basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I heard through the grapevine that some where wondering where I've been. Well since my moderated status was lifted over a week ago I've had several events take place that flipped me in a little tailspin. As of last night I had my little epiphany and feel clear headed again. Events: Charlie came back again and asked me for a second chance. (I think this is the 2nd time). I did speak to him and I pondered on it because he was really talking the talk and explaining things to me and telling me that he was wrong for being unfair to me. He admitted that he purposely held back affection from me and that he knew it was wrong. He said he needed time to get over Kim and with me there made it hard. He said he just snapped out of it and now he loves me and wants me. He wants me back in his life and he promised to give me the things I needed before. Only I didn't trust his words. His actions spoke soo loud for so long. The last time Charlie and I talked I told him I have been in contact more with TCK and that we spent intimate time together. He was very upset about that. He stated that he could never trust me again, and that he couldn't be with me again because he would never feel the same way about me because I had been with another man. I didn't tell him I wanted to get back together. He assumed I would.. We hung-up and I thought that would be the last time I would hear from him because of the things he said. TCK and I have gotten much closer and he has opened up to me so much more. He has been admitting his wants with me and I've been very happy with the time I've spent with him in the past month. He gives me plenty of space and room for myself. Our friendship is a rock for me. I am seeing that he and I may be able to build slowly what we started 1 1/2 years ago. But slowly. With him opening up and me not being so needy we might finally have more balance. So as I was settling into that comfort-Charlie calls and tells me he can forgive me for being with Tom so soon, He said he wants us to rebuild, He doesn't want to let go of me. He invited me out, he asked me to join him for his brothers 40 bday gathering, he wanted to purchase tickets for the Evanescence concert coming to town so we could attend it, he wanted him and I to attend a block party/street dance this week, etc. etc, he just started in on all these plans. When I didn't tell him yes or no. He assumed I would give him a second chance. He was baiting me. I met up with him to talk face to face to see how each of us would feel being in one another company and it was odd. He was touchy and gave lots of eye contact. He even drove me into the yard of a huge house he is thinking about buying that is absolutely beautiful, all slate brickwork on the outside, sits atop a hill with trees all around. patio, garage, etc. He was really baiting me with things....!!! He started to tell me that I HAVE TO get TCK out of my life. I have to cut all ties with him and go NO CONTACT with him for good if I wanted a second chance. I told him that I was sorting myself out. I reminded him that I was seeing a counselor that I am on SJW to help with the anxiety and to clear my head from the racing. I said I didn't know what I was going to do. I told him I needed time to figure things out and get my life on path. He told me to not make him wait to long. That ticked me off and I glared at him and sternly told him not to push me, or tell me what I have to do. I told him I waited for 6 months for him and this has only been a few days since we talked and seen each other and now he wants me to hurry up and heal and make a decision what I want to do.. He!! NO... For 3 days I was confused and angry. Last night I realized he was baiting me, He was attempting to control me. He was telling me that I had to remove TCK out of my life. I don't think so..... I can see clearly that Charlie will be controlling, manipulative, he will never trust me, he will exhaust me mentally, physically and emotionally.. I don't want that in my life. Yes, all the material things he could give me and an exciting life of concerts, trips, material things, etc is nice but it won't make me happy. I will not remove TCK from my life so by Charlie's own submission he will remove himself from my life and I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.... Happily. Ever since Charlie contacted me and I accepted that contact, I've felt uneasy, upset, angry, irritated.. (Good wake-up call) I know he isn't good for my soul. Dealing with TCK has never left me feeling like THIS.. So my LS friends. I have been dealing with choices, conflicts, and working on me. I needed down time and space for myself. I still do. I thought I would give an update so y'all know whats going on.
superconductor Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 That's what happens when you break NC. It always puts you back to where you were immediately after the break-up. Just curious, padameckla. Why did you even agree to meet with him?
Author basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 That's what happens when you break NC. It always puts you back to where you were immediately after the break-up. Just curious, padameckla. Why did you even agree to meet with him? I was curious. When he and I got together he didn't have time to grieve the loss of his previous relationship. After being in NC for about a month and broken up for 3 months I was curious.. I don't agree with everyone's beliefs about NC being permanent. Sometimes it's necessary and other times I think its used as more of a 'taking a break'. I'm happy I allowed the contact because I got to really discover with my own resolution that he is controlling, manipulative and I needed to realize on my own that he makes me uneasy being with.. I am a person who needs to discover things herself. I like to get feedback and opinions from others so I have more knowledge to use but I have to draw my own conclusions. I am not a person others can order what to do and tell what to do. I'm nobodys trained dog. I learn as I go. My mother said I've always been a rebel of sorts... Always had to do things my way... Always had to get hurt in order to learn... Nothing has changed.. I'm stubborn, I have huge faith in people, I see good in everyone. So this is one of those times..
alphamale Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 PADA...your life is always a rollercoaster. I think you like it that way what's moderated status? that is where you've been bad and the mods approve all your posts before they appear on the board
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Pada, you decide what's best for you and don't let Charlie or TCK control what that is. Just because Charlie has decided NOW he wants you back on his terms, after all that has happened, he owes YOU the respect and the time to decide what you want. So, take that time and if he won't give you the space that you need, then he's a poop. Anyway, hang in there and just take things slowly.
Author basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 PADA...your life is always a rollercoaster. I think you like it that way Some excitement is fine but the last year or two has been hell. This roller coaster really needs to slow down. I'm getting sick.. I need to move to the country again!! Change my phone number.
blind_otter Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Change my phone number. I did this recently, last month. I got an unlisted number. I love it. And my new number is really cool.
Author basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Pada, you decide what's best for you and don't let Charlie or TCK control what that is. Just because Charlie has decided NOW he wants you back on his terms, after all that has happened, he owes YOU the respect and the time to decide what you want. So, take that time and if he won't give you the space that you need, then he's a poop. Anyway, hang in there and just take things slowly. I already made up my mind... I already figured it out again... Charlie makes me uneasy. He upsets me and disturbs my peace of self being. He is controlling and manipulative. He has good qualities but I can't live with the way that he is now. As for TCK. he has never given me ulitmatums. He has never told me what to do. He has never manipulated me (guilted me) into something he wanted. TCK wants me to grow. He is hard on me when I'm being immature and reckless. He believes in free-will and free-spirits. He believes we all have to make our mistakes and learn from them. We shouldn't try control the outcome of someone else; only the part of ourselves. He has always allowed me my space and given me the freedom to make my own choices. Charlie isn't doing that He is trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants me to do. Push me into a corner.. All his way or nothing.. No way.. I don't need another controlling man in my life. I've had enough of them.. Let me be me.. I'm an adult. Trust me to make choices for myself. I don't need someone to feed me anymore. I'm not a baby. If I want advice I ask for it.
alphamale Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 And my new number is really cool. just dial 69-OTTER
superconductor Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I'm happy I allowed the contact because I got to really discover with my own resolution that he is controlling, manipulative and I needed to realize on my own that he makes me uneasy being with. You already knew that. Your previous posts make that abundantly clear. Charlie wants the partnership of the relationship but he isn't affectionate or have interpersonal commincation skills. All he wants to do is drive his Harley, drink beer and sit in bars/clubs at night. Dating him is not a good thing for me.. He isn't healthy for me. He isn't balanced for me. I have made it clear to him I am no longer his and he shouldn't have any expectations of him and I. He will never give me what I want or need in a relationship.. I have been I told him he was starting to suffocate me, and no one orders me around. I told him he has no right to tell me what I can and cannot do, who I can and cannot talk too. who I can and cannot be friends with. I told him I am not a dog that he can order around. I am not trainable anymore. I am free, I am independant and I won't let a man control me again. This man is addicted to DRAMA... He didn't find himself interested in me strongly until he didn't have me and realized it. He isn't stable.. He flips from one to another way to easily. Neither him nor I are in good places to form a relationship at this time. Especially with each other.. I miss the attention and I wonder if he was genuine.. I need to hold tight to my NC.. I need to allow this to ride out.. I can't allow myself to be treated the way he did. He began to give me orders and demanded that I was going to go out with him. He said I was acting like I had done something, He said the tone of my voice, the choice of my words and my attitude told him I was lying. I told him I wasn't lying about anything I just wasn't talking about anything. He pushed and pushed and pushed and started to accuse me of cheating. Charlie played games with me. (which I already knew.) So, given the fact that you already knew what this Charlie fellow was like, and you had already discovered it for yoursef, why then did you want to meet him and break NC?
alphamale Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 So, given the fact that you already knew what this Charlie fellow was like, and you had already discovered it for yoursef, why then did you want to meet him and break NC? because many women like men who treat them badly...
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 because many women like men who treat them badly... I do! :lmao: So are you in love with this Tom now...... before you had no men now 2 that offer things to you. I would take the big house guy Don't get back with him though until the house is closed on.
Author basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 You already knew that. Your previous posts make that abundantly clear. So, given the fact that you already knew what this Charlie fellow was like, and you had already discovered it for yoursef, why then did you want to meet him and break NC? Clear to people on the outside looking in. Clear in words to me but not accepting and understanding it is cause. Just because you put food in front of someone will they know its food. I've seen food that doesn't even look like food. I had to discover and understand fully myself... Listening to what others said gave me things to compare in my searching... I've said things I've noticed but didn't really comprehend the understanding fully of what it is I noticed. It in the comprehension of the expression. I also see good in people and tend to focus on that. It is a survial skill I have used since I was a child, "ignor the bad and look at the good' 'focus on the good to block out the bad'. I chose to do this growing up with a angry, hateful, hurtful, neglectful father and also being an outcast in a small small town (POP. 230 people) with no real friends you learn to turn the other cheek to survive and fit in as best as you can. I'm an adult now and those survival skills at times still fall into play. 'ignor the bad and focus on the good'. Its classic behavior of a abused wife. I needed more influence to fully see reality.. This is where giving people space to learn after you give them instructions is beneficial. Allowing people to make mistakes allows them to grow from experience. We can't control other people. We can't force someone to understand what we see and know. Standing on the outside looking in sometimes is clearer then being on the inside trying to look around. I seek advice as possible pieces to a puzzle. I still need to do the work to put it together. Sometimes by making mistakes. Sometimes through trial and error. Sometimes having to start over and retrace my footsteps. Its all a part of learning and growing.
Author basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 So are you in love with this TCK now...... before you had no men now 2 that offer things to you. I would take the big house guy Don't get back with him though until the house is closed on. I've always had deep feelings for TCK. I never thought they were reciprocated. I'm beginning to think that maybe wrong. Don't know.... I'm just here doing my own thing. No rush. No push. I'm more in awe then anything with what has been said out of his mouth... TCK didn't and never has offered me anything. Only support, suggestions, advice, and comfort. As for the house. No thank you.. I dont want it. Its not worth it.
quankanne Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 After being in NC for about a month and broken up for 3 months I was curious … I'm happy I allowed the contact because I got to really discover with my own resolution that he is controlling, manipulative and I needed to realize on my own that he makes me uneasy being with.. it gives you the closure you need. Charlie sounds like a jerk, which you don't need mucking up your life, and you've seconded your opinion of him by seeing him one last time. lol ... kinda like screwing an old boyfriend to make sure he really WAS that bad in bed :p :p
Author basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 [it gives you the closure you need. Charlie sounds like a jerk, which you don't need mucking up your life, and you've seconded your opinion of him by seeing him one last time. lol ... kinda like screwing an old boyfriend to make sure he really WAS that bad in bed :p :p Yes, closure, reality check again to remove doubts of judgement. I don't need to check a second time if screwing was that bad.... If its bad you know it and don't forget it.. lolol.... SuperConductor----You really took a lot of energy and time to put all my comments together... Wow... Do you have that much time on your hands or do you really care!!?? I'm impressed.
quankanne Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I don't need to check a second time if screwing was that bad.... If its bad you know it and don't forget it.. lolol.... ugh – he was my first boyfriend/lover, and was convinced that he was good in the sack. Off I go to college and we break up ... and I gain experience. So, one last stab at it with him to see if it really was that bad, or just my lack of experience. nope ---> he sucked in bed. :p though, it's kind of funny how at one point years later he was all gooey over the fact that I had been a virgin and he was my first. I was tactful about that, didn't tell him what I thought of his skills. :lmao:
Author basscatcher Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 I don't need to check a second time if screwing was that bad.... If its bad you know it and don't forget it.. lolol.... ugh – he was my first boyfriend/lover, and was convinced that he was good in the sack. Off I go to college and we break up ... and I gain experience. So, one last stab at it with him to see if it really was that bad, or just my lack of experience. nope ---> he sucked in bed. :p though, it's kind of funny how at one point years later he was all gooey over the fact that I had been a virgin and he was my first. I was tactful about that, didn't tell him what I thought of his skills. :lmao: :lmao: Poor soul... Dang I'd hate to see his face when some chic comes along and drops the bomb on him. " Ummm, darling,, you know I like you but , hmmm could you please,,, move like this,,,??? can you do this,,, now do this..... yeah,, now more, more more.. NO fool,, Get it right .... yes, yes, What the he!! ?? ":lmao:
quankanne Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 oh no, more like, "Is that what the fuss was all about?" And I considered myself highly sexual, if inexperienced then. :lmao: the best part is remembering all the self-bragging he did and I didn't know better about sex. About how the women thought he was such a stud, and how his ex would make booty calls whenever she wanted hard-core sex, or how one lover used to say he was the best f**k she had because they came at the same time. I still have to laugh when i think about that, because he sucked so badly at it with me! :laugh: what a self-absorbed jackass!!!
Author basscatcher Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Surpise suprise. Last night I came home and Charlie left me a message on my answer machine. I really have to give him credit...for his attempt. He said : "Hi Pamela, this is Charlie from Together Dating. I got your match in the mail and I too am caring and sensitive. I'm a little crazy also but the jury is still out on that. I like what I seen and read and would like to meet you when your ready. We could meet up at the Backyard Grille when your ready. I look forward to meeting you. My number is xxx-xxxx when your ready" He took it to heart what my mother said about if he and I were to try again we would have to start over.... The only thing is I made up my mind... I will not remove TCK out of my life because he wants that. I will not give up someone who can calm me when I feel like I'm losing myself, who can help me find peace inside of myself with his words of support, who can guide me into possitve thinking, who is forgiving, understanding and compassionate. No man is going to tell me who I can have in my life. It is my choice how close or deep I allow people in. Its my freedom to choose my choices. I'm stable in my choice and I've made it final. I have to do what is good for me. Charlie has shown characteristics I don't like, I'm not comfortable with and won't tolerate. I can't go back and I can't start again. He needs to get himself straightened out before he is able to be balanced in a relationship and he has to start with understanding he can't give people ultimatums to get his way. He has to allow people to have their own free-will. He can only express his concerns and wants but thats it.
Becoming Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 So have you actually told Charlie all this? And told him it's over with you two? Or are you keeping that door open?
Author basscatcher Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 So have you actually told Charlie all this? And told him it's over with you two? Or are you keeping that door open? No I havent spoken to him yet about what I have chosen. We are not together and he knows this. He wants a second chance and he wants to give me a second chance. I'm not ready to deal with hearing his reaction over the phone yet. I need to prepare myself to handle his response. I do care about him but I know I can't be with him because I won't let go of TCK. It was Charlie ultimatum and I know for a fact I will not cut ties with TCK. My feelings for him and my relationship with him are stronger then they are for Charlie. I know this now. I know I have to tell Charlie my choice but I'm not emotionally ready for his reaction. I need to be stable not to feel so sorry for him that I play devils advocate because of my compassion for others. Waiting awhile is not a bad thing. I know it will be soon. I won't wait a long long time to tell him I won't cut ties with TCK. I cant be with Charlie with the way he is. He has shown character traits I can't deal with and refuse to tolerate.
superconductor Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I know I have to tell Charlie my choice... No, you don't. You have already made it abundantly clear to him why you and he are not going to be together. Keep up NC. Obviously, further contact with this dude is causing you more grief.
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