Is it all over for me?

[Waterfall]

Is it all over for me?

My Story

I am ashamed to call this “my story”, I was one of those trusting, faithful, honest people who would never, ever, ever dream of being unfaithful and guess what I was

I am married just a year and feel I have made a big mistake by getting married. I know my husband was unfaithful to me a couple of times just before we got married, although he never admitted it, but I was so desperately in love with him I chose to ignore all the rumours and chose him, I came close to losing a number of friends over him. I should have walked away then, because I know now I lost respect for him (as he never owned up) and trust for him. However, I didn’t and I married him. I had my doubts all along, we have grown to become best friends rather than husband and wife, we never have sex and rarely have affection even on our honeymoon we fought all the time. We have grown very far apart, he works a lot and I used to cry at home begging him to come home, and gradually I pulled myself together and went out and made new friends and hobbies etc… It sounds corney but I genuinely found that I liked myself and other people liked me. A couple of months into my marriage I went away with a group of friends, the group that told me about my husband cheating on me, things had been strained for a long time. The weekend was fantastic we sorted out our differences I admitted to being very unhappy and they were just glad I wasn’t fighting it anymore. I met a guy that weekend, and we chatted for ages, I am not going to go into details but we connected something I never felt before. He was due to get married this month, but called off his wedding a week after that trip as he felt if he could have such a connection with me than he was not happy with his fiance, I really admire him for that because he truly loved her.

He lives a long distance away so I have only seen him a couple of times, but we talk everyday and as a result our “relationship” has become very strong. I truly think regardless of the other man my marriage is over, and I have to walk away but I just cannot bring myself to do it to my husband at the end of the day he is a good man, he has a very carefree outlook on life, I think that is why we are so different he never talks to me, I mean really talks to me, I don’t get any emotional support from him and as I am getting older I feel like I need it more and more, when I try and talk about how I feel I get a very cutting reply. Anyway I am going off track again, I am living each day in limbo, one day I decide to be strong and walk away the next I look at my husband and think yeah I could live with you forever and love you but I wouldn’t have the chemistry it would be more as friends/brothers and sisters. I also feel I have done what I did for a reason and there is no going back for me, how could I do this to someone I supposedly love. I just wondered is there anyone else out there who feels like this. Thanks for listening…

[bluechocolate]

No, I don't feel like this. But I will say that since you've decided that your marriage was a mistake & there is no going back, then end it. Now. Either that or sit down & have a real heart to heart with your husband & see if the two of you can move forward from there.

 

...but called off his wedding a week after that trip as he felt if he could have such a connection with me than he was not happy with his fiance, I really admire him for that because he truly loved her.

 

hmmm..... He meets someone over a weekend & then calls off his wedding & you really admire him for that because he was truly in love with her??

 

Something not quite right with that picture.

 

Though I guess what you're saying is that he had the courage to do what you should have done over a year ago?

[NearlyThere]

Is it all over for me?

My Story

I am ashamed to call this “my story”, I was one of those trusting, faithful, honest people who would never, ever, ever dream of being unfaithful and guess what I was

I am married just a year and feel I have made a big mistake by getting married. I know my husband was unfaithful to me a couple of times just before we got married, although he never admitted it, but I was so desperately in love with him I chose to ignore all the rumours and chose him, I came close to losing a number of friends over him. I should have walked away then, because I know now I lost respect for him (as he never owned up) and trust for him. However, I didn’t and I married him. I had my doubts all along, we have grown to become best friends rather than husband and wife, we never have sex and rarely have affection even on our honeymoon we fought all the time. We have grown very far apart, he works a lot and I used to cry at home begging him to come home, and gradually I pulled myself together and went out and made new friends and hobbies etc… It sounds corney but I genuinely found that I liked myself and other people liked me. A couple of months into my marriage I went away with a group of friends, the group that told me about my husband cheating on me, things had been strained for a long time. The weekend was fantastic we sorted out our differences I admitted to being very unhappy and they were just glad I wasn’t fighting it anymore. I met a guy that weekend, and we chatted for ages, I am not going to go into details but we connected something I never felt before. He was due to get married this month, but called off his wedding a week after that trip as he felt if he could have such a connection with me than he was not happy with his fiance, I really admire him for that because he truly loved her.

He lives a long distance away so I have only seen him a couple of times, but we talk everyday and as a result our “relationship” has become very strong. I truly think regardless of the other man my marriage is over, and I have to walk away but I just cannot bring myself to do it to my husband at the end of the day he is a good man, he has a very carefree outlook on life, I think that is why we are so different he never talks to me, I mean really talks to me, I don’t get any emotional support from him and as I am getting older I feel like I need it more and more, when I try and talk about how I feel I get a very cutting reply. Anyway I am going off track again, I am living each day in limbo, one day I decide to be strong and walk away the next I look at my husband and think yeah I could live with you forever and love you but I wouldn’t have the chemistry it would be more as friends/brothers and sisters. I also feel I have done what I did for a reason and there is no going back for me, how could I do this to someone I supposedly love. I just wondered is there anyone else out there who feels like this. Thanks for listening…

 

 

I know exactly how you feel!!!

 

I wish I had listened to my inner voice when my now ex-partner and I started to live together. I had my doubts but ignored them. Since then

I have spent over 7 years with a man I no longer have any chemistry with.

 

I too thought that I could live with him just being a friend/brother type relationship, but after a while you realise this is not enough and this will become more apparent now you have found this connection with someone else who makes you feel alive again, physically and emotionally, well thats how I felt anyway. If you feel this way about your H now after 1 year and you genuinely feel there is no way forward then try and end it now. Believe me it does not get any easier as the days/months tick by, I found situations cropping up all the time that made me delay it, thinking this is the wrong time, but there is never a right time. I know this is not an easy decision to make especially if he is generally a good and kind man and you know that it will cause him hurt. The week leading up to me finally taking the plunge I felt sick to my stomach, could not eat or sleep, but the moment the words were out of my mouth I felt like a huge burden had been lifted.

 

Try not to get your feelings with the new relationship clouded with the issues with your M, I tried as much as I could like you seem to be doing to keep my feelings separate knowing that even if the relationship I started with a MM ended, which it subsequently has, I knew I had made the right decision, which by the way I still know I had and I dont regret it even though I am now single.

 

All I can say too you is we only have one life and too make the most of every day that we have. I dont know how old you are, but you could be facing the possibility of another 40 years waking up every day married to a man you feel you no longer love.

 

Obviously I'm not telling you what to do in your situation, just saying I know how you feel and I know it must be a very hard time for you.

[Guest]

Thank you for replying. I agree Blue Chocolate, it is strange but he says he would never go through with this marriage based on a lie,so better to end it now for her, rather than a broken marriage. He was married before his wife had an affair (she is still with that man) and he went through a very tough time but has forgiven her now.

 

 

Nearlythere, thanks for your reply its comforting that someone understands.

 

-"this will become more apparent now you have found this connection with someone else who makes you feel alive again, physically and emotionally, well thats how I felt anyway"-

 

This is so true I thought I was ok, that I had a best friend and this was the most important thing for me, but now I have met him??

 

"but there is never a right time. I know this is not an easy decision to make especially if he is generally a good and kind man and you know that it will cause him hurt"

 

I do love him, he is an amazing man, he has arranged this special weekend for us, but I am thinking how could I hurt him so much if I truly loved him in a way I feel I have backed myself into this mess, and if I loose him and our marriage over this then its my loss.

 

How did you tell your partner?

I am not going to see the other man again until & if I seperate from my husband. PS I am 28

[Waterfall]

Thank you for replying. I agree Blue Chocolate, it is strange but he says he would never go through with this marriage based on a lie,so better to end it now for her, rather than a broken marriage. He was married before his wife had an affair (she is still with that man) and he went through a very tough time but has forgiven her now.

 

Nearlythere, thanks for your reply its comforting that someone understands.

-"this will become more apparent now you have found this connection with someone else who makes you feel alive again, physically and emotionally, well thats how I felt anyway"-

This is so true I thought I was ok, that I had a best friend and this was the most important thing for me, but now I have met him??

"but there is never a right time. I know this is not an easy decision to make especially if he is generally a good and kind man and you know that it will cause him hurt"

I do love him, he is an amazing man, he has arranged this special weekend for us, but I am thinking how could I hurt him so much if I truly loved him in a way I feel I have backed myself into this mess, and if I loose him and our marriage over this then its my loss.

How did you tell your partner?

I am not going to see the other man again until & if I seperate from my husband. PS I am 28

[Ripples]

Is it all over for me?

My Story

I am married just a year and feel I have made a big mistake by getting married. I know my husband was unfaithful to me a couple of times just before we got married, although he never admitted it, but I was so desperately in love with him I chose to ignore all the rumours and chose him, I came close to losing a number of friends over him. I should have walked away then, because I know now I lost respect for him (as he never owned up) and trust for him. However, I didn’t and I married him. I had my doubts all along, we have grown to become best friends rather than husband and wife, we never have sex and rarely have affection even on our honeymoon we fought all the time. We have grown very far apart, he works a lot and I used to cry at home begging him to come home,

Um, it doesn't sounds like you really are best friends. What best friends would fight all the time? What best friend do you have to beg to spend time with you? What best friend do you have no respect or trust for?

 

About the honeymoon, sometimes honeymoons can be really stressful, you've just got married, everything is supposed to be all hearts and flowers, love making under a starry sky, reaching orgasm simultaneously while fireworks explode in the background and violins play your song. Well, that can be quite a lot of pressure to bear, for both of you.

 

and gradually I pulled myself together and went out and made new friends and hobbies etc… It sounds corney but I genuinely found that I liked myself and other people liked me. A couple of months into my marriage I went away with a group of friends, the group that told me about my husband cheating on me, things had been strained for a long time. The weekend was fantastic we sorted out our differences I admitted to being very unhappy and they were just glad I wasn’t fighting it anymore. I met a guy that weekend, and we chatted for ages, I am not going to go into details but we connected something I never felt before. He was due to get married this month, but called off his wedding a week after that trip as he felt if he could have such a connection with me than he was not happy with his fiance, I really admire him for that because he truly loved her.

Yes, I can understand why you'd admire him, but I think he'd deserve real admiration if he wasn't in a serious relationship with someone when he was prepared to 'chat for ages' and have a 'connection' with someone else. Maybe he commits too easily...

 

He lives a long distance away so I have only seen him a couple of times, but we talk everyday and as a result our “relationship” has become very strong. I truly think regardless of the other man my marriage is over, and I have to walk away but I just cannot bring myself to do it to my husband at the end of the day he is a good man, he has a very carefree outlook on life, I think that is why we are so different he never talks to me, I mean really talks to me, I don’t get any emotional support from him and as I am getting older I feel like I need it more and more, when I try and talk about how I feel I get a very cutting reply. Anyway I am going off track again, I am living each day in limbo, one day I decide to be strong and walk away the next I look at my husband and think yeah I could live with you forever and love you but I wouldn’t have the chemistry it would be more as friends/brothers and sisters. I also feel I have done what I did for a reason and there is no going back for me, how could I do this to someone I supposedly love. I just wondered is there anyone else out there who feels like this. Thanks for listening…

 

I think that quite a few men aren't able to give the emotional support that women would like. Some men just don't seem to be built that way and when one tries to talk to them about it, they feel like they're being attacked and so hence the cutting reply. (Ok, a few big generalisations there, but you get my drift).

 

I feel that if you're really not sure about what to do, you owe it to your own self-esteem, your husband and the other guy to try to work things out in your marriage. That means absolutely no contact with any other man.

 

If you genuinely want to walk away from your marriage, then do that, as soon as possible. But no contact with the other guy until it's done.

 

Be kind to yourself, leave your marriage because it's the right thing to do for you and your husband, not because you think you'd rather be with someone else.

[freakygal78]

Hey, I am not in the situation that you are in, but I have been married before - I spent 7 years with this guy (4 of them married) and I know that it was the wrong decision the day after I got married. We also seemed like brother and sister at times because in fact after such a long period of time we'd become best friends. Sure I had attractions to the opposite sex during this time and sometimes developed quite close friendships which obviously I couldn't and didn't act upon. I guess I got to the age where I thought 'oh my god! I can't imagine spending the next 40 years like this!' We had so many problems and I felt underappreciated and stuck. Finally I gathered the strength to make a decision to leave. I have to admit I started meeting people for coffee or whatever once the relationship was well and truly over and this DID bias my decision a little - I thought 'geez, there are all these wonderful and attractive men I could be meeting' and I guess at still rather a young age, I thought I'd been missing out on life a little - I have been divorced for 5 years now and I HAVE met a whole bunch of wonderful guys but I still can't seem to maintain a relationship with either of them for too long - why? Because the problem was with ME and still is - hence me becoming emotionally attached to a married guy recently. Yes, I admire the strength of your new friend in admitting he wasn't being true to his heart but I urge you to take a step back and look at what YOU as a person want. Don't let your interaction with your husband influence it, don't let your new friend influence it either - maybe take a few days out from both and really think. It's not easy to make clear decisions when you are getting an ego rub from someone (not saying his feelings aren't sincere) just that you should make a decision in yourself free from bias. I wish you the best

[NearlyThere]

 

How did you tell your partner?

I am not going to see the other man again until & if I seperate from my husband. PS I am 28

 

I became really miserable and upset, it was just before Valentines Day which was our meeting anniversay and I just could not face another one feeling like I did about another man, albeit a MM. My ex-partner asked me what was wrong, I said the usual "nothing", he forced the issue and I said, along the lines off "its our relationship, i'm sorry I do not feel that we should be together any more, I would like to separate". I wont lie, he was devastated, cried etc. I felt like I had been a real S**t . I then said for him to think about how our relationship was and did he really think that it was the right way to carry on. He said no, I reminded him of another big issue that was not resolved, he wants kids, I have never been bothered, and as I'm now 40 have left it too late anyway, he is only 35. So eventually he came round to the idea it was for the better and we both deserve to be with someone who makes us happy. He is still living with me at the moment, although I have moved into another room, as yet this has not caused a problem, however if/when either of us start dating it might become an issue.

 

It is probably a good idea not to see this other man until you have a clear head and decided that your marriage is definitely over. I was not married and I suppose that made it less messy with regards to legal requirements etc.

 

Another difference is I never had any doubt with my partners faithfullness to me, which I have only subsequently repayed with my unfaithfullness, however I have never been mean or nasty or unkind which I felt that I was heading for thru my frustrations. Once I had met this MM though I knew that I could not carry on with the sham of a relationship I was in and I had made the decision to finish it within 4 weeks of the first date with the MM and had done this by the 8th.

 

I wish you all the best and my thoughts are with you as I know this is not an easy choice.