update

[usedanabused]

I feel like such an a** h**e how could I have been so stupid . I feel so so in pain right now . If you have read my earlier posts you will be able to follow this . My OW came back into my life back in February actually she started contacting me again in Dec 05 and Feb 06 I gave in and met her . she kept harping on the fact that she missed me , loved me and could not function without me in her life because I was her best friend and gave her the sex her husband could not . I had patched things up with my wife and was moving on but she eventually wore me down and got me to agree to meet her . The sex was incredible . How could have I fallen into that trap again . So fast forward to now Now after 6 months she is confused and just wants to call me when she feels like it and see me when it suits her desires . I feel so so used here and also feel like a slut . I have been a sshoulder for her to cry on have gone running for her when she needed me too . Things are going well for her at home because her husband now is spending money on apartment buildings and such and now she does not work at all and is living it up . So all of a sudden she is ignoring me and is being like a block of ice . I know I should just initiate no contact and move on but it hurts so bad because i actually fell back in love with her . I though I was smarter than this I am 45 years old for crying out loud and should no better . I am at my wits end I am finding iot hard to just move on because she is like an addiction . I have a wonderful wife and family and do not know why I even got back involved with this woman . I need to have my dam head examined or something . One day she talks about a future and the next day she is the ice queen . Please feel free to flame me because I am thinking maybe I need to have some sense kicked into me . Do not know what to do from here as I am hurting and not thinking clearly . Thanks for letting me vent

[lover's rock]

I just read your post and your previous threads concerning your situation. Want a kick in the behind? You deserve to lose your family. Simple as that. You've continuously betrayed your wife because of sex with another woman when you yourself has said that she doesn't deserve this. It's not like now you are cheating because you are being ignored by your wife. Now you are a liar and a cheat by choice. You don't deserve any more chances and if your wife finds out this time you will lose the "wonderful wife and family".

 

It's clear that you don't want that wonderful wife and family anyway. Is this MW worth destroying and devastating your family? You must think so.

[Walking away]

He who is without sin can cast the first stone.

 

Go talk to someone professional. This is an addiction that you cannot break with the MW. You know what you need to do: NC. Easier said than done, I know. I have been there. Still doing it.

 

You are human. You made mistakes. We all have. Now, change things. Change for the better. Leopards CAN change their spots. I know some who did. You can too.

 

Pick up the pieces, move on, never look back, straighten up, and save your marriage.

 

Best of luck

 

WA

[whichwayisup]

Your MW treats you like that because you let her. She knows how to push your buttons and say the right things so you'll fall back into her arms.

 

You have SO much to lose! Is this woman worth risking your marriage over? You wanna lose your wife and kids? Everything that you are used to and comfortable with in your life?

 

Does your wife know you're in and out of an affair?

[yesmaybe]

Ditto what walking away wrote.

 

Have you gone to therapy with your wife?

 

Something that may help - everytime you think of MW, immediately think of her in the most unflattering situation. And then mentally cover her in disgusting stuff (pus, feces, etc.). This will help you feel disgusted when you think of her.

[lover's rock]

I don't mean to sound without compassion but he did ask for a kick.

 

I think that some Individual counseling would do some help too. I understand what you are going through. It's hard when you have feelings for someone to just shut them off regardless of what a jerk they are. But look into your wife's eyes. Look into your children's eyes. Let that be your motivation. Stand up and be the man your family needs.

[usedanabused]

No my wife does not realize this woman has come back in my life and I am hoping and praying I can get myself free of her . I think she is an addiction and yes when she comes on to me she is so so hard to resist. My wife is not very touchy feely person and rarely gets in the mood for sex but will let me have sex whenever I want it . However this woman will do anything you see her husband is like my wife has no interest . So thats how we clicked I guess. I just need to get this woman out of my life once and for all .. I have not been to any marriage counseling with my wife because when were discovered I told my wife and we spent days and hours talking about how we can fix things and we were/are on our way . I do not want to loose my family I just need to tell this woman see ya once and for all . I thank all of you who have replied . I think I am going crazy here how can you love two people at the same time ? How is this possible ? Is it really love ? This woman is toxic to my health .

[newbby]

you said you were getting closer to your wife again. nothing has changed except that the ow is temporarily back in your thoughts. she has only driven you crazy because she turned cold on you and you feel like you risked alot to go with her again after all the work you put into getting close to your wife again. the fact is still that you were the one to risk it. what did you risk it for? what did you think would happen with the ow? did you think the a would carry on forever? if you could have had this, can you honestly say that you would have done it without feeling guilty, and possibly calling it off at some point? i think it is just the rejection that has warped your perspective. get things back into order, and do not contact the ow again. at least now you know gow bad the whole a is for you.

[usedanabused]

First I do not know why I risked everything to be around her again . I feel like an Idiot for the fact I risked this . Am I crazy or what there was absolutely no reason in this world for me to even get near her again my life at home was going wonderful . What the hell is wrong with me ? I never even gave any thought as to where this would go with the other woman . I really cannot say what I was thinking . Like I said I should know better . The only thing I can say is she was saying what I neede to hear at the time but now she has turned cold and now I am quite thye fool . I am hurting badly right now how could I have let those feelings for her resurface I had them safely put behind me at one point and even despised her for a while now look at me !! Sometimes I feel like I am crazy or something . I am afraid in a week or two she is goiung to spring back to being all loving or at least until her husband gives her a hard way to go . They have a love /hate thing going on for 13 years .

[newbby]

maybe it was purely self destructive. maybe you dont feel you deserve for everything to be going good with your wife and you subconsciously tried to sabbotage it. who knows??

but whatever it is, get over the affair, including all the guilt, stop kicking yourself for risking it again, just be relieved that it didnt last too long and dont ever do it again. make it up to your wife by letting it all go, and not doing it again. sont contact the ow, and change all your contact details so she cannot contact you.

move on.

[usedanabused]

Here are my thoughts for an immediate plan of action

1) I will be sending all calls to voicemail

2) I will not be responding to text messages

3) I will not go within 100 yards of her if I see her in public

 

I will try to be strong after all when she misses me then she will get relentless so I will do this immediately I will post back tommorow and update my update . Thank you all for your responses I cannot think straight here

[whichwayisup]

No my wife does not realize this woman has come back in my life and I am hoping and praying I can get myself free of her . I think she is an addiction and yes when she comes on to me she is so so hard to resist. My wife is not very touchy feely person and rarely gets in the mood for sex but will let me have sex whenever I want it . However this woman will do anything you see her husband is like my wife has no interest . So thats how we clicked I guess. I just need to get this woman out of my life once and for all .. I have not been to any marriage counseling with my wife because when were discovered I told my wife and we spent days and hours talking about how we can fix things and we were/are on our way . I do not want to loose my family I just need to tell this woman see ya once and for all . I thank all of you who have replied . I think I am going crazy here how can you love two people at the same time ? How is this possible ? Is it really love ? This woman is toxic to my health .

 

Did your wife know before? Because maybe you need to tell your wife...

 

Have you and your wife gone to marriage counselling? Because if she (your wife) isn't meeting certain needs, you're going to continue to seek those needs from someone else...

 

You may care about the MW, but I think you're mixing up your feelings of sexual desire, lust and extreme attraction towards her for love. Love is long lasting, compromise, choosing to love the person you're with. Sounds like you have alot of feelings for the MW, but she IS toxic to you - A cancer to you and your marriage.

 

You gotta be strong and just tell this woman it's over and stick to your guns. If you cave again, she has all the control over you.

 

Go to marriage counselling, talk to your wife. You're not as happy as you could be - Which is why the MW is so appealing to you...

 

One day she talks about a future and the next day she is the ice queen . Please feel free to flame me because I am thinking maybe I need to have some sense kicked into me . Do not know what to do from here as I am hurting and not thinking clearly .

 

You also could try some one on one therapy...Seeing as you say you're not thinking clearly, talking about it will help you get through this and change your thinking patterns. This MW is like an addiction to you and you must get her OUT of your blood for good.

 

Send her ONE email. Make sure SHE understands this is the last time she'll hear from you, ever again. And that you won't be answering her calls or replying to her emails....Say goodbye and end it. Move on and don't look back. If you can't do that, then I hate to say it, but your life is going to be like this for a long time and you'll probably end up losing your family.

[Umtata]

The BEST way to get her to back off is to tell her husband.

 

If you are too scared (it aint love for her.. its distaste for yourself when you coninute a behaviour that hurts) - tell her that her next attempt at contact will result in you telling her husband. Put it in writing. Show her the document you´ll send him. remind her you and your wife are built of stronger stuff when you work together and thats what you plan on doing form this point onwards.

 

MEAN IT!

 

long term solution? Tell your wife the truth and start some real healing. If your first method worked you wouldnt be back in this position - try a new tactic.

[newbby]

disagree. its up to her to tell her h if she wants to. he should only tell her h if he thinks it would be fine for her to tell his w. even the single people who have been tricked and lied into an affair shouldnt tell imo.

[whichwayisup]

Well, his wife MIGHT get intouch with the husband. That is the other possibility that could happen.

[usedanabused]

Ok just an update where I am . I got up this morning feeling a lot better about this and feel like I can go on with no contact . I know she is toxic and I need to keep that train of thought . I am not hurting I kind of feeling foolish however she sent a text last nite saying she needed to go into hospital for surgery ( Hysterectomy) . First I heard of this . I just assumed it was a ploy to get me to feel sorry for her or something anyhow i diod not respond .

To answer an earlier question her husband discovered us the first time and told my wife so my wife knows about her we were all friends at one point but not so anymore . However my wife has been scared to death she will reappear and she has . However she has no clue I even talked to her this is why now more then ever she has to get out my life for good . The way I am feeling this morning I can make this happen. Thank you for all your responses I will update later because I m sure she will contact me today because this is unlike me not to respond to her and this will make her crazy over the next couple of days .

[whichwayisup]

Okay, well one option right now is, completely come clean with your wife and tell her that you two have been incontact. I'm sure she'd rather hear it from you than the MW's husband. If he finds out, he WILL call your wife...As difficult as it may be for you to tell your wife, do it! Maybe it's also the only way you can completely cut ties with the MW.

 

As for her surgery, telling you - Yes, that was a definate plan to make sure she's in your thoughts, so you would worry about her.

 

Sooner or later you MUST get to a point where whatever goes on in her life shouldn't matter to you at all. No contact is your bestfriend right now!

 

You need to send her ONE final email and that is goodbye. If you don't do this she'll try to keep contacting you.

[usedanabused]

Ok she called this morning and in a moment of weakness I answered the conversation was kind of cold but effective . She tells me she needs to work on her marriage and does not have time for a boyfriend in her life but me knowing her this long and going back to the first time she has her sights set on someone new . I would bet my life on it . She tries to be the victim but she is a serial cheater. So I am hoping she just goes away on her now if she tries to call or text I will not have any contact with her at all . I will have to be the strong one here because I will tell you as soon as things get rough at home she will come looking for some loving and she is not getting it from me anymore . wwiu thank you for your advice and everyone elses too but I think I will just keep this to myself and get free of her and prepare myself for when she tries to contact me I may change my cell number so she cannot get hold of me and if she calls at work I will hang up is all . I am going to try no contact at all now and hope like hell she goes away and becomes a thorn in someone elses side . FYI this is the same exact song and dance she gave me last time and returned 10 months or so later and like an idiot I fell for it this time with God's help I will run not walk as fast as I can from her . I will update my post if she tries to text or call .

[usedanabused]

First let me start by saying I am feeling so much better and am now thinking a little more clearly. She has made no attempt to contact me which actually I welcome at this point. I have come to realize a few things over the last couple of days . First I chose to let this woman back into my life when I knew better so this in itself makes me responsible for getting hurt . Secondly

I chose to let her treat me the way she did because I would never allow anyone else to treat me poorly why Her ? So nay and all grief I have experienced is actually my fault . I know I was hurt because basically I brought this on myself . Now I know what it is I need to do is keep her the hell away from me . It has taken three days for me to actually come to this realization and I will be getting stronger each day . Thanks to everyone who responded . I am not saying I have not been hurting still but I am looking at this so much differently because I am the on who is actually responsible for everything thats happened to me . I am the only one who can make that change . So thats what I must do change it .

[whichwayisup]

Excellent! In those few days of NC again your mind is thinking more clearly now and making more sense.

 

You are right, you're the only one who can change things and by doing that you MUST be incontrol of your thoughts and feelings. The longer you don't talk to her, the better off you will be. Get stronger and be able to NOT fall back into old habits with her...You'll eventually care less about her, her thoughts, her feelings and what goes on in her life. She's not your concern, but your wife is.