Author lyfelite Posted August 22, 2006 Author Posted August 22, 2006 Okay by the time he/she grows up anything can happen. 1. I could have found some one else and married that person. 2. MM could get divorced and be in his/her life. 3. MM could be in his/her life and I could be married to someone else. 4. he/she could have a happy existence and not give two cents. 5. he/she could care and want to meet said people. Fine by me. 6. MM could die before he/she is old enough to even remeber or care who he is. 7. I could die and he/she would be raised by her gaurdians who I appoint. There are so many variables in this - once its older that that just a few. I mean anything is possible or probably. Just like you all seem think that that there is only one way this person will grow up and that is in a confused lonely state. and I have to say that is not true. Last night I spoke to one of my friends mothers. Her situation when she was growing up was similar. Which is why I think -my best friend is supportive of it- really because she knows it doesn't always turn out bad. Her mother and sister (twins)were the product of an extra-martial affair. Their mother died when the girls were 4 and they ended up having to go live with their dad and his wife. I asked her if it sucked. She said sometimes, but ultimately their dad did love them and things worked out. She told me it can have gone either way. But to this day her own children call their grandfather's wife their grandmother. Because that is the only grandparents they have ever known. She said and she is my mother because that is the only mother I have ever known. She said it wasn't a life without problems but what life ever is without problems. And that I appreciate because its the truth. And my friends mother is in her early sixties. I'm very close with her mom and respect her greatly so it was a talk worth having.
consternation Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I think if your argument for using MM instead of sperm donor is that you will know things about background, child able to know father etc - USE A MALE FRIEND!! Maybe that guy friend you asked about this with. For gods sake don't have a child with your MM. I'm sorry but it is so inappropriate in every way. I don't think I can read this thread any more because I find it so frustrating someone would even think of being so insane. Ask your best male friend to help you out. What you are considering is wrong.
norajane Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Okay by the time he/she grows up anything can happen. 1. I could have found some one else and married that person. You'd have to explain to your fiancee who the father of your child is. And your fiancee might not want to marry a woman who had a child with her OM. Why get involved in such a messy situation? If that guy does marry you, he could never adopt your child because your child would already have a father. 2. MM could get divorced and be in his/her life. Or NOT. He's not divorced now, and isn't making any plans to be. 3. MM could be in his/her life and I could be married to someone else. Same as #1. 4. he/she could have a happy existence and not give two cents. Your child will always want to know about his/her father. And knowing that he is someone who was in your life will mean that s/he will want to meet him one day. For sure. 5. he/she could care and want to meet said people. Fine by me. But maybe not with MM's wife. Or his kids, who might feel betrayed that their father had another child with his mistress. 6. MM could die before he/she is old enough to even remeber or care who he is. S/he will always care who her father is. She will want to meet his other children to find that connection. And she'll wonder why those children were more important than she was to him. And she'll never get any answers from him because he's gone. 7. I could die and he/she would be raised by her gaurdians who I appoint. If he's her biological father, his rights would prevail. You really want this man to father your child, don't you? For that reason alone, you shouldn't do it. He means more to you than you're admitting to yourself. He's married. He has a wife. She needs to agree to this and all of you have this out in the open or just don't do it.
MrsHellFire Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 You are hell-bent on making this guy the father, which to me only means that you are trying to tie him to you in SOME form or other. Or maybe you feel that raising a child could possibly be harder than you thought and want a pre-existing father in the situation. I have no idea, but this seeems to be a very messed up way to bring a child into the world. The child would probably end up hating his/her father because he will choose his own family first over him/her.
TheSilentType Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Didn't read all the posts, so I may be repeating what has already been said. I would say go with the insemination by the sperm bank. It will be less of a hassle for you. What if this guy decides not to sign away his parental rights? And do you think you his wife is actually going to let him come and visit your kid often, if at all? Save your self the worry and don't get involved in such a mess. It will be good for you and good for them. Really question yourself why this guy is so eager to be your kid's father...You guys may be having a "fun" relationship now, but once a kid comes in the way I'm sure its going to take a drastic turn...and if things should sour between you two, your going to have to deal with him for a long time without being able to make with a clean break For someone who says they are so academically accomplished, you have little common sense. And your family members that support this silly scheme are just plain crazy and moronic
TheSilentType Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I don't know why that smily is there in my previous post...lol
Author lyfelite Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 To Consternation- I'm sorry this has frustraited you so much. And your suggestion about my male friend would be good if he weren't married too!! And although his marriage is complete rubbish-- as his wife cheats on him in his face and shamelessly- But that is for a different thread. Lets just say that is a big fat NO. As for the other two who said that I'm hell bent on having this man's baby. I'm not. I'm not trying to get him in some way. Seriously, if i were trying to get him someway i would have already been pregnant, and possible have had two kids with him- as time, means and opportunity have seen there. So think about it... In the last 3 almost 4 years I've had plenty of time to try and get knocked up by him but haven't. So there is no entrapment here on my part. Like I said this was his idea. Since beginning this thread I have some to realize that there are certain issues we need to discuss more. I don't feel like MM wanting to have a child by me is in anyway controlling. He really just isn't that type of person. As for this comment "For someone who says they are so academically accomplished, you have little common sense. And your family members that support this silly scheme are just plain crazy and moronic" I am not lacking in common sense, nor is anyone in my family moronic. Plan and simple like I've said before Its hard to put everything of your relationship into a posted thread and there are simply things that would take too much time and are too revealing to post on here. But thanks for the comments.
blind_otter Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Last night I spoke to one of my friends mothers. Her situation when she was growing up was similar. Which is why I think -my best friend is supportive of it- really because she knows it doesn't always turn out bad. Her mother and sister (twins)were the product of an extra-martial affair. Their mother died when the girls were 4 and they ended up having to go live with their dad and his wife. I asked her if it sucked. She said sometimes, but ultimately their dad did love them and things worked out. She told me it can have gone either way. But to this day her own children call their grandfather's wife their grandmother. Because that is the only grandparents they have ever known. She said and she is my mother because that is the only mother I have ever known. She said it wasn't a life without problems but what life ever is without problems. For every one of those stories there are many bad ones as well. Anyways, no offense, I read the whole thread. Seems to me that the whole idea is pretty dumb, but hey. It's your party!
Author lyfelite Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 For every one of those stories there are many bad ones as well. Anyways, no offense, I read the whole thread. Seems to me that the whole idea is pretty dumb, but hey. It's your party! Thanks Otter-- And I know its all very entertaining. But you have to remember there are real people and real lives on the other end of the screen. And I have maybe a weird way of looking at the world. I think I have become incredible desensatized to things just because I think everyone in my age group is cheating or having an affair with someone- or has. So I really just don't think about it like this some terrible crime again humanity. And since I deal with crimes against humanity believe me--getting a little nookie on the side does not qualify.
blind_otter Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Thanks Otter-- And I know its all very entertaining. But you have to remember there are real people and real lives on the other end of the screen. no sh*t, sherlock. my dramas are just as entertaining, I'm sure. And I have maybe a weird way of looking at the world. I think I have become incredible desensatized to things just because I think everyone in my age group is cheating or having an affair with someone- or has. So I really just don't think about it like this some terrible crime again humanity. And since I deal with crimes against humanity believe me--getting a little nookie on the side does not qualify. Hey I used to think like that, too. no harm, no foul. Of course I believed this when I, myself, engaged in the behavior. Now I sincerely believe that everyone deserves the same treatment that I would hope to receive. Since I would hope that men I am involved with don't cheat on ME, I don't cheat either. Karma's a bitch. I know that first hand. I'mjustsaying.
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 To Consternation- I'm sorry this has frustraited you so much. And your suggestion about my male friend would be good if he weren't married too!! And although his marriage is complete rubbish-- as his wife cheats on him in his face and shamelessly- But that is for a different thread. Lets just say that is a big fat NO. This hit me odd considering this post.... I am not trying to be a screwhead... but it hit me very odd....... perhaps I am seeing something or not? And I have maybe a weird way of looking at the world. I think I have become incredible desensatized to things just because I think everyone in my age group is cheating or having an affair with someone- or has. So I really just don't think about it like this some terrible crime again humanity. And since I deal with crimes against humanity believe me--getting a little nookie on the side does not qualify
Author lyfelite Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 a4a-- what is it you think your seeing?
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 a4a-- what is it you think your seeing? well in this format it is hard to see real expression and meaning but by just looking at the two different posts by you: It looks as though you are kinda judging the friends wife for being a cheater. (shamelessly cheating in front of his face) It looks like you are saying in the lower one that it is ok to cheat and no big deal. And it is a fact that you are involved with a cheating man. I am not saying anything about that in itself.....but there seems to be a form of different judgement between the cheater wife, your MM, and what you think is normal and no big deal to be cheating in the first place. or/and another way to look at it It just struck me as strange and that perhaps yourself and your MM belonged to a different class of cheaters ( I hate that word) than the wife of your friend??? This is not an attack I am very curious.... because it just read that way to me and could be very wrong as to how I took it......or not.
Author lyfelite Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Ahh I see what your saying. I guess the under tones that you hear is that I dislike his wife. And my dislike for her isn't centered on her cheating. But the fact that she completely has used him for money, to get citizenship, to take care of her family etc. And his wife is abuse physically, and emotionally. And I suppose in that respect yea I think maybe I do look at MM and I as being different. Because we don't have those type of issues. I find the dynamic very intersting between my friend, his wife, and her boyfriend. My friends's position is as long as the boyfriends around I don't have to deal with her. And it works... I mean for the most part. I have learned to not get upset when he calls with the lastest crazyiness from his spouse. Do I think they are one happy co-habitating bunch-nope. But I suppose with time they all maybe. And yes her boyfriend does live with them. And before any one thinks of suggesting it... HELLLLLLL NOOOOO I don't want the same. I know you all think my situation is crazy but look, I would add two more dashes of nutter-butter into the pot, if I even could see myself just saying yea lets all just live together. HELLL NO. My friends self esteem is shot to ****. Mine is not-- no matter what anyone thinks. I don't want to be his kids step-mother. And I sure as hell am not trying to be wife #2.
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 And I sure as hell am not trying to be wife #2. well if you use his sperm there is a good chance you will be forced to be tied to him for the rest of your life or until your child is 18 years old. I think you like your freedom, using his sperm no matter how much it seem right or for that matter easier could indeed threaten your freedom if he ever decided to press staying in the childs life and on his terms. You dump him, he decides he is pissed uses the kid to make your life hell. You find another man, he does not like it..... again he has clout as he can use the kid to get into your life. He dumps you and decides he wants custody....... again you are tied to him. I would never risk my freedom like that if I were in your position.
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Yea I know. I love my freedom. well so do I, and if in your shoes I would not risk it...... nope.... no way. go to the bank. The sperm bank won't do the things I posted above. Your not stupid..... you know it could happen. Dealing with humans here. Don't risk it.
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I just don't see how bringing children into this mix is healthy.
Author lyfelite Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 The definition for "Healthy" relationships can be termed in many ways. Because i don't see our relationship as being unhealthy I've been called naive and moron and all sorts of things on here. Its like I read in someone else post today. Some people stay in a marriage that is unhealthy knowling full well it may never change. So they end up getting into these extra-marital relationships because at least that is an outlet. More or less I think that is directly MM's problem. That being said... I mean the cons to doing this are fewer than the pro's. a4a had a very good con and I added it to the list. And this is something that is being discussed with MM as I am writing this reply.
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