Shocked and Sad

[Confused x 100]

I have been reading alot of the messages here and think its a great place to get some advice so I thought I would write.I am in pretty tough and very different situation. I am involved with a married man( well was involved I should say) and I am also married. We met on the internet of all places and have been coommunicating for over a year and seen each other 3 times (we live in different states) Already complicated right? I recently found out that he has other relationships with people he met on the internet and these people all live near him. I wont go into how I know but I know 100%. I am totally shocked and incredibly sad that I read him so wrongly. we had an incredible relationship, talked every day,got along wonderfully, and I never ever distrusted him. As wrong as the relationship was with us being married it was good for both of us and made us both happy. We discussed many times our feelings for each other and that there was noone else in the picture so to be hit with all of this out of the blue was shocking to say the least.

Since letting him know I know about his other relationships( through e-mail) we have had no contact, I asked him to leave me alone and not contact me again and he hasnt even attempted to come clean, explain or anything. I am so mad and so hurt I am having just a tough time making it though the day without crying not to mention having a husband at home to try and hide the hurt from.

I have no idea what he is feeling, thinking, anything at this time, the silence is probably the best thing, I could never trust him again but eating at me as well.

Thanks in advance for any support or advice.

[quankanne]

I'm sorry that you had to learn the hard way, confused, but sometimes, when something sounds too good to be true – and he probably sounded wonderful when you first connected with thim – it often covers up a big ole lie.

 

nurse your wounds and walk away a sadder but wiser woman. In the meantime, funnel your efforts into fortifying your marriage, rather than seek out something in cyberspace. Because for all the problems your husband may represent, he's a three-dimensional being you at least have the advantage of knowing ...

[newbby]

thats the trouble with married cheating men, you cant trust them. i think that being a married woman you probably thought that his situation and feelings were the same as yours. whilst that is true of some mm, i think theres a fair few who are looking for as many ow as they can get. i used to be with a mm and the same thing happened. even though i shouldnt have been surprised, i was a bit shocked. you will soon see him for what he really is. it didnt take me long at all once i had seen his true colours, it is when you are in the dark enough for them to keep lying to you that you have a problem. you will ge over this soon. in the meantime, whats going on in your marriage that made you think you needed this om?

[Confused x 100]

Thanks, I know he's a jerk and I have to move on but it doesnt make it hurt any less.I guess what I am struggling with is after all we had how he can just walk away with nothing, no response, no explanation, no feelings..how about guilt?....how can that be...did I read the relationship completely wrong for a year? If thats the case I feel like such a idiot.

 

How do I move past wanting and needing to know..

[Adunaphel]

Ouch! I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

Since letting him know I know about his other relationships( through e-mail) we have had no contact, I asked him to leave me alone and not contact me again and he hasnt even attempted to come clean, explain or anything.

 

I think it is much better for you that he did not try to give you any bogus explanation - if he had done so, you would have been tempted to believe his lies again. This way, you will heal more quickly.

 

I am so mad and so hurt I am having just a tough time making it though the day without crying not to mention having a husband at home to try and hide the hurt from.

 

I am sorry that you can't even cry without your H wondering what is going on.

I am worried that you might feel like confessing everything to your H out of sadness (I know someone who would do such a thing, that's why I'm mentioning it). If you feel such an urge, to come clean with your H so that at least you feel free to cry, please do not do it.

It will be up to you whether to tell your H about the affair, but if you decide to do so it's better to do it when your emotions are under control.

 

 

I have no idea what he is feeling, thinking, anything at this time, the silence is probably the best thing, I could never trust him again but eating at me as well.

 

You are reading his silence as disinterest - but you already know he did not care much in the first place, or he would have not fed you all those lies.

 

He is probably realizing that he cannot save the relationship with you (which unfortunately to him is clearly nothing serious) - or I should say that he cannot keep you on the side any more with little effort.

 

At least you saw his true colors. You are devastated now, but soon you will probably start to feel angered. Then you will be more angered at him than sad. Then you will still be mad but will not miss him anymore. Then you'll heal.

[Adunaphel]

I forgot to add.... you are NOT an idiot.

how can that be...did I read the relationship completely wrong for a year? If thats the case I feel like such a idiot.

Some people are so used to lying that it comes natural to them - and if your mm has been able to get away with multiple cheating on his wife and feeding lies to you and (probably) a number of other women, then he is very good at it.

 

Being intelligent or smart is in many cases not enough not to get deceived.

[Confused x 100]

I know all of you are right, I just was too trusting I guess not to mention that I cant understand how someone can lie for that long and especially when we were together 3 times for a total of 15 days(enjoying way more than just sex) the connection was just really strong that I would have never though he could be doing this with other people. I guess part of me would love to believe his feelings for me were genuine and the others were just sex since they lived close and I was far away but who cares really, I dont want anyone that thinks like that anyway.My ego is really bruised at this point and that is a big downer. I know one of you said you had been in a similar situation before, I would love to hear your story if you feel like sharing.

 

Thanks again

[newbby]

hey some mm have tears in their eyes when they say "i love you", but it just means they are better actors than the others.

[Guest]

"I cant understand how someone can lie for that long..."

 

Haven't you been lying to your husband for just as long, not to mention he to his wife?

[lovernotafighter]

"I cant understand how someone can lie for that long..."

 

Haven't you been lying to your husband for just as long, not to mention he to his wife?

notice it's always the 'guest' with the smart ass answers?

[Confused x 100]

Thank you to all of you that have posted to try and help me through this difficult situation. It has been 16 days of no contact and I am starting to feel weak. I thought by now I would be so mad I wouldnt care but instead I still feel extrememly sad, not just that it happened but now because the longer I dont hear anything from him the more I am thinking he must have not cared about me at all if he doesnt atleast try. Any words of wisdom and encouragement would be appreciated, I surely dont want to cave at this point but I miss him.

[norajane]

I hope you have been using condoms with this guy...you might want to get tested for STD's regardless, because you really don't know if he's been careful with these other relationships.

 

As to how he can just walk away from you, well, it's not like you were the only woman in his life. He was seeing others, so he still has all of them to turn to, as well as his wife. He has been lying to all of the OW's and making them feel special, but not a one of them really is.

 

You should be angry with him for that. And you should also be taking a deeper look inside yourself and your marriage and why you fell for him in the first place.

[evanya08]

except its been tough & i know how u feel......sending lots fo healing vibes ur way & plenty of hugz.... be strong...u know u can...

[once removed]

Forgive him for being himself, and most of all forgive yourself for falling for it. That's what I had to do and it worked. I'm no longer hurting as much. Though at times it hurts. But forgiving is the first step.

 

The second is to choose to remove yourself from your marrige or to check back in. What do you want out of life?

[FallenPetals]

First I'm sorry you're going through however all you can do is look at it like a life lesson.

 

The thing about the internet is that you get to dialup or dsl in and you get to be whomever you want from day to day. Many people lie on the internet. It's a couple of factors. No face to face contact, maybe the person desires a new life and it's their outlet they're choosing to use, and many others. The list could go on and on.

 

However what I don't understand is why he would get involved with locals (seems more close to home and more dangerous). The reason he probably chose to get involved with you is because it's safer (you're in a different state). Men of this caliber are often manipulative liars. Lie about even the smallest trivial things. I'm saying some men not all men. My friend was involved with a MM and she too is married. The MM filled her full of emotional goodness, though the MM started to show some odd behaviorial patterns. Turns out that she wasn't the only one he was seeing. She texted him about two weeks ago because he text to see how she was. Wouldn't you know when she finally got around to texting him, his wife called her number immediately demanding to know who she was. She told the wife straight up, the wife told her that she didn't know about her but knew about several others he had been having a affair with where he worked. It's karma, it all comes back to bite people in the ass!

 

I would say get yourself immersed in your kids (if you have any), take up something new, stay busy, exercise, sing, dance, pottery, cleaning, kickboxing (tae bo?), anything to keep you busy. The feelings will wane. It takes awhile. Goodluck to you.

[Concerned for you]

Think about ow long the relationship could have lasted anyway. It was more then likely good sex but if he couldn't be honest with you why waste your time.

This isn't something I would share with my husband if I were you. Work through your feelings internally and move-on.

 

You have to determine what you are missing inside. Apparentely there is a void in your life that you think sex or antoehr relationship with someone else will work. Hey, been there done that and in the end if I can recommend let it all go know who you are inside. Even if things don't work out with your husband in the end at least you have an honest friend. Don't hurt him by telling him. Find you and believe me you will be a happier person.

 

What have driven me straight is my outer appearance. It thrills me when other men notice the weight I have lost the body I have however I don't want to jump into bed with them nor have any type of relationship. Once burned I learned. Please learn from this and realize that you have to control and protect you.

 

Take care

Since letting him know I know about his other relationships( through e-mail) we have had no contact, I asked him to leave me alone and not contact me again and he hasnt even attempted to come clean, explain or anything. I am so mad and so hurt I am having just a tough time making it though the day without crying not to mention having a husband at home to try and hide the hurt from.

I have no idea what he is feeling, thinking, anything at this time, the silence is probably the best thing, I could never trust him again but eating at me as well.

Thanks in advance for any support or advice.

[EnigmaXOXO]

… I cant understand how someone can lie for that long

 

 

But haven't you also been lying to your husband … for over a year??

 

:confused:

 

I don't think anyone can answer this question better than you can yourself. But it's bizarre to see how some people seem to have the ability to detach from and externalize their behavior in such a way that it's as if they're standing outside of themselves watching someone else live their deeds. They don't recognize their accountability ... but somehow feel unfairly treated or heaped upon when they're forced to face the consequences.

 

Maybe it's some sort of self protective function of the brain or psyche. (???) I don't know … but it's certainly fascinating!

[Guest]

I know all of you are right, I just was too trusting I guess not to mention that I cant understand how someone can lie for that long and especially when we were together 3 times for a total of 15 days(enjoying way more than just sex) the connection was just really strong that I would have never though he could be doing this with other people. I guess part of me would love to believe his feelings for me were genuine and the others were just sex since they lived close and I was far away but who cares really, I dont want anyone that thinks like that anyway.My ego is really bruised at this point and that is a big downer. I know one of you said you had been in a similar situation before, I would love to hear your story if you feel like sharing.

 

Thanks again

 

 

Some people are very good at 'compartmentalization'. Meaning, they can keep the various parts of their lives seperate.

 

He may actually have cared for you, but also was not willing to give himself over completely to this relationship. Having other relationships may have made him feel 'safe' and immune to pain.

 

It is not an excuse for him lying to you. But you should also not slam yourself or beat yourself up.

 

HE is the one with the issue. I am willing to hazard a guess that he is a actually a very lonely person who has no clue what true intimacy is. He probably loves the IDEA of love, but has little insight into what builds a loving relationship.

He is able to lie because he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He probably hates getting caught, but his value system is such that lying is a means to an end and he can justify lying.

 

HE is the one who is broken.

 

You my dear, unfortunately seem to have a broken marriage and a crushed heart. I would seperate from your spouse if you can and get into therapy. Immerse yourself in positive activities; work, volunteering, hobbies, pets, kids, church, anything.

 

GOod luck

[Confused x 100]

Thanks guys, I looked back my original post date and its been about 3 weeks and about 4 weeks of NC since the last e-mail when I busted his sorry ass...I am starting to slowly but surely have some good days which feels so great to have myself back, others are still sad and lonely and the tears still come which I know is normal.

 

The one thing that i am still struggling so much with is the fact that he has not tried contacting me at all. I know in my heart what we had could not have been faked for that long regardless of what he has done. Yes I did say leave me alone and Yes he is completely busted so to contact me would mean he would have to come clean completely so maybe its not worth it.

 

I would like a male perspective if I could on this situation, if you truely had deep feelings for someone and screwed up what would you do? By not contacting me does that mean he doesnt give a darn at all? If someone knows they are caught is it just easier to walk away than face the person and have to tell all? Does his heart not hurt at all over the loss? is there no gulit or remorse? I am just wondering how a man reacts to these types of situations.

 

Thanks

[Confused x 100]

Sorry ladies I didnt mean for my last post to sound like it was only directed at the guys, As much as I would like a man's perspective I definitely want to hear from you all as well..

 

Thanks:)