RELATIONSHIP 911!!! any suggestions to get me out off this pickle!?

[thegurlnextdoor]

Don’t get me wrong. I love him. I love him forever more. But these words are my own and my feelings are my way of expressing. I’m just trying to find the magic. The answer. The cure. I love him. And may God only know why I love him so. But there is this terrible feeling within me. Tearing me apart. Why is that? God why? Why do I feel such guilt, such sadness, such anger? So uncomfortable is this feeling. I find myself trying to let go. To let go of something that grew to became something so strong. I find myself trying to let go. To let go of him. But my dear God, I love him don’t I? Why must I have such odd separating feelings against him? Why do I see myself leaving? But it hurts me my dear lord. It hurts. This deep pain within grows and grows into this forsaken stomach pain. Oh how it does rumble with stress and confusement. It leaves me with cravings of curiosity. How does it all work? This action of love. How do you know exactly when and where the right time begins and ends? The feeling of wanting something different… the feeling as if some how there’s something out there that could be better for me. That the right one is waiting for me. Or also the feeling of fear. Of losing something that I truly love. To give it all away for just a breather. And find out later that he finds something else. My goodness. Why stress so much. Would I give up forever? Would it be the closes heaven I could touch. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want the pain. But lord Jesus… it looks like I have to go through with it. If I really want to take such a drastic step. But everything is meant to be broken. There could be no great knowledge of understanding. I don’t want to mess up. The feeling of addiction. Trying to lie to myself that I don’t need him. Fooling myself I could just get over him like it was nothing. But it was something. It was never nothing. But I want to shake it off. But the appreciation, the security, the charm, and the fun. Never finding someone who will love him more than me. Or even how much he has shown for me. But then again what kind of love has a feeling of leaving? There must be something more than that. But if you were me what would you do? I just want to change my life a little. I’m looking to spread my wings and party. I need my space, my time alone, it sometimes feels like our hearts don’t match anymore. But still everything that he wants I could get it for him. I still have love for him. But I just want to let him go for now. He did cause me pain. The pain I thought I could recover from. But it still hunts me. Stocks my every dream. What if? Or when will it happen again? Do I wait for the next ditch to come along. Or do I do it myself. And face the fear of hurting another. What if I’m missing out? Or what if I end up leaving and receive big regrets. How could I even go through? How do you know when its time to leave the old shoe? The one that perfectly formed to you, that was always comfortable no matter in what situation you got into. But it is an old shoe, its dirty, with many imperfections, and you one day see all these possible new shoes on stock. Their brand new, waiting to be discovered, waiting to discover you and your form. But you have no idea, if those shoes will last and care and go through the same run as your old sneaks did. What do you do then? do you try the new pairs and put out the old shoes for a rainy day. Or dispose of them and never have that reunion of rejoice. Or stay with them because your too afraid of trying something new. You just want to be able to hold on to them and still search around. But by doing that, the old shoe will never stick around. And even if they did, it sucks to even feel the sign of rejection from one you are truely attached to. They were apart of a big chuck of your whole world. he knows every inch, every curve, every secret of me, and sending him off, with him knowing what he knows! id fell naked. And letting them go feels like leaving everything you once believed in. everything you had passions for. It may all just fall apart and drift away. And find yourself accusing and arguing with your own destiny. But you know damn well who’s fault it was. Sometimes you have to take in all the flaws that you can’t stand and truly combine them. And love them because of those flaws because its what separates them form the stereotype perfections and make them, them. It makes them their own perfect beauty. Believe me there were times when trying to love the flaws was not easy, but you might be able to do it every now and then. But when it all piles up, the feeling aint so pretty. But I never take action. Because you could never change another. The only thing you could change is yourself and maybe, just maybe they’ll clue in.

 

i have been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now. just this coming novmeber it will be 3 years. you could say we were high school sweethearts. we had two break ups in the past. it was mostly him. he was the one who broke up with metwice. he hurt me really bad during those past break ups. i have always been there for him, i did everything to make the relationship work. but he decided to run off with the towns slut and give her a test drive. (that was the situation on our 2nd break up) obviously i let him back in my life and give him a 3rd chance. during this time things were great! i mean our relationship grew stronger. and my god the sex is great!! but i noticed lately, ive been finding myself distant. but he has no cule i have these feelings running through my mind. i find myself trapped.... like i cant breathe... like im a afraid of my future. like am i going to end up marrying this guy? im not ready for that! i have been with him for so long, it almost feels as though we might head into that direction, and its sufficating me because i dont know if hes even the one. ive been noticing weve been revolving our love life around sex. and sex and sex. like our friendship connection seems to fade. our interests seem to grow in different directions. like dont mind me saying dude the sex is great! but what about the lovers and friends sayin? but he could still keep me laughing, we still chit-chat about small talk at work or other things. he could still keep me happy but.... i found myself getting interested in other guys. like i miss the whole dating phase. but i dont really want to break up with him because it would break his heart. im not into that cheating ****, i believe in loyaty, honesty, and unconditional love. i told my close girlfriend about this silly situation she

keeps telling me that i have nothin to worry about because hes crazy about me...but im afraid, how i feel, cuz to tell you the truth these feelings have been going up and down mountains AND hills. and just thinking about the future gives me the chills! i think im gettin all choked up all of a sudden, cuz im afraid of being stuck with him and not really looking what else is out there for me, maybe theres somethin more that im not seeing, but i dont wanna go through that and hurt him because its gonna hurt me too. i practically helped him out in everything, if it wasnt for me he'd probablly be either still be attending this low class adult school, never got to pass the high school exit exam, failed and become a high school drop out, no future in college, doing other drugs, getting involved with the wrong kind of people, fighting, fighting with family, hating life. shoot i dunno... it scares me on what would happen when all of a sudden i backed out.... what would become of him? because i have so many goals for my future, and my mom keeps nagging at my ass tellin me not to make him take over me, for him to get me behind, she wants me to stop helping him and focus on my future. shes right and i know i am going to focus on me, i know ill be okay either im with him or not, its just sucks cuz i really dont know what to do. i just wanna make sure hes going to be okay, thats hes gonna straighten up and focus and prove that hes mature enough to take the step, and not do cuz he has too. hes gotta have some passion. shoot. i mean hes doing perfectly fine because he has me around to help him out. so he just got comfortable with me around. but find myself jumping out of his grasp. but when i do want to explore and meet other ppl, but i have really bad jelously and finding him with another will make me go crazy! i dont want to go through the pain i did in the past again. he hurt me sooooooooo. and i still have close friends and relatives why i even let him back. why even waste my time. but i love and care for him. and i dont mind wasting my time with him every now and then. uggh i hate it! and get this, hes been working more hours lately, so i hardly ever see him, at least once or twice a week during the day. and a few phone calls but those phone calls are always just up and down. we do have those random latenigt visits during the week and those are always fun. it helps out our spice in our relationship. sometimes we do some fun role playing to get real into it. and if i plan to leave that, im going to miss it soo! so wtf readers! how do i solve this insane mystery!? i wish i could just see a glimse of my future so it could give me a guide line on what path i should take! but life sucks.....its beautiful, but it sucks dick man... any suggestions or comments? please, i beg. i could use anything right now. what is a girl to do..... should i stay.....or leave....