Going to be the OW--Sweet Rewards, Sweet Revenge!

[Guest]

To make a long story short, my ex and I broke up in 1999 after a three-year relationship. We were "soul mates" (even though I hate using that word) and both of us are convinced to this day of it. However, after we parted ways, he started dating another woman. She got herself pregnant (yes, she stopped taking her birth control pills without him knowing it), and trapped him into marriage, knowing he is the type of guy who would "do the right thing" and marry her if she got pregnant. He and I still keep in touch to this day and I know for a fact that if she hadn't come along and gotten herself knocked up on purpose, he and I would be together right now, happily married, with children of our own. In the meantime, I have gotten married and moved 200 miles away from my ex, but I now know I did it because I was running away from the past. Even though I love my husband, the passion in our marriage is gone--it never really existed--and we haven't had sex in a year. My ex is going through the same thing with his wife, but he won't leave her because he has "worked too hard" to make a life out of what has been dealt to him. He is a devoted father and loves his children (yes, they had a second child because he loves children and wants a whole bunch), but he and his wife don't have sex either. I am furious with his wife for getting between us and ruining my future with him--sometimes I think part of the reason she "trapped" him in the first place was because she was jealous of me, even though he and I were broken up and she had no real reason to be jealous.

 

Anyway, he and I have kept in touch all of these years, and our contact has become more frequent lately. Instead of just e-mails, we call each other and chat. Our conversations have become more bold in the very recent past, and after one particular conversation, I e-mailed him and suggested we have an affair. Not surprisingly, he returned my e-mail with an emphatic yes.

 

So, now it is a waiting game, waiting for the opportunity to arise when we can meet discreetly and have a night of passionate sex. I still travel back to his area several times a year, mostly by myself, because my family and friends are all still living in that area. As fate would have it, he travels to my area for work quite often. It is on one of his work-related trips we are planning to have our tryst.

 

Neither of us wants to be a home wrecker, but we are both frustrated and neglected at home, and we both still love each other very much. The sex we had when we were together was phenomenal, and we both want to experience that again. I want to do this because, 1) I am being neglected at home and every time I voice my concerns to my husband he ignores me; 2) I still care deeply for my ex, even though it has been 7 years since we broke up--to have some part of him, however small, would be deeply rewarding to me, and I think he feels the same; and, 3) I relish the fact that I will be stabbing the woman in the back who is responsible for ruining my future happiness with the only man I have ever really and truly been in love with, even though I would never want her to find out. It would be purely personal satisfaction.

 

Am I wrong for wanting this? I don't want to hurt my husband--even though we aren't intimate, we still are really close and get along so well. I don't have any intentions of leaving him, I don't want to leave, but I do have needs he is not willing to satisfy. That's where my ex comes in...he is willing, and able, to satisfy me. Not to mention the pure satisfaction I will derive from having him want me, crave me, and need me behind his wife's back. I know two wrongs don't make a right, and maybe I am stooping to her level a bit, but the desire to have sex with him again is far greater than my need for revenge.

 

What do you think?

[Adunaphel]

hello,

I would like to advise you against turning into reality what is probably a very satisfying fantasy but would bring a lot of trouble in your life (that you do not need) if acted out.

 

You would be hurting yourself, your marriage, your H more than you'd hurt your ex or his wife.

No sex, no matter how great, is worth so much trouble.

 

He and I still keep in touch to this day and I know for a fact that if she hadn't come along and gotten herself knocked up on purpose, he and I would be together right now, happily married, with children of our own.

 

Actually, you don't. He might have told you he feels this way. You might feel this way. But odds are that things would not have gone this way.

 

I e-mailed him and suggested we have an affair. Not surprisingly, he returned my e-mail with an emphatic yes.

 

What you know for a fact is that he is capable of having an affair.

If he had married you and the marriage was hitting a rough spot, he could be agreeing enthusiastically to have an affair with someone else right now.

 

sometimes I think part of the reason she "trapped" him in the first place was because she was jealous of me, even though he and I were broken up and she had no real reason to be jealous.

 

No matter what her reason was, she did have nothing against you personally.

It was not that her main purpose was to hurt you, or to take someone away from you.

She wanted your ex in her life and she picked a very stupid, quick-to-backfire strategy.

 

3) I relish the fact that I will be stabbing the woman in the back who is responsible for ruining my future happiness with the only man I have ever really and truly been in love with, even though I would never want her to find out. It would be purely personal satisfaction.

 

As for the personal satisfaction part, knowing that your ex *would*indeed have an affair with you should be as good as actually sleeping with him.

 

the very best personal satisfaction, though, is the one you could have either working things out with your H or divorcing him and getting together with a man you can be happy with.

 

If the situation can't be improved with your H, you won't leave him anyway, and would have an affair anyway (even if this not sound like your case), it would be way better to have an affair with a different person.

 

 

That's where my ex comes in...he is willing, and able, to satisfy me. Not to mention the pure satisfaction I will derive from having him want me, crave me, and need me behind his wife's back.

 

- he might crave being intimate with you, but he would not have a good opinion of you.

- if he wants you so much, it would be as satisfying -and not even remotely that dangerous!!!- letting him know that sorry, he can't have you no matter how much he would like to.

 

 

Don't do this, really. It would backfire on you big time.

[Mascara]

You can't be for real. Jeez, if he didn't want to be a father he should have used a condom!!! You can't "trap" a man who controls his own fertility. Those kind of men won't get "trapped" even if a woman tells him she is on the pill.

 

You might think you will get some sort of satisfaction from your idea of "revenge", but how are you going to feel six months down the line when you realise you want him to leave her and he won't?

 

You really need to address your anger towards this wife, because it is utterly misguided. You're bitter because she took what you believe is yours, and your sense of entitlement is very overpowering in your post.

 

Have a look on the internet for signs of narcissism and see how many you check off the list.

[newbby]

Am I wrong for wanting this?

no you are not "wrong" for wanting this but...

I don't want to hurt my husband--

that is quite likely

but I do have needs he is not willing to satisfy.

is he aware of this?

That's where my ex comes in...he is willing, and able, to satisfy me.

only in a very limited way and for a limited amount of time. by which time, (especially since you already have the feelings, and so it seems unlikely that you will be able to keep things purely physical), you will be hooked and confused. remember that men can easily lose respect for a woman when they sleep with them without commitment, and so physical relationships on a fwb basis, for the most part end with feelings deepening for the woman and fading for the men.

Not to mention the pure satisfaction I will derive from having him want me, crave me,

temporarily

and need me behind his wife's back.

well, i think you need to let go of this revenge, it has been many years and well, revenge is rubbish.

What do you think?

 

its a bad idea

[a4a]

Weigh the outcomes:

 

You get your thrill........ you betray your husband.

You get your revenge....... but if his wife does not find out, she is not hurt so how is that revenge?

You get your revenge and his wife finds out........ you did not just hurt her but their children as well.

You do this.......... one of them finds out and your H leaves you, she leaves your X and you get him.

 

Well on the last one: If indeed this man did not love this woman at all he did not have to marry her, nor have more children with her. If what he states is true and he just breeds with her because he wants more kids and is using her as a brood mare and nanny for his offspring..........well he does not sound like a good catch.

 

And if he is unable to work out a marriage where he has committed to her then he lacks in becoming a good partner ...... he is not up to par as a husband regardless of how rotten she may be. If he cheats on her why would he not cheat on you?

 

You should just really put all this energy into either fixing your marriage or divorcing your husband and finding someone who is single.

[Meaplus3]

It sounds to me like you are more interested in getting back at his wife here for your own satisfaction and to me that is plain WRONG. I can understand that you may still have feeling's for him, but if he wanted to be with you, he would have married you and not her! You are going to ruin two marriages if you give into tempation. Just my 2 cent's. Good Luck.

 

AP

[movinon05]

This is sad. Seems to me your main motivation is to have an affair for revenge! Did you ever stop to think that there was a reason you two broke up in the first place? And maybe for that reason, it might not work out again! You're reliving the past, the good times you had with him, and forgetting the bad. And now you only want sex with him to get back at her? A temporary fix since neither of you will leave your marriages. Stop playing the blame game and fix yourself and maybe your marriage in the process. A little growing up is in order.

[lilacmist]

To make a long story short, my ex and I broke up in 1999 after a three-year relationship. We were "soul mates" (even though I hate using that word) and both of us are convinced to this day of it. However, after we parted ways, he started dating another woman. She got herself pregnant (yes, she stopped taking her birth control pills without him knowing it), and trapped him into marriage, knowing he is the type of guy who would "do the right thing" and marry her if she got pregnant. He and I still keep in touch to this day and I know for a fact that if she hadn't come along and gotten herself knocked up on purpose, he and I would be together right now, happily married, with children of our own. In the meantime, I have gotten married and moved 200 miles away from my ex, but I now know I did it because I was running away from the past. Even though I love my husband, the passion in our marriage is gone--it never really existed--and we haven't had sex in a year. My ex is going through the same thing with his wife, but he won't leave her because he has "worked too hard" to make a life out of what has been dealt to him. He is a devoted father and loves his children (yes, they had a second child because he loves children and wants a whole bunch), but he and his wife don't have sex either. I am furious with his wife for getting between us and ruining my future with him--sometimes I think part of the reason she "trapped" him in the first place was because she was jealous of me, even though he and I were broken up and she had no real reason to be jealous.

 

Anyway, he and I have kept in touch all of these years, and our contact has become more frequent lately. Instead of just e-mails, we call each other and chat. Our conversations have become more bold in the very recent past, and after one particular conversation, I e-mailed him and suggested we have an affair. Not surprisingly, he returned my e-mail with an emphatic yes.

 

So, now it is a waiting game, waiting for the opportunity to arise when we can meet discreetly and have a night of passionate sex. I still travel back to his area several times a year, mostly by myself, because my family and friends are all still living in that area. As fate would have it, he travels to my area for work quite often. It is on one of his work-related trips we are planning to have our tryst.

 

Neither of us wants to be a home wrecker, but we are both frustrated and neglected at home, and we both still love each other very much. The sex we had when we were together was phenomenal, and we both want to experience that again. I want to do this because, 1) I am being neglected at home and every time I voice my concerns to my husband he ignores me; 2) I still care deeply for my ex, even though it has been 7 years since we broke up--to have some part of him, however small, would be deeply rewarding to me, and I think he feels the same; and, 3) I relish the fact that I will be stabbing the woman in the back who is responsible for ruining my future happiness with the only man I have ever really and truly been in love with, even though I would never want her to find out. It would be purely personal satisfaction.

 

Am I wrong for wanting this? I don't want to hurt my husband--even though we aren't intimate, we still are really close and get along so well. I don't have any intentions of leaving him, I don't want to leave, but I do have needs he is not willing to satisfy. That's where my ex comes in...he is willing, and able, to satisfy me. Not to mention the pure satisfaction I will derive from having him want me, crave me, and need me behind his wife's back. I know two wrongs don't make a right, and maybe I am stooping to her level a bit, but the desire to have sex with him again is far greater than my need for revenge.

 

What do you think?

 

I'm in very similar situation, I was with my ex for a long time and at one point he and I were all set to marry. Sadly, the marriage didn't happen, we seperated and then shortly afterwards along comes the other woman. Soon after she gets pregnant, he does the right thing and marries her - but he's not happy and shortly after they marry, he returns to me. The roles reverse for me, I'm now the OW and not the fiance.

 

I could've written your post, only omit the parts where revenge appears to be your motive, for doing what you do. I genuinely still love the man in my life in question amd is why I'm in the posistion I am in.

 

I will admit to not caring how his wife would feel if she found out, because quite simply, she didn't care about my feelings when she so quickly and easily stepped into my shoes. His bed sheets hadn't even had chance to go cold!

 

I guess this is what sometimes happen, when you choose to take risks and get involved with a man, who has a long history with another woman and a woman with whom he's only just seperated, who isn't out of his system.

[a4a]

I'm in very similar situation, I was with my ex for a long time and at one point he and I were all set to marry. Sadly, the marriage didn't happen, we seperated and then shortly afterwards along comes the other woman. Soon after she gets pregnant, he does the right thing and marries her - but he's not happy and shortly after they marry, he returns to me. The roles reverse for me, I'm now the OW and not the fiance.

 

I could've written your post, only omit the parts where revenge appears to be your motive, for doing what you do. I genuinely still love the man in my life in question amd is why I'm in the posistion I am in.

 

I will admit to not caring how his wife would feel if she found out, because quite simply, she didn't care about my feelings when she so quickly and easily stepped into my shoes. His bed sheets hadn't even had chance to go cold!

 

I guess this is what sometimes happen, when you choose to take risks and get involved with a man, who has a long history with another woman and a woman with whom he's only just seperated, who isn't out of his system.

 

 

I could understand if she forced her way in.....but it takes two to tango.

Are you not angry with him at all for pulling back the sheets for her?

[bittersweetheart]

Thank you all for your valuable feedback. I created a user name so I could reply.

 

I have written a follow-up post to this one, but it probably won't appear until tomorrow. It has a great deal more background information.

 

Lilacmist, I just wanted to say that I am glad I am not alone in my predicament. I also want to clarify that I am not simply considering this for revenge, I honestly, truly love this man. He was "the one."

[Mascara]

I'm in very similar situation, I was with my ex for a long time and at one point he and I were all set to marry. Sadly, the marriage didn't happen, we seperated and then shortly afterwards along comes the other woman. Soon after she gets pregnant, he does the right thing and marries her - but he's not happy and shortly after they marry, he returns to me. The roles reverse for me, I'm now the OW and not the fiance.

 

I could've written your post, only omit the parts where revenge appears to be your motive, for doing what you do. I genuinely still love the man in my life in question amd is why I'm in the posistion I am in.

 

I will admit to not caring how his wife would feel if she found out, because quite simply, she didn't care about my feelings when she so quickly and easily stepped into my shoes. His bed sheets hadn't even had chance to go cold!

 

I guess this is what sometimes happen, when you choose to take risks and get involved with a man, who has a long history with another woman and a woman with whom he's only just seperated, who isn't out of his system.

 

I don't get this. He was SINGLE when she met him, it doesn't matter how long for. Yet you think this justifies having an affair with him when he is NOT single?

 

Do you believe he is still "yours" for a certain period after you split up?

[lindya]

my ex and I broke up in 1999 after a three-year relationship. We were "soul mates" (even though I hate using that word) and both of us are convinced to this day of it.

 

Why did you break up?

 

She got herself pregnant (yes, she stopped taking her birth control pills without him knowing it), and trapped him into marriage, knowing he is the type of guy who would "do the right thing" and marry her if she got pregnant.

 

That sounds like a terrible situation.

 

He and I still keep in touch to this day and I know for a fact that if she hadn't come along and gotten herself knocked up on purpose, he and I would be together right now, happily married, with children of our own.

 

How does one go about establishing something like that as "fact"? I can see why the belief that the two of you were star-crossed lovers would be a very seductive and romantic one to hang on to. Something that you would be keen to view as fact rather than opinion. On a practical level, what does that belief bring to your life? How does it make you feel when you dwell on it?

 

My ex is going through the same thing with his wife, but he won't leave her because he has "worked too hard" to make a life out of what has been dealt to him. He is a devoted father and loves his children (yes, they had a second child because he loves children and wants a whole bunch),

 

Would it be painful for you to consider that your ex had a sexual relationship with his wife for any reason other than that he wanted children?

 

I am furious with his wife for getting between us and ruining my future with him--sometimes I think part of the reason she "trapped" him in the first place was because she was jealous of me, even though he and I were broken up and she had no real reason to be jealous.

 

If she had no reason to be jealous, that would surely indicate that there was no sign, when he started to date her, that the two of you were likely to get back together? You weren't a couple for her to come between. Your relationship had finished at that stage.

 

Anyway, he and I have kept in touch all of these years, and our contact has become more frequent lately. Instead of just e-mails, we call each other and chat. Our conversations have become more bold in the very recent past, and after one particular conversation, I e-mailed him and suggested we have an affair. Not surprisingly, he returned my e-mail with an emphatic yes.

 

Why has this suddenly happened now?

 

Neither of us wants to be a home wrecker, but we are both frustrated and neglected at home, and we both still love each other very much. The sex we had when we were together was phenomenal, and we both want to experience that again.

 

I hear you re the sexual compatibility, but were you truly compatible in other ways...and if so, why did you split up in the first place?

 

I relish the fact that I will be stabbing the woman in the back who is responsible for ruining my future happiness with the only man I have ever really and truly been in love with, even though I would never want her to find out. It would be purely personal satisfaction.

 

If you manage to stab this other woman in the back, what does that mean about you - and what does it mean about her? Would it mean, in your eyes, that you are more attractive/loveable/special than she is? Would it serve some sort of purpose, in your mind, for her to find out? Let's say you did what you're planning to do, she found out about it and slipped into a depression. Would that be a positive outcome for you?

 

Somehow, you need to be able to look beyond this muddle of emotion and anger, and consider what the practical outcomes you're hoping for are.

 

Am I wrong for wanting this?

 

I think it would be easier to answer that if you could clarify why you want it. At the moment, you're just talking about a combination of negative emotions, sexual frustration and what sounds like some degree of nostalgia. Again...try to put the emotional stuff to one side for a moment and consider what outcomes you'd like to see arising from you having an affair with this guy.

 

I don't want to leave, but I do have needs he is not willing to satisfy. That's where my ex comes in...he is willing, and able, to satisfy me.

 

What if that turns out to be true? What would be the next step then? And if it transpires that you're mistaken...ie that in the 9 years you've been apart, things have changed and you no longer satisfy eachother? What if he were to one day tell you "Look - I do love my wife. I haven't been entirely honest with you. I kept you on hold all those years because you and I had a hot sexual thing together, but the truth is that I never saw myself actually being with you on a permanent basis. I didn't think you were the kind of person I could be happy with."

 

What then? Sometimes, just sometimes, star crossed lovers really aren't that compatible underneath all the drama that creates strong emotion.

 

Not to mention the pure satisfaction I will derive from having him want me, crave me, and need me behind his wife's back. I know two wrongs don't make a right, and maybe I am stooping to her level a bit, but the desire to have sex with him again is far greater than my need for revenge.

 

What do you think?

 

I think your emotions sound very chaotic. That you've pinned all sorts of fantasies onto this guy, and are taking pains to perceive every aspect of this situation in a way that supports those fantasies. I think you need to talk to someone you trust about this. Someone who's on your side, but who's responsible enough to challenge your thinking on this matter. Right now, you're presenting as "fact" all sorts of assumptions that can't be proved or disproved. That alone indicates that you're not thinking about this on anything close to an emotionally intelligent manner.

[lilacmist]

I don't get this. He was SINGLE when she met him, it doesn't matter how long for. Yet you think this justifies having an affair with him when he is NOT single?

 

He was single when they got together, yes. But she'd had designs on him for a long time and while he and I had been together. She made it known to him that she was interested in him and when he was in a committed relationship with me and would very likely have jumped into a relationship with him behind my back, had she got the chance. So you see, she isn't all that 'angelic' herself.

 

Hats off to her, she finally got him when he and I seperated. But he didn't leave me for her, for I was the one to end the relationship. Something I regretted, but nevertheless, something I did, I had my reasons.

 

But anyway and to cut a long story short, it didn't take him long to come running back and not long after the bells had stopped peeling and the confetti had been thrown.

 

She may wear the ring, but she will never totally have his heart. It belongs to me, always has and always will and his heart is what I'd opt for, every single time.

 

To be honest, it's not like she wasn't warned about him. I told her not long after they got together, that he'd return to me, because he loved me and would never, ever stop loving me. She'd laughed in my face....

 

But I was proven right!

[a4a]

He was single when they got together, yes. But she'd had designs on him for a long time and while he and I had been together. She made it known to him that she was interested in him and when he was in a committed relationship with me and would very likely have jumped into a relationship with him behind my back, had she got the chance. So you see, she isn't all that 'angelic' herself.

 

Hats off to her, she finally got him when he and I seperated. But he didn't leave me for her, for I was the one to end the relationship. Something I regretted, but nevertheless, something I did, I had my reasons.

 

But anyway and to cut a long story short, it didn't take him long to come running back and not long after the bells had stopped peeling and the confetti had been thrown.

 

She may wear the ring, but she will never totally have his heart. It belongs to me, always has and always will and his heart is what I'd opt for, every single time.

 

To be honest, it's not like she wasn't warned about him. I told her not long after they got together, that he'd return to me, because he loved me and would never, ever stop loving me. She'd laughed in my face....

 

But I was proven right!

 

well at least that is a consolation prize......but he is still married to her.

That would not be good enough for me.

 

But that is me.

[TheSilentType]

I'm in very similar situation, I was with my ex for a long time and at one point he and I were all set to marry. Sadly, the marriage didn't happen, we seperated and then shortly afterwards along comes the other woman. Soon after she gets pregnant, he does the right thing and marries her - but he's not happy and shortly after they marry, he returns to me. The roles reverse for me, I'm now the OW and not the fiance.

 

I could've written your post, only omit the parts where revenge appears to be your motive, for doing what you do. I genuinely still love the man in my life in question amd is why I'm in the posistion I am in.

 

I will admit to not caring how his wife would feel if she found out, because quite simply, she didn't care about my feelings when she so quickly and easily stepped into my shoes. His bed sheets hadn't even had chance to go cold!

 

I guess this is what sometimes happen, when you choose to take risks and get involved with a man, who has a long history with another woman and a woman with whom he's only just seperated, who isn't out of his system.

 

This other woman aside, it seems like you have absolutely no regard for your husband. I think your fabricated argument that your husband is not meeting your needs is just an excuse to justify meeting your EX...

 

The things people will say and do just to satisfy their own selfish needs....

[lilacmist]

This other woman aside, it seems like you have absolutely no regard for your husband. I think your fabricated argument that your husband is not meeting your needs is just an excuse to justify meeting your EX...

 

The things people will say and do just to satisfy their own selfish needs....

 

I think you quoted the wrong post. There's no husband involved, other than the half hearted one I'm involved with of course.

[bittersweetheart]

I think your fabricated argument that your husband is not meeting your needs is just an excuse to justify meeting your EX...

 

The things people will say and do just to satisfy their own selfish needs....

 

My husband and I have not had sex for a year, and it's not for the lack of trying. I have tried to communicate with him time and again about this, but every time I do he just shuts me down. He has withdrawn from intimacy completely--I rarely even get a hug or a kiss unless I am the one giving it. He immerses himself in his work projects. We hardly ever go out anywhere. He doesn't even bother to go shopping for Christmas/Valentine's Day/Birthday gifts, not even a card or flowers. We don't socialize with friends. He has given up caring for himself (going to gym, eating right, started smoking again). Believe me, this is NOT the man I married. Things have been deteriorating pretty much since we were married. I honestly don't know what to do.

 

Believe me, it is not in my nature to cheat--or at least it hasn't been until now--but I feel I have been cheated out of the happy marriage that I thought I was entering into. I guess I have tried to justify myself too much based on the past, but it is my present situation that really is the root cause. I guess I am considering an affair with my ex because it would be virtually effortless to make it happen. Someone said I am frustrated, and they are so right, because I am, in many ways.

 

Maybe I shouldn't take out my aggressions in the wrong way by deceiving my husband, because when the rendezvous with the ex is over, I will still be back where I started at home, only feeling guilty and cheap.

 

Hearing everyone's point-of-view on this is so helpful. I guess by reaching out to all of you here is my way of trying to talk myself out of doing this. I have laid all the cards on the table, tried to justify all of it in any and every way I can, and still you have all done a sufficient job of picking my justifications apart and discrediting them. This is a good thing and I am so happy I did reach out to all of you.

 

Thanks to you all, I am now having second thoughts about becoming the OW. But that still leaves me with the problem of my marriage. I suppose that is something for another forum.

 

Thanks again!

[kymberann]

Something to think about....

You'll have your tryst. You'll enjoy it no doubt. You'll leave each other and then you will desperately and painfully and mercifully miss him. This will only make you want him more and more creating more jealousy and a urge for revenge because he will be home with the wife! Trust me, it can only get worse! Think about it thoroughly!

Best!

[whichwayisup]

End your marriage then. If your husband is not taking care of himself and doesn't care about you and your needs, then END IT. Don't cheat on him just because you're unhappy in the marriage. That's just selfish and staying with him for money, comfort and not wanting to be alone reasons...

 

No matter what the state of your marriage is, fix it or end it - But don't cheat on him. Two wrongs do NOT make a right.

[bittersweetheart]

Why did you break up?

 

lindya, we broke up because I realized he was a commitment and communication-phobe, a control freak, and had archaic ideas about gender roles in relationships. He thought it was the "man's place" to bring up marriage, and when I brought up the subject--after being together for almost three years and I was 30 and he was 31--I guess I took the wind out of his sails. His answer was, "If I tell you now that I think our relationship is headed in the direction of marriage, you'll just be waiting for me to give you a ring." I'll never forget that. Besides, I was always put on the back burner behind work/school/family/etc.

 

 

How does one go about establishing something like that as "fact"? I can see why the belief that the two of you were star-crossed lovers would be a very seductive and romantic one to hang on to. Something that you would be keen to view as fact rather than opinion. On a practical level, what does that belief bring to your life? How does it make you feel when you dwell on it?

 

You're right, I can't say for sure what would have happened between us in the future, I can only conjecture based on what he told me recently, before the discussion of an affair came up, and that was that he considered me to have been "the one" for him. I guess I am simply caught up in the romantic ideas of the past, and it doesn't feel good at all that I can't let them go.

 

 

 

Would it be painful for you to consider that your ex had a sexual relationship with his wife for any reason other than that he wanted children?

 

No. It is more painful to think that he wanted her to bear his children. I know that wasn't the case at first, because she ended up pregnant five months into their relationship. His family has old-fashioned values and they were devastated with the news, as he knew they would be. He trusted her when she said she was taking the pill--that was his mistake.

 

 

If she had no reason to be jealous, that would surely indicate that there was no sign, when he started to date her, that the two of you were likely to get back together? You weren't a couple for her to come between. Your relationship had finished at that stage.

 

I believe if she didn't come along when she did, he and I would have reconciled about the same time. He has a big ego and I was responsible for destroying that ego when I dumped him, so he was glad to flaunt his new relationship in my face. I'm certain they would have split up eventually, because he was devastated when he found out she was pregnant--his exact words to his sister were, "I was just having fun with her."

 

 

Why has this suddenly happened now?

 

It is because my marriage is in a huge rut, and so is his. We were both too busy with our weddings, me moving far away, his children being born, etc. Now things have settled down for both of us on the home front and we are being drawn to each other because of a lack of intimacy at home.

 

 

I hear you re the sexual compatibility, but were you truly compatible in other ways...and if so, why did you split up in the first place?

 

We were very compatible, but not on the same "life" page. He was in a big transitional period--starting a new career, trying to finish his degree at the same time--and I think our relationship complicated things for him. However, he still held on because we were so passionately in love, had great sex all the time, liked to do the same things, and could communicate. We were into each other on so many levels, but he wasn't in a financial position to get married being the low man on the totem pole at work with his new career. When he got married, he was in pretty much the same situation, and he and his wife are still struggling.

 

 

If you manage to stab this other woman in the back, what does that mean about you - and what does it mean about her? Would it mean, in your eyes, that you are more attractive/loveable/special than she is? Would it serve some sort of purpose, in your mind, for her to find out? Let's say you did what you're planning to do, she found out about it and slipped into a depression. Would that be a positive outcome for you?

 

I have to be honest and say that I don't give one crap about her feelings. If it wouldn't screw up my life so badly, I would make sure she found out and rub it in her face as much as I could. As bad as that sounds, it is human nature to feel this way towards someone who you believe has wronged you. I know he is responsible for half of it, but she was jealous of my continued presence in his life (indirectly, through mutual acquaintances), and I suspect she relished the fact that she had taken my place.

 

 

 

Somehow, you need to be able to look beyond this muddle of emotion and anger, and consider what the practical outcomes you're hoping for are. I think it would be easier to answer that if you could clarify why you want it. At the moment, you're just talking about a combination of negative emotions, sexual frustration and what sounds like some degree of nostalgia. Again...try to put the emotional stuff to one side for a moment and consider what outcomes you'd like to see arising from you having an affair with this guy.

 

I do not see any long-term, positive outcomes from having an affair with my ex. I have been trying to justify it in many ways, and there are too many holes in my plan. If we go through with it, things will eventually fizzle between us, and I will just be right back where I started in the first place, only worse for the wear and feeling guilty as hell. On the other hand, if my husband weren't in the picture, I wouldn't hesitate to do it.

 

 

 

What if that turns out to be true? What would be the next step then? And if it transpires that you're mistaken...ie that in the 9 years you've been apart, things have changed and you no longer satisfy eachother? What if he were to one day tell you "Look - I do love my wife. I haven't been entirely honest with you. I kept you on hold all those years because you and I had a hot sexual thing together, but the truth is that I never saw myself actually being with you on a permanent basis. I didn't think you were the kind of person I could be happy with."

 

Are you saying that sometimes it's just better not knowing? I think if he actually came out and said something like that to me, I would be able to finally get over him and move on because I would have to accept the truth. I would deserve it and wouldn't have anyone to blame but myself for being a stupid woman falling for a man's line of B.S.

 

 

 

What then? Sometimes, just sometimes, star crossed lovers really aren't that compatible underneath all the drama that creates strong emotion.

 

So true.

 

 

 

I think your emotions sound very chaotic. That you've pinned all sorts of fantasies onto this guy, and are taking pains to perceive every aspect of this situation in a way that supports those fantasies. I think you need to talk to someone you trust about this. Someone who's on your side, but who's responsible enough to challenge your thinking on this matter. Right now, you're presenting as "fact" all sorts of assumptions that can't be proved or disproved. That alone indicates that you're not thinking about this on anything close to an emotionally intelligent manner.

 

Like I said in another reply, my justifications just don't seem to stand. I wish I could talk to someone personally about this, like a good friend, but I don't believe I have a friend who would not judge me. That is why I am turning to this anonymous forum for help, because at least if I am judged harshly by people here it wouldn't hurt like it would if the judgement came from a friend.

[lindya]

Are you saying that sometimes it's just better not knowing? I think if he actually came out and said something like that to me, I would be able to finally get over him and move on because I would have to accept the truth. I would deserve it and wouldn't have anyone to blame but myself for being a stupid woman falling for a man's line of B.S.

 

The trouble is that people don't tend to tell others these things until they're done with them. Sometimes they might not feel or know those things until that point is reached.

 

lindya, we broke up because I realized he was a commitment and communication-phobe, a control freak, and had archaic ideas about gender roles in relationships. He thought it was the "man's place" to bring up marriage, and when I brought up the subject--after being together for almost three years and I was 30 and he was 31--I guess I took the wind out of his sails. His answer was, "If I tell you now that I think our relationship is headed in the direction of marriage, you'll just be waiting for me to give you a ring." I'll never forget that. Besides, I was always put on the back burner behind work/school/family/etc.

 

So he was a control freak, and he never quite got to control you. Perhaps you're unfinished business. The problem that can arise, when a man considers a particular woman to be "unfinished business" is that his feelings can be underscored with a certain amount of resentment....eg for times he has perceived her as having rejected him.

 

That's one of the reasons my heart always sinks a bit when I hear of people getting back with their exes. Every break up leaves a bit of baggage, and returning to the person who helped load that baggage onto you generally seems to do more harm than good in the long term. The hooks tend to be familiarity (and the sense of security that brings), and some nostalgia-related excitement. The drawbacks are that the emotions an ex elicits are often - if you look at them closely - mainly negative. Here, you've talked about jealousy, revenge, feelings of having been hurt and wanting to get some sense of justice for that having happened.

 

Anyway, I hope this comes across as the discussion it's intended to be rather than lecturing. Your responses in this thread suggest to me that once you wrote your post, you read over it and perhaps came to a few conclusions on your own. Conclusions that have maybe been confirmed by other people's opinions.

 

Good luck with the marriage thread, I'll look out for it. I hope you can start to bring about some improvements there...and in any event, whatever decisions you make regarding your marriage, they're bound to give your life more of a sense of progress than getting involved with an old boyfriend would.

[britchick]

I know this is the OM/OW forum but.......

 

Why have you got such a problem with your ex's wife???

You two had split up, they met, got married and have children. How it happened is their business, for them to work out between themselves. If he is such a nice guy and always does the right thing - why is he considering an affair with you. People get married everyday for all sorts of reasons, always have and always will. Sometimes marriages work and sometimes they don't, it's hard enough without having someone in the background offering themselves to your husband. IMHO you need to take a long hard look at yourself, and think about why you want to destroy someone's life (not to mention their kids)? I can understand that you are unhappy in your marriage and you see this man as the one that got away - that isn't his wife's fault, you need to sort out your relationship.

Your hatred for her is colouring your view of their relationship and is seriously affecting your judgement. If one of your husbands ex's had come up to you and said, he will always love me, what would your reaction have been? I know what mine would be. Try putting yourself in her position, just for a moment........

[bittersweetheart]

I just want to thank everyone who offered some valuable support and feedback regarding my situation, helping me to make a decision.

 

I have always had to be strong in the face of everything that has happened between my ex and I since we broke up, and I guess this is another time I need to be strong. I need to rescind my offer of an affair with him and forget about the past.

 

Subsequently, I need to focus my energy on working on my marriage and the problems that exist at home. I hope my husband will allow us to work things out, but if he continues to push me away like he has been for so long, I realize I have to leave him, to move on.

 

I will be submitting my next post in another forum geared towards problems existing within the marriage and how to deal with them.

 

Thank you all again--you've been inspiring!

[bittersweetheart]

I e-mailed the ex today and called the whole thing off. I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders! Thank you all so much for helping me to see reason with your advice. It really was so helpful.

 

In a nutshell, I told him that I owe it to my husband, and to myself, to do whatever I can to try and save our marriage. If I do, and I succeed, then I will be a very happy person. If I do, and I fail, then I can tell myself that at least I did my best and tried to do the right thing.

 

I haven't received a response yet from the ex, but I am sure he's not happy about it. As well as telling him that I owe it to my marriage to try to save it, and that my husband doesn't deserve to be deceived, I told him that maybe he should examine his own marriage and try to do the same, or do his wife a favor and leave her. I will keep you posted on what he says.

 

In the meantime, my husband and I had a long discussion today and addressed many of the issues that are causing problems in our marriage. He now knows he has been neglecting me too much, and we have made a plan to rectify the situation. Wish us luck.

[movinon05]

Now this is the right way to do it! Good luck to you.