I love you? or not a good time?

[Rachel]

Well, the guy I have been dating for 8 months, has still NOT told me he loves me. That really scares me because I don't want to be emotionally invested in this relationship than him.... that's how it was in my last relationsip.

 

We talked about 2 months ago, and he said he was crazy about me, and trying to tune into his true feelings. And that we would talk soon.

 

So, we are leaving for vacation next week. We still haven't talked about our relationship yet.

 

My fear is this wonderful vacation we've planned. I would like to tell him how I feel(I haven't told him I love him, but I want to), BEFORE the trip, but if he doesn't re-ciprocate I feel like I'll be hurt.

 

On the other hand, I dont' want us to take this long trip without knowing where we stand with eachother.

 

ISN'T IT FAIR THAT I SHOULD KNOW WHERE WE STAND WITH EACHOTHER, BEFORE WE LEAVE?

 

Isn't 8 months long enough to know how you feel about someone?

 

Please help, lots of opinions would be soooooo helpful. I'm trying not to HOLD back emotions, but I dont' want to be hurt either.

[midori]

I think that you ought to be guided by how you feel & what you need. You know your feelings and you feel the need to communicate. You're wondering why your guy doesn't feel the same need, but that's beyond your knowing (or ours). You should say what you feel compelled to say. Don't hold yourself back because you fear you won't get the reciprocal response you're counting on. If this is eating you up (and I think it would bother me in your shoes) you need to do what YOU can to remedy the situation. What you can do is express yourself.

 

If you don't initiate this conversation you'll be tying yourself in knots throughout the holiday (as you are now) wondering how-what-why. Which would't be much fun, would it? You've reached the point where you need to have this discussion. Your boyfriend hasn't reached that point yet. Rather than trying to read into that -- wondering what that says about his feelings for you -- it seems to me like you should just accept the fact that, having arrived at that point first, you have an obligation (to yourself) to initiate the conversation. Biting your tongue to avert hearing something you won't like won't do anything to make the thing not true. That's the ostrich approach. Just be brave and break the ice on this. You might be pleasantly surprised -- I hope you will. Either way at least you'll know.

 

Good luck!

[Tony T]

1. "ISN'T IT FAIR THAT I SHOULD KNOW WHERE WE STAND WITH EACHOTHER, BEFORE WE LEAVE?"

 

This doesn't have anything at all to do with fairness, don't ever "should" on yourself or anybody else, and knowing where you stand would be very nice.

 

By implication, right now he's not sure where you stand with him because he hasn't told you he loves you.

 

We seem to be having a rush of people today who want to be told by their partner that they love them. Maybe it's a planetary allignment thing.

 

At any rate, what you know before or after you leave is immaterial. You made the committment to go with him and you did not make his feelings relevant to your going on the trip.

 

However, I do think it would be very nice if you got up to date on his feelings. I also don't think it would be an awful thing for you to tell him you love him. You need to find out if that scares him. If it does, yeppers, you don't need to become more invested in this.

 

On the outside chance you may not like or may be confused by what he says are his feelings for you, why don't you just enjoy the trip and talk to him at the airport when you get back.

 

Eight months has nothing to do with it. He could be in love with you already and not realize it, it could take him one more day, one year, or maybe it'll never happen. Everybody falls...or doesn't fall...at their own individual speed. If he's not fast enough for you, go find somebody else.

 

But, by all means, have a talk with him. He needs to know you're not around just for a good time...that you want some stronger emotional and spiritual components of this relationship as well.

 

2. "Isn't 8 months long enough to know how you feel about someone?"

 

For some people, a week is long enough. Other people take two or three years. Some people don't realize just how much another means to them until the other person has left out of frustration. Those are the saddest situations.

 

There are NO time formulas when you're talking about love.

[Rachel]

I appreciate your advice. I will wait until after the trip. You're right about his response may disappoint or confuse me, during the trip if I dont' get the response I am hoping for.

[Rachel]

Midori!

 

Thank you. Once again , you have very eloquently stated your point of view.

 

After reading yours and Tony's responses, I believe I will wait till after the trip, because I feel like I don't want to set myself up for confusion or disppointment. However, I think I will tell him I would like for us to talk about our feelings more often.... and leave it at that for now.

 

Have a great weekend.

I think that you ought to be guided by how you feel & what you need. You know your feelings and you feel the need to communicate. You're wondering why your guy doesn't feel the same need, but that's beyond your knowing (or ours). You should say what you feel compelled to say. Don't hold yourself back because you fear you won't get the reciprocal response you're counting on. If this is eating you up (and I think it would bother me in your shoes) you need to do what YOU can to remedy the situation. What you can do is express yourself.

 

If you don't initiate this conversation you'll be tying yourself in knots throughout the holiday (as you are now) wondering how-what-why. Which would't be much fun, would it? You've reached the point where you need to have this discussion. Your boyfriend hasn't reached that point yet. Rather than trying to read into that -- wondering what that says about his feelings for you -- it seems to me like you should just accept the fact that, having arrived at that point first, you have an obligation (to yourself) to initiate the conversation. Biting your tongue to avert hearing something you won't like won't do anything to make the thing not true. That's the ostrich approach. Just be brave and break the ice on this. You might be pleasantly surprised -- I hope you will. Either way at least you'll know. Good luck!

[Ed]

Love is a wonderful thing. It is one of the most (if not the most) enjoyable feelings available to all humans.

 

Love is good! But love is just one of many other emotions all humans are capable of feeling. What confuses people the most is that love can be felt in combination with other, less desirable feelings, like fear, anger, rejection or sorrow. That often leads people to believe that love, which is wonderful, INCLUDES other feelings that are horrible. That's just not the case, it's just the association we commonly make. This is why most people are so reluctant about love.

 

Love should be happily and freely felt for and given to whomever you deem worthy. Each and every one of us has an unlimited capacity for love. It is not something that you have to conserve for fear that you may run out one day. It just doesn't work that way. I am not advising or suggesting that you go around loving everything and everybody, but you can't loose something that is inside you and that you have an unlimited supply of! Certainly, be judicious with love. Don't keep investing in something or someone that is headed in the wrong direction, but anyone who has given or offered love to another is all the better for it in the long run.

 

You love this guy. The way I see it, that is a good thing. If you can look at this as a good thing too and not go at it with high expectations or the demand that he tell you he loves you too, then tell him. If you can't approach it in this way, then it is not the right time. Don't give away something you expect to be paid back for. If you do, you will only be hurt and bitter about it in the end.

 

Decide right now that for the rest of your life you will not pin your happiness to other people's feelings about you. If you can do that, not only will this upcoming trip be enjoyable and exciting, the rest of life will be too.

 

Ed

 

The course of free love never runs smooth. I suppose we have all tried it.

 

- Mark Twain

Well, the guy I have been dating for 8 months, has still NOT told me he loves me. That really scares me because I don't want to be emotionally invested in this relationship than him.... that's how it was in my last relationsip. We talked about 2 months ago, and he said he was crazy about me, and trying to tune into his true feelings. And that we would talk soon.

 

So, we are leaving for vacation next week. We still haven't talked about our relationship yet. My fear is this wonderful vacation we've planned. I would like to tell him how I feel(I haven't told him I love him, but I want to), BEFORE the trip, but if he doesn't re-ciprocate I feel like I'll be hurt. On the other hand, I dont' want us to take this long trip without knowing where we stand with eachother. ISN'T IT FAIR THAT I SHOULD KNOW WHERE WE STAND WITH EACHOTHER, BEFORE WE LEAVE? Isn't 8 months long enough to know how you feel about someone? Please help, lots of opinions would be soooooo helpful. I'm trying not to HOLD back emotions, but I dont' want to be hurt either.