Having Kids with MM

[lyfelite]

Ok most people will look at this title and think - is she insane? Perhaps. But here is the story.

 

I met my MM 4 years ago. I work for the government and he works for his government. Over the years we've been able to maintain a steady and fun relationship. During this time I have had other relationships as well. He is very aware that he is not the center of my universe nor I his. We just have fun together and are very like minded. I think of him as my best friends with benifits. Someone I can always keep things real with. He feels the same.

 

There isn't anything we do not speak freely about. As his marriage, they have an open relationship- at least this is my belief. One that is based on the fact that he has told me of one three-some he and his wife had. I don't really think much of this just because I figure all people experiment every now and then. And good for them. This three-some happend before he and I met. And he says that nothing remotely like this has happend after we met. I have in a jokingly way asked why he never considered having a threesome with me... and he says he would never knowlingly hare me with anyone else.

 

About 5 years ago -- actually November of 2002. I opened an account with a large sperm bank and have deposited money into this account every month. Its sort of like a savings program to help defry the cost of insemination and cold storage. Any how I met the MM in January of 2003. And over the years we've had conversations about children. He has two boys that are teenagers, and is very close to them. He is a great father. At any rate, last week I got the go ahead by the fertility docotr that I was ready for my insemincation. I told my MM this and he asked if I were really serious about it. I said of course I am.

 

You see my profession really doesn't afford me the opportunity to meet and maintain deeply committed relationships unless a guy is willing to only see me about one week out of the month because I constantly have to travel. And I know many of you may think and what kind of life is that for a child. Well in anticipation of this, I have tried to scale back my traveling. And so far its working. But I'm not willing to put off motherhood in hopes to meet the right guy.

 

Getting back to the issue... so my MM-- lets call hime Derrick. So Derrick and I sit down and have a 7 hour conversation about my decission. During the conversation he brings up the fact he doesn't want me to go through a donor but he would like to be the father. We talk about this more, and the effects it would have on our lives, he isn't so concerned with boys because they are nearly grown at 17 and 18 and feels that they wouldn't care one way or the other. He is very into the idea and says that he hope we have a girl. And just today has called to tell me he's made an appointment with a doctor to make sure his sperm count is still -well good.

 

I have asked my best friends and family members what they think of this. They have all been very supportive and think that its a fine idea. I too am amazed at how many of them think its fine. I also am surprised that I'm the one having issues with this. From reading many of the posts on here I see many of the OW on here want to be their MM one and only - or that some people think they want or deserve more. I think Derrick and I have a bit of a different situation and in so far as that we both complete respect each others lives. I know for one I don't have the time it takes to be some ones wife full time. One the rare occassion I make time to be with a man it generally never works out. This is why he and I have lasted for so long.

 

But now that i'm thinking of bringing a new life into the world i sit here wondering what is the best way... my child could never know its father -or- only know its dad as Donor # 123456 or it can have a father that it knows and loves it. In this instance I do feel like the my affair is a bit pologamous in nature and I think **** if it worked for thousands of years who am I to mess with it.

 

So like the others before me I know there will be some who will want to burn me at the stake. And then there will be others that will be un-judgemental.

 

So bottom line- Should I let my MM impregnant me?

[norajane]

I'm sure you'd like to believe his wife is ok with an open relationship, but having a threesome once doesn't mean she's ok with him having sex for years with another woman. She probably has no idea, which means he's cheating and lying to her about it.

 

So, you've got a liar and a cheat, and this is the man you want a baby with?

 

Nowhere in your post do you mention you and OM discussing how having this child together would affect his wife. What happens when she finds out? And believe me, if he's in your child's life, eventually, his wife will find out.

 

And what will you tell your child about his/her father? Yes, mommy was cheating with a married man and we had you!

 

If you so deseparately need to have a child, go through the donor program as you orginally planned. And stop cheating - not a good thing to teach your child.

 

Guess that's me burning you at the stake. Perhaps someone else will come along and tell you what you want to hear.

[newbby]

i think there are too many unknowns with this mm to take such a big step with him. any of these unknowns can pop up in the future and make both yours and your child/rens life complicated and difficult. i dont know if you are being realistic in any of these plans.

if he has an open relationship then it must also be okay to discuss this with his wife? it wouldnt matter if she knew about you then would it? or is the relationship not quite that open?

i can see where you are coming from, but i just think you are being unrealistic. can i just ask? if all the people around you in RL are being so supportive and in agreement of this plan, why are you asking about it in this forum?

[quankanne]

am not going to burn you at the stake, but I will be more than happy to give you a swift kick in the hiney:

 

your married man, who is in an open marriage, says he thinks his kids will be alright with him fathering another child by another woman? Excuse me? I know of adult children whose parents have divorced and remarried, and someone (often the dad) has started another family, and there's a lot of torn feelings about that, and it's legitimately done! Just because his kids are teens doesn't mean they won't care about this, especially if their dad is supposed to be in a marriage with their mom.

 

if this man is serious, he should consider leaving his wife and family (since he feels his kids are old enough and prolly don't care) before starting up another one, whether or not you two choose to tie the knot.

 

he probably does care for you, and prolly does want to help with this baby issue, but come on? Who is he being fair to? His marriage partner? You? His kids? The kid he offers to be the sperm donor for? If he didn't have obligations to a family already, it would be a whole 'nother story, but for now, it sounds like he's trying to keep you where he wants you, without regard to the other players in this soap opera.

 

other thing to consider is what happens if you decide to break up with this man – a sperm donor will be much easier to explain away than a married man who isn't married to you, but is the child's daddy ...

[The slayer]

In answer to your question I'd say no, but probably not for the reasons you expect.

 

I completely empathise with your desire to have a child, and the fact that your job has made it very difficult for you to meet the right guy, However IMHO......

 

"But I'm not willing to put off motherhood in hopes to meet the right guy."

 

Is taking completely the wrong approach to motherhood. Not because I disapprove of single parents, because I don't, but because you are entering into motherhood with the wrong attitude. It's not all about you and what you want.

 

If you really want to have a child, the most sensible way forward would be to reasses your life choices ,your job, your relationship and start to move towards getting yourself to the place where you could perhaps find a suitable partner you could start a family with.

[lover's rock]

This seems like a complicated situation. Honestly, you haven't given us any information as far as his wife and you. If they have an open relationship, that means that he dates and she dates and they both know about it. They may have sex with other people but that depends on if that's in the contract between the two of them. If that's okay with her, why haven't you two met? If they've had a threesome, maybe she's bi and wouldn't mind all of you spending time together? I've seen relationships like that where the girlfriend lives with the married couple and they all have matching rings, etc. and so forth. But that's the agreement set forth between them...and in that case, the wife brought her home.

 

Unless the agreement is okay between the THREE of you, I don't see how you could go through with having this man's baby. Anything can creep up on you and unless you know the wife personally, there's not a chance that this won't blow up in your face at some point.

 

Your friends haven't raised these questions or concerns? Are they really your friends???

[lyfelite]

First off I didn't say this was the person I wanted to have a child with- just that it is an option.

 

As for the W being ok with it, I'm sure she wouldn't be- who would?

Oh yea that right half the other women out there dealing with the same Baby daddy issues.

 

As for what I tell my kid, well yea I'd have to break that sad bit of news to it one day. Or depending on how things may or may not go- not at all. I'm not looking for validation really, because like I said I had an overwhelming of positive repsonse from family and friends that know us both.

 

Sometimes there are no clear black or white realities in these situations, and well you just have to deal with the gray. I'm not one of these people think that their MM will leave his wife or pining away for it. I take care of my business and let him deal with his. When we met orriginally they were seperated and he has left her a few times there after but goes back because she threatens to take his kids. So I can't fault him for that- he is a very loving and caring person. Of course you may not think so because of his disrepect of his W feelings. But like I have told him not my problem or concern.

 

But thank for your comment norajane

[Adunaphel]

I think that having a child with him would be pure madness.

And that you'd regret it.

 

We talk about this more, and the effects it would have on our lives, he isn't so concerned with boys because they are nearly grown at 17 and 18 and feels that they wouldn't care one way or the other. He is very into the idea and says that he hope we have a girl. And just today has called to tell me he's made an appointment with a doctor to make sure his sperm count is still -well good.

 

He sounds very selfish and like someone who has no common sense whatsoever.

 

I am very surprised that your friends and family are not advising you against this. Did they get the full story?

 

I really think it would be best for your child, for you, for this guy's family, for this guy (in that order) if you chose a healthy donor(can you do that in the US?) that has the physical requisites that most suit your preferences.

 

Even getting pregnant from a guy you'll never see again would be better for you than having a child with this man.

 

There isn't anything we do not speak freely about. As his marriage, they have an open relationship- at least this is my belief. One that is based on the fact that he has told me of one three-some he and his wife had. I don't really think much of this just because I figure all people experiment every now and then. And good for them. This three-some happend before he and I met. And he says that nothing remotely like this has happend after we met. I have in a jokingly way asked why he never considered having a threesome with me... and he says he would never knowlingly hare me with anyone else.

 

He is cheating, no doubt about that.

I have known some people who are into threesomes/swinging, and all of them would consider having an affair with, or sleeping with, or even meeting secretely with someone their partner does not know about or does not approve of a worse form of betrayal than they would consider it if they were not into that lifestyle.

So he is very likely breaking his wife's trust, cheating and lying.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm with Nora on this one.

 

Choosing the father of your child isn't as simple as choosing a pedigree for a pet. If you want this baby to know it's father by name rather than by a number, than I'm assuming at some point that you want the child to actually know his/her other parent (???)

 

I can't imagine how that is suppose to happen without the blessings (or knowledge) of the other woman involved here. His wife.

 

Please be careful about taking at face value anything someone tells to you. I imagine if you haven't been introduced to his wife yet, there's a good reason. And if he's unable to explain "you" to her … then how is he going to explain how he managed to father a child with you? I can't even imagine her buying the "artificial insemination" story even if it IS true! Especially if she finds out about the affair.

 

I would do it ONLY if I had her blessings and consent. Otherwise, the poor child will be placed in an unfair situation right from the start and you'll have to worry about awkward explanations once they get old enough to ask questions, anyway.

[lyfelite]

other thing to consider is what happens if you decide to break up with this man – a sperm donor will be much easier to explain away than a married man who isn't married to you, but is the child's daddy ...

 

 

That is mainly my concern. What happends after that. Mind you he has given me no reeason to "break up" with him. I asked him if he would sign his rights away and he said no. And that concerns me only because I do not wish it have any issues relating to custody. And especially not international custody issues.

[Touche]

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read on here. SO much selfishness here...

 

Nice family and friends you have. I guess they're just telling you want you want to hear. I think you know that this whole idea is wrong all the way around.

 

Why don't you adopt a child that has no home and family? That way you just MIGHT be able to gain some integrity....because it's clearly lacking now.

[consternation]

I'm sorry but this kind of angers me. If you don't have time for a partner, there is NO WAY you have time for a child.

 

Raising children takes two pairs of hands. It doesn't always work out that way - but be prepared if you have to go it alone to provide double the work yourself.

 

From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you're living in fantasy land. Why do you even want children? As some kind of trophy? Where is the love in this story? It sounds all so cold and calculated.

 

Mind still boggles at someone saying they don't have time for a partner, but think they have time for a child.

[lyfelite]

i think there are too many unknowns with this mm to take such a big step with him. any of these unknowns can pop up in the future and make both yours and your child/rens life complicated and difficult. i dont know if you are being realistic in any of these plans.

if he has an open relationship then it must also be okay to discuss this with his wife? it wouldnt matter if she knew about you then would it? or is the relationship not quite that open?

 

i can see where you are coming from, but i just think you are being unrealistic. can i just ask? if all the people around you in RL are being so supportive and in agreement of this plan, why are you asking about it in this forum?

 

 

I have no idea why they are being so supportive.... And that is why I asked in the forum. It weird's me out that they are being supportive. As for this sisutation, I mean I don't think I stressed this He and I live in different countries... As for meeting his wife. I had the opportunity to meet her and I didn't. At the time it was a year into the "affair" and I didn't care nor was I about to go meet some one's wife. When as far as I was concerned he and I were just having fun and that was it.

[Touche]

Great post Consternation! I totally agree. She clearly has NO clue how much time and energy is involved in raising a child. And no matter how many people tell you what it's like you still can't fathom how much work it is until you experience it for yourself.

[newbby]

i think the original poster just doesnt have any idea of reality.

[consternation]

I have just thought about it, and am now wondering if this post was a troll....

 

Please tell me that no one in a position of responsibility in the government could be this naive.

[newbby]

maybe she is well educated in some areas of life but not others. it happens all the time.

[lyfelite]

I am well awe of how much engergy and time it takes to raise a child. I frequently take my sisters kids for this perpose -- and I'm not talking about for the day or weekend. I recently just had all three of her kids for a month by myself and their ages are from 1 years old to 7. I have not made this choice lightly nor am I with out resources in order to care for my child. So I think its totally rediculous that some of you think you can say one way or another that I would be a bad parent because of it. I was raised by a single mother and I know everything it takes in order to raise a decent productive memeber of society. As for everything, I have not made bad jusgements in my life. I am well educated both academically and worldly. My relationship with this man is what it is...

 

And family and friends both understand why I'm considering insemination as well as the MM offer. I'm not selfish at all. And if I were they probably would have said no I shouldn't. But instead people who geniuenly know me know how incredible generous and loving I am. Which is why they have not been against this.

 

But I thank you all because its given me the opportunity to talk this out. Both pro and cons.

[norajane]

Sorry - one more thing to point out. If you think you and this guy are 'keeping things real' with each other, just reread your own words:

 

There isn't anything we do not speak freely about. As his marriage, they have an open relationship- at least this is my belief.

 

There IS one thing - at least four things - you do not speak freely about. HIS MARRIAGE, HIS WIFE, HIS CHILDREN, HIS LIFE.

[lyfelite]

Sorry - one more thing to point out. If you think you and this guy are 'keeping things real' with each other, just reread your own words:

 

 

 

There IS one thing - at least four things - you do not speak freely about. HIS MARRIAGE, HIS WIFE, HIS CHILDREN, HIS LIFE.

 

 

We speak about his life, children, and his marriage - i.e. with the wife very freely. I'm not sure what your getting at here. I mean we talk about his kids whats going on with career, etc. I mean does he say well sheila was wearing her hair this way or she bought this and it pissed me off. Ah no and I wouldn't care if he did. But I know when the boys have gotten into toruble at school or if they have this or that going on. Between guitar lessons, rugby practice. i even know what school they go to and where it is. So I think we communicate opening. I know what his wife does for a living etc. I'm not sure what you meant by saying we don't communicate.

[consternation]

Yes, they speak freely, other than whether or not he is having sex with multiple people with/without wife's knowledge - AND whether or not wife is having sex with multiple people with/without his knowledge.

 

This sounds an ideal situation to begin introducing invasive medical procedures & the health of a baby into - I don't think.

 

I guess that sounds rather b*tchy.

 

I know it's probably pretty pointless... I don't know how old you are lyfelite. I still have my suspicions as to whether your scenario is even real. I think the important thing you need to realise is that you can't just add a child onto your current lifestyle. If you want a child, you will have to change your entire way of living from ground up. It's a question of priorities. You can't control everything in life - having a child means letting go of that need for control. Your child will get sick, when you have a meeting. Your child will cry for its mother and make your heart feel like its breaking - EVERY TIME you leave (for weeks or months, or years!). Your child will throw a temper tantrum when you are running late for a flight. Your child will throw up on your business suit. Your child will change your body. Your child will need a father - and you will feel guilty for denying it one.

 

You will love to watch your child sleeping. You will love to feed your own child with nourishment of your body. You will love to read to your child and encourage its learning. You will love to see your child's first step, first words, first tooth.

 

Except of course, that you will be travelling/at a meeting/stressed out/tired/cranky/etc etc and miss the whole thing.

 

As to why you would consider having a child with the MM - I can only assume that it's a unconscious desire to have him more fully in your life - the oldest trick in the book for trapping a man eh - and that he is probably getting off on the power trip of sowing his seed widely. You are telling yourself you are making logical choices but I think you need to look deep to find out your true motivations for even considering these actions.

[lyfelite]

Yes, they speak freely, other than whether or not he is having sex with multiple people with/without wife's knowledge - AND whether or not wife is having sex with multiple people with/without his knowledge.

 

This sounds an ideal situation to begin introducing invasive medical procedures & the health of a baby into - I don't think.

 

I guess that sounds rather b*tchy.

 

I know it's probably pretty pointless... I don't know how old you are lyfelite. I still have my suspicions as to whether your scenario is even real. I think the important thing you need to realise is that you can't just add a child onto your current lifestyle. If you want a child, you will have to change your entire way of living from ground up. It's a question of priorities. You can't control everything in life - having a child means letting go of that need for control. Your child will get sick, when you have a meeting. Your child will cry for its mother and make your heart feel like its breaking - EVERY TIME you leave (for weeks or months, or years!). Your child will throw a temper tantrum when you are running late for a flight. Your child will throw up on your business suit. Your child will change your body. Your child will need a father - and you will feel guilty for denying it one.

 

You will love to watch your child sleeping. You will love to feed your own child with nourishment of your body. You will love to read to your child and encourage its learning. You will love to see your child's first step, first words, first tooth.

 

Except of course, that you will be travelling/at a meeting/stressed out/tired/cranky/etc etc and miss the whole thing.

 

As to why you would consider having a child with the MM - I can only assume that it's a unconscious desire to have him more fully in your life - the oldest trick in the book for trapping a man eh - and that he is probably getting off on the power trip of sowing his seed widely. You are telling yourself you are making logical choices but I think you need to look deep to find out your true motivations for even considering these actions.

 

First - I did not ask him- he offered. Second I do not secretely want him to be more a part of my life... because as you keep telling me which I appreciate -- I will have to re-range all my priorities. I never considered having a child with the MM until he suggested it. I quite frankly invision my life with my child without him. as that he's just someone i enjoy being with every now and then. That is why this is a delima. I enjoy his company- when we are around one another.

 

I understand where you are coming from and yes I might end up re-arrange my whole likfe for my child. But is something i am unwilling to do for a man. And that is something I have struggled with emotionally as well. But it all comes down to the fact my child will depend on me. And I will have to give it all that it needs without any hesistation. I can not be that for a completely grown man who has many emotional hang ups-- and when I state that i'm not talking about the MM. I'm just speaking in general.

[1Yoyo]

Send me a private message, I will tell you all about having a child with the MM and from that, you can make your own decision. Sperm donation from someone you DONT know would be better.

 

Yo

[lyfelite]

Send me a private message, I will tell you all about having a child with the MM and from that, you can make your own decision. Sperm donation from someone you DONT know would be better.

 

Yo

 

 

Sorry Yo -- its says my account is too new and hasn't been reviewed in order to send a personal message.

[consternation]

Well.... I understand what you are saying.... I am a single mother (partner died) and it is possible to see an upside for every downside. Yes I am burdened with 100% responsibility for all decisions - but then again I get to make them all... yes, I have to do *everything* but then again, at least no one can let me down.... ultimately the buck stops with me. I get all the hard work and the guilt AND all the satisfaction.

 

I don't think you should have a child with the MM. Honestly. You would be tied to him for the rest of your life. There would be legal issues. Your child might feel like a bastard, in the old sense (I think having a father with a ''real'' family and children he openly acknowledges would be rather hurtful). Your child would be resented by the MM's family and children - its brothers - should the truth come out.

 

If you truly want to do this on your own - I say go the whole way and ensure your independence. It seems to me that you would have the restrictions without the benefits... what happens if you start dating? Would MM whine that the man shouldnt be around ''his'' child? etc etc. I don't think you can predict the outcomes of that kind of volatile situation.