Guest Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I very rarely post my problems here, although I am longtime lurker and occasional advice giver. I would really appreciate any feedback, any at all. I am devastated right now. My significant other of 7 years (not technically married) has always acted a little funny around my family. At first I put it down to just him being shy and getting used to them. He is kind of a shy guy, normally, and it takes him time to warm up to people. Over the years i have noticed he does get kind of stressed at social events and often doesn't like people. He is quick to pass judgement if someone 'offends' him by saying the wrong thing. I always say, give them another chance, but he usually is quick to decide he doens't like someone. Anyway, I could see him not liking my family if they were judgemental, critical or demanding but they're not at all like that. They are very laid back, low maintenance and they genuinly like him and want to get to know him. The last few times they have come to visit my sig. other and I had terrible rows afterwards. He'd complain that my family left doors open or windows open or that their dog crapped the carpet. Well, yes those things are annoying but not life threatening! I'd always apologize and say I'd talk to them next time they visited. But I'd also get mad at his intolerance of little things. SO your life gets a little disrupted when guests come over. You live with it for a couple of days for the sake of being a good host! They NEVER stay longer than a couple of days, by the way. Well this last time they came over (and they only visit maybe twice a year) was for my birthday. It was a pretty major event as this is the big 4-0. I wanted lots of people around, a nice dinner out and food and laughter. That's how I envisioned my birthday. Here's what happened instead. My family shows up and my sig other immediately goes into sulk mode. He barely talked to any of them. His excuse is that they don't give him a chance to talk...but please! You have to open your mouth and say something! He drooped along when we visited the museum. He didn't speak to anyone at mealtimes (or just barely). He acted strange and distant with me. I felt embarressed; this was the worst he'd ever acted. I felt that my family was wondering, what is with this guy? Why is she with someone who barely talks or acknowledges our presence? Finally after they left he just point blank told me "I hate spending time with your family. I hate when they come here. I really just can't stand it" I was crushed. Devastated. We were all supposed to take this trip of a lifetime in December to Hawaii for a family reunion. He now doesn't want to go after my mom gave us ta gift of two tickets. I told him I'm going, no matter what. I spent the whole night crying. I said I can't live in a house where my family isn't welcome. He has no reason for disliking them. He couldn't even pinpoint anything. He came up with some lame excuses like leaving a window open or the dog doing something but finally he admitted....he has no excuse. He just hates being around them So what do I do? My eyes are swollen from crying and I feel totally empty inside. Nobody has EVER hated my whole family before! I talked to my best friend about this and she was floored. She adores my family. I feel like I don't know how to get past this....
quankanne Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 don't include him in family get togethers or things you want to do, but he doesn't, period. That means he cannot bitch about you doing those things with those people, unless he wants to come along and play nice while he's with y'all, and you don't feel guilty if he shows up or not. however, your situation sounds much more serious than that, and maybe you need to rethink your relationship if it's that important that the man you're with be a part of your family, too.
norajane Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 You have to get to the root of his problem before you can really come up with a long term solution. Otherwise, sure, send him to a hotel while your family is visiting your house, or vice versa, and go to Hawaii without him. Is he jealous of them for some reason? For taking your time and attenton away from him? Doesn't like to see how excited and vivacious you are with your family, and how much fun you have...because you're not like that with him? Does he have a bad relationship with his family so hates to see you have a good one, or feels sorry for himself when he sees how important your family is to you? Is he controlling in other ways and at other times about your friends or things you do? Is your family well educated and he isn't? Or vice versa? Is he embarrassed about something about them, himself, or your relationship? Dig a little deeper than open windows and dogs...
Guest Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Does he like anybody? You know what, Outcast, that is a good question to ask. For the past two days I have tried talking to him about this. He keeps making lame excuses about how bothersome it was having them here. But here's some other facts; He really doesn't like spending time with his family. He hates family get togethers. In fact, at holidays he always stresses that he doesn't want to spend 'more than two hours' at his family's house. They are perfectly nice people. Yes, every family has their issues and problems, but I have no problem with them. His mom and I have become good friends and go to lunch together a lot. When I suggested we join a social club, we went to a few events together and he complained that he found everyone 'snooty'. I said, well a few of them are, but not everyone. Let's give it a chance. He refused to go to any more events after a while. He reportedly likes my best friend, but hasn't come with me to go visit her in another state for close to two years now. The last several times I asked him to go do something with me with a couple from work I'm friends with, he'd either say he was 'too busy' or find some reason to not go. I've often asked him to call his cousin and his wife about getting together to do things but we rarely do. Unless I initiate it, make the calls and set up something. He has one close friend he likes to talk to on the phone and spend time with. Funny, but I find this guy very anti-social too. I've talked to my SO about the antisocial behaviors I think he exhibits. Believe me, I tried to word it in a nice way and not say 'you're antisocial' He got extremely defensive and angry. He made a lot of excuses about why he's too busy to socialize and have people over a lot. When I suggested he might be depressed or have social anxiety, he got furious. He spit out 'oh so now you want me medicated' or something This has been a major issue in our relationship for quite some time Sorry for rambling so long, but I feel lonely and sad much of the time, feel like I can't share my life with people I care about and he doesn't understand I told him I cried for an hour last night and he didn't even react I don't know if he just doesn't care or thinks I'm unreasonable I live out in the country and the prospect of not having my family over from time to time and not having friends in my life fills me with depression and dread He said the opposite -- he said the prospect of having my family stay over several times a year over the next twenty years fills HIM with dread and depression At this point I feel like moving out I am very scared, sad and despondant Thanks all for listening it is much appreciated
newbby Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 it sounds as though he has some deeper issues. in any case, you have incompatible needs. you have to decide whether the relationship is really worth the compromises you will have to make. its fine just doing your own thing and him doing his, but if having a partner who is involved in those parts of your life is important to you, then he obviously isnt the right guy.
lover's rock Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Talk to his parents and see if this kind of behavior has lasted all his life. Maybe you can figure out the root of the problem and come at it from another angle.
flowergirl Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Man, I can relate to some of the things in this thread. My boyfriend doesn't like being around my family that much, and initially thought about breaking up with him concerning this because I've always had the belief that an SO should have regular contact, at least twice a month with another's family. However, we have both worked on compromising on this matter, and it's getting better. My SO is kinda quiet around my family too, and he thinks they talk to much sometimes too, and he makes them uncomfortable. BTW, my boyfriend loves his mother to death and always spaeks highly of her, but he doesn't visit her that often, which is different. t seems that perhaps this is an issue of control rather than anti-socialism, since he refuses to even talk about the problem. Good luck.
TheSilentType Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 You've been with your SO for seven years, so even from the start of the relationship I bet you knew he had to have some anti-social tendencies. I mean, I'm assuming he's also 40 or older, and at that age your personality is fairly set. So it's not like his anti-social tendencies just crept up all of a sudden and should have taken you by surprise. If family is important to you, you need to re-evaluate whether this relationship is worthwhile for you. If you both choose to continue as it is, its going to get very bitter at times. You can't force him to change...if you knew you didn't want something like this to occur earlier, you should have bailed and not stayed so long. But if you stay with him and he does not want to be around your family, you are going to have a lot of resentment. I swear, people really need to scrutinize their partner's faults very carefully at the start of a relationship before deciding whether they really want to go forward.
Guest Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 You've been with your SO for seven years, so even from the start of the relationship I bet you knew he had to have some anti-social tendencies. I mean, I'm assuming he's also 40 or older, and at that age your personality is fairly set. So it's not like his anti-social tendencies just crept up all of a sudden and should have taken you by surprise. If family is important to you, you need to re-evaluate whether this relationship is worthwhile for you. If you both choose to continue as it is, its going to get very bitter at times. You can't force him to change...if you knew you didn't want something like this to occur earlier, you should have bailed and not stayed so long. But if you stay with him and he does not want to be around your family, you are going to have a lot of resentment. I swear, people really need to scrutinize their partner's faults very carefully at the start of a relationship before deciding whether they really want to go forward. OK, I understand what you're saying....but it's a little unfair to criticize me for 'not seeing it from the start' or not looking at his faults closely enough when we began dating. I think people begin to let certain behaviors out over time, when they feel safe enough in a relationship. For the first two years we were together, he made great efforts to join me at social outings and get to know my friends and family. Then over time, he began to withdraw more and more. No, it's not like he 'suddenly' became anti-social....but over time I've noticed more and more of the anti-social tendencies coming to the forefront. It's almost like he figures, 'well I have her, why try any more?' It's now gotten to be such a problem that I am becoming distraught over our terrible fights. It's like dealing with a moody person; you might have always known they have a moody personality and some depressive features. That doesn't mean you are prepared to deal with a full-blown clinical depression should they develop one.
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