Guest Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Hi everyone, I was wondering if you could advise me. My ex broke up with me over two years ago. He was my first love- I was devastated and ended up depressed, I was so in love with him and couldn't figure out what had gone wrong or why he'd ended it. He would try and get me back everytime he saw me out, and call me in the middle of the night wanting to talk, and stupidly I let it happen. We would get back together only for him to change his mind again and I'd just get more and more hurt. I only discovered his reasons for breaking up with me long after the actual event: he was insecure, thought I was too good for him and obsessed with the fact I'd find someone else and leave him. He couldn't cope any more and ended it, rather than face losing me. But, because he still loved me so much he still wanted to be with me and would try to get back together with me, only to end it again because he was so insecure. I had no idea he felt like this because he never talked about it, and when I found out it broke my heart, because if he'd just explained how he was feeling I could have reassured him that I'd never have left him. The break up was long and drawn out, neither of us could let go- we only ended it once and for all about 13 months ago when I moved away to come back home from uni. I haven't seen him since then and haven't initiated any contact- it hurt me too much. I know he took it worse than me in the end because he was still texting me months afterwards asking if there was any hope for us getting back together, telling me he'd changed and that losing me was the stupidest thing he'd ever done- I would reply, but only to tell him it wouldn't work and to stop texting me these things as they were hurting me and upsetting me too much. Eventually, he got the message and stopped texting- I've not heard from him in almost six months now. I still think about my first love, even though I have seen someone else since splitting with him (I'm not seeing them anymore). I know we can't get back together. I know it's for the best. I know too much has happened for us to be friends and that's fine, but it'd just be nice to know he's alright and to hear from him again. Maybe that's just stupid. But, I still care and I hope he's happy, and I wonder about him and hope he's ok. Anyway, recently a friend of mine went back to uni and bumped into him, she said he seemed good and was doing well. It's his birthday next week and I'd like to text him and wish him a good day and see how he is. Maybe enough time has passed for him to be okay about hearing from me? I would be fine if he decided not to reply, after all, he may have changed his number by now, or he may find it too hard to reply- that's fine too, I know what that's like. Or maybe I'm being selfish and hearing from me will mess him up again? Or maybe I should just believe that my friend's impression that he was doing ok is enough and leave him be? What do you think?
sad-in-seattle Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I would leave it be. Sounds like a complicated situation and you don't want to stir anything up agian. Let sleeping dogs lie.
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 NO don't do it.... read the other posts about what happens when you send an email, text,..................... not good.
lebowski24 Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Personally, I think she has good intentions, and for crying out loud, it's been over a year since they talked! If you think it would be nice to wish him a happy birthday, then do it. I think that after that long, he might enjoy hearing from you. All this crap about never having contact ever again... give me a break. I personally think the NC thing is good for making yourself not crazy any more, like maybe for a month or two, even three, but to say never again is just odd to me if you still care about the person.
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Again maybe he would not like to hear from her. I don't want my X's contacting me. Everyone assumes it is just fine to do this if THEY want to. What if you are intruding into his life.... what if he is in another R right now happy.... or in the middle of a fight and plop there is the first love X showing up. What will it really serve to do this? My H had one of those that would pop up from time to time.. So did I until I made it clear to not bother to contact me... but what gave them the idea that they had the right to intrude? It is over....... don't you think he would have called you on your b-day if he really wanted to chat.
Shattered Heart Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I only discovered his reasons for breaking up with me long after the actual event: he was insecure, thought I was too good for him and obsessed with the fact I'd find someone else and leave him. He couldn't cope any more and ended it, rather than face losing me. Wow! We are experiencing very similar situations. I'm currently getting over my first love myself. She was also extremely insecure, thought I was superior to her, and also couldn't let go of the idea that I would find somebody else and leave her. I had no idea he felt like this because he never talked about it, and when I found out it broke my heart, because if he'd just explained how he was feeling I could have reassured him that I'd never have left him. The only difference between you and me is that my ex actually did explain how she thought I would find somebody else and end up leaving her. Also, I DID reassure her that I loved her and only her, and that I only had eyes for her. However, all the assurance in the world could not overpower her strong insecurities, and she eventually could not continue the relationship. And I never gave her any reason to think I would ever leave her. So don't beat yourself up about him not telling you his feelings about this, because even if he did, his own insecurities would've eventually made the decision to leave you anyway. Maybe enough time has passed for him to be okay about hearing from me? Okay, let's get something straight here. HE is the one who broke up with YOU. That said, YOU are the only one who matters here. NOT HIM! Don't worry about how HE would feel hearing from you. Instead, worry about how YOU would feel if you were to contact him. Or maybe I'm being selfish and hearing from me will mess him up again? Again, see above. Also, YOU are NOT the selfish one here. Erase that thought from your mind. Bottom line, I would only contact him if YOU are totally over him, and you don't think it would stir up any emotions inside you. Otherwise, it's just not worth it. And what would it prove if you were to contact him? I can tell you that my ex's birthday passed in January, and I DID NOT e-mail her. Like you, I questioned it, but because I was far from being over her, it wouldn't have been a good idea to e-mail her, and would've only set me back further. Not only that, but my birthday was a few weeks ago and my ex did e-mail me on my birthday. To this day, I have not responded to her. Not because I'm not a nice guy (because I am), but because she doesn't deserve an ego boost by hearing from me. Remember, the main focus here is always you, not him.
superconductor Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 What's the upside of getting in touch? Uh, well, he'll know that you're thinking of him. What's the downside? Possible miscommunication;Potentially raised expectations for both of you; Make him feel bad all over again for losing you; Make you feel bad all over again for losing him; You may discover that he's very happy with his new life and maybe has a new partner, which might be hurtful to you; He may simply not want to hear from you at all, and might tell you this in a hard manner for you to accept... There are probably other reasons, but those are the only ones I can come up with in the moment. Don't contact him. Just don't.
ZICKAR Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Communication is an interaction involving at least two people.... You are one he is two and possibly his girlfreind is the third ..... Messaging or e-mailing or any other form of communication will actually mean all of these sides coming in together ... are you ready for that yet and are you sure you aren't expecting a particular response from him .... Beleive me its just trouble and expectations that might leave you up frustrted and dipressed again ..... Just let it go totally and find something else to remember on this day...his B-day that might help you on but don't ever ever ever ever ever ever text him or communicate again in any form:cool:
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