is this relationship a deadend or worth the wait?...taking a break...

[trulycute]

i was seriously seeing someone (i fell in love and want to someday marry this man, and i think he fell for me too)for 3 1/2 mths when he told me recently that he doesn't know how he feels, is unsure, doesn't know if he loves me or not, doesn't know if he's ready for a serious relationship right now b/c he has a lot of things going on in his life. he's looking for a second job as well.

 

he told me that he felt overwhelmed by everything that is going on and that maybe i came on too strong sometimes and it scared him. he pursued me from the beginning and always called everyday and asked me out at the beginning of the week to do something with him that coming week, he even called me numerous times while he was away for work and then within a couple of days of him returning from his trip he says he's confused and is unsure...

 

he told me he still has feelings for me, is still attracted to me and cares about me but he doesn't know if he can continue...he still wants us to be together as friends and hang out and not go so fast and work from there...

 

we hung out for 6 hrs that evening, talked more, cuddled, kissed and hugged (nothing sexual), went out to eat, and went for a walk....during the evening i suggested that we take a break from each other for a month and then see how we feel after being apart for that long...he agreed and said he thought that was a great idea...we would then decide after a month if we want to break up for good or continue working on the relationship but at a much slower pace...

 

he said that he would be in touch and in my mind i have already decided to have no contact in that month with him and let him contact me....i want him to miss me....everyone says he'll call within 2 wks b/c he was so attentative with me...we had a great connection and confided in each other on everything, alot going for us so i think he just got spooked and ran...

 

what do u guys think?...is this a relationship worth waiting and fighting for?...we're both in our 30's and looking at this as being a more serious thing...

 

i really need some input on this...thanks everyone!..

[superconductor]

You've kind of boxed yourself into a corner, unfortunately, when you told him that you wanted a month-long break.

 

If he contacts you before the month is up, then he's not paying attention to your request.

 

But if he doesn't, you may feel conclude that he's not as interested as you thought.

 

And when you say that you "want him to miss me," why on earth would you want that? Does absence make the heart really grow fonder? Or is it more out of sight, out of mind?

 

Look, bottom line is this: Most men (including yours truly) interpret "taking a break" as "I'm through with this relationship but I don't want to tell you to your face."

 

If you're truly interested in this fellow, drop the "make him miss me" and "take a break" games.

 

And if you conclude that maybe he hasn't got the qualities you're looking for... doing anything later tonight?

[newbby]

well i dont know about boxing yourself into a corner, he seemed to jump at the chance of having space. if he contacts you within the month maybe say you want him to wait out the full month until he is really sure its what he wants? dont contact him, but dont wait either, it doesnt mean you shoudl date anyone else, but just fill your life with other interests. if he was looking for an easy way out then you will have made the rest of your life better and will find it easier to deal with.

[trulycute]

he wanted to break up first b/c he stated something doesn't feel right right now and then he agreed to the "break" and to reevalute the relationship after a months time to see how we feel..he said that he thought it was a great idea..he can contact me within the month and i told him that he can...i figure if he contacts me before the month is up then thats a good sign, i don't think he'll wait the month, but who knows...i won't contact him at all, just keep busy in the meantime....

 

what is ur take on the whole snuggling, kissing, hugging (still being affectionate)?.....

 

this relationship is important to me and i don't want to screw things up....

[Max Overclock]

IMHO, a break is a complete break. No cuddling, no kissing and indeed, no contact within that time period.

 

Remember:

Absence is to love, what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, and emblazens the large.

 

Full on no contact for 31 days. That's the way to go.

 

God Bless.

 

Max

[trulycute]

Max caress......no what i mean about the hugging and kissing stuff is that is how we were on the night we decided to take a break....so what does that mean that he was like that with me that night?...

[Kengne]

Max caress......no what i mean about the hugging and kissing stuff is that is how we were on the night we decided to take a break....so what does that mean that he was like that with me that night?...

 

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just because he is feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about the relationship, does not mean he is no longer physically attracted to you. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

Just don't let the attraction between you two turn into a FWB situation.

 

And as others stated, there is no such thing as a 'break'. You're either 100% in the rel'ship... or 100% out. Did you even discuss whether or not you would see other people during this 'break'? SMH.

 

In any case... I understand you have strong feelings for this man, but right now NC is the best thing you could've suggested. He needs to be away from you, and truly MISS you in his life if he is to ever come back ready to restart the rel'ship. You already agreed that you came on too strong in the beginning.

 

So now is time for you to FALL back... WAYYYYYYY back. Let him contact you. Expect the worst, and hope for the best. If it's meant to be - he'll come back.

 

Good luck!

 

K.

[superconductor]

If it's meant to be - he'll come back.

Nonsense.

 

Nothing's "meant to be" in relationships. A relationship is hard work, dammit, and infantile phrases like "it's meant to be" and similar drivel discount the work that has to go into a successful partnership.

 

In short, never be fooled by relationship cliches. They're either wrong, or just plain dangerous.

[Road Rage]

You are truly cute, and it seems you are holding onto a bladeless knife with no handle with this relationship.

[trulycute]

Just because he is feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about the relationship, does not mean he is no longer physically attracted to you.

>>he has stated that he is still physically attracted to me, but why would he be acting like that still towards me if he's unsure of the relationship at that point?...

 

we said that we would not see other people during this time, just take the time to work on what needs to be worked out ....he said to think of us as being seperated but working on this situation together...

 

i agree with you that falling way way back is my only option b/c if i contact him now i will push him even further away and lose him for good...

 

"holding a bladeless knife with no handle with this relationship"...ouch!...i don't think of it as being that bad..lol...

 

Thank You to everyone for all ur responses---its awesome to hear what people think...keep it coming...

[trulycute]

he suggested starting over fresh as friends and taking it from there and not rushing to the next stage, he means no sex right away until/if we reach that stage but still being affectionate (hugging and kissing), and hanging out...getting to know one another and letting things progress more naturally.....he suggested this b/c he states to have feelings for me, likes me, is attracted, and cares about me...

 

thoughts on that?....

[ImmaBeAlright]

Sorry, I didn't read the whole post, just answering from the title. Never, ever wait for anyone. Yes, they want to sort their lives out or for whatever reason they want a break. But they shouldn't do that on your time.

 

I learnt that the hard way, next time for me, if a person wants a break, I'll go one step further and give them a breakup. Anytime you look a person looks at the relationship and go: Mhhhhhhh... I'm not sure, that's my cue to get out.

[InaPanic]

it really hurts when someone says they want to take a break because if you don't want it you hold onto hope that it is indeed just a break but i think men sometimes do this to make it a little easier on themselves when what they really want is a break up but aren't brave enough to do it.

my situation is very different but i just had a 'break' too & I am trying to do NC. Good luck with it. I'm sorry he has hurt you because you really seem to care for this guy.

[Tricia23]

Hello..

 

I did the same thing with my boyfriend. I took 2 breaks from him because I wasn't sure what I really wanted. I still saw him and things weren't really any diffrent, but I just had a little bit more freedom. But during the break I ended up with someone else for about 2 months. My boyfriend found out about it and was truly heartbroken....We got back together and things were fine for so long and then we took another break....After this recent break, he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me, so he ended it with me.

 

As of right now we are taking small steps to see if we can get back to the romantic feeling for each other....I did miss him alot, but just make sure you don't loose complete contact with him....My mind wondered alot as to what he was doing when I wasn't around. I'm sure your boyfriend is staying faithful, but to be honest with you, the break we took really didn't do much, it only distanced us...So just always remember to follow your heart and do what feels right for you.....

 

 

Good Luck with everything!!

[trulycute]

thank you to everyone for the honest opinions--i so greatly appreciate them all!!....

 

well day 5 of NC.....he was online for the past 2 days and neither one of us contacted each other and then today i see that he has deleted me from his msn list as of today(you can check that through personal settings and i sometimes randomly do that), i'm not sure why he did that but, i think its to limit his tempation of contacting me and respecting the 1 month of NC.....or maybe he has made up his mind already, but knowing him like i do, i think he would of told me its over for good...

 

how i see it is how is he surpose to know what its like to miss me and not have me in his life for this month if everytime he logs on, he sees my name there?.....

 

all i can do in the meantime is wait it out, and see what happens when the month is up...

 

any thoughts anyone??.....

[superconductor]

I urge you not to spend the month waiting around.

 

Go out! Have fun! Enjoy your singlehood! (That doesn't mean sleeping with anyone, of course, unless it's me )

 

But seriously, don't spend any time pining by the phone or computer awaiting contact. Live LIFE!!

[trulycute]

i agree with you--and i am getting out and keeping busy, i'm always busy....if he wants to find me, he knows how to....

 

i'm starting to think though that with each day that passes that maybe he's not for me after all....so i'm glad for this time to sort things out.....however things may work out....time is of the essence....

[melodymatters]

There are no hard and fast rules here, but if a guy told me he was confused/unsure/wanted to take a break etc. I would be SO out there, getting over him ! Would he let another man borrow his mercedes for a month and see how he "felt about it" ? I don't think so !

 

You seem really pretty and smart and sweet, and my feeling is you fell in love and are now slowly eroding away your sense of pride, and ignoring the red flags cause you don't want to see them. I hope I'm wrong, but GET OUT THERE ! Don't have sex with anyone else, but date and have fun and build up your sense of self esteem, so that if he DOES want to come back, your on a different plane: Not I love him so much, but more, he's cool, but SO THE HELL AM I.

 

A cliche that always rang true for me is : " No man is worth your tears, and the ones who are, won't make you cry".......or make you wait a month for his " decsion".

 

Get out there and rock YOUR world !!!

 

Melody

[trulycute]

thanks Melody for a kick ass response...lol....and also thanks to superconductor as well....all ur responses are really great and things i need to hear....i don't want things to be sugercoated....

 

i would love to hear from NORAJANE....i've read some of her post and she's to the point and blunt and i highly respect that..

 

it's just hard to move on and not think of the person and how one day they're acting like everything is cool and then nothing the next day....i know people change their minds and stuff, but in the past i can usually see a breakup coming...not this time....even though like Melody said there may of been some signs but that was also me thinking i was just overthinking....

 

always trust my gut.....the pain should never outweigh the pleasure of a relationship....

 

if not him, somebody better.....

 

his loss...

 

positive self-talk works...lol...

[krittal67]

I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. In the beginning it was fun and exciting one because we are co-workers and two he was newly divorced, and had grown children and didn't want to hurt them, which really made me respect him even if it was difficult at times. I have now become a part of his kids life as well as his grandson. In the past month though he has been a little distant at times and I ask him what was wrong, he says he is not sure and he is messed up right now, I said how can you say that after a year...his reply was a year is not that long! WHAT? I did not know how to take that...to me a year is something after telling each other that you love them. I made the decision a couple of days ago to let him have his space and he could contact me when he figures it out. I don't want to pressure him, but at the same time I don't want to play games and feel like he is never going to let me into his life fully. It's killing me not to talk to him, but I have to keep my vow not to call him. Not that I'm trying to prove a point, but I have to have some pride and respect for myself and not let him just think he can change his mind at the drop of a hat. I sat down a little while back and made a list of everything I liked about him vs. everything I don't and the bad out weighed the good, however that doesn't make me not care.

 

All in all I hope you can be strong as well...I wish you luck in finding out if he is the one for you.

[trulycute]

thank you Krittal67 for your story....it always helps to feel that we're not alone.....

 

i know exactly how you feel....

 

i feel in my heart i have to give him this month to do whatever he needs to do and i live my own life, do my own thing and then come together at a month and see how we both feel....we had a great connection and a good friendship, something real....

 

i also did the pros and cons list and thankfully in my case the good outweighed the bad....a month isn't that long in the whole scheme of things.....

 

and if it doesn't continue than we both move on knowing we thought it throughly and ended it very well...

good endings lead to good beginnings...

 

or we work out our ****....lol....his feelings for me will bring him back, if he truly cares and sees me as his future, then he'll be back and if not, best to find out now then months down the road....

 

i owe it to what our relationship meant to wait this out a bit.....

 

so Krittal67, waiting is a good thing---put it on the backburner and see how you both feel after a little while....good luck to you too...

[missdeathwish]

I'm in a similar boat. But mine's a dingy, the ship has sailed and left me, and I'm on to greener pastures, but still really want him. (Ugh, and now I'm mixing metaphors.)

 

Anyway, short answer: don't hold your breath. I don't mean that in a discouraging way. I just mean that I agree with everyone who said to go out and have fun. It's hard, I know that. But it's probably the best thing you can do, both for yourself and for the game.

 

I'm going to tell you to listen to your heart on this one. I'm not giving up on mine, even though he's seeing someone else and I haven't had any contact for two months. Or was it three? I don't know. Anyway, yeah. My guy was kind of a jerk but I love him anyway. I want to be with him. Emotions and chemistry are weird like that. I'd love to marry my guy and have kids with him, but he's 36 and hasn't done either. If he hasn't by now, he probably never will. Your guy might be acting like a jerk, but you love him anyway. You want to marry him, even though you'd never list "flaky" or "noncommittal" on your master list of "Traits I Want My Future Husband to Have." Anyway, the news you've been waiting for: You don't need to "move on" or "let him go" or anything like that, emotionally.

 

However, in practice, try to do both for now. Be strict. Don't call. Don't write. Don't email. Don't message. Don't look at his profile. Etc. It will keep you from breaking NC, and it does make it easier to, ya know, live. It sounds hard, but the more you can do without putting him more into your life than he already is (mentally and emotionally), the better.

 

If, at the end of one month, you haven't heard from him, you can write, but I'd say not to bother with the relationship now. He probably needs to do some growing up. I wouldn't count on the "calling in less than 2 weeks" thing, either. My guy was super-attentive and treated me better than anyone has. (You can go read my story.) But he up and disappeared on me. In the meantime, this helps: [COLOR=#0000ff]Throw Rocks At Boys[/COLOR]

 

Best of luck to you. If you want to commiserate, drop me a line. I'd offer to go out for beer, but that would only work if you live in the Seattle area.

[Mary3]

I urge you not to spend the month waiting around.

 

Go out! Have fun! Enjoy your singlehood! (That doesn't mean sleeping with anyone, of course, unless it's me )

 

But seriously, don't spend any time pining by the phone or computer awaiting contact. Live LIFE!!

 

I TOTALLY agree with this post ! A break really means : " I dont feel the same way about you anymore , I feel a little guilt about doing the deed... so I will tell you I need to be away for awhile " . :

 

HELLO ? If someone loves you they WANT TO be with you.

 

Nuff said.

 

Don't wait for the clown . Get out there and circulate.

[trulycute]

thank you for all the responses and after much consideration and alot thinking (looking at everything including the bad stuff too and how i TRULY feel)....

 

i am moving on....i deserve better than this....i deserve to find someone who doesn't make me wonder about his feelings about me, someone who knows he wants to be with me....

 

i'm single again......and taking it one day at a time....

 

now my big question is....how do i contact him to let him know that I HAVE made up MY mind about us?.....should i call him now or wait till the month is up?....

 

he's just not into me and i need to not waste anymore time "wondering and analyzing".....it hurts when someone rejects you, but now i'm thinking he did us both a favor by being unsure....

 

you guys are all awesome!!...thanks for the repsonses....

[superconductor]

how do i contact him to let him know that I HAVE made up MY mind about us?.....should i call him now or wait till the month is up?

IMHO, the honourable thing to do would be to meet him face-to-face and tell him your decision. You don't have to give him reasons; you just have to be strong and maintain your cool. Then go full and complete NC.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but it's really the only way that both you and he will be able to heal and move on.

 

Good luck.