Issue with "no spark" but love each other

[WestCoastLeigh]

So, BF and I met the end of 2004. We hit it off immediately. We had so much in common and just bonded emotionally. We "get" each other. BUT, since the beginning we've both admitted that sex isn't "all that". We're both very sensual, sexual people and we both love sex. I have to admit that I defnitely have stronger sexual feelings for him, moreso than he has for me. HOWEVER, he's never "gone soft" or not been able to perform with me. On the contrary, even when he gives me a peck and a hug, I feel him get hard against me, even in public. Yet, he maintains that he "doesn't feel a spark with me".

 

We both feel that we truly are meant to be together. We have never been happier with anyone else. When we met, we were both career-driven single (never married) independent people. We both enjoyed our time alone, even while in relationships and BOTH of us agreed in the beginning that we preferred sleeping alone. From the FIRST night we spent the night together, we sleep all wrapped up like two pretzels, all night long (neither of us ever did that before). We have NEVER even had an argument in almost 2 years. We PREFER to spend every spare moment together and moved in together in August 2005 (10 months after we met). We have been deliriously happy. We talk deeply often and share our innermost feelings.

 

But the bottom line is, this "spark" issue seems to be tearing us apart. It is the only thing that upsets both of us. Now a note (would appreciate the guys opinions on this), I am 5'9" and when we met I was about 175 pounds. Now I'm about 158 and dropping steadily. I do look much better than I did when we met. But oddly enough, the sexual issue seems a bit worse. NOW, it's about how I feel about myself. I feel horribly that he says he doesn't have a "spark" for me. Yet, w have always continued to have sex on a regular basis. I am VERY insecure with my body and refuse to ever even be naked in front of him. I told him when i hit my "goal" weight, I'll be better. He says that my insecurity is what is causing our sexual issues. I THINK it is my weight that he is not attracted to. EVERY previous girlfriend he's had, was rail thin. So, maybe that's what he's attracted to and that's OKAY with me, but I feel I need to be that for him. AND of course, I DO want to lose the weight simply to be healthy. I'm working out regularly and eating right and feel great.

 

Well, we broke up the first week in July. However, the only thing that has changed is no sex. We still sleep together cuddling every night and I still cook every night and we still work out together. We haven't discussed getting back together, but I HAVE suggested I go sleep in my own room and he says no, he likes sleeping with me. I'm very concerned that now in 6 weeks, he hasn't even approached me for sex. I just think that's weird (he still gets hard when we hug, etc.), but he is a SWEET guy and I think he is simply being respectful. We hae both agreed that this break-up may not be "for good", so we've agreed to remain living together.

 

Bottom line is, since the break-up, I am utterly devasted. I cannot imagine for one moment, being with any other man...ever. No one gets me like he does.

 

I talked about moving away and he CRIED. Said he can't imagine his life without me in it and that he loves me so much he would die for me. He said he wants to be "best friends" forever. And I'm thinking, if you love me THAT much, then why the hell are we broken up?!?!

 

One last note, I ahve had 3 LTR's in my life, all between 1 and 3 years long. His longest relationship before meeting me was 3 months. So, I THINK that his definition of a spark is simply what he has experiences in the past, which is the honeymoon period.

 

Sorry so long. I'm desperate for opinions and advice. Does anyone think that when I lose the weight it will make a difference. I know someone should love someone else for the inside, but I DO THINK that the outside is a huge factor as well, even in an LTR. He is HOT and always has been. 6'4", 265, muscular. He takes very good care of himself. Anyway, I'm HOPING that this has to do with ME, because I can fix myself, whether it's imply being a healthier weight, getting over my self image issues, etc. But I can't fix him. I can't imagine not being with him romantically and marrying him and having children with him. He is truly the love of my life, so I'm finding it impossible to let go. So is he by the way. Originally we agreed to continue to live together because we're in a lease. NOW, he's even talking about extending the lease! Why? I'm confused. He says he wants to only be best friends and he doesn't want to be together romantically, but his actions speak completely the opposite, from cuddling together all the time (when I don't want to cuddle, it hurts his feelings and he accuses me of being "mad" at him). We haven't had intercourse since we broke up, but we're having oral all the time. And oddly enough, it's better than it ever was when we were dating. Weird.

 

HELP!

[silentcharon]

So, BF and I met the end of 2004. We hit it off immediately. We had so much in common and just bonded emotionally. We "get" each other. BUT, since the beginning we've both admitted that sex isn't "all that". We're both very sensual, sexual people and we both love sex. I have to admit that I defnitely have stronger sexual feelings for him, moreso than he has for me. HOWEVER, he's never "gone soft" or not been able to perform with me. On the contrary, even when he gives me a peck and a hug, I feel him get hard against me, even in public. Yet, he maintains that he "doesn't feel a spark with me".

 

We both feel that we truly are meant to be together. We have never been happier with anyone else. When we met, we were both career-driven single (never married) independent people. We both enjoyed our time alone, even while in relationships and BOTH of us agreed in the beginning that we preferred sleeping alone. From the FIRST night we spent the night together, we sleep all wrapped up like two pretzels, all night long (neither of us ever did that before). We have NEVER even had an argument in almost 2 years. We PREFER to spend every spare moment together and moved in together in August 2005 (10 months after we met). We have been deliriously happy. We talk deeply often and share our innermost feelings.

 

But the bottom line is, this "spark" issue seems to be tearing us apart. It is the only thing that upsets both of us. Now a note (would appreciate the guys opinions on this), I am 5'9" and when we met I was about 175 pounds. Now I'm about 158 and dropping steadily. I do look much better than I did when we met. But oddly enough, the sexual issue seems a bit worse. NOW, it's about how I feel about myself. I feel horribly that he says he doesn't have a "spark" for me. Yet, w have always continued to have sex on a regular basis. I am VERY insecure with my body and refuse to ever even be naked in front of him. I told him when i hit my "goal" weight, I'll be better. He says that my insecurity is what is causing our sexual issues. I THINK it is my weight that he is not attracted to. EVERY previous girlfriend he's had, was rail thin. So, maybe that's what he's attracted to and that's OKAY with me, but I feel I need to be that for him. AND of course, I DO want to lose the weight simply to be healthy. I'm working out regularly and eating right and feel great.

 

Well, we broke up the first week in July. However, the only thing that has changed is no sex. We still sleep together cuddling every night and I still cook every night and we still work out together. We haven't discussed getting back together, but I HAVE suggested I go sleep in my own room and he says no, he likes sleeping with me. I'm very concerned that now in 6 weeks, he hasn't even approached me for sex. I just think that's weird (he still gets hard when we hug, etc.), but he is a SWEET guy and I think he is simply being respectful. We hae both agreed that this break-up may not be "for good", so we've agreed to remain living together.

 

Bottom line is, since the break-up, I am utterly devasted. I cannot imagine for one moment, being with any other man...ever. No one gets me like he does.

 

I talked about moving away and he CRIED. Said he can't imagine his life without me in it and that he loves me so much he would die for me. He said he wants to be "best friends" forever. And I'm thinking, if you love me THAT much, then why the hell are we broken up?!?!

 

One last note, I ahve had 3 LTR's in my life, all between 1 and 3 years long. His longest relationship before meeting me was 3 months. So, I THINK that his definition of a spark is simply what he has experiences in the past, which is the honeymoon period.

 

Sorry so long. I'm desperate for opinions and advice. Does anyone think that when I lose the weight it will make a difference. I know someone should love someone else for the inside, but I DO THINK that the outside is a huge factor as well, even in an LTR. He is HOT and always has been. 6'4", 265, muscular. He takes very good care of himself. Anyway, I'm HOPING that this has to do with ME, because I can fix myself, whether it's imply being a healthier weight, getting over my self image issues, etc. But I can't fix him. I can't imagine not being with him romantically and marrying him and having children with him. He is truly the love of my life, so I'm finding it impossible to let go. So is he by the way. Originally we agreed to continue to live together because we're in a lease. NOW, he's even talking about extending the lease! Why? I'm confused. He says he wants to only be best friends and he doesn't want to be together romantically, but his actions speak completely the opposite, from cuddling together all the time (when I don't want to cuddle, it hurts his feelings and he accuses me of being "mad" at him). We haven't had intercourse since we broke up, but we're having oral all the time. And oddly enough, it's better than it ever was when we were dating. Weird.

 

HELP!

 

He basically wants you two to be a couple minus the commitment. Are you willing to settle for that? I couldn't.

 

And I'm thinking, if you love me THAT much, then why the hell are we broken up?!?!

 

You're right in asking yourself that question. Do yourself a favor and just move out. Keep working out if you want, but don't do it for him, do it for YOU. Of course, it's impossible to let go when you're still living with him. Move out and see where things go from there!

[Guest]

Have you ever consider the fact that he may be asking himself some question about his sexual orientation? I know you mentionned that he had a hard on when you both cuddles but sometimes, sexual orientation is not all white or black... Actually I don't remember what's his name but there's a famous psy who once says that everyone was bisexual to some level.... In his case, if he's confused he might be, for example at a 50/50 ratio... That might prevent him from having sexual intercourse with you because he might feel guilty about those questions he ask himself. If that's the case, he probably love you deeply as a friend but he might be feeling guilty for not being in love with you. Just a thought?

[norajane]

I really have no idea what's going on with you two.

 

Spark is a chemical attraction...after two years, it's generally not the same as it was in the beginning. Yes, your insecurity is probably highly unattractive - you won't get naked with him?? That's going to be a turn-off to most men. If that spark was there when you met and you were heavier, it's not likely that your weight is the turn-off, though your attitude about yourself probably is. He sees that and wonders if it's him that you're not attracted to (though his ego won't let him really admit that to you or yourself). In turn, that makes him less interested in initiating sex and/or makes it easier for him to back off it.

 

You can't break up and live together. Oral sex IS sex. What's the difference if you're not actually having intercourse? Oral sex can be just as, if not more, intimate than intercourse.

 

You both need to get a little realistic and more honest and open about what's going on between you. It's like you have all the ingredients, but you aren't blending them together to make anything, you're just sifting through them and discarding things and bringing them back in and telling yourselves you can't cook.

 

You have to work up the courage to ask him all these questions you're asking us. And do it in a calm, relaxed way. Personally, I'd open up a bottle of wine and tell him your relationship is the funniest thing you've ever known. And tell him how silly you think you're being about your weight worries, and how nervous you both must be about commitment and intimacy that you're acting this way. And take it from there. Make it a team effort to identify your issues and work on solving them in small steps...don't make it a me vs. him thing.

[amaysngrace]

it's not likely that your weight is the turn-off, though your attitude about yourself probably is.

 

 

Norajane is completely right. This is about you, how you feel about yourself. You seem to think that once you achieve your weight goal, you will be the sexual prowless you hope to become...wrong. It isn't about the weight on your body, buy rather something that is weighing on your mind.

 

You have an issue that is interfering with how you view yourself. And it's rearing it's ugly head in the intimacy department. I think you need to address it and accept whatever that blockage is before you can fully be who you are meant to be.

[DeeBrod83]

I totally agree that it has much more to do with you being uncomfortable with yourself than him not liking the way you look. You need to do something that makes you feel sexy. Losing weight is good, don't get me wrong, but it won't fix your self image. You fix that from the inside. Take a long bath, do all your grooming (hair, nails, shaving, whatever) buy something you feel awesome in and try to relax. He wouldn't be with you if he wasn't attracted to you and understand that you are hot!! Understand you can only fix self-esteem problems yourself, and having a little extra weight is a hellava lot more attractive, than a woman afraid of her own body.

Also, you guys seriously need to talk, just like everyone else seems to be saying. If you have something so special you need to try and save it. Maybe you SO is scared of the commitment that's obviously new to him with you, and he's unsure how to express that. IMO the physical stuff is a side effect of the emotional. Yeah, you can have sex and be attacted to someone you have no feelings for, but being with someone you love is a whole different and amazing feeling. If you have all the right building blocks, you guys just need to work together to make your foundation as strong as possible! Communication is your best tool; without it you're fighting a losing battle. Good luck to you!

[Outcast]

He gets horny from just giving you a peck and cried at the thought of losing you. WTF does this guy think a 'spark' is???? Have you ever asked him?