not sure where to post this.....

[Guest]

Ok, I’m about to break up with my boyfriend of 5 years….going on 6. I’m just not sure how to do it. We’ve been together since we were 17, and have 2 kids. He’s very VERY emotional. We have a lot of problems and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m tired of being everything to everyone. With next to no help from him. Our kids are 2 and 4. It wasn’t until this past month that he’s ever watched them by himself, or changed a diaper. And the only reason he did was because he was pretty much forced to because I had to work.

 

He has some personal issues that I’ve never been comfortable with, and I’m still not comfortable with. He tells me how much he loves me all the time, and it’s gotten to the point that it makes me sick to hear it. He’s NEVER intimate with me anymore, because I know for a fact he no longer finds me attractive (which is a small part of his personal issues). He’s always commenting on my weight and how I need to lose weight. I’ve gotten to the point that I close myself off to him. He does ALL the talking I pretty much nod and say yea, or ask why, but I never really talk or tell him how I’m feeling, I just bottle everything up, if I start to talk about a problem I have it usually ends up that I don’t get any resolution he chalks it up to me whining or complaining, so I just don’t do anything anymore.

 

I’ve recently started a journal and that’s helped get some stuff out, but it’s also made me realize a lot of the things that I’ve sacrificed for him, only to gain absolutely nothing in return. I’m unsure of how to go about breaking up with him. I’ve tried before (about a year ago), only to get sucked back in because he told me he’d quit school and kill himself, among other crazy threats.

 

I’d really love some advice as this is my first boyfriend and my first breakup. I know that having kids will make it much tougher, but I’m ready to follow through this time. If you need more info I’d be glad to share, just please help me.

[Gunny376]

Please expound. Tell us all.

 

But, most of all tell us, if you leave, how are you going to leave, where are you going to go, how are you going to take care of those children. etc.

[corsetqueen]

Well actually I had planned to leave him tomorrow, I had written out a letter to him, because that's usually the only way I can get through to him, he never really listens. I'm going to continute living with my parents until I can get on my feet, which I'm hoping will be soon because I just applied for a new job.

 

As far as more details there is A LOT to tell. We got together after I had moved back here from georgia for my senior year of high school, all by myself. I didn't really have many friends and I had known him from elementary school so we hung out and what not. Well eventually it got serious and about 5 months later I ended up pregnant. I must say even during this time he was emotionally abusive toward me. He hated when I talked about my friends and it actually got the the point that I had to quit talking to my friends. I had considered moving back to Georgia to live with my parents because I hated the way he treated me, but I didn't want to be a burden and I wanted to show everyone that I could be alright on my own. I look back and realize how naive I was. I had considered during my x-mas break from school just going to visit them, and then stay without telling anyone, but I chickened out. I got back from x-mas break and it was all the same stuff. He made me throw out all of my music (it was a lot of hard to find punk stuff), he made me throw out all of my old yearbooks, he pretty much destroyed any memories I had from high school. He was very insecure in high school and was always a loner. I feel like he took that all out on me. He's always telling me how I'm the only person he could ever talk to. He has some personal issues which to me are kind of embarrasing, most of all because I stayed with him even though Ive known about his issues, and I made it out to be that I was ok with them. Which I'm not because it affects our relationship deeply. He always thinks he's right about EVERYTHING. I put our kids in daycare, because I just wasn't cut out to be stay at home mom material, and they were beginning to drive me absolutly nuts. I had no outlet, but him. Absolutly no friends. I have just recently started to talk to some of my old friends over the internet. He's all PO'd because I want to go back to GA in Nov. for a few days for one of my friend's wedding. He thinks it's a waste, but I don't think it is, I feel like I deserve a break. I do ALL the work.

I will say that I no longer put any effort into the realtionship, I've gotten to the point that I don't want it to work, I just want it to be over. I just recently got a job at a grocery store, but it's still not enough to pay for daycare, I'm running behind on payments. I'm trying to get assistance to help pay, but I don't think I have enough hours. I just applied at the post office, and I have some connections so it's just a matter of waiting for the test. He has no job, goes to school full time (this after being really flaky). He had gone from going to school full time, to quitting school and play computer games ALL DAY, to deciding to be a mechanic, then an electrician, now he's back at school because he feels he's better than that. I will say in his defense he is a VERY intelligent person, I mean there's no wya in hell i could ever understand differential equations, or university physics. But I know if he finally just sticks it out, he'll become an engineer like he wants.

 

But I'm tired and I just want out. I'm just not sure how having kids and what not will play into things. I'm kinda scared that he's going to threaten to kill himself like he did the last time i tried to break up with him. I just don't know how to deal with situations like this. Any advice would be most appreciated.

[dgiirl]

Ok first of all, you cannot give in to threats of him killing himself. That's emotional blackmail, and you have to learn that you cannot control his actions. Yes, being dumped is very painful, but it's the dumpee's responsibility to pick himself up and keep moving. You have absolutely no control over his actions. And if he's that weak that he needs to blackmail people in his life to get what he wants, then you need to get out asap.

 

Having said that, as the dumper, you need to take responsibility for the way you leave him. Unless you think he might become physical, I do not think dumping him in a letter is a good way. IMO, It's pretty cowardly. I know you've tried to talk to him in the past, and he doesnt seem to understand how severe the situation is. But it's your job to get through to him how severe the situation really is. You both are responsible for the situation you are in and your poor communication. You said it yourself, everytime he dismisses your feelings, you close yourself off and give up. You cannot do that if you want a successful relationship. It's your responsibility to explain to him how it makes you feel and give him alternatives.

 

Have you tried counselling? You dont need to be married to get couple's counselling, and i think you owe it to your kids to try every possible thing to save this relationship, and when you've tried everything, and it's still not working, then you earn your right out.

 

But all of this advice is based on him not being physical with you. If he is physical, then before leaving, you need to prepare everything. You need to figure out where you can stay and you need to get all your documents in order so that you do not need to return to the home.

[Gunny376]

and nothing more than emotional blackmail, but in this day and age one can never be sure and certain for sure, but if an individual's suicidal ~ then they're also homocidial.

 

This guy as you've described him sounds, inmature, insecure, lacking in social adaptability skills, emotional intellegence. social skills. He also sounds controlling, manipulative. He's not going to handle your leaving him well.

 

A pesudo-intellectual ~ his world is things, concepts, theories, books. The two of you are mis-matched. Marriage Counseling isn't going to work because you're done. You're from different worlds. He cannot even fathom what emotinal needs are, let alone ever meeting yours. He needs to go to individaul cousneling to work on the above issues. You might consider going to get over the obvious guilt you have of leaving him.

 

Its pretty obvious you need to get out of of this relationship ~ just to breath. Staying wouldn't be an option. I just see the two of you as being totally mis-matched. You're the social butterfly ~ he's the fly in the ointiment.

 

Your parents will be more than glad to have you and the GK's back home ~ especically if you move back with the stated long term goal of getting your own place, and a job and being independent.

 

Goggle Mary Hunt and Debt Free Living. Its a paid site to get full access to the forumn, and its mainly women with all kinds of penny strecthing, dollar strecthing ~ getting control of debt, getting out of debt ideas. Just what a single mom striking out on your own needs. Cost is $2 a month.

 

Even if your not married ~ he's still has to "man-up" and pay child support. Even if he doesn't have a job. If that interupts his life ~ "Oh, well!" If he's not forth-coming within 30-60 days, get a lawyer. A couple of nights sitting in jail should paint a clear, pretty picture in his head. I have zero sympathy for dead-beat parents, (man or woman).