Broke NC and I'm not strong anymore

[sarabobara]

I finally responded to his emails yesterday, which stupidly gave me the hope that he still wants me. We have been fighting ever since. He is angry because I can't see how much he is hurting, or that I don't care how much his life is sucking. Which only pisses me off because HE is the one who chose that life. He doesn't see it that way.

 

I don't want to hear about why he had to stay with her. I don't want to hear about his guilt. I don't know what I was expecting when I started talking to him again, but I don't want this. I was doing ok, if very very depressed, and now I can't stop thinking of him with his wife.

 

I know, I am not faultless in this. But he doesn't have to rub it in my face like this.

 

I am in so much pain.

[sarabobara]

please someone answer... I just need some support.

[LucreziaBorgia]

No new contacts = no new hurts.

 

The best thing you can do is go back to no contact and let him stew in his own mess. He sounds like a 'misery loves company' type of MM. You are right - he chose his life. Time to let him live with his choice - without you in it.

[newbby]

hello,

i dont know the details of your story, but it sounds that he left to be with you and then changed his mind?

regardless of the details, you just have to start again where you were when you first broke up. he sounds completely selfish anyway. what are the details of your story?

[sarabobara]

I met him through work May of 2005, he was our IT guy and I was in charge of the IT in our office (a doctor's office that was about to move to electronic medical records). So we had to work closely together over many months, and he taught me a lot of things. I pursued a friendship with him, and that was really all I was looking for. My own marriage was deteriorating, and my husband ended up running across the country to meet someone he knew from a chatroom. The MM was the one I had to call when I came home to find the goodbye note, because I couldn't get ahold of my parents and I really don't have any other friends. (I am a shy lonely girl who has trouble connecting with people, which could explain my attachment to the MM)

 

When my husband came back a week later I decided I couldn't live with him anymore, and sent him back to England to live with his parents. I filed for divorce winter of last year, and it was finalized in April. All through this time my relationship with MM was going far beyond that of a friendship. While I would like to say that it had nothing to do with my wanting a divorce from my husband, I can't profess that it didn't influence me. I had dreams of us both getting divorced and being together.

 

I said from the beginning that I didn't want to mess up his marriage, and he assured me that I wouldn't. But as things progressed, he claimed that he was willing to tear down the marriage for me, and I believed him. I believed everything he told me, about how he didn't love his wife anymore, about how it made him cringe when she would try to touch him, about how I was giving him a whole new future. There were no kids on either side to worry about.

 

He lived with me for about two months, the whole time lying to his wife saying he was away for work. Feeble excuses that she should have seen through, but she seemed kind of naive and too trusting for me. I wanted him to tell her. I kept bugging him to do it. Eventually my nagging him to get the divorce started became too much for him and he moved back in with her. I was completely devastated and figured it was over.

 

It wasn't. A week later he was telling me what a big mistake he made in leaving, and he wanted to make it right. I said ok, and we started our relationship anew. but he didn't live with me. He would come and spend a few hours with me every night and then go home to her. All this time he told me he was working up to telling her, giving her hints, getting ready to leave for good. I believed that too.

 

I had to give him an ultimatim, because I couldn't face him going home every night to her, and feeling like just a mistress being used for sex when he wanted me. I didn't like myself much. I still don't. Well, he decided that he wouldn't be able to do it. So I let him go. And my heart was broken all over again, but I saw it coming.

 

So I have been trying to stay in NC, but he sends me emails just about every morning. And yesterdays said "things are not as they look" and I had to ask him what he meant by that. I wish I hadn't. I just ruined the whole last two weeks of progress I have made.

 

Long post, I'm sorry.

[newbby]

So I have been trying to stay in NC, but he sends me emails just about every morning. And yesterdays said "things are not as they look" and I had to ask him what he meant by that. I wish I hadn't. I just ruined the whole last two weeks of progress I have made.

 

Long post, I'm sorry.

 

okay, so speaking to him was a mistake, but i dont know many people who have managed nc, on the very first attempt with no relapse at all. perhaps it is good in that it has reminded you why you shouldnt be having contact with him. altohugh you feel you are now back to square one, i dont think you really are. just continue and forget the contact ever happened. i know its hard ((hugs))

[newbby]

another thing, you seem very dependednt on this guy, as you say you have no friends, and you dont sound very confident or happy. use this time to try and get your life more to how you want it, without a man.

[sarabobara]

I am dependent on him, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I need to change that, and with my parents' help I am trying. I've got an appointment with a counselor next week and I will be starting a speech class in September (which I am absolutely terrified of). In the meantime, I just want to thank you for responding to my pathetic posts. I hate the way this affair has made me.

[lover's rock]

Take it a day at a time Sara. Time will heal all things.

[Walking away]

Hang in there. You are tougher than you think.

 

Hugs

 

WA

[newbby]

I am dependent on him, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I need to change that, and with my parents' help I am trying. I've got an appointment with a counselor next week and I will be starting a speech class in September (which I am absolutely terrified of). In the meantime, I just want to thank you for responding to my pathetic posts. I hate the way this affair has made me.

 

i think its usually that the problems cause the affair, rather than the affair causes the problems, if you know what i mean. hey, i have posted a hundred pathetic posts, dont worry about it . it is good you have the support of your parents, and good you are working on yourself. good luck and please dont hesitate to post whenever you need to, even if you do think it sounds pathetic. weve all been there.

[sarabobara]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I am trying to focus on the things I didn't like about him, although there weren't very many.

 

Like the way he was always so patronizing towards me. He would give me these deep lectures about how you can't just give up your life because of happiness and how the world didn't work that way. He thought he was so much better than me, just because I was younger than he (he is 44 and I am 22).

 

That helps to get me through the pain of it all.

[lover's rock]

A hundred pathetic posts out of 2,638???? You're doing great Newbby!!!

[newbby]

A hundred pathetic posts out of 2' date='638???? You're doing great Newbby!!! [/quote']

 

yeah, yeah i know, it was a brag in disguise. it sounded better than "hey, i've posted 2,538 great posts!"

[newbby]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I am trying to focus on the things I didn't like about him, although there weren't very many.

i can think of a few, and i havent even met him.

 

Like the way he was always so patronizing towards me. He would give me these deep lectures about how you can't just give up your life because of happiness and how the world didn't work that way. He thought he was so much better than me, just because I was younger than he (he is 44 and I am 22).

 

well that sounds like an excuse, rather than being patronising.

you are doing the right thing, focussing on his negative points though. it really does work, so do techniques such as when you think of him shrink him really small and grey (he's probably grey anyway, right? ), and make his voice small, and squeaky, or exagerrate his worst points etc. these things really work if you do them enough.

[kymberann]

Hey just hang in there! Don't let him have your power! Sometimes we have to feel pthetic before we can feel better! Show him and yourself you CAN live without him!

Best!

[sarabobara]

Thanks guys. Your words are helping me get through the pain.

 

I have blocked him in my email so that I can't recieve any more messages. I do ok with not initiating contact, I just tend to cave in and respond to his eventually. Now I won't even know when he sends something, so I won't be able to respond.

 

But then I get upset because I feel like he no longer cares about me. The main problem I am going to work on with my counselor is trying to understand I don't need "people" to care about me to know that I am worth something.

[BenThereDunThat]

Hmmm, is it time to start a new thread?

 

What were the annoying little things he did, or said, that you ignored because you thought you were in love with him?

 

Or not even just annoying, things you thought, ew, I don't know if I could put up with that if he were mine.

 

I realize part of the draw to the MM is the fact we never got to see them at their most annoying, i.e., REAL. But come on, there's gotta be SOME things!

[TheSilentType]

So I have been trying to stay in NC, but he sends me emails just about every morning.

 

Block his e-mail. Your an IT person, you should know how to do that.

[sarabobara]

I finally did block him. I think there was always the nagging thought that, hey, he might change his mind and I should be available if that happens. Slowly I've been working towards not wanting him anymore. This will help.

[TheSilentType]

Oh sorry, I didn't see your earlier post.

 

Well good for you. That's an important step.

Just realize, you got yourself into an absurd situation because you were probably feeling really down and lonely after what happened with you and ex-husband.

 

You got yourself into this mess because of that knee-jerk reaction to what happened to you. Just see the situation for what it is....very absurd.

 

You deserve better in life than to be some guy's fling on the side. Don't be dumb like the other OW....realize these creeps feed you with lie after lie and try to fulfill your notion of a fantasy relationship just to keep you hooked so that they can get sex and have someone feed their ego.

 

Hard is the good life....easy is the bad life....be one of the brave ones, break off from this master deceptor....present yourself well and dress nicely...and someone far more worthier and single will enter your life.

 

Stay strong. Good luck.

[norajane]

You're 22 and he's 44?

 

Oh, sweets, you've got so much wonderful, fresh new life ahead of you!!! You should be dancing for joy right now - you have such an opportunity to grow into your self-confidence and live a fulfilling life with someone closer to your age, someone who hasn't already proven himself to be weak, and a liar, and a cheater!

 

If you're lonely and depressed, one of THE best ways to start feeling better and to start feeling like you have something to contribute to the world is to start volunteering. Urban garden centers for children, animal shelters, clean up the neighborhood, plant trees at the zoo, habitat for humanity...there are so many people out there who need help and helping people always, always make you feel better about yourself. And you'll meet and make friends with other kind, generous people.

 

Give all that kindness and generosity of spirit within you to people who can use it. Don't waste it on some loser guy who can't keep his pants zipped and who can't make up his frickin' mind about what's important in his life, a guy who isn't anywhere near as mature as you are despite his age!

 

Take a belly dancing class, start biking or painting or go and get a makeover! Seriously, there is NOTHING stopping you from living your life. Don't waste it on some 44 year old guy with nothing to offer you but excuses!!

[officespace]

I am dependent on him, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I need to change that, and with my parents' help I am trying. I've got an appointment with a counselor next week and I will be starting a speech class in September (which I am absolutely terrified of). In the meantime, I just want to thank you for responding to my pathetic posts. I hate the way this affair has made me.

 

 

you relationship sounds about 90% of what mine was. I am 5 months out of it and it DOES get better. I never thought I could move on and I have (sort of; just recently relapsed and supposedly he is sending me some explanatory email tonight). But, I see that NC is the best way. I KNOW I will regret making contact with him. There's been some lag time between when I contact him and when he will have time to 'really formulate his thoughts'. Always waiting on him. He's doing it again and we haven't spoken in 5 months. They never change. My exMM left his wife for me and we were together for 9 months. He never did file for divorce. From what I've heard from friends, he went back to her within a few weeks of us breaking up (if they were ever really apart).

 

All I can say, learning from my own experience, is that if he really wanted to be with you, he would and could make it happen, especially if no children are involved. All the excuses to delay are just that -- excuses! Believe me! Think about it. When they were so hot and bothered in the early phases to be with us, nothing could have stopped them. Sadly (I am not proud of this fact), not even his wife being pregnant stopped him from not coming home. I didn't get it then because I was on the receiving end of his attention then, but not anymore.

 

I'll say it again -- forget all the arguing over this or that detail or excuse. If he truly wanted to be with you, give all of himself to you, he would have done it by now.

 

Best of luck. Don't hate yourself. You made a mistake. You can come back from that. Learn to forgive yourself.

[BenThereDunThat]

As a follow-up to Officespace. Here are just some of the "words of wisdom" I keep on hand for when I'm feeling weak.

 

This one is from the book "He's Just Not That Into You" by

Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

 

he's just not that into you if he's married (and other insane variations of being unavailable)

 

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Sure, they may feel powerful, deep, mythic in scope and proportion. You may "never ever have felt this way before." But who cares? If the person you "love" (notice the snotty quotation marks around that) cannot freely spend his days thinking about you and being with you, it's not real love.

Really? We're having this conversation? I'm really going to have to explain to you why you shouldn't be dating a married man? Well, okay: Here is the lowdown. He's married and having an affair, which indicates to me so many things. First, he's okay with being dishonest. (Nice.) Second, he's fine with cheating on his wife. (Super.) Third, he has no regard for his marriage. (What a gem.) Fourth and most specifically to you, he has no real regard for you, because what you're getting from him is scraps--stolen time that's cloaked in shame. (Just what you always dreamed of as a girl, right?) Regardless of how much his marriage sucks or how awful his wife is to him, it obviously isn't that bad or he would get out of it. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud.

No matter what their relationship or circumstances are, you are still helping a man cheat on his wife. Let's agree you're better than that.

Good for you to know you deserve to feel a powerful and profound love. I just think you should have it with someone who's actually yours. There's plenty of guys out there. Why not get one of your own? Sure, okay, sometimes people fall out of love, marry the wrong person, are overcome with passion, or make bad choices, all of which can result in an affair. Here's how you and Ring Finger Fred can handle this situation now: Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wife, then you can start a life with him not based in shame.

 

The minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable.

You have to do the waiting--the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He's so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He's that special. You, of course, aren't at all.

 

A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn't be a second date, because if she didn't like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he?