robkris8079 Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 My wife left me. I read all the posts here. I know I have to take care of me first. I go to the gym now and lost a ton of weight. I go out on weekends to the bars and clubs with my brother but I have the hardest time interacting with anyone. My wife and I were together so long that I seem lost. I really want to meet new people. And maybe touch base with some old friends. I am actually tired of talking to people about my situation and want to hear about other peoples problems, hopes, desires.I hear people talking about online dating sites but I don't know if I'm ready to date. Plus who is going to want to date a married man with a child (my daughter lives with me). Especially since I am only 25. Anyone have any suggestions for me? Please don't suggest myspace because that is what got me in this situation in the first place. That dam site and my wifes inability to let go of the past. Right now I have a page up there as does my wife. She actually set mine up. I am trying to avoid that place like the plague. If anyone wants to put a face to my posts check it out www.myspace/robkris8079. If this is in the wrong section please move. I am new here and didn't check out all the other forums available.
superconductor Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I'm not sure of the details of your situation - did someone cheat? how long has it been since the split? how long you were together? how old is your daughter? etc. - so any sort of "one-size-fits-all" counsel probably won't have much validity. There are some things, though, that you can do to help you get yourself through this process:Understand that it is a process. There won't be some magical day when you awaken to find that everything is magically OK. Some days will be better than othes. Expect that;Bars, clubs and the like are probably the worst place to meet people. Almost everyone's drinking, the music is too loud, you're in competition with the "players" and the "attention-whores" (both male and female);There are a lot of positives to being single. There's a thread here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96668/ - which, although somewhat tongue-in-cheek, outlines some of the positive nature of singlehood;Take time to grieve, but limit it. It's perfectly natural and healthy to feel lousy about your experience. It's not natural and healthy, however, to dwell on it so much that it ruins the rest of your life.Keep us posted. We're here to help.
dgiirl Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 First and foremost, get rid of any negative thoughts. There are a lot of people who will want to date you with or without a child. Yes, you will run into some people who are picky and who cannot handle this or that situation, but there are plenty of others who can. Focus on the people who can How long have you two been separated? Is there any progress being made on the divorce papers? I dont think dating right now will be good for you. You still have a lot of things to work out, a lot of emotions to let out, and getting mixed up in another relationship will just mess with your head. Relationships are hard work, even when you're in a healthy frame of mind, let alone when your going through a divorce. So dont worry about dating any time soon. However, you ARE doing the right things. Getting out, and meeting new people. You dont necessarily need to meet girls to hook up with. You can meet guys or girls and make new friends! One thing that helped me tremendously is making new friends. These people only knew me as a single me. They didnt know me as asshat's wife. And they got to know me, and they liked me for me! This totally boosted my self esteem. Of all places, I dont recommend myspace! Why not get out of the house one night a week and take a class or something. Anyways, I think you're doing all the right things. Just keep doing it, no matter how tired you get! Everyone says in time you will heal. There is truth to that, but you need to keep actively working at it too. You got one part of the equation, just let time do the rest.
Author robkris8079 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 my wife and I have only been seperated for a month. There isn't any divorce papers yet on my part. I don't know what action she has taken. It has been mentioned a few times during our conversations but thats it. Basically my lawyer said let her file. He told me as long as she is giving the money to me for the child and I am not planning on getting married again right away then there is no reason to file. I know a month is not a long time. I understand the grieving process but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Like I stated above I am not really interested in dating right now. I would be acting as selfish as my wife if I dragged some poor girl in on my crazy life right now. I don't care if they are male or female I just need some new friends.
December2004 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Unfortunately, I think the only way to do it is TO DO IT! If you are not ready, don't force it. You are very young (coming from and old lady of 40) and MANY women----worth your time women---will want a relationship with your little one. Slow and steady wins the race!! Many Blessings to you and your kiddo!! Michelle
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 About how to go about guiding you in what your talking about. The best one that I've come across is "Letting Go" by Dr. Zev Warner and Tracy Cabot, Ph.D Its a paperback. Get and stay busy. Now is the time to take on all those projects you've been putting off, take up those hobbies you've not had time for. Get a liabrary card ~ and start doing some serious reading ~ and learning. You, like I didn't have 25% of the skill set you needed to be married in the first place.
no1really Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 iam going through the same sort of thing,we where together for 14yr and got 13yr daughter iam happy not to look for someone but my ex has found someone within 2 months i think this is true "getting mixed up in another relationship will just mess with your head" and this why she doesn’t look at me or talk to me no more. plus he looks like me, even our daughter has said this and some friends that have seen him
Author robkris8079 Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Again I am not looking to get into a relationship. That is not something I want. Yes we were very young when we married. It seems as if though I matured in the relationship and tried to make things work. But she got stuck on past things. Not to say I didn't do stupid things. Because if you ask my wife right now I am sure she has a head full of them. Everyone says to stay busy. This is what I want to know about. They say do things you've always wanted to do. I am going out, to the gym, and other stuff. But it seems like there is so much more time now and not enough to do. Ironic because a month ago I was just saying there was so much to do and not enough time. I have several projects with the works. So I guess I will focus on them. If you have any suggestions on staying busy let me know. I want to hear all of them. What did all of you do? It has to be cost effective to since I am on a limited budget now.
iron_m Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Hi there: As some have read, my wife said she wanted divorce and left some 3 months ago. My 7 y.o. daughter stayed with me. I was lost and overwhelmed. I am doing much better What helped me the most was: 1. Regaining contact with old friends (at the distance, I am from abroad). 2. Making new friends out of aquantainces. 3. Less contact with common friends. These people may have had the best of the intentions but they took sides right away and that didn't help at all. 4. Doing more outdoor activities with my daugther, just the two of us. 5. Learning to be alone. The weekends that my little girls is with her mom, I tried to do things on my own: go to the swimming pool, to the bookstore, fishing, etc. While doing this, I talked to (unknown) people I came across. just about anything. 6. Picked up a new hobby. 7. I took a short trip (taking advantage of an academic activity). Once I started feeling better I started to host some meetings at my house, going out with friends... basically I have been feeling much better day to day for the past month or so. I am in no hurry to date, but open to any chance I may come across.
Author robkris8079 Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Thank you. That is exactly what I was looking for. I love the ideas.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Of falling back into your life. Getting busy and staying busy from the time you get up until you've got to go to bed. Cleaing out closets, sheds, garages. Going over to see friends. Going to musems Going to the library Going to the park Going to the beach Taking a class Taking up a hobby Becoming super - organized Taking up bkie riding ~ running ~ both (Get out and rub some sunshine on your face ~ change of scenery Volunteering Going to church Building models Help a friend with a household project Help a family member with a household project Listening to music that pumps you up and makes you motivated Becoming absorded with work Voluteering for special projects at work Taking up photography (You don't need a 30,000 camera) Going to sporting events, High School football, etc cheap and fun. (Great place to meet other single parents ~ especially sporting events for elementary children) Learn about NASCAR ~ great way to make new friends Hunting season is close at hand Learn how to really cook. Learn how to work on cars. Go to the beach Go to the lake Go camping I really like the library ~ they've got books, movies, DVD's, books on tape.
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