serial muse Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 hi y'all. i've been wondering about something so i thought i'd canvass the folks here about it to maybe get some insight. so. dating through the personals. as anyone knows who does it, one of the delightful features of online dating is that you can tell when someone last logged in to check their profile mail, scout around, etc etc. which is bad for the obsessive types, because if you've been on a few dates with someone and then you see them back online, you have the opportunity to wonder what the heck they're doing, are they more interested in somebody else, etc etc. generally the way online dating goes for me (and, i assume, for most people) is that i'll be chatting with a few people, and then if there's something there we switch to our personal email addies and/or to the phone, and then, hopefully before too long, we meet. so there are several people initially, but that gets a little tiring to keep up with, so eventually you sort of trim down to those you like the most, and those are the ones you meet. so it kind of goes in batches, and ultimately there's usually just one person at a time that i really like and want to get to know more. so, here's my question. i get really conscious, at that point, that the person i like can see when i'm online (and vice versa). and i've taken to wondering how guys, in particular, think about that. does it bug them to see that the women they've been chatting with most are still online every day or so? or do they take it in stride, because they know everyone's still dating around? i ask because i find that when i really like someone, i've started to kind of make a point of not logging in so much, not just because i'm trying to focus on that person, but also because i guess i'm trying to send them a message that - hey, i like you. but i don't know if other people think about it that way, or if i should even bother worrying about it. i don't want to discourage someone i like (because when i see someone i like online, i know i get discouraged) but i also don't want to pretend like i think we're already hitched, either. i mean, it's not like i think that anyway - i just want to be encouraging. thoughts? i know i'm waaay overthinking this. but i'd still like some feedback - from the fellas or the ladies.
Rikka Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I don't know. When I was doing the online dating thing, I don't think i really paid attention to that. I know that, like you, i had several communications on the go, and I just expected others to be doing the same. Funny story (a bit OT, but still mildly relevant). So I am doing teh email communications with a few different people. One guy had suggested we get together for coffee in the near future. I said that sounded great. But the two of us were unable to get our schedules together. Meanwhile, I happened to go out with some friends and ended up meeting my current bf. So I start the task of informing my correspondants that I am no longer available. When I got back to "coffee guy", he got very angry with me and accused me of leading him on an lying to him, because he had asked me if i was "with someone' when we started corresponding. I tried explaining to him that I just met someone and that when did did start corresponding, I wasn't with someone. He was still angry with me and sent me an email letting me know that he was deleting all my contact information and would like to not hear from me again. (how's that for bad online dating ettiquite)
Author serial muse Posted August 22, 2006 Author Posted August 22, 2006 yeah, i'm surprised by the amount of bitterness you can encounter - i mean, it's one thing if someone's been actively lying to you. but the whole point is that you're dating and looking - as uncomfortable as it is, that's kind of the game. it sucks when someone's your first choice and you aren't theirs...but it happens all the time; c'est la vie. i'll say this, though - people should really think twice before letting their bitterness over something like that show. not pretty. it's one thing to blast someone for being an out-and-out snake, but otherwise, the ONLY way to meet rejection is with a polite thank you, it was nice talking to you. bitter replies will only haunt you like sad little ghosts. i've never yet given one, thank God, but i have tried to take that lesson from the people i've been in touch with...the guys who were polite and upbeat are the ones i still respect and would consider dating if the timing were right. and i want to be that girl, too. but back to my original question - anybody have any thoughts on this? i guess i'm surprised (but glad) to hear that you didn't really pay attention to that, rikka. but does anyone else?
alphamale Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 you're putting the cart before the horse here, SM....it is only once you've both decided to become an exclusive couple that both of you should disable your accounts. This should occur 3 to 6 months after you first date. Got it?
Author serial muse Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 hiya alpha. just to clarify - i'm not talking about actually disabling or turning off the thing (i know that if the guy were to do that i'd feel rather pressured and i'm sure vice versa). it's still up for all to see. i'm more talking about the "feeling out" stage (dirty ), where no one's making any commitments or anything but everyone's wondering what the other person's up to the rest of the time. and one of the weird things about online dating is that you have a bit more information about that than is probably strictly good for you. ah, l'amour!
alphamale Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 hiya alpha. just to clarify - i'm not talking about actually disabling or turning off the thing (i know that if the guy were to do that i'd feel rather pressured and i'm sure vice versa). it's still up for all to see. i'm more talking about the "feeling out" stage (dirty ), where no one's making any commitments or anything but everyone's wondering what the other person's up to the rest of the time. and one of the weird things about online dating is that you have a bit more information about that than is probably strictly good for you. ah, l'amour! Until you both make a commitment or have a mutual understanding then you can both do whatever you want.
TheSilentType Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 He was still angry with me and sent me an email letting me know that he was deleting all my contact information and would like to not hear from me again. (how's that for bad online dating ettiquite) His response was not all that unreasonable. How was he to believe you? I mean, one minute you're free and the very next minute you are seeing someone....in such a short time? Yeah, I would feel like I'd been lied to and I'd have dropped you... As long as he didn't call you names....he was not out of line and it was not rude
Author serial muse Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Until you both make a commitment or have a mutual understanding then you can both do whatever you want. His response was not all that unreasonable. How was he to believe you? I mean, one minute you're free and the very next minute you are seeing someone....in such a short time? Yeah, I would feel like I'd been lied to and I'd have dropped you... So here we have the two opposing viewpoints. Hm. To reiterate, my initial question was whether men (or women) would be discouraged to know (basically, have it thrust in their face) that someone they've been on several dates with (or are just very interested in) is still dating around. Of course, de facto, that's going to happen - but the question was about kind of having it front and center and out in the open, as it were. So I guess you guys are basically saying that it's going to vary widely from person to person. So I might as well do what I want, since there's no way to predict what people will do. Oh well, I guess it always comes back to that same answer. Sigh... p.s. Thanks for keepin' it real, alpha. You always do!
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