Finding a purpose

[Ariadne]

Hi guys,

 

Do you ever feel like you don't know what to do with your life?

 

Well, I do.

 

Is like, all my life was some sort of expectancy, some sort of miracle in the making, some sort of everything is going to be alright and wonderful one day if only... If only we get married and be happy for ever and ever.

 

Well, at least that's what I thought.

 

But now, what do I do now.

 

I just can hear my life crashing down. Is like I lost all my dreams, my hopes, my happy life.

 

I know it is not good to place all of your expectations in someone else. But, is it so bad to want to have a partner?

 

I really did, I thought he was the one and I wouldn't be lonely anymore.

 

Yeah, go get some friends people say. Well, you know it's not the same.

 

I can only do so much keyboard practicing, and watching movies. Ok, get a job, like that is going to make my life "fulfilling" in some sort of weird way. I think not.

 

Is like this break up was a break up of dreams, it has shattered my whole life and the implications are huge.

 

Now I don't know what to do, start all over, start dating again and meet "the one". Sigh, I can't even say I trust my instincts anymore of knowing who the "one" is.

 

I guess I'm ranting here, but it's just hard to find a purpose.

 

Do you guys feel like this break up, not only has left you an emotional wreck, but also has left you out of a future?

 

Any words of solace?

 

Ariadne

[BatteredByLove]

I've been there... done that... I know the feeling. My EX and I discussed EVERYTHING together, our life, marriage, etc, of course I should've ran when she talked about these things(I'm only 17), but I wanted to see what this was lie, she was and still is my first and only love... I planned, well WE planned our whole future together, and now that she's gone I feel a void inside me, I don't even know what to do anymore, what's going to happen, etc. Sometimes I feel as if I won't even find another as good as her... still got a whole life ahead of me... . Somehow I still feel like she's coming back.. but that's probably denial. So yes, I feel as if I have no future now... heh, great.

 

-BBL

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Thanks.

 

WE planned our whole future together, and now that she's gone I feel a void inside me, I don't even know what to do anymore, what's going to happen, etc.

 

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel (even though in my case we didn't plan anything, only I did or hoped).

 

But now, it like nothing really matters anymore

 

I guess I must be some romantic, but having a partner (love) seems like something so important to me...I don't know why.

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Ariadne:

I completely understand you, you know that. Someone to love and for them to love me, that is all I have ever really wanted in life. A family. Every birthday since I was probably thirteen, I have wished for love as I blew out the candles. Same with every "first star" and many many nights of prayer. Why does the one thing I want the most and have worked the hardest for, why does it elude me? Everything else I have achieved in my life, it has a dull feeling to it because I don't have anyone to share it with.

[Outcast]

all my life was some sort of expectancy, some sort of miracle in the making, some sort of everything is going to be alright and wonderful one day if only...

 

That can have any number of endings. But what it can NOT do is depend on another person. The key to finding life 'all right and wonderful' is only inside yourself. It's much too much burden to put on a mere human to make him THE source of YOUR happiness. MUCH too much!

 

Life has thousands of gifts but you're ignoring them all because you're focusing on what you don't have.

 

If only we get married and be happy for ever and ever.

 

That doesn't happen. It can't happen and it won't. Life is not the way the fairy tales pictured it. People get sick, lose jobs, get illnesses, get cranky. There is no such thing as 'happy forever and ever'. So you are wishing for the impossible and that in itself guarantees you will always be disappointed.

 

I just can hear my life crashing down. Is like I lost all my dreams, my hopes, my happy life.

 

You lost one set of dreams, one set of hopes, and part of a life. But there are many dreams and hopes and lives you can have and enjoy.

 

I know it is not good to place all of your expectations in someone else. But, is it so bad to want to have a partner?

 

Yes if you place all your wishes, hopes, desires, and emotional life in that person. Would you want some guy who counted on you to be absolutely everything for him? The very thought is frightening and exhausting.

 

I really did, I thought he was the one and I wouldn't be lonely anymore.

 

Read the posts on here. Being married doesn't mean you're not lonely. Some of the loneliest people of all live in the same house with the person they married. Again, the key to your happiness is within you.

Yeah, go get some friends people say. Well, you know it's not the same.

 

Why does it have to be? It's like saying 'I will only be happy if I have the perfect meal of fettucine alfredo every night for the rest of my life. It must be made exactly the same way and must never be different in any way'. There's lots of different dishes to enjoy - lots of people to enjoy - and just because they aren't the perfect fettucine alfredo doesn't mean you can't enjoy them.

Ok, get a job, like that is going to make my life "fulfilling" in some sort of weird way. I think not.

 

It could be. It would be if you got a 'helping' job - say helping out at a kids' club or someplace where underprivileged people turn for help. It could be the best thing you ever did to help others and there are always jobs in the helping areas.

 

Is like this break up was a break up of dreams, it has shattered my whole life and the implications are huge.

 

No, it shattered one variation of what your life can be. But there are thousands of paths open to you, thousands of men you could still meet, thousands of hobbies, activities, and interests you could have.

 

But if you continue to feel that your interest in life is gone, see a counsellor because you could be depressed and require meds to kick start your body chemisty back into a less morose track.

 

Everything else I have achieved in my life, it has a dull feeling to it because I don't have anyone to share it with.

 

If you go listen to a concert and think nothing but 'gee, this would be so much better if someone were with me' then you're making your own self miserable. If, instead, you listen to the music and lose yourself in how enjoyable it is, you'll come out happy for having enjoyed the nice music. It's about your mindset. You can miss out on the good things that you have right now by keeping your head in miserable thoughts or you can choose to be 'in the moment' and enjoy all the things in your life now.

 

I think it would be grand to have a nice companion. I'm quite good at being a loving partner and miss doing it. But I rarely even think about it and enjoy every minute of my life - to the point that I forget I'm not with anybody LOL.

[SuddenlyISee]

I can totally agree with the above posts.

Because me and my partner both going to the same university next month, we had planned to stay there together, but then we had 2nd thoughts and that fell through. But the thoughts of going there together in the morning, cuddling on the train etc...

And we'd also be finishing university at the same time, so had planned to get a flat together, with a puppy etc...

 

Now she's gone back to her ex, when I can tell you for certain they won't last half a year again, let alone the 3 when we're at uni together.

[Ariadne]

Oh Mollyanna,

 

You sure know how to make me cry...

 

Someone to love and for them to love me, that is all I have ever really wanted in life. A family.

 

Me too. I never even understood what the fuss was all about about being a "career woman." All I wanted was to be a housewife and have many babies. I also think I should have been born in the past 4K years, before the women's liberation movement.

 

I'd be happy just baking bread, and cakes, and bathing babies. That's all I ask. Is that bad? And to have a garden full of flowers, and vegetables and go camping with the family and talk at night with my partner until dawn.

 

Every birthday since I was probably thirteen, I have wished for love as I blew out the candles.

 

Oh Mollyanna, me too! Me too! And until now, every fountain I walk by that has coins in it, you know what I wish for.

 

Same with every "first star" and many many nights of prayer.

 

Same here. I remember I was so happy one time I saw some sort of meteor shower with some green lights going across the sky. I thought, this is it, this has to be a sign.

 

Why does the one thing I want the most and have worked the hardest for, why does it elude me?

 

I know, and I also think that it shouldn't be "that hard." I've done so much for love, and it's never enough. Never enough.

 

Everything else I have achieved in my life, it has a dull feeling to it because I don't have anyone to share it with.

 

I know, and all I have achieved hasn't made me happy. Maybe a little satisfaction, but that was all. Some little bit of blah.

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

But the thoughts of going there together in the morning, cuddling on the train etc... And we'd also be finishing university at the same time, so had planned to get a flat together, with a puppy etc...

 

Yeah, it just doesn't feel the same.

 

It's hard to find the same cozy feeling, of going in the train... by yourself.

 

Maybe I'm not grand enough to do that, I don't know if I'm lacking because of it, but it seems that way.

 

Ariadne

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[Brittanyjean06]

I feel the same way as everyone else except im coming to terms with the fact that my ex was a sociopath and he backed stabbed me for nearly 3 years...I think we all will love again some day and it is only a matter of time! So stay strong, everyone has hopes and dreams and everyones are shattered each day.

[Mollyanna]

I'd be happy just baking bread, and cakes, and bathing babies. That's all I ask. Is that bad? And to have a garden full of flowers, and vegetables and go camping with the family and talk at night with my partner until dawn.

I wanted a career too, but hell that was over rated. I like your idea better.

I am so scared that I am going to die alone. As I get older, it seems that I won't have children or a husband and I could just hide away in my house and no one would even know I exist.

[Mollyanna]

You sure know how to make me cry...

you do the same to me. now I am bawling again.

[burning 4 revenge]

Ariadne, what you are going through is called an existential crisis. It's easy to project those feelings of longing for fulfillment onto another human being and expect that the void would be filled if only this, or only that....but the void is never really filled.

 

It's another way of saying you're bored.

[HopefulOne]

I agree that it hurts and sometimes you have that empty feeling... Yes, I want someone to share my life with... I want someone to love me the way I love them. However, as my mother always said, you are what you start with and you are what you are left meaning, the only one that is ever really gonna take care of you is you... That starts with loving yourself and knowing that you are complete. Being complete and sharing yourself with someone is so much more fulfilling. You don't need someone to be happy... As I said and don't get me wrong here... I want someone to share my life with.... Share!!! Not depend on for my happiness.... I am hurting right now myself and no matter how much it hurts, I will go on. Also, having a fulflling career can do wonders for you... as can exercising, hobbies, friends, family... I have been through a lot in my life... Much heartache, much disappointment.... much loss...but I am still here and I am still going to try...

[mental_traveller]

In future, maybe you should try not to make a relationship the main purpose of your life. Find something else meaningful, that is not potentially going to walk out the door at a moment's notice.

[Tony T]

I always liked what Forrest Gump had to say about life:

 

"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both, maybe both happening at the same time."

 

"Mama always had a simple way of sayin' things so I could understand. She said Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get."

 

I've thought about life's purpose, love, sorrow, etc. I always come full circle...not having a clue. I guess the fun is mostly in not being able to figure it out, not fully knowing its purpose but sort of making it up as you go. Once you solve a puzzle, it's no more fun.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Thanks guys for all the responses.

 

I'll write more tomorrow because I'm sleepy now.

 

Ariadne

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[Tony T]

Hi,

 

Thanks guys for all the responses.

 

I'll write more tomorrow because I'm sleepy now.

 

Ariadne

 

Not much of a better purpose than sleeping. It's so nice at the end of the day!

[Teacher's Pet]

I wanted a career too, but hell that was over rated. I like your idea better.

I am so scared that I am going to die alone. As I get older, it seems that I won't have children or a husband and I could just hide away in my house and no one would even know I exist.

 

Loneliness is probably the #1 fear of most people, even moreso than snakes (even on planes haha), bugs, and heights.

 

It's human nature to feel "strength in numbers", and when that number is "one", we tend to feel weak and helpless.

 

We all want to be in love, or we couldn't be on LS dealing with the LOSS of it.

 

The old song says "One is the loneliest number..." but lonely doesn't have to equate with "empty". While you are working on the "love situation", keep your life full of other good things. Friends, activities, heck, go read the Bible if you think it will make you feel uplifted.

 

Just remember that your life is only "empty" if you let it be. You can have the greatest boyfriend/girlfriend in the world and STILL feel empty inside.

 

At least you can win THAT battle in life.

 

Go forth, and party.

 

I'm here for ya.

 

-tp

[SuddenlyISee]

In future, maybe you should try not to make a relationship the main purpose of your life. Find something else meaningful, that is not potentially going to walk out the door at a moment's notice.

 

I totally agree with this, and it's where I fall down. I seem to push alot of things aside when I'm in love, and I know this is wrong.

[Becoming]

So WHY are you here? Not on LS, but on the planet? This is the existential question we all have to answer and until you do, nothing will satisfy you, all will disappoint.

 

If it's to have babies and be Suzie Homemaker, then you don't need a partner to do that. You just want a partner (completely understandable). But you don't need one in order to fulfill your purpose. There are several foster kids and children who need adopted and loved.

 

Right now, you're grieving a significant loss. If the bad feelings continue or get worse, you may be going through depression and need to see a dr. and/or therapist.

[blind_otter]

Accept your grieving process. The more you try to push it away the more it will encroach on other areas of your life.

 

Anyways, life sucks. Why not find something to smile about?

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Well, this was a long post to respond. Thanks so much for your input.

 

It's much too much burden to put on a mere human to make him THE source of YOUR happiness. MUCH too much!

 

I understand that. Yeah, I watch movies, read, exercise, but I guess must be missing something along the way.

 

People get sick, lose jobs, get illnesses, get cranky. There is no such thing as 'happy forever and ever'.

 

Well, I figured if you were with the right person they you'd be happy forever. I figured that all those things were nothing and easily overcome if you were with your soulmate (or whatever you want to call it).

 

You lost one set of dreams, one set of hopes, and part of a life. But there are many dreams and hopes and lives you can have and enjoy.

 

That's the problem, I don't "have" any other dreams. And you can't make dreams. I've tried, but they get old right away.

 

There's lots of different dishes to enjoy - lots of people to enjoy - and just because they aren't the perfect fettucine alfredo doesn't mean you can't enjoy them.

 

I guess you are right. Maybe I'm being stubborn and I should go out and find someone else. Sigh, I was so happy I had found my perfect fettucine.

 

It would be if you got a 'helping' job - say helping out at a kids' club or someplace where underprivileged people turn for help.

 

You know, I thought of that. I even went to some pet orphan place to volunteer, but that just ripped my heart to shreads so I stopped going. The dogs started to think I was their owner and waited for me the whole day and jumped of joy when they saw me, and I just left them back in their poor cages

 

But there are thousands of paths open to you, thousands of men you could still meet, thousands of hobbies, activities, and interests you could have.

 

Thank you. Yeah, I suppose.

 

But if you continue to feel that your interest in life is gone, see a counsellor because you could be depressed and require meds to kick start your body chemisty back into a less morose track.

 

Morose! That's the word for my life. I don't want to be medicated though.

 

If you go listen to a concert and think nothing but 'gee, this would be so much better if someone were with me'

 

You know, I never think of that. I never "wish" I was with someone doing whatever it is that I'm doing. I'm pretty much in the moment in that sense. I go to a restaurant and I almost enjoy being left alone.

 

I think it would be grand to have a nice companion.

 

I think what I really need is a purpose. My purpose was to find a soulmate to be with, but I guess that's too hard of a purpose to have. At least I suck at it.

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I feel the same way as everyone else except im coming to terms with the fact that my ex was a sociopath and he backed stabbed me for nearly 3 years...

 

Well, that's good. I'm coming to terms with the fact that the guy I love betrayed me. So that helped too.

 

I think we all will love again some day and it is only a matter of time!

 

That's a good point. I always seem to be in love with "someone."

 

So stay strong, everyone has hopes and dreams and everyones are shattered each day.

 

You know, you are very mature for your age. But I guess you've heard that many times before.

 

Thanks for your reply,

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

As I get older, it seems that I won't have children or a husband and I could just hide away in my house and no one would even know I exist.

 

Yeah, scary isn't it. I already feel that way, in a way. I feel like I'm hiding in my house already.

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hey you,

 

what you are going through is called an existential crisis.

 

I agree with you. I think that being 38 has gotten me in a midlife crisis. Maybe that's all there is to it.

 

Thanks,

 

Ariadne

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