justice Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Even though I knew nearly 95% of what had happened with my H and the Ow I still had this awful, hurtful feeling in the pit of my stomach that he had not told me everything. Sure enough, he hadn't. I found out at the end of last week that he'd still continued some of the lies surrounding his affair. Yes, I found his secret email account and I got into it. I saw all of the emails and im's between OW (still in jail) and it was really painfull to see the two of them tearing me apart and him telling her that he was going to kick me out of our home and divorce me. It literally made me sick to my stomach and faint. Hateful, hurtful words. So I asked him outright about it and told him I knew. He denied that it was even his email address and said it wasn't him. I knew better. Sunday, I sat him down and told him I could no longer live like this, that I could not rebuild the trust that had been broken and learn to trust again as long as there was this huge lie coming between us. And that I was leaving if he didn't come clean. Again I asked for the truth even though I didn't expect him to tell it. For once, since this whole damn thing began last summer, he did tell me the truth. He admitted to the emails and the im's and began telling me about how when the whole thing was going on he wasn't himself, he felt that he was single. He said he didn't know why he had blackened me with her and with everyone else. He said it makes him sick now when he thinks about it. He told me how he really felt and he cried and was very shaken. I told him that this one last time I would accept that as true. He thanked me for staying with him and asked what he could do to help rebuild us. I told him the following things; You can NEVER EVER do anything like this again. Never lie to me about anything. Always let me know honestly how you are feeling even if you think I might not like it or it might make me mad, I WILL listen and try to understand. YOU ARE MARRIED. Remember this in your words, actions and in what you say to other people. No more seeking out the companionship of other women when it should be me, your wife you are seeking out. No more conspiring with your mom and sister or anyone else against me. Always remember how you felt when you realized that you knew that I knew the whole truth. Think first about the consequences of your actions before you commit them. And always remember that I have given you one last chance and never take this for granted. That's pretty much what I said to him. I hope this works. We are moving far away from his family. They are largely but not totally responsible for lying for him and for some of the problems we have gone through in our marriage. Living right across the drive from them is just not healthy. We move in two weeks. I'm hoping that our marriage can survive this.
LakesideDream Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 It's sad that these things keep "rolling out". You have all the power and position in your relationship now. You Husband is humiliated, and afraid. Trapped by his own behavior as he should be. He won't always feel that way. Justifications, and rationalizations will creep back into his mind. Remember that what happens between you now will never be forgotton, and beware the backlash. Good luck.
Author justice Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 And what backlash would that be? I'm a very good wife, supportive even when it hurts, honest about my feelings and everything one would want. But, I'm no doormat and it's a good thing he knows this. I'm also open to listening to him as long as it's the truth he is speaking. Anything less than honesty is just not going to work and that is how I feel.
LakesideDream Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 The "backlash" is the enevitable feelings of anger that stem from cheating. If you are like most other people (men and women) you will always get that "feeing in your stomach) when you think about the affair. He will always remember the humiliation he is feeling now when he remembers the affair, or your reaction to it. Hopefully the new feelings generated if you two successfully move past this period will outweigh those bad feelings. The feeling of betrayal is the most difficult emotion to overcome, humiliation is not far behind. Take care that you keep in mind that you may never "get over it". "getting past it" may have to be enough. I have no doubt you are a good wife. However my opinion is moot, as it was your husband that cheated.
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