. Now we have found one, one of the unfortunate repercussions of that is that LS is left with an OW forum which is somewhat lop-sided.

 

That does not at all mean that OW want to bash other OW. I think what it is reflecting is that most of the mature OW are no longer joining in the bashfest which LS is turning into. That is a reflection of LS, and it's moderation policy, rather than a reflection of OW and their allegiances.

[a4a]

or it's people who don't engage in the behavior at all and think the whole thing is just messed up and totally unnecessarily complicated.

 

Perhaps I believe this because I've endured many obstacles in my life that have made me value different things, though.

 

Whatever tickles your pickle, man. It's your life. I just happen to be entertained by it.

 

 

Wow snatched my thoughts exactly!

 

"tickle pickle"......now that makes me smile!

[Sami_D]

True.

 

But anyone who is a willing third party in another couple's marriage/relationship (whether a silent partner or not) can't exactly claim they were a part of the solution or an innocent bystander, either.

 

When you're in a relationship with someone who is married, you are not a 'third party' in anything.

 

No one is 'innocent'.

 

A Marriage is one thing, a relationship is quite another. It is entirely possible for a relationship between a H and W to have broken down to next to nothing, while the M is still a contract.

 

A MM might say to an OW, 'My R with my W is over' and yet their M will never be broken.

 

The two things are not interchangeable.

[serial muse]

When you're in a relationship with someone who is married, you are not a 'third party' in anything.

 

No one is 'innocent'.

 

A Marriage is one thing, a relationship is quite another. It is entirely possible for a relationship between a H and W to have broken down to next to nothing, while the M is still a contract.

 

A MM might say to an OW, 'My R with my W is over' and yet their M will never be broken.

 

The two things are not interchangeable.

 

Sami D, this is not a personal attack because I respect you. But I have to point out that to solve any problem, you need the correct number of equations to match your unknowns.

 

And there's a big part of the equation missing here:

 

"A MM might say to an OW, 'My R with my W is over' and yet their M will never be broken."

 

Their M will never be broken, in that situation, because he will not say that to his wife. And that is because he is fundamentally dishonest. He may be a good man in other ways, but he is not a good man here.

 

And the OW who knows this, and accepts those terms, has become a willing accomplice in that deceit. I understand that she is also often misled - but on this one, most important point, she has more information than the wife does - that he claims the "R" is already over.

 

Of course, it may be that that, too, is a lie. In which case, he has told two lies, while she is an accomplice to only one.

 

But that does not absolve her of being complicit in the first place.

[Beth]

I am closing the thread but allowing it to stand. The original topic of why OW are bashed here is a valid question. However, there should be NO bashing of any kind on any of the threads.

 

As someone pointed out, the moderation of such threads and posts is a key factor in why bashing stays on the boards. It is not our policy to allow it at all; however, LoveShack.org has such a large volume of members and so few moderators that we cannot possibly read each thread and post on a daily basis. We also must use our best judgment to keep to the guidelines and often discuss with other moderators actions that should be taken.

 

We rely on the members to report inflammatory posts and not to reply to the post itself which could continue and expand the 'bashing'. Yes, we do ban some members when they have ignored repeated warnings and instructions and that is sad to us as moderators because some of those banned were very helpful and contributed a lot in other threads. However, if they can't keep away from topics that anger them and trigger their negative emotional outbursts - they have to go.

 

I did not like deleting so many posts from this thread because a lot of people put some thought and effort into what they wrote – but their posts were directed at others and did not address the topic.

 

I would like to point you to Midori's post - which is at the top of the OW/OM forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54546/