Guest Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 My bf and I have been together for almost two years now. I am in a masters program and he is a professional. I live with family because I cant afford my own apartment while in school full-time. The recent tension has been about moving in. It seems I am getting very tired of going back and forth to his place. He doesnt really come over mine because he would rather not hang out with my famliy but be alone at his place. I find that emotionally I am starting to get very drained with this travelling process. I have to pack and then stay at his house for one or two days a week. Usually at the end of the visit I start getting upset or in fights with him. Then when I finally get home I feel very down and sleep a lot. The next day I start feeling a little better. I think the transition is causing me difficulties. I feel like we have been together for some time now and there should be some benefits to our monogomy. I feel like we should either be together or not. This driving back and forth stuff (45 min drive) is getting old, expensive, and exhausting. I am seriosuly thinking of getting my own place this fall if I can get enough financial aid. At my age one does not want to live with the "folks!" My bf says that he wants to get a place but wants to wait until I am not so "moody" about our relationship. He says he wants a place but never makes an effort to look at adds with me. I think a lot of the "moodiness" would go away if we lived together. Transitioning back and forth every week is becoming very draining. Infact, it is making me loose interest in him sexually. Any ideas what is going on here? Thanks!
britchick Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Well, exhaustion would make anyone moody. It seems that your the one putting all the effort into this relationship. Why not ask him to compromise and stay over at yours on alternate weeks. If he isn't prepared to do this for you then it may be a mistake to move in with him anyway.
WestCoastLeigh Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 45 minutes isn't that long of a drive. :-( Not sure you two should even be together. My mother lives about 15 miles from me, but with traffic, it is at least a 45 minute drive. Some evenings, I drive that distance and time just to see her for an hour or so, and then drive home. Thinking of my current relationship, 45 minutes to drive and see him would be nothing. The fact that this 45 minute drive is getting to you is a SIGN that this guy doesn't seme "worth it" to you. I don't think he's the one for you. Believe me, the guy that I'm living with now is the ONLY guy I've ever dated that I would consider worth that amount of time and more on the road. If you're this upset and "drained" for a 45-minute drive, he's not it. Sorry, but true. :-( GO FIND the man for you sweetie! As far as him not wanting to stay at your house, I don't blame him. I would think your time together is much more intimate and easier being alone with him and he prob. feels the same way...
Rikka Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I agree with britchick. It doesn't sound like he is putting equal effort into this relationship. You are under a lot of stress with your degree (both financially and emotionally) and it doesn't sound like he is being accomodating. I have a friend who is going through a very similar issue with her boyfriend. I think it is time for you two to re-evaluate your relationship.
newbby Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 just dont drive over to see him anymore, dont say anything about the relationship, just if he asks you to come over say "no can do, you will have to visit me". maybe though he is just not ready to move in, that doesnt neccessariyl mean he doesnt value your relationship.
Walk Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Moving in together might seem like a cure all right now, but I think there's more going on then just the drive time. Why do you dread going back to your parents house? The way you wrote your initial post, you sound as though its not really the drive that bothers you.. but maybe the feeling of being caught between two lives. The daughter.. and the lover. Or the constant shift in residence. Packing, then unpacking.. over and over. The transient style of your life right now. But why do you argue with him when it gets closer to when you are leaving? What do you feel at the time? Irritation, fear, pain, loss, anger, cheated? How do you feel at the time? Are you reading things in his body language that may be setting you off? Signs that maybe he's ready for your return home? Maybe that irritates you? I think getting your own place would be a good first step, rather than jumping right into a combined living arrangement again. You would have a place that he could come over to and stay for a day or two. Try it out for a year or six months before you decide living with him is what you really want. At the very least, see if he'll make the effort at that time to come to your place. Try to get your relationship back on more even footing first. If it doesn't get rid of some of the petty arguments then there's a bigger problem going on then just the living arrangements.. and you'll have to figure out what that is before you two can move forward in your relationship. Also, I think there's a difference in mentality between a person who lives at home, and one who has been paying their own bills for a while. I know I took for granted some of the things I had while living at home. And my thoughts and feelings changed regarding my "space" once I was on my own. You might find your mentality changes some regarding both of your views once you've had your own place for a while.. and you might even decide that you really enjoy being on your own and decide not to cohabitate with him for many years. Just take a deep breath and slow down before diving head first into living together. If you force it.. you're more likely to break it.
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