London Girl Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 My ex dumped me 8 months ago after going out for 2 years. However, we have been on and off since then including being FWB! Not something I'm happy or proud of but I love the guy. I recently asked him how he felt about us since it's been 8 months since we split and he said that it does not feel right, is confused, what's the point in trying again if the feeling is gone. I tell him that I will move on with my life, we tell each other we will miss each other, hugged, kissed etc. What I don't understand is, if he does not want to be with me then why does he say he gets nervous and excited when we meet, enjoys my company, calls me, is really attracted to me, tells me that it will be hard to find another girl as perfect as me, pays me lots of compliments .... I last saw him two weeks ago. Last week, he left me a message on my cell phone saying "just giving you a call, you are probably out with your fancy men, I'll give you a call at home later ..." but he never called me at home! I eventually called him 4 days later and we are meeting this weekend to go cycling. I'm so confused - what does he want? Any ideas please? I've tried so hard to let him go and move up but just cannot seem to shake him off. We both have not been with any other person since we split up.
Returning Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Cut out the FWB action, tactfully avoid close encounters, always be fully clothed when he calls, wear trousers and flat shoes if going out, ride behind him when cycling, avoid all the things that flick his switch and see how long he sticks around once he has got the message that you are out of bounds in that department. If he sticks around for a few months you can then rationaly discuss where you are going as a couple, tell himyou want a proper courtship, engagement and no sex before marriage.
Guest Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 It's called keeping you there just in case... as my friend said to me 'he's your security blanket'.... It's hard to let people go, especially ones that you enjoy spending time with, make you laugh, know you well etc etc etc... However it sounds like the relationship is all on his terms (another thing my friend said to me about my ex-bf) it's him calling the shots. You have to cut the strings.. If he really wants to be with you he will sort himself out and make the effort. If you cut the strings and he does not do this (and it's been 8 months) then you have your answer. Sorry my friend... tell him you can't do the FWB thing, tell him you can't deal with the friends thing and unless he gets his act together very quickly you are moving on with your life. Then he's clear about your feelings and you can move on.
Guest Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I agree with the last reply. I think that FWB confused alot of things. He deff digs you in THAT way... but see what happens when you stop giving it up (sorry to be so blunt). You'll probably see he'll stop wanting to hang around and if he does at least then you guy will actually be friends. I would just say move on and find someone that is totally into you and hasn't lost that "feeling" towards you. Why waste anymore time with this guy unless you are enjoying the fwb, but the most important things about fwb is not mixing business w/pleasure (if you know what I mean).. and I think that may be the case here.
sad-in-seattle Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I agree with the last reply. I think that FWB confused alot of things. He deff digs you in THAT way... but see what happens when you stop giving it up (sorry to be so blunt). You'll probably see he'll stop wanting to hang around and if he does at least then you guy will actually be friends. I would just say move on and find someone that is totally into you and hasn't lost that "feeling" towards you. Why waste anymore time with this guy unless you are enjoying the fwb, but the most important things about fwb is not mixing business w/pleasure (if you know what I mean).. and I think that may be the case here.
daphne Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 For whatever reason, he doesn't see you as the one or he wouldn't be stringing you along just in case nothing else better comes along. Cut the chord. You'll be really glad you did when you meet someone who does think you fit the picture of what they wanted in a girl.
Author London Girl Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Thanks for your replies everyone. All the pain, heartbreak, tears and mixed signals have emotionally drained me. I know I am much better than what I was - I guess time does heal the pain. Of course, I'm not completely over him and I think seeing him is not doing me any good, but I'm trying to weane myself off him. No contact is the way to go. Infact we did have no contact for 9 weeks but when I reinitiated contact to arrange to pick up my things from his house, since then we have been meeting up again as FWB! I do not want to continue like this. I got to the stage where in my mind I have given up on my ex and I think my ex knows that too - perhaps that's why he is calling me now and then. I cannot make him want to be with me - simple as that and if he cannot realise that I'm a good catch then that's his loss! I'm tired of sounding all chirpy and trying to make jokes when he calls me when deep down I am still hurting. I'm going to leave him be and move on with my life. I just have to keep saying to myself that he does not deserve me and good luck to him if he feels that he can find someone better!
agoraphobia Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Thanks for your replies everyone. All the pain, heartbreak, tears and mixed signals have emotionally drained me. I know I am much better than what I was - I guess time does heal the pain. Of course, I'm not completely over him and I think seeing him is not doing me any good, but I'm trying to weane myself off him. No contact is the way to go. Infact we did have no contact for 9 weeks but when I reinitiated contact to arrange to pick up my things from his house, since then we have been meeting up again as FWB! I do not want to continue like this. I got to the stage where in my mind I have given up on my ex and I think my ex knows that too - perhaps that's why he is calling me now and then. I cannot make him want to be with me - simple as that and if he cannot realise that I'm a good catch then that's his loss! I'm tired of sounding all chirpy and trying to make jokes when he calls me when deep down I am still hurting. I'm going to leave him be and move on with my life. I just have to keep saying to myself that he does not deserve me and good luck to him if he feels that he can find someone better! you go girl!. You know he's not going to turn down sex and he's going to say whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep the FWB going, so don't let it fool you.
swirly27 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 London Girl - One thing to keep in the back of your mind too is this - you will be so much stronger and have learned more when all of this is said and done. One thing to remember is whatever person is in the situation or the 'role' that he is - where you're the hurt one wanting him back and he is not - he needs to figure that out for himself and the ONLY that ever happens, if it ever does, is when alot of time has gone by and they have grown or learned more about themselves. You two may never get back together again, but doing the FWB is doing nothing but loweing your self esteem and giving him what he wants with no strings - now by all means, if you enjoy FWB with no hurt feelings, some people can do that, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. NC is hard, but I hear when you say you don't want to have to sound chirpy when you talk to him when you still are hurting....so cut that part out of your life, be how you feel but work on feeling better, for yourself. Keep busy and hang with friends, learn new things, meet new people. I am telling myself the same thing. It'll get better.
Author London Girl Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Thanks guys. I have a few friends also who are going through the same thing, their men cannot commit, don't want a serious relationship, giving them mixed signals, say they got hurt once, dont' want to get hurt again (jeez, what will they do, grow old and lonely if they are so afraid to commit!). And these guys are in their 30s! My bloke said he wanted someone who is fun and outgoing, something that apparently I lost because I was working long hours to pay off some debt - does he think a good relationship is based on just being carefree, happy all the time, fun and nothing else? He is such a selfish prat and deluded if he thinks he can find the "so called perfect girl" which he said I was once but then I was not as outgoing and bubbly like I was when he first met me! So immature. I give up! Enough of the mind games. My brain was not designed to figure out what I did wrong or how to mend the relationship or analyze everything he says. He cannot even admit that he's has faults himself - everything else is something else's fault! I cooked and cleaned for this guy, took him on holidays, entertained his friends and family, remained faithful, made him laugh, gave him presents, supported him, gave him a good sex life .... now if he feels he can find someone better than I wish him well.
swirly27 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 The worst part when we go thru situations like these is everyone is a good person, normally. There are exceptions, haha, but even the people that treat others crappy, they have issues and need to work them out, so everyone is a work in progress. In my issue, the guy I was dating came on full force and seemed to want things to go somewhere and when he backed off, put the blame on me that I wanted more than he....complete BS. But, thats his issue. I have felt like I overreacted or what did I do wrong, but I didn't do anything wrong....and I am starting to learn that to him, neither did he......but one day hopefully he'll grow and look back on how he acted and grow up a bit and realize, even if in his head, that he handled things wrong. Mistakes can be blessings if we learn from them. Your beau needs to learn that no relationship is EVER going to stay carefree and fun. It takes the good with the bad and sometimes the ugly and thats how you know what you guys are made of. It can't always be happy jolly joy and if he thinks he can, he's dilusional. Dating and relationships are hard and with each one, it can be harder sometimes. But we learn from every experience. Just like now you can learn from this, even any mistakes you may have made, and grow from them. You only gain knowledge by learning sometimes the hard way...so you can say "I've been there, done that, learned from it". Sucks doesn't it.
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