How to deal with this marriage?

[CuteAndInnocent]

We've been married almost 10 yrs, together almost 15. Recently I've developed a huge crush on a guy friend and cannot stop dreaming about an affair, which I know would not be right. This isn't the first time I've had these types of thoughts and know that I need to fix the marriage.

Here's the deal - DH is a nice guy, great dad.

 

What I do not get from him is:

 

- Any compliments ever, I could be wearing sweats or a ballgown and I don't know if he cares. I have lost weight from after having kids and feel real sexy (esp with a crush) and it's hard not to get any response about how I look from DH.

I do not like to compliment him because when I do, he gives a cocky answer back, along the lines of like "Yeah, I am that great," which is too annoying.

 

- He does not have a romantic bone in his body. In addition to above, he would never plan anything or do anything to make me feel special.

I've planned many surprises for him and he has never done that once.

 

- We never kiss anymore because he is the worst at it! It's so negative now that I don't want to do that and don't know if it's something that could change. I can't tell him that he's bad but maybe I would like to try to change it. How do you say/teach something like that without making him feel bad?

This is a lot of the reason why I dream, about having one great kiss again with someone since it's been too long.

 

I guess these are some of the main issues. Of course for the first two, they are things I have complained too many times about over the years. After mentioning those and we have an argument or whatever, maybe things might temporarily be slightly better for a few weeks or so, but never permanently. Guess you just can't change who he is. So does that mean I just have to deal with it? Because of these things it often makes me feel like we are more roomates than married (I didn't even mention the fact that he rarely initiates sex and it's mainly upon me.) But I know he loves me and think he should find me attractive.

It's just been so hard and don't know how I can live this way for the rest of my life! Why does marriage have to be forever?

[Moose]

We've been married almost 10 yrs, together almost 15.

You should be proud of yourself. You know what a commitment is.

Recently I've developed a huge crush on a guy friend and cannot stop dreaming about an affair, which I know would not be right.

It's only natural to have these tendencies. Some, (myself included), may argue that it's even healthy, but, Please, don't act on them.

This isn't the first time I've had these types of thoughts and know that I need to fix the marriage.

You've already won at least HALF of the battle.

 

If you go back, and read your post, it's all about what he does wrong, and what YOU want. It's as obvious as the nose on my face......

 

Don't get me wrong....please....I'm not saying that you don't have a right to ask these things from your significant other, but sometimes, in a relationship, a lot of what's wrong could be you.

 

What is it about you that he's having issues with? Do you know? Have you even thought about it?

 

It's obvious what your Love Language is, words of Affirmation. What is his?

 

Contribute to his Love Language, (needs), and he'll turn around. If you're not sure what his Love Language, (needs), are, the best way to find out is to ask him.

 

Take a look at the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

After mentioning those and we have an argument or whatever, maybe things might temporarily be slightly better for a few weeks or so, but never permanently.

Regular deposits or contributions to his specific needs or Love Language will guarantee continuous contributions to your needs, or Love Language.

 

Marriages end when regular conributions to each other's needs either from one or the other slow down or stop completly. So stop keeping track like you have been, and be the, "bigger man", by making sure you keep a steady flow of contribution in his love bank.

Guess you just can't change who he is. So does that mean I just have to deal with it? Because of these things it often makes me feel like we are more roomates than married (I didn't even mention the fact that he rarely initiates sex and it's mainly upon me.) But I know he loves me and think he should find me attractive.

 

It's just been so hard and don't know how I can live this way for the rest of my life! Why does marriage have to be forever?

Well, I believe that a Covenant before God cannot be broken without catastrophic consequences.

 

Like I said at the beginning, you've won half the battle. You've recogonized the problem, please, do yourself a favor and gain some peace by checking out the book I recommended......

 

Good luck to ya!!

[CuteAndInnocent]

What is it about you that he's having issues with? Do you know? Have you even thought about it?

 

It's obvious what your Love Language is, words of Affirmation. What is his?

 

I have been currently trying to do what I can do make him happy. Basically the only time we argue about stuff is when I bring up these type of things, he seems to have no complaints. When I've asked him in the past it doesn't sound like he has any issues with me, except maybe seem more appreciative sometimes but nothing big to him. I mean, he does pretty much have it made - I'm always the one to cook and clean up, take care of the finances (he has no clue about any of our accounts!), etc. So basically I am doing all I can!

 

When things were at their worst, once when I was saying I would wish he would do things like take me out etc, he said, "I don't need people to take me out, get some self-esteem!" He did apologize for that and said he was just upset, but sometimes I'm at my wits end.

 

I just want to know any specifics if there is ANY way to get these things from him or do I just have to settle with this as I have been doing all this time, but then get urges and dream about other men?

[norajane]

I just want to know any specifics if there is ANY way to get these things from him or do I just have to settle with this as I have been doing all this time, but then get urges and dream about other men?

 

The thing is, those other fantasy men may give you the words and romance, but are likely not to give you the other things that your husband does and that you are taking for granted at this point...trust, honesty, security, support, real love based on shared history and knowing each other deeply.

 

Are the words that important? If so, you have to try to train your hubby to say them. Positive reinforcement when he does anything remotely romantic. Praise him each step of the way. Don't be negative when he doesn't take the right steps, just ignore it. Teach him to kiss you the way you bring up anything else in the bedroom....hey, let's try it this way or just do kiss him the way you want to be kissed.