is this relationship a deadend or worth the wait?...taking a break...

[krittal67]

Thanks Trulycute! I'm glad you are doing you best to keep to your vow of no contact. Just as I replied to your post his daughter called and ask why I wasn't at his their grandma's birthday, I told her I wasn't aware of it and she was confused they are a really close family that I have become part of and when she ask her dad where I was he simply said I think she is at home, and when she ask is anything wrong with you guys he said no I don't think so. "Why on earth would he think that" He knows that there is:confused: Maybe he is trying to keep it from the kids I don't know. I'm going to see his daughter today and his grandson because she ask me if I would and I know he wouldn't mind, but how am I suppose to pretend there is nothing wrong.

 

Totally confused!

I'm very tempted to call him because she said he left the b-day party early because he was sick and when I talked to him last he was sick and now I feel like an a** if I haven't called and he is sick.

[trulycute]

superconductor------should i call him today and tell him i'd like us to meet within the next few days to talk?.....

 

children don't always need to know all the adult stuff i have learned over the years....let their Dad tell them what is going on....

[krittal67]

Trulycute,

A friend just told me about a book titled "He's really Not Into You" I'm going to run out today and get a copy. May be worth the read might give us a new outlook into what is really going on?

[superconductor]

should i call him today and tell him i'd like us to meet within the next few days to talk?

Yes.

 

Now, you have to be prepared for at least 3 possibilities:

1. He'll know the reasons that you want to meet with him (few sentences are more dreaded by men than those infamous four words, "We need to talk") and call the whole thing off over the phone;
   
2. He'll beg and plead and promise to change;
   
3. He'll get angry because the rules of the thirty-day "break" have been broken.

How you handle any of these is, of course, entirely up to your own personality and the personality of the relationship that you and he have had.

 

But once you're sure that you're making the right decision - and in this case, I think you are (not that my opinion really has any validity here) - then stick to it and stay strong.

 

Good luck.

[reservoirdog1]

There are no hard and fast rules here, but if a guy told me he was confused/unsure/wanted to take a break etc. I would be SO out there, getting over him ! Would he let another man borrow his mercedes for a month and see how he "felt about it" ? I don't think so !

 

I have to admit, this is bang on. I'm the guy in a similar situation right now, unsure what I want, confused, all that shyt. And my dithering and indecision are hurting her. I think what I'm trying to do is build up the courage to either (a) leap into things with both feet, or (b) end it. Underlying the whole thing is the issue of whether or not I love her after four months, and if not, will I start to, and in any event, is it fair to keep her hanging on. Actually, I know the answer to the last one, and it's "definitely not fair".

[Mary3]

I have to admit, this is bang on. I'm the guy in a similar situation right now, unsure what I want, confused, all that shyt. And my dithering and indecision are hurting her. I think what I'm trying to do is build up the courage to either (a) leap into things with both feet, or (b) end it. Underlying the whole thing is the issue of whether or not I love her after four months, and if not, will I start to, and in any event, is it fair to keep her hanging on. Actually, I know the answer to the last one, and it's "definitely not fair".

 

That takes quite a man to be brave enough to admit what you are doing to her I hope all works out for you both.

[trulycute]

reservoirdog1 ......i am impressed with your honesty...you sound like my ex, exactly what he seemed to be going though (i'm not sure what he was going through, really).....take some time and listen to your heart....would you really miss this girl if she wasn't around?..would u like it if someone else was hanging around her?...does she make you feel good about urself when u two are together?.....is she always happy to see you?....you have to look at the BIG picture and find out if you LIKE this person, b/c that is what matters in the long run....but if u know you absolutley don't love her--let her go....respect her enough...

 

really really think things through before you walk away--b/c out of fear or uncertaintly, you may be walking away from the best thing that's ever come into your life....

 

the grass isn't always greener on the other side and for her once its over, it may always be over....

[superconductor]

really really think things through before you walk away--b/c out of fear or uncertaintly, you may be walking away from the best thing that's ever come into your life....

True, but there's another side to this coin as well.

 

Really, really think things through before you decide to stay, because of fear of never finding love again or similar issues. You may be missing out on the best thing that's just around the corner by sticking with someone out of habit or misplaced loyalty.

[reservoirdog1]

Yep, none of which makes this any easier. I've begun to wonder if what I'm seeking (that unbelievable combination of lust/love/can't-live-without-her) is an illusion. Or at least an illusion at my age.

 

I know I felt like that once, 14 years ago, for my now-ex wife. I was only 20 at the time. But is it possible that the more adult form of love, by definition, simply involves feelings of a lesser/different level of intensity?

 

When my marriage ended almost three years ago, I remember the unbelievable pain, the feeling that life without this person was too awful to imagine. That feeling went away with time.

 

Maybe that kind of feeling is unhealthy, and after a certain age or level of maturity we shouldn't be seeking it but instead seeking something more "mature" -- a partner we respect, love, desire, enjoy, and value, but the whole can't-live-without-them part is unnecessary or unhealthy.

 

I'm rambling a bit here, but these are my thoughts at the moment...

[trulycute]

i think u may still be able to have the "i just can't live without this person" at the ripe ole age of 35 (i am)...lol...but i think it comes from a more "mature" love...from knowing that this is someone you may like to grow old with and share a wonderful friendship as well as liking that person as a whole, the sex is still there but other things are just as important if not more so....

 

i agree with superconductor, know in your heart of hearts why you want to stay, why you want to go.....only you know what is right for you....

 

some people lose a love only to find a greater love....if only we knew that for sure then breakups wouldn't be so painful....

[swirly27]

I think the 'I can't live without them feeling' is still very much out there and is not an illusion so much, but it also needs to be recognized for what it really is......mainly LUST. When you feel that way about someone, it is usually a mix of hormones and desire and maybe even the chase, if she/he is giving one. After awhile, when lust grows into love, you still don't want to live without them, but its not as raw or breath-taking.....and thats a good thing though because ultimately we all want someone that we love with all our hearts, but that loves us back and if we HAVE to, we could live without them. I know what you are saying though resevoirdog1, as I am a hopeless romantic at heart and read too many books and watch too many chick flicks.....because I want to find someone that believes they couldn't live without me. But, I dated a guy once last year who practically seemed to feel that way after a week and it freaked me out....so I guess I should be careful what I wish for huh. lol

[swirly27]

Trulycute - I wish you all the best of luck in your decision with moving on with this guy. I hope everything works out for you for the best. Breakups suck, no question about it, but it must be hard when someone just asks for a break.....you have all these wonders and thoughts about why they would want a break and 9 times out of 10, its just a cop out based on uncertainty. Personally, I don't want to be with someone that is uncertain....I know there are exceptions to this and sometimes you give someone space and they figure things out and everything works out in the end - but most of the times they don't. I am still trying to learn from my experiences and I hate feeling like most outcomes seem to be based on games or egos. If you end things with him, will he all of a sudden realize what he's missing and grasp harder? And if so, would he have acted that way had you not decided to move? But if you decide to hang in there and want things to work at the end of the month, will he want to walk away? It can just get so tiring can't it? I guess with the right person, it won't be that way. UGH

[josie54]

really really think things through before you walk away--b/c out of fear or uncertaintly, you may be walking away from the best thing that's ever come into your life.....

 

the grass isn't always greener on the other side and for her once its over, it may always be over...

 

True, but there's another side to this coin as well.

 

Really, really think things through before you decide to stay, because of fear of never finding love again or similar issues. You may be missing out on the best thing that's just around the corner by sticking with someone out of habit or misplaced loyalty.

 

 

Those two comments, in a nutshell, represent what's wrong with relationships. Sometimes, there is absolutely no way to tell which situation you're in, and in that case, you are absolutely 100 percent doomed. How on earth do you know which is which? People say "Listen to your heart." For me, that's nonsense. My heart has been wrong in the past, and for other people, the heart doesn't help one darn bit. It's heartBREAKING to be in such a position where your heart doesn't tell you one way or another whether you should stay or leave this person. (Or in my case, tells you to do both.) Both options leave you devastated.

 

Those who know they love someone, or that they don't, should thank their lucky stars and hope that they are never in a position to simply not know. It's the worst Catch-22 in the world, and right now, it seems inescapable.

 

So, trulycute, at least you know what side you're on! That, in itself, is something to be thankful for.

 

[And, reservoirdog, I'm right there with you. And I don't have any answers either.]

[trulycute]

josie34.....i have to know what side i'm on--no more confusion, no more waiting---i have made up my mind that i deserve more than to be sitting around wondering if someone is into me or not--with the right person i would feel it in my gut.....so it's not him, someone better for me then....and to be honest its a wonderful feeling to know that someday i will meet the right man for me--could be today, could be next week, could be next month--but it will happen....

 

Swirly27.....i agree with everything you said in ur posts and thank you for wishing me luck--i just think my EX even though he is 34, isn't ready for a relationship that mature adults have--he has issues and shyt that he needs to work on, that i can not help him with---he wasn't ready for me....

 

superconductor......how true ur statement is---my Mr Right may be waiting around the corner wondering what took me so long to decide that other guy wasn't for me....LOL....