is he having an emotional affair?

[Guest]

My husband of about 1 1/2 years has gotten fairly close to a single (divorced) co-worker "A". I have met "A" a couple of times and she seemed to be a tiny bit flirty with my husband then. A few months ago she called him on his cell a few times in in the evenings (one time i know was about work because she had just gotten passed up for a promotion). I started to get suspicious and checked his cell phone.

 

They had been sending text messages back and forth a few times a week. Sometimes about work, sometimes about stupid stuff like her dog or sometimes "when are you coming in?", "have you left yet?". I also found out (by asking) that he was going for walks, out to lunch and shopping alone with her at lunch a few days a week. I said that I wasn't really comfortable with how much time they spent alone and how I felt like he wasn't as attentive to me at home as he used to be. He got angry, said that nothing was going on and that he had no feelings for her, and 'why can't a man and a woman just be friends?' I said maybe she is interested in you? He said: I know she isn't, I can tell. I really didn't think that there was a physical or serious romantic relationship going on, but I thought it was going down the wrong path.

 

I was upset and we had a big fight. This lead to fights every few days for a few weeks. He said 'why are you making a big deal out of nothing?..'why you keep brining this up?' He deleted all of the texts and a few susequent ones. She even texted once while we were fighting about her saying he should log into their work instant messenger. I said that i didn't think it was appropriate to have this type of relationship when he was married and I didn't want him to text her anymore. So it stopped (after i detected a few of his replys on the phone bill, got really angry and he said he didn't want to be rude).

 

She decided to leave the company a little over 2 months ago and I thought this would be the end of their relationship. A couple weeks later he said that him and some co-workers were going to meet up and have lunch with her. This triggered another fight (things had been going well for a few weeks) and he said 'did you think that i would just stop all contact with her?' He was yelling a lot and saying that I was being so unfair and that there was nothing going on and why don't I trust him? He said that jealousy and insecurity were unattractive and it made him have bad feelings towards me, and that me always checking up on him made me seem like his mother. I asked how much they were emailing and he said a few times a week. He says that it is important to maintain contacts at another company in case he needs to get a new job (lame, i know).

 

I sort of just let it go and tried to forget about it, but it has always been there.

 

Anyway they still go out to lunch with groups (or so I assume) every couple of weeks. This issue is still really bothering me. I didn't see why he felt so compelled to continue the 'friendship'. So I decided i need to find out how much they were still emailing. I logged into his work email and I didn't really see any emails except right after she left (in June) and these involved setting it up so they could instant message. I did some more sleuthing and found his instant messenger at work and looked up the only name on his buddy list---hers. I decided to log their IMs (it had been shut off). I checked the first day of logging (today) and they were talking on and off all day. She initiated it and did most of the talking, but he seemed willing to keep chatting. For the most part it was about work, her moving into an apartment, her dog, if she should go on a date with some guy, but there was something where my husband said she should name a file "ilovetim" and she said "ha ha ha" and he said "what, its true" And then no reply, I think he was kidding, but that seemed like flirting to me.

 

I am very hurt and angry that he has continued this close friendship after he knows how much it has hurt me and our relationship. He just kept it going in a way he thought i would never find.

 

I am really angry and want to confront him, but I know I should hold out and see if I can get anymore out of the messages. Help! Am i overreacting? Is this an inappropriate relationship for a married man? It really makes me feel sick to my stomach.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I am really angry and want to confront him, but I know I should hold out and see if I can get anymore out of the messages.

2. Am i overreacting?

3. Is this an inappropriate relationship for a married man? It really makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

1. You have to be very careful about this. He cannot know in any way shape of form what you are doing to gather information. As soon as he does, he'll shut you out from finding out anything. Print out everything you find. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in his car. Check phone bills, keep checking email. Snoop, snoop, snoop. Once you gather enough information, sit him down, plunk it down in front of him and give him the choice: either its no contact with the woman during a period of counseling, or you will file for separation/divorce. He has to know you are serious about saving your marriage.

 

He has given you more than enough reason to be suspicious. Privacy is one thing, secrecy quite another. He is hiding this relationship with this woman in plain sight. It might have turned into a PA, it might not have - but its clear that what they have is more than 'friends' - particularly when you are excluded from it. He is protesting way too hard for this to be just a casual friend. What the woman may or may not feel for him is irrelevant - what the problem is, is how your husband feels for her.

 

2. No.

 

3. No, it is not.

 

What you two need now is counseling, hardcore. He is not hearing your concerns but ignoring them in lieu of this 'friendship'. He needs to realize what this is doing to your marriage. Right now, it sounds like he is in denial about what this is doing to it. He doesn't want to realize that you are devastated, that the marriage is getting damaged. All he wants right now it sounds like is free range with his 'friend'.

[Guest]

3. No, it is not. - Are you kidding me?

 

I hope you read her question wrong, because this relationship absolutely is not appropriate in a marriage. If this disturbs her this much, why does he put the value of the relationship with the single woman over his wife? If he has to maintain that relationship, then it will cost him the marriage and he needs to understand that. If it takes the wife filling out some divorce papers (very accessible online) and brining them to him to discuss a divorce, then maybe he will realize the potential consequences. If you do not have children yet, you have to get closure before that happens. Things get much more complicated after that.

 

To the person who is suffering for the husband's emomotional affair: you cannot continue to set up methods of monitoring him as you have suffered enough already. You have to put the fork in the road and tell him it is one or the other. In addition, you should set up a marriage counselor where you both can talk and separate counselors so each can discuss individual issues.

 

I feel your pain!

[LakesideDream]

Be carefull. During my marriage of 25 years I had one friendship with a female. We had lunch almost once a week. It was a friend/mentor relationship. I was totally open with my wife about it. We lived in a "smallish" community, and had lunch in very public places and saw many people we each knew.

 

This female friend was almost 20 years younger and very attractive. We did not work together, she was a sales rep for a service business I had a long time relationship with. The friendship lasted almost two years, until the lady moved to take a better position in city 200 miles away.

 

My then wife seemed to have no problems with it. When we eventually divorced 10 years later, my then ex brought the friendship up and accused me of having an affair with her. I literally began laughing. Obviously this had bothered my ex for a long time needlessly. Had she mentioned that she thought it was innappropriate, I would have stopped the lunches immediately.

 

It's possible for a man to have a friendship with a woman without it being sexual. It's easy if he's mad in love with his wife!

[Adora]

3. No, it is not. - Are you kidding me?

 

I hope you read her question wrong

 

I think you read the OP's question wrong? Cause Lucrezia responded the same as you.. it is NOT appropriate for her husband to have this friendship while the wife is hurting.

 

OP - your husband is being selfish. If by some chance he isn't having an A with her - he sure is showing that regardless he doesn't put you first. That is bs.

 

This will end how you want it to end basically. You need to stand your ground and keep reminding him that you do not approve in any shape or form of this friendship that he has been having with this ex co-worker, and now he is resorting to lying in order to keep you off of his back. If he does not change, show any understanding or compassion back towards you - if you are willing, file for a separation. Maybe that will make him see wtf he is doing. But the choice is strictly up to you. How much more will you take?

 

Goodluck to you.

[Mz. Pixie]

LB gave good advice as always!!! You need to print her comments out for reference!

 

I have had male friends at work. Who I had no interest in sexually and they had no interest in me sexually. I joke around with one and I've always called him my "work husband" (which was in some comedy show). That was a little flirty and I don't do it so much. But he knew I didn't mean anything about it I was being funny.

 

He helped me move into my apt when I got divorced- along with another male that worked under me. Nothing was going on. I did used to email some with my work husband- and I still do a bit- but he's married and has kids and I am too- and I'm MADLY in love with my husband. It's innocent.

 

There is just a difference and the difference is that you're upset about it and he's blowing it off. That right there makes me very uncomfortable. You are right to be suspicious. If he would have reacted differently to your problems with it, then I wouldn't be worried. But he didn't. He acted like he got his hand caught in the candy jar.

 

Perhaps he's hoping for an affair? Perhaps she is?? But the lunches and shopping and talking all the time can lead into one very quickly.

 

My male friends and I do not text each other. EVER. This is something that is reserved for my hub and my close female friends.

 

Do what LB said and take care of yourself. Before you confront him with the evidence- if there is any- and I'm thinking eventually there will be- be sure to see an attorney to get the facts about what you need to do to protect yourself.

 

He'll be pissed when you catch him and try to lie and cover it up. Don't let him.

[Jennifer26]

It sure sounds like he is.

 

I went through something very similar one year ago. My H is still a college student, and in one of his classes befriended a female. They decided to do their final paper together. Before the paper, he had mentioned her several times to me; what a down to earth person she was, her sense of humor, etc.

 

Once they began the paper, they started talking on the phone and emailing everyday. They were meeting at school to have cigarette breaks together, sending text messages. A week after the assignment began, my H didn't show up from work (he got off at 11 PM) until 2 AM. He reeked of beer. He had met up with her to "discuss and work on the paper." I was upset because 1. he didn't call me and 2. I felt a bar and drinking was inappropriate and highly doubted any school work was involved.

 

A week later, he did it again. Didn't show up, didn't call, went out again for a couple of drinks and to work on the paper. Between this time I also discovered they were having lunches together, meeting daily, and she even came out to his work (he worked at a location alone) and spent the entire evening out there, again to "work on the paper."

 

It was at this point I'd had enough. I told him no more, no more lunches, no more drinks, no more meeting with her alone period. He became very defensive, he accused me of being insecure and jealous. We fought about it for days, and when he realized I would not back down and was threatening to leave, he resentfully agreed that he would not meet with her anymore.

 

He did however. I found out he took her to lunch, after the class was over with. They were also continuing to text message each other, talk over the phone, and I'm sure meet up at school to hang out.

 

He stopped bringing in his cell phone, he saved every voicemail she ever left him. His behavior was very odd. Yet to this day, he would swear he did not have an EA.

 

I told him I would leave him. I went from asking for no alone time, to no contact period (after I found out he had continued to meet alone.) I told him that he was having an EA, and I wouldn't sit around idle while it happened.

 

As far as I know they have not spoke for sometime now, although they do still attend the same school. There has not been a phonecall to/from her on his cell phone record now in atleast ten months. No emails. And I even installed a keylogger just to feel sure about the situation.

 

I think the bottom line is that you need to put your foot down. EA's can be hard to prove, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you are uncomfortable with the situation and your H needs to respect that.

 

You can't stop him from meeting with this woman, but you can decide that you will not have it. Do not let him make this into your issue, it isn't. What he is doing is a big threat to your relationship, and is extremely disrespectful to you.