simon_uk Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Hi some people may remember me from last year when I had a really bad breakup with a borderline personality disorder woman? Well finally 3 months ago, I met another lady and all memories of the psycho ex vanished. I was elated. My sister introduced me to this girl as she works with her. She is only 24 I am 37. Bad sign I suppose. But for the last 3 months she had convinced me she knew what she wanted and that she loved me and that age didnt matter, she wanted a more mature boyfriend who knew what he wanted. Perhaps threemonths is a very short time to be feeling love for somebody but we both felt that we had finally met the ideal partner. I had been out with other people since the ex so its not like I jusmped into a relationship with the first person to come along. But this was what I have wanted all my life. We had discussed serious thingslike moving in, usually she wa the one to bring it up.Even up until last Friday she was talking about moving in together and she got upset because I wasnt really into the conversation, even though it was by text, like most other conversations. She usually got upset and paranoid about the smallest things, ie I said to her last Friday I was going to start going to the gym again. She took that as me never going to see her. She quite often stayed at my place a few times a week. She stayed Saturday night and Sunday morning she was out of bed incedibly early and she went home. she said to feed her cat but has it as turned out she wanted her own space. We had a bit of a fallout, basically because she thought I was moody with her. I wasnt moody I was upset because she went so early and took her clothes that she had brough for staying Sunday night. So we talked (again via text!!!!!) She said it has all been too much too soon and all this talk of moving in has scared her. First she says she doesn’t know if she is ready for a full blown relationship. Then says she hasn’t changed her mind. Even though she is the one who mentions it, She said she is concentrating on the serious stuff in her head instead of just having fun. Naturally on Monday I was a little quiet with her as I didn’t have much to say. She got quite upset because she thought I was being different with her. She asked if I would ever trust her again because this is the second time she has had doubts, The first time was five weeks ago it lasted a day and then she was back extremely apologetic and said it wont happen again. Within a day or two she is looking at paint colours for the wall and talking about a fireplace we should buy. But then it happens again,so naturally I am upset with her because I dont know if it will happen every month. she said she doesnt know and she cant control how she feels. So naturally I would be on my toes and hesitant. She texted me Monday we had some small talk. Then she gotupset because I seemed distant. she said you are treating me differently already. I basically said I feela bit daft if I carry on as we we with loving messages etc becasue it doesnt seem appropriate at the moment. She said she understands. Yesterday she sent me a message and said she is definitely not ready for a relationship, she needs to be on her own. and that she will call me later that night. I told her not to bother and I will drop her stuff off at my sisters for her. She told my sister its probably best if we go our separate ways. I have since sent her a message.8PM last night saying I loved her and I cant help that and thats probably what has scared you. Well I cant help the way I feel no more than you can. I said you dont have to say sorry because I know. I never got a reply. Wish I hadnt bothered now. somuch for NC. Guess I better start that. Like Isay I realise this is a short relationship and she is young and that things were probably too heavy and moved quickly but we did both feel this magic, or so it seemed. We spent a lot of time together and when we werent together she was texting me that much we may as well have been together. I really dont want to let her go but what can I do, seems she has made her mind up. I have been here before in previous relationships and pursued the person afterwards and pushed them further away. I dont intend to do that again. Up until saturday night everything seemed so perfect, she was talking about marriage (in general) on Thursday, we had a nice meal then made the most incredible love. She mentioned moving in together on Friday and she told me how lucky we both were to have each other. Saturday, was a lovely evening too and we told each other we loved each other. So either everything she had told me previously was lies or she has changed her mind in one day???? My sister asked her if she loved me and her reply was, part of me does but I am not madly in love with him, it is too soon to be. Any advice welcome.
Winfield Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 This seems to be a case of her not knowing what she wants. One minute she's promising you the world, then the next, she's changing her mind...the element of trust isn't exactly high on her list of priorities, is it? I also think she's insecure, but whatever the reason for that is, only she can say... She also seems to be talking to you via text a lot - I presume this got on your nerves as you mentioned it a few times in your post? I can't blame you if it was - I hate that method of communication too - it's far too impersonal. It's OK for a simple "meet you at such and such a time" type message, but as for having "conversations" via that method, it ends up like a silly game of tennis! If someone's got something they want to say, they should at least pick up the phone and call - hearing a voice makes all the difference! That point aside, you can't make a decision for this young woman. I don't agree with her "leading you on" in the sense of moving in together, etc (surely a conversation about these types of things clarify how you both feel about the idea) - no wonder she keeps you guessing! As for sending her the message, well, I wouldn't have, but what's done is done (you can't not send it now). I reckon she was just looking for different things than what you were. It's easy to make promises, but fulfilling them is more difficult (as you've found her out to be). It's probably for the best you put this one down to experience.
sad-in-seattle Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Well...seems like a messed up situation. First off I'm 24 so I'm not going to sit here an down talk her age, but she does seem to be immature. Like the other person said in the post she also seems to be insecure. If she can't even talk to you face to face about problems I don't understand how she could handle moving in or having anything serious. She's hiding behind her texts.. I wonder why.. probably because it's easier and impersonal. She doesn't have to own up to anything. It's always nice to have passion and sparks, but it seems the foundation was weak, on her end anyway. Keep your chin up - you'll find someone who isn't afraid to commit.
Guest Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Well turn of events, well not really a turn of events more of an update. My sister told me yesterday that the ex told her that I brok things off and I said dont ever contact me again. Well the part about not conatcting me again weas true. anyway, was thinking that perhaps it was a bit harsh that I was so hostile. I did have every right but I thought maybe that is making the situation worse. I had sent her a message last night, which she didnt respond to and I was thinking maybe it was because I said dont ever contact me. Anyway, earlier this evening I deleted all her messages and her number so I couldnt contact her. But then I asked my sister if she thought I was harsh yesterday. She said maybe. I said maybe you could tell her I didnt mean to be I was just upset and she said 'you tell her' then texted me her number again. Big mistake! I called her and her first words were 'what can I do for you' like I was salesman. How nice! So i said I just wanted to apologise if I came across as harsh. She said you had every right to be if you were hurt. Then she went on to explain that she didnt want to see me and she didnt want a relationship. I was very agreeable but just said I was confused that it came so suddenly. It was basically her telling me that it was over and maybe we had cross wires but the result is the same. It is over. I just agreed that is was for the best. I just said it was best we parted on good terms. Inside I was dying. Her final words were I wish you luck for the future. Almost like we were strangers. I am heartbroken. I never let her know that. I got off the phone and called my sister and just cried and cried! :-( I feel so sad and so lied to. She just sent a text to say Sorry, didnt mean to be off with you, just didnt expect you to call. I replied and said I didnt exppect the hostility. I am being selfish by thinking about what I want but I am just confused. Cant help thinking about making love last Thursday and how we both 'seemed' happy. Guess I was mistaken. She then said this is the last text I am going to send as like i said I think its best if we go our seperate ways. I have nothing left to say except I am sorry. Take Care, I wish you the best. I replied with. Its ok, I understand how you feel. Its for the best. Look at it this way at least you dont have to worry about my birthday. *joke* I hope you find the happiness you seek. i guess its really over but at least it didnt end on such bad terms and at least I havent done the crying, begging and pleading that I have done in past breakups! Gutted. She did this once before about 5 weeks ago, not knowing what she wanted but it never resulted in a breakup and by the next day she was really apologetic and said she just had a funny turn. She promised it wouldnt happen again. It did but worse this time. :-( Thanks for listening.
alphamale Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 1. She's immature 2. You both moved way too fast. 3. For the first 2 or 3 moonths you should see her only once per week 4. Talk of "love" and marriage before 6 months is strictly verboten 5. You made yourself way too available to her 6. Once the challenge is gone for her then her interest drops Your only chance of getting her back is strict NC until SHE CONTACTS YOU, even if it takes a year. Date other chicks and make sure she know it (thru your sister)
dancehead Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Simon thats a really sad story mate. I have been there too, gut wrenching, but you know you just have to get out there and move on. It doesn't sound to me as if she was very stable, or knew what she wanted at all. I once went out with a girl like her. I didn't know where i was with her. Only 2 months but gutting all the same. Alphamale, those rules you just mentioned for dating, once a week for dating and no mention love love for the first 6 months!?! I would be interested where these come from and how many people practice these!?
Diver012 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Age is not a sign of maturity. TRUST ME ON THIS!!! I learned the hard way.
Author simon_uk Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 I am just feeling really depressed at the moment! Its like I have done something wrong in this world to keep getting ****ed over by women who claim to love me. I dont understand how somebody can say they love me one day and be gone the next! Even telling my sister the day before it was over that she loved me and was looking forward to seeing me Thursday. What is wrong with people? She was just talking about living together on Friday!
Diver012 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I am just feeling really depressed at the moment! Its like I have done something wrong in this world to keep getting ****ed over by women who claim to love me. I dont understand how somebody can say they love me one day and be gone the next! Even telling my sister the day before it was over that she loved me and was looking forward to seeing me Thursday. What is wrong with people? She was just talking about living together on Friday! That sounds like a classic case of Commitment Phobia. My last Ex did the same thing... it sucks man... I know.
Author simon_uk Posted August 26, 2006 Author Posted August 26, 2006 Right now I am thinking that she must be thinking lots of negative things about me and convincing herself why I am not good for her. Believe me, I never once treated her badly, never disrespected her, was always affectionate (something I have had difficulty with n other relationships) bought her things that she couldnt afford. Loved her, unconditionally. I have been thinking about some things she said to me. One of the things she said to me early in our relationship was "i was feeling really down on myself and life before you came into it, you make me so happy, I could scream from the rooftops" Something she said a few weeks ago "I have had enough of people. Everybody lets you down or uses you for their own benefit. I am better off on my own" I was shocked by this but she said she didnt mean me. She meant everybody else. Just two things that make me think she wasnt happy in general. Maybe depressed to some degree. There were instances when she thought I was trying to change her. Honestly, I loved her just the way she was. She was pale and I like tanned skin. It is a preference, such as her preference is for me to have a shaved head or smotth chest. It is not essential but she seemed to think I was criticising when really I wasnt. It is just a personal preference. I wonder if she is over exaggerating these things now, thinking we are not compatible. I have a high sex drive. She says she can take or leave sex. She always worried that it would be a problem somewhere sown the line. I think our sex life was healthy. I would have liked more but found no need to complain. She wasnt very confident sexually but to me it wasnt just sex, it was making love, something I have wanted for a long time. Just a real connection. Sex can get boring, making love no matter how infrequent is just wonderful. Better than any sex I have ever had. I just worry and wonder if she is exagerrating these things and turning them into reasons why we shouldnt be together. Last Sunday before we broke up, she said we are different. Then a bit later she said, everybody wants the perfect relationship and I understand people have differences but maybe they are things that will not go away. I asked like what and she didnt really give any definite examples. I personally think she is depressed but doesnt know it. She thought with the arrival of me in her life everything would be fine but she has to make herself happy first. She doesnt like her job, doesnt have any money, doesnt have many friends, doesnt go out at all. I think these are the things that are making her sad but she thinks maybe it is because she is in a relationship? I dont knwo, I am clutching at straws. All I know is I love her and I could enrich her life if only she would not be scared and allow me in.
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