Thirst_N_Howl Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Here’s my story: In a romance for 7 months before having the dreaded “talk” about past relationships. Not sure why I waited so long before initiating the discussion, but I guess I felt that I wanted to make sure she was comfortable enough with me before asking so she’d feel confident about giving me her true number. I do love her. She treats me like a king. Anyway, I popped the question Friday & the answer was 32. I was astounded. Then, almost just like the scene in “Clerks” about the 37, I recovered from the shock enough to ascertain that I was “33.” Anyway, I freaked out about it all weekend. On Sunday, I mustered up enough courage to go to her house & break up with her. Most emotionally painful thing I ever did. Ever. I still love her. Not sure if I’ll ever stop. But I figured, I know my psyche & I’d never be able to deal with that. When I asked her, she gave me a few details to “soften” the blow she knew was coming. Didn’t really help much. At all. Like adding a log to the flame. Convinced me more than ever that this girl had WAY too much of a past for me to deal with. But when I was breaking up with her, she mentioned that she was raped when she was 11 (brother’s friend) & molested by her grandfather until her mid-teens. She had told me all of this early on into the relationship & I had let it slip my mind. Now, I do remember that conversation. It was over lunch. I remember it - crystal. SO, that revelation has hoisted a HUGE guilt trip on me. Believe me, it’s bad enough breaking up with someone you’re still madly in love with. It’s even worse when you’re fully aware of the common coping mechanism that girls who have had to endure those kind of traumatic experiences falls upon. But anyway, I still figured I’d obsess about it to the point that it would destroy me. I love her enough to understand that she needs & deserves to find a guy that will treat her well & not letting her past affect their relationship. She was honest enough to tell me…I feel it’s only right to be honest enough to tell her that I just don’t think I’m man enough to hold up in the long run. Feel bad about that, believe me. So bad. ANYWAY, so I haven’t talked to her since Sunday. There were tears in her eyes when I left. She just couldn’t understand how I’d throw 7 months of a great relationship down the drain like that. For my part, I couldn’t give her a satisfactory answer. She understood it, but it certainly wasn’t satisfying. That was our last communication.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman]Here’s where things get weird & I need your help. On Monday I was STILL in freak out mode & obsessing about the few details I had about her past. I hadn’t delved too deep during our relationship, but just scratches I got on the surface during the relationship & during the breakup where more than enough to get my juices flowing. Admittedly, she was a SUPER slut. I can spare you the sordid details unless that would help anyone better analyze the situation, but suffice to say, she’s done it all. ALL! Her past experiences make me look like a (I was gonna say priest, but nah…) [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] I had all of these insecurities pop up (although she’s never done anything but act is I’ve been her best lover in the world. Statistics say that that’s probably not true, but she makes me feel like that anyway. Like I said, she’s a great girl. Treats me like a king.) Anyway, still obsessing about it tonight & pacing the room wondering all about her past. I’ve never quite felt this way before because I’ve never encountered this before. Her number of partners is more than all of my past lovers – combined. Thinking about what she’s admitted to doing & what I haven’t heard about has put me on this emotional rollercoaster. What I realized is that obsessing about this stuff is giving me an emotional rush. It’s so weird, I can’t even explain it. I’m pacing back & forth, thinking about all of these things & I look in the mirror & I’m smiling! I’m laughing part of the time. It’s freaking me out! I’m going from feeling like the littlest, loneliest person on the face of the earth because I had to break up with the woman that I love to thinking of how exhilarating it would be to have her tell me all of the details about the times she’s had multiple partner experiences. It’s crazy!!! Why am I feeling like this? I know it would probably crush me to hear about, but I’ve already broken up with her. Is this some sort of coping mechanism that I’m engaging? If so, what’s the purpose? Do I want to her back so bad that I’m trying to find a way around my standards? I do love her, but I don’t see us being together for the stretch run because I’m still not sure if I could REALLY get over her past. I think it would just haunt me & destroy us down the line. But why do I want to know? Why does the prospect of her dishing everything give me such a thrill? I know it’ll hurt, but it’ll hurt SO good!!! I almost feel creepy! I’m craving for her to give me something else to obsess about. What is going on?!? Is this some kind of catharsis? I do love her. Should I remain out of her life or try to explore these feelings with her?[/FONT]
bluechocolate Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Should I remain out of her life or try to explore these feelings with her? DO NOT try to explore 'these feelings' with her. It has absolutely nothing to do with her & everything to do with you. THIS IS NOT HER PROBLEM. As for sharing her past for your titillation - just leave her alone.
Ripples Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I think you did absolutely the right thing in breaking up with her. She doesn't deserve someone like you. At all. Hopefully she'll find someone who can give her what she really deserves; respect, compassion, trust and care without judgement.
Adunaphel Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Should I remain out of her life or try to explore these feelings with her? DO NOT try to explore 'these feelings' with her. It has absolutely nothing to do with her & everything to do with you. THIS IS NOT HER PROBLEM. As for sharing her past for your titillation - just leave her alone. What he said. How old are you and how old is her?
Walk Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I do want to commend the poster for being honest about his feelings. Both to her and in admitting his feelings behind his actions to himself. I think though, that a portion of you feels that you've discovered a new person behind who you thought she was. This both excites and repels you. She has the experience to fulfill fantasies of yours, both verbally and physically, that make you 'want' to hear more about her past. Even if these weren't common fantasies you'd had in the past.. I think it opens up whole new dimensions to learn that our partner is more 'colorful' then we thought they were. I'm still not sure why you felt you had to break up with her though. You had a women who was sexually open, uninhibited toward sex, who made you feel like a King when you were with her. Any feelings of not being adequate enough would be entirely in your own head. Your own insecurity that pushed her away. Not what she did, or who she did it with... this is entirely about how you feel about yourself. So even though you don't feel you can "get over" her past, it still causes you to feel that rush excitment when you think about it. For a moment, you had the opportunity to explore every single fantasy you may have ever had, and to do so with a woman who has made you feel good about yourself. Who has proven she wants only you. Who has worked to ensure you feel you are more than anything she could ever want... But you threw that away because of insecurity. Issues within yourself that make you feel not good enough about yourself. So in essence, you weren't breaking up with her... you were breaking apart from that part of you that causes you to not feel good about yourself. Removing the outter stimulus that would cause those feelings. It didn't stop you from wanting to experience wild sexual thoughts with the woman. You removed the situation that scared you. But it didn't remove the man inside you. So the thought of her past encounters still excites you. I know this is long but bear with me a moment... You'll have to figure out if you're strong enough emotionally and mentally to do this, but if you have enough confidence in yourself, then I think you could have an enviable relationship with this woman. You have the perfect opportunity. Something most men can only dream of. A sexually wild woman who makes you feel like a King. Also, I think you are viewing her past in relation to you as though you are just "another". But it's not that way... If you bought an ice cream with your male friend, would it be the same as buying an ice cream cone with your gf? No. Because it's something you are sharing with her. Even if you bought ice cream with your ex's a million times, would it be the same as sharing that ice cream cone with the girl you love? I doubt it. The person you are with makes it special, or not special. Not how many times you've done it before, or that you did do it before. YOU made it special for her, because she was with you. You can continue seeing her as a slutty used object... or find joy in the fact that she chose to share her life with you. She didn't come with a clean slate, but it doesn't mean you had to toss her aside because of it. Have some confidence in the fact that you are someone great, who is strong enough to see beyond her sullied past into the heart of a beautiful woman who wanted to give you the world. And she was making you feel like a King. You caused yourself to feel like less because of insecurity.
Road Rage Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Thirst N Howl You hit it right with the first two words you typed. Now that you have disconnected from the love relationship morbid curiousity has come to the surface and you want to know more about this "slut" you have been doing for 7 months.
Outcast Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 that she was raped when she was 11 (brother’s friend) & molested by her grandfather until her mid-teens. Only the worst of black-hearted wretches would talk about this person as a 'slut'. These kinds of experiences damage some people very badly and sometimes the people lose all sense of self-worth because of it and, yes, maybe sleep around. That does NOT make them 'sluts'. Absolutely do not go back to her. Leave her to find someone who actually has a heart and who has some compassion for someone who has already been horribly treated by men in her life.
norajane Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Stay away from her. She doesn't need any more jerks in her life.
Guest Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Maybe you should try and put yourself in her shoes... How would you feel if your girlfriend dumped you because she was distraught over the number of people that you'd been with? If she was absolutely unable to get over this and felt she needed to throw 7 months of relationship away. Couldn't stand to be around you... Work out how you would feel in this situation and then you might be able to empathise with your poor (now ex) girlfriend. Also don't ask for details about former lovers, if I was her I wouldn't tell you anyway as it's private and between the people involved only. You can ask the number but you can't judge the person on that... it sounds like she's had a tough time of things in the past and you've judged her on stuff that wasn't necessarily her choice. She was honest and open with you... that's WAY more important. Also love the one you're with... so don't compare - well I don't at any rate.
KittenMoon Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Well, IMO you're not a jerk because you couldn't deal with her past- it was simply an incompatibility. Would anyone have called her a jerk if she was dead set on having kids someday and you weren't? No- incompatabilities come in all forms. Just because you shouldn't judge someone's past doesn't mean you have to accept it if it makes you uncomfortable. You had a choice to make and you made it- would it really have worked if you know you couldn't get over it? What about if she kept wondering for years and years if it bothered you? Now you both have a chance to eventually find partners who are more compatible, even if it hurts right now.
norajane Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 No, he's not a jerk for breaking up with her. He's a jerk for even considering getting back together with her, or even considering talking with her just so he can hear more of those titillating details which turn him on. Did you read the rest of his post Kitten? The part where he's smiling and laughing and all but jerking off to thoughts of all those juicy details? The part where she was abused at the age of 11, and now her sexual exploits since are giving him the jollies so he wants to go back and get more details?
KittenMoon Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 No, he's not a jerk for breaking up with her. He's a jerk for even considering getting back together with her, or even considering talking with her just so he can hear more of those titillating details which turn him on. Did you read the rest of his post Kitten? The part where he's smiling and laughing and all but jerking off to thoughts of all those juicy details? The part where she was abused at the age of 11, and now her sexual exploits since are giving him the jollies so he wants to go back and get more details? Sounds like a pretty straight up Madonna/Whore thing. Which is extremely distasteful, but if remains fantasy, I don't think he should fight it, lest it become controlling. However, OP, it would be a bad thing to start acting on these ideas. Very bad.
Returning Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Dunno what his beef was, 37 pfft...my Ex claimed, and I had no reason to disbelieve her, she started having sex age 12 of her own free will(?) and had been with roughly 200 men, I met her when she was 23 so that averages 19 a year. That didn't worry me but her abusive personality was a bit hard to stomach. I musta been a nut to stay with her 16 yrs. I never asked her about any of them.
sad-in-seattle Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 [COLOR=black]I think you did the right thing by breaking up. I don't think it was right because someone that has had a lot of partner's doesn't deserve to be w/someone, but the fact that you can own up to not being able to deal with it. I know in my past I've told myself that I'd be able to deal with things that bugged me and it haunted me throughout the relationship. Like the person said before it's a compatibility issue. Good thing you did it early on and didn't waste anymore of her or your time. As for the freaking out obsessing crap - I kind a feel you on that. I think it's an insecurity issue though.. I have it too =P Just do what the rest of em say.. leave her alone for the time being.. you'll just confuse yourself more and her.[/COLOR]
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