sao2 Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 One thing that has been scaring me recently in my ldr is a lack of a sense of connection with my gf. I write a little bit to her every day and every few days we talk on the phone. She is great and we are not fighting or anything. But I don't feel like she is a part of my life right now, and the difficult thing is we are both having new adventures. Our ldr is a little different in that we were living close to each other and then we both moved far, to different cultures even, within a month of each other. Her move is a 1 year move, mine is as permanent as I want it to be. We were dating for a little over a year when this became an ldr. So here we both are, having new experiences without each other and I am starting to question what role she has in my life. We have not made any commitment to each other, basically our working state has been we are going to try this and see where it leads. I am crazy about her when we see each other, and I know that in the long run I'll be happy being with her, and I would regret not being with her. But doubtful thoughts creep into my mind. I start thinking maybe I should just end it now, before it starts going downhill, as we all fear ldr's do. It becomes less a sense of missing her and more a sense of I'm living without her now, I could just live without her. I have never met anyone that has the affect on me that she does, when she is around. She improves my life, the problem is she is not around to have that affect right now. I feel like in a moment of weakness I might do something stupid and substitute something not real for the real thing that we have.
irish_lover Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I am very sorry to hear about your situation, thanks for your reply to my post earlier, not sure if I can be of any help but for what its worth I feel the same about my girlfriend. I would say this though, if you are not fighting and you have a good bond and trust etc. you are doing ok. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Me and my girlfriend have had some ferocious arguments on the phone and when we are together. She seems fine with the “see where it leads”, maybe like you I think “what is the point, no closure”. At the beginning arguments brought us closer together because it was constructive but now after every argument we get further apart to the point now where I have given up on our relationship and I am waiting for it to end. For you though you haven’t hit the down hill bit yet and I would say keep the head and your options open, you are doing fine.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]You say that you might substitute something stupid “not real” for the real thing you have. The real thing you have is a girlfriend, far away, and no commitment. I am in the same situation and it scares the hell out of me. So much so that I believe our relationship is a lost cause. Your relationship sounds a bit healthier. I think the thing is for any one in an LDR, you have to be able to live without the other person and be able to handle that and the loneliness/worries involved that comes with that. Also you say you are crazy about her, piece of advice: keep up those feelings and you will end up crazy, I am/was crazy about my girlfriend and that has partly ruined us.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The problem is that when you show you care, are worried about the relationship you open your self up and I have found that doesn’t feel good when you tell. I think you told me that your girlfriend is reserved like mine and if you say you are not fighting etc. in my opinion you are managing quite well. I wouldn’t allow your self to worry about substituting something not real for the real thing you have. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I don’t want to give a corrupt view but my solution to my problem is, If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be so don’t rule anything out and if you can and she is understanding of you, talk to her about it. It’s dangerous for you and your health to say that she improves your live, you just have to make sure that with or without her you are fine.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Maybe I haven’t quite hit the point but I would say calm your self down, keep your options open and if she won’t give any closure then you just have do decide your self depending on your personality if you can handle such a relationship and does it really suit your life style and does she “really” in the current situation you are in, make your like better? And the long term is it worth the risk? Only you can estimate and decide on that. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I hope that helps even a bit you reply helped me so thanks.[/FONT][/sIZE]
Author sao2 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 thanks Irish Lover. I think I have just been having doubts. She is still not settled overseas and since she is moving around right now I am unable to get a hold of her and that can be disconcerting. I understand, and believe me, I will walk away from this situation if it comes down to it. As far as the commitment thing goes, yeah we haven't made a commitment but we both understand that LDR's are not something you simply enter into unless your both thinking long term. Her thoughts are that since we are both going through some life-changing events that we should wait a while before commiting ourselves to something. I actually do see the wisdom in that. Trust is not an issue here, I trust her completely. I am going to take the risk, I am taking it as is she. Rather than being scared of cheating, I am scared of our feelings changing, either one of us.
Author sao2 Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Thanks again Irish_Lover, I wanted to let you know I have gone through my "Bitter-Stage" and there is still enough left from that to help me keep prospective on things. Fact of the matter is that I am ready to trust her, and that is a big deal to me. I got out of my funk by reading stuff she had sent me and looking at pictures where we are together. Also just deciding that she needs me to be a positive place of refuge for her, that helps.
LittleWingedOne Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 God, I know what that is like. My LD Boyfriend and are really great, no fighting, but... the lack of physical presense is very trying at times. I believe long distance relationships can work, but only if there is the 99% chance that you will be together soon, all the time. Otherwise, there is no point. You say you might do something stupid, well now that you recognize that fact, you can now control it. I know, sounds too simple, right? It is. You just have to believe that she is the one for you and that you need her and keep the strength that she gives you with you always. If you can't do that, she's not the one. *On a weird note: as I was typing this, my phone started vibrating, and it was the LD boy texting "Do you still love me?" .. because I was upset when he drank instead of calling me last night. hah silly boys.
Author sao2 Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Thanks for the kind words LWO, I used to agree with your comment about being 99% sure it would end soon. My gf and I aren't ready to make decisions regarding the future yet. We still have some experiences to go through. We both trust each other and so decided it was worth it to go into the ldr like this. My gf and I don't know what is going to happen in the future. We have no plan for the future yet, although we did come up with a compromise, in a year and a half, we agreed that we would come up with a plan to be together.
LittleWingedOne Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 I hope it works out for you. Humans can do fantastic things when we believe.. heh
lonelylately Posted September 4, 2006 Posted September 4, 2006 Hi, was just wondering about online and came across this thread. I've been in a ldr for ages (just some bkground, nothing to sound as if i'm a know-it-all) - was studying abroad for three years and then when i came back, my other half went abroad to work and its been another two years since, and she's gotten a new job but in the same place so it's going to be another year or two (at the very least!). initially it was fine cuz i was working like a dog and didn't have much time to think about stuff as initially imagined and planned to a certain extent, you know the "we'll work hard for a better future and keep communicating" thing. So lately I've been more free and given to wondering about things down the road, you know the "usual get married get a place yadah yadah stuff", and it felt very lonely and all that. i guess i have a lot of stuff to say but this is not the right place, so I'll just give my 2 cents' worth. When i made the decision to get involved with her i told myself i would give and give and give, and there were many times when i think it might have been 'wiser' or more 'practical' to have called it quits, but i just told myself to give until there's nothing left, and then some more. While it may sound like torture or something unnecessary to others, i'd like to think of it as investing in the r/ship and making it all the more worthwhile. It sounds like its dysfunctional but i guess i can't really put the feeling adequately into words on the screen here, though i'm sure some of you guys in an ldr would understand. So, for all who are in a rough spot, i hope you keep the faith and that it works out, no matter what happens it'll always be for the better!
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