heartbrokenwifeof2 Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I caught my 35 yr old husband cheating on me with a 21 yr old girl. This has been going on for 6months. We have two boys 2 and 5. He told me this is the second time he has done this. We are going to try and work it out and I am just feeling so stupid and wondering if giving him a second chance was the best thing to do. Also, now i am wanting us to have a threesome (which i have never done before) because I want to know why he was doing with her and falling in love with her because he told me he was. Not to mention we both have the same name. I just want to know what she did that I couldnt. He said he would love too, but i couldnt do it emotionally and he dont think she would. Am I that hurt and stupid that I am willing to do this to myself. Or am I wanting to do it so it gives me another reason to get out. I am so confused over everything. Oh, I just found all of this out last tuesday so its been a week and I am holding up too great. What to do???????
Guest Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 hi, I think you should cut your lossess and leave but I know it's easier said than done. I am a 42 yr. male that has cheated on my woman and got caught. Things were never the same to the point that we are now separated since April. If you believe that he won't cheat on you again, you are wrong. It's just a matter of time before he will stray. As far as a threesome, that a whole other can of worms. i know several couples that have tried it and the majority of them stated it had damaged the relationship. Let it go! Keep it as a fantasty not as a tool to satisfy your curiosity about the girl. Its a tough road ahead and I wish you well along with the strenght to make the right calls. John from NYC
Mz. Pixie Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I Also, now i am wanting us to have a threesome (which i have never done before) because I want to know why he was doing with her and falling in love with her because he told me he was. Not to mention we both have the same name. I just want to know what she did that I couldnt. He said he would love too, but i couldnt do it emotionally and he dont think she would. Am I that hurt and stupid that I am willing to do this to myself. Or am I wanting to do it so it gives me another reason to get out. I am so confused over everything. Oh, I just found all of this out last tuesday so its been a week and I am holding up too great. What to do??????? I can't believe you want to do this. This blows my mind. Honey, it's not about what she could do that you couldn't- it's about him. This is not something that you caused. No doubt he had some unmet needs- but no matter what they are- he didn't have the right to cheat. Having a threesome with this person would only degrade you further. Do you really want to see your H having a good time sexually with this person?? If he wants to mend things and you want to- the best thing you can do is counseling. Insist on it as a condition of staying in the marriage. He must cut off all contact with OW- no matter what the cost. He must become transparent to you. It will do you guys no good for him to end the affair without finding out why he did it. That will only cause him to possibly do it again. This is not about OW and how great she is. Trust me on this. This about it being new and exciting and fun. With OW he doesn't have to talk about the bills, the kids. It's a fantasy- and not real. Most relationships with OW/OM break down when they are together full time. Hold your head up high. You're his wife and he obviously wants to be with you. I suggest "Love must be tough" by James Dobson and that you visit marriage builders. Google it and visit the site.
Adunaphel Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I caught my 35 yr old husband cheating on me with a 21 yr old girl. This has been going on for 6months. We have two boys 2 and 5. He told me this is the second time he has done this. How did you find out? Did he volunteer the information that the affair has been going on for 6 months and that it is the second time he cheats on you? We are going to try and work it out and I am just feeling so stupid and wondering if giving him a second chance was the best thing to do. Does he genuinely want to work it out, and do you think he is really sorry that he cheated on you? If he is just sorry that he got caught, there is no sense in you trying to work it out and doing all the work. Also, now i am wanting us to have a threesome (which i have never done before) because I want to know why he was doing with her and falling in love with her because he told me he was. Not to mention we both have the same name. It is a very bad idea. If you'd feel better talking to her, and seeing her, ask yout H if he can arrange a meeting between you two. (even if she might refuse to) is your H still claiming he's in love with her? If he is still in love with her, and refuses to cut all contact with her, there is not really much sense in trying to work things out. Your H should do whatever is posisble and appropriate to regain your trust. I just want to know what she did that I couldnt. Nothing. Very likely it is not about you. Chances are high that she is really nothing special, and that she does not have anything that you do not have. He said he would love too, what an idiot. but i couldnt do it emotionally but he's right about this. nd he dont think she would. Am I that hurt and stupid that I am willing to do this to myself. Or am I wanting to do it so it gives me another reason to get out. I am so confused over everything. Oh, I just found all of this out last tuesday so its been a week and I am holding up too great. What to do??????? Take time to ponder things over and decide what is best for you. Discuss things with your H. Get all the information that you can that could be useful to you. try to understand what you'd want - to get out, or to stay. try to decide if you can trust your H again. I hope that whatever you decide to do is the best thing for you, but please forget about the threesome, it would be madness.
Tatara Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Also, now i am wanting us to have a threesome (which i have never done before) because I want to know why he was doing with her and falling in love with her because he told me he was. Not to mention we both have the same name. I just want to know what she did that I couldnt. He said he would love too, but i couldnt do it emotionally and he dont think she would. Am I that hurt and stupid that I am willing to do this to myself. Or am I wanting to do it so it gives me another reason to get out. I am so confused over everything. Oh, I just found all of this out last tuesday so its been a week and I am holding up too great. What to do??????? First things first. You are not stupid you are acting on impulse. It is only the pain that is making you want to dig into it so deep as to have a threesome. The fact that he agreed to the threesome is what hurts me most about the whole situation. I am sure that had you heard him decline and tell you it would be too painful at least it would give you a little bit of comfort knowing he cares about your feelings (at least it also gives you insight to see that he doesn't give a damn about her feelings etheir. "loves her" - my ass) I hope you have told him how selfish he is being. I definately advise against the threesome. It will emotionally kill you. I do however, understand the "need to know" part of why you asked for it in the first place and the "pain curing pain" mindset you seem to have gotten yourself in. This is a very dangerous way to think and it is showing desperation at the amount of pain you are feeling right now. In the very least, please wait until your pain fades and I think you will see that it was clouding your judgement. There is nothing she did that you can't or haven't done. There is nothing wrong with you as a woman or as a wife. Unfortunately I don't have much advise for your situation but I urge you to please not let yourself fall into self-doubt about yourself when this is all about him and his issues. It will make your greiving and recovery so much harder. Take care of yourself and your kids above all else.
Author heartbrokenwifeof2 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Thanks so much for all outside advice. I really need it right now. I caught him because I waited for the information to fall into my lap. I found her deposit slip in his truck then started calling people he worked with asking if she worked there then everyone started spilling their guts. Then I got a babysitter and went to her house when he got off work at 1am. THe other affair we lived somewhere different and i was pregnant with my second child and I just always suspected he was, He told me about when all of this happed and I asked. We are going to go to marriage counsling as soon as I go sign up for it. I am the one who offerd him the second chance that he had to change and he says I do too. He says I dont give him enough sex, which I dont. But I work, have two kids clean house cook etc.... he works nights and NEVER helps at all. If he was home he would leave the first chance he got. He wants to have sex every night. I told him I cannot do that no woman could. I know in the back of my mind that he will again, but I am hoping he does start trying and making me love him again then maybe he wont. He has cut off all contact with her. I know because I do have a lot of people watching him. She has been calling him at work and he is not returning her calls. She claims he ruined her life. I will not have the threesome, I think I just needed to know if thats what he wanted and neededsomeone else to tell me how dumb i was. Thanks for all your insight it feels good to talk with others!@!!!!
Mz. Pixie Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Okay, whoa- he needs to quit blaming his actions on you. He needs to be on his knees this quick after discovery begging you not to leave him. The fact that he's not- and that he agreed to the threesome is very troubling.
Author heartbrokenwifeof2 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Yes it is troubling and I KNOW in a few months he will stray again. I just hope this time I am smarter that way I can leave faster.
Recommended Posts