JackJack Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 OK this is a spin off of another thread. Do you see your marraige as in, you give me what I want/need and I'll give you what you want/need. Kind of like you scratch my back I'll scratch yours? Really to me that is part of what marraige or a relationship is about right? Sacrficing? Doing for your spouse etc. However, what about those people who feel they give and give to their relationship but get nothing in return? Does it bother you? Are you one of these people who enjoy doing things for your spouse from the goodness of your heart and expect nothing in return? Of course we all like doing things for others but sometimes it would be nice to get something from our spouse in return. A kind word, a card, a hug, a pat on the back or just plain respect period. How long would you continue to give to your pouse or hold up your end of the marriage deal to give what you need in your marriage, before you felt enough was enough because you're not getting anything in return? What is drawing line for you?
hotgurl Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I see marraige as a fluid give and take situation. Sometimes I give more and sometimes he may give more. Also what we give can be different ie. financial help, chores, dinner out, kind words. But I feel it's really loose and free flowing and balances out. That being said if it's not balanced resesntment can build. And I think it is the day to day things that wear on you. Like chores. never ending laundry, etc...
Asafan Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I have to say I really like being married to my wife. Even though it is sometimes hard work and a struggle as of late, we really do have a good thing, especially after reading so much of the stuff on this board. I find that when my wife gives to me, I want to give back to her. It flows naturally to and from each other, and we are very in tune. I'm trying to think of specifics, but there are so many little things that we try to do for one another, and it is just so natural, I can't put my finger on it specifically.
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 What hurts is when you enjoy scratching their back, and they don't even bother to hold their shirt up! I can't just give and give, I have needs, too. And the funny thing is that we have problems about the things that cost him nothing to try and please me and mean so much to me. And he is always right. Actually he is not always right, but he is never wrong. He can't comprehend that stating that you're not perfect, but acting like you believe you are is not enough; you have to be aware of your imperfections and work on them. He tells me to concentrate on the big picture, not on the little things. I told him that next time he asks me to fly with him, I'll tell him to concentrate on the big picture, not flying! Same with making him a sandwich: "Honey, you're not going to die due to starvation; concentrate on the big picture!"
a4a Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 How long would you continue to give to your pouse or hold up your end of the marriage deal to give what you need in your marriage, before you felt enough was enough because you're not getting anything in return? What is drawing line for you? one year. Funny you know if you are late paying a bill you worry.... you know it will detract from your future ability to attain credit. You know it may even cause your interest rates to go up. But people do not think marriage is as important as their credit rating. They use credit in the marriage, reach their limit and never bother to pay the bill. 30 days past due 90 days past due 120 days past due then charge off (disengage from the relationship) then the collection agency later comes a judgement (I think?) which is divorce. :lmao:
Tatara Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I met my husband 11 years ago, we've been together for 7 years, and married for 5 years (Aug. 28th is our anniversary and can you beleive I forgot but he didn't? He asked me what I wanted to do, and honestly I have no idea - oooo thread starter idea!) What I see in my marriage is two people who act like 1 person. We're both very understanding, open and honest. We just clicked, ever since we met as youngins. It is by all accounts perfect. Now I don't mean that we don't have problems - just that we've learned and we love each other too much to let them get in the way of us. So much is my marriage perfect that I often wonder and fear everything I hear about marriage, maybe I work extra hard at it because of this fear? Never do I hear much good being spoken (not here on the forums, but I mean in everyday life, on TV/radio, everywhere!) in refferance to marriage. I really wish we could get a little more positivity and less joking around about how much of a ball-n-chain spouses are. I realize its mostly in fun - but I'm a little uptight I guess
Asafan Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 one year. Funny you know if you are late paying a bill you worry.... you know it will detract from your future ability to attain credit. You know it may even cause your interest rates to go up. But people do not think marriage is as important as their credit rating. They use credit in the marriage, reach their limit and never bother to pay the bill. 30 days past due 90 days past due 120 days past due then charge off (disengage from the relationship) then the collection agency later comes a judgement (I think?) which is divorce. :lmao: That is a wonderful analogy a4.
quankanne Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I see mine as give and take, as hotgurl describes. Have to admit that it's been easier after our retreat weekend nearly 10 years ago, because we learned how to communicate more effectively. That's not to say some days we're not thinking of whacking at each other with sticks, but for the most part, we're on the same playing field. And if we do disagree, there's an understanding that it has nothing to do with the love we have for each other. before the retreat, though, I was ready to throw in the towel because I felt I'd exhausted all my options in trying to get through to him and I was frustrated as hell. What is drawing line for you? oh, there's a definite line in the sand when it comes to the issue of abuse. I love him dearly, but I'm not going to get so wrapped up in someone that I feel I must suffer mentally, physically or emotionally at that person's hands.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Gosh, I stayed over three years in my first marriage when I wasn't getting what I needed. Now it's not an issue. I'm committed to being with this man forever but I won't be abused in any way. I see it as Hotgurl- give in take. Some days I give more and he takes- others I do. A good marriage should balance each other.
HokeyReligions Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 He kills the bugs & I do the laundry. If he gets mad at me because I've sounded the bug-alert while he's watching TV, I don't wash his underwear that week. We meet each others needs that way. As for love? Well, complacency has its good points too!
stoopid_guy Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 For me, she's the mother of my child and a housekeeper. For her, I'm an income, a cook, and a handy-man. Complacency is driving me insane.
Outcast Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Do you see your marraige as in, you give me what I want/need and I'll give you what you want/need. Kind of like you scratch my back I'll scratch yours? Really to me that is part of what marraige or a relationship is about right? Sacrficing? Doing for your spouse etc. I think that's an excellent question to ask someone before you decide to marry that person. However, as some people said, it's not a pair of scorecards that you use to make sure that each person does his or her share. People usually feel moved to return favours - including ones done by their SOs. If your SO takes and doesn't give, time to have a discussion. However, be ABSOLUTELY sure that in your score-keeping, you're not giving yourself extra bonus points for things and completely forgetting things which are done for you because you've gotten used to them. I've had people complain to me that I wasn't doing things and when I gave a list of what I had done, they realized they hadn't been paying attention or started getting used to all the stuff.
quankanne Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 People usually feel moved to return favours - including ones done by their SOs. good point, esp. regarding marriage. People who keep score sometimes become so obsessed by what they're giving, that they don't see what they receive, and it becomes a point of argument. I think the longer you're with someone and the more you become accustomed to that person's ways, you stop keeping tally ("I did this, but he didn't do that ... she forgot this, so I'll get her back and forget such and such"), and you just start doing things out of love, care and respect for the other. it's really easy to get in a snit about things that end up as trivial shxt, and over look the nice things (not putting an emphasis on a certain holiday versus filling up the car for your wife when you noticed the tank's getting low). While the flowers and cards and candy are nice, it's wonderful not having to worry about making sure you've got enough gas to get across town because you're pressed for time! I guess you'd call it the art of compromise, where often you give things a second look and learn to adjust!
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