punkinp Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I have been married to a good man for over 11 years. I have recently had an affair that included mostly graphic phone calls and only a couple of physical trysts. All that is over now and I think of OM on occasion. I feel guilty for hurting my husband but I enjoyed the sex. Although I love my husband, I am beginning to think that I am not in love with him. Am I crazy? Will I ever be in love with him, or am I fooling myself. I am thinking that I would like to have my freedom, but I am not sure. I know this sounds terrible and believe me, I feel terrible about it. I just dont know what to do.
2sunny Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Do you have children? It tends to change everything as far as the commitment level...
Author punkinp Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 our children are grown and only 1 is still at home.
Lor Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Before you leave, try and figure out what was/is lacking in your M. Is it only the sex? Yeah, sex with someone else is always gonna be exciting but unless your plannng on jumping from bed to bed, that's not going to be enough in life. If you have any feelings for your H, give him a chance to help you both rebuild your M instead of jumping ship. What if a few years down the line you realize what a mistake you made. Don't shut a door that you won't be able to reopen. You're an empty nester now, or close to it, so fill the void, either with him or without and by that mean--get some interests in your life, and not other men. some people would say to fess up and tell your H about the affair, I say why? Why bring on that hurt unless that's your intent. You are already feeling guilty and its eating at you, why share it? Because it's morally right? No, don't think so. Its devastating to your partner and will rip him apart emotionally for the rest of his life. The affair you had was by your own actions, he didn't push you into it, and it will affect your kids, too, grown or not. so please think of all that before you make an decisions on that aspect.
Author punkinp Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I did what I did for the excitement. Sex with my H has always been fantastic but what I did was even over and above that. It was probably just the excitment factor or maybe I have been feeling its time to do what I want. I was putting myself and my own interests first. I dont know why. I dont know why I am not in love with H anymore either. I just dont have any answers.
Lor Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I'm really glad you're here. I want you to check out this site: malemidlifecrisis(dot)com. It may give you some insight as to the feelings you have and help you to realize you're not alone. Maybe you don't love your H anymore but, then again...it might be something you are going thru in this stage of your life. We all crave the new and exciting. I'm not running you down for what you did--you're human. But you need to look for other avenues. You can be married and still have your freedom, the chance to explore new areas in life that you always wanted to do but never did for one reason or another. Have you tried counselling? For some people it really helps. You and your H may need to relight the spark; you've grown too comfortable with each other. Before you throw it away, he deserves a chance. And then at least you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did try, even if it doesn't work out. will you be able to do that if you walk away?
Author punkinp Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I never really believed in counseling. I have just felt boxed in lately. The thought of freedom is very entertaining. I was wondering if what I am feeling is normal. Has this behavior been explained clinically, is it a change of life or am I just having a breakdown?
Lor Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 You are very normal. And its probably all of the above. I don't believe in counseling either but you can do self-help counseling on sites like this and the one I listed. You'd be amazed how just talking about it to people you will never meet will help clear your mind. I've done a complete 360 since coming on here and I was a total basket case--as most will testify. But, beware, some on here can be brutally honest. You can take some of the advice, throw some of it away, its your choice. As my doctor told me once, being in a mixed up frame of mind is no time to make any life-altering decisions. And that is so true. What do you enjoy doing? What have you always wanted to do and never have? You may need to sit down with your H and lay your feelings about being boxed in on the table, but, as he's a man, he may not understand. You don't and shouldn't live your life only revolved around your family. If there is an activity that you've always wanted to try, go do it!! What's stopping you? Want to learn to line dance. Ye Haw! Skydive? Why not? You sound restless and wanting to spice up your life--another man is a temporary fix and as you've already found out, not the best for your own personal feelings. You can add so much to your life without breaking it down. Post as much as you want, feel free. And it doesn't matter what you say, get it all out in the open and off your chest. You're among anonymous friends who do truely care.
Author punkinp Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 What if, I dont care enough to want it to work out? I am not looking for someone to tell me its fine to leave him. Will those feelings come back? Should I see a doctor? Can menopause do this to a woman? I just feel empty inside.
Nickels Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Wow.... I like you Lor..... Great advice...... i wish my wife could read this !
Lor Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Thanks, Nickels. Hey, Punkinp, only you can answer that. But you've said yourself you don't know what you want. It won't hurt to wait till tomorrow, or the next day, right? Take your time, check out some self-help sites, talk to your doctor. There is no time limit, even if it may feel like it. If you are going thru MLC, I want you to remember this: everything you do will have an impact. If you tell him you want out one day and then the next week change your mind, it will impact you, him and your kids. So, take it slow. Its frustrating, I know, not sure of what you want. You want answers and you want action because you feel like there is no where you can go, that you are stuck. You're not stuck. Hang in there and keep posting before you do anything you may regret.
Gunny376 Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 You didn't say how old you were just that you had been married ~ so I'm assuming mid - thirties. First off ~ a woman's nerve endings in her private area are not 100% developed until about age 35. That could be part of it. Problems with the tyroid gland ~ could increase or decrease you limbido. It could be Mid-life Crisis, you don't have to be in your forties to go through it! It could be menopause ~ and again some women as early as 30 go thorugh menopause. I think the first thing you should do would be to get a complete phyiscal. Continue to read, learn, and study ~ you did not learn everything you needed to know in Kindergarden.
Author punkinp Posted August 22, 2006 Author Posted August 22, 2006 I am 40 years old. I have no idea why these feelings have come up. It is not my husbands fault, it is me. Am I at a crossroads? This all happened over a 4 month period. Is there something wrong with me, or should I just leave H?
Lor Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Follow Gunny's advice and get a complete physical, talk with your doctor. You are very normal and I am glad that you have recognized there might be something deeper here than just "falling out of love". He/she may give you meds to help level out your emotions, and the good meds shouldn't have any effect on you other than for that. I always thought they would make me into a zombie and not care about anything but that is not the case--its probably the best thing I could have done. I had a friend who went thru menopaus at 30. My stbxH is going thru a MLC at 30. what I'm trying to say is it is possible this is what you are going thru. I went thru my MLC--or a version of it--at about 32. I didn't want to be home, didn't know if I loved my H anymore, was restless and moody. It was not fun. I did stupid things around that time that I regret now but I don't regret staying and trying to make things better. That's why I'm giving you the advice I am--
Author punkinp Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 I am having romantic feelings about OM. Like I want more than just the A. He has broken things off, but I think about him. I never told him I wanted more. It is making me think that I am NOT in love with my H. How could I be if I am having these thoughts? I love my H, but I believe we need time apart. I wonder if I will miss him, or if I just want to go out and have fun. How do I get over OM? He recently figured out he is in a serious relationship. He told me this the day after our last meeting. He has recently called to have phone sex, but I didn't, even though I wanted to. What is going on with my life?
Author punkinp Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 I guess I am wondering if there isnt MORE out there. I love my H, but maybe, just maybe I want more than that. Maybe Im looking for a level of comfort and excitement that is missing after so long together. I had that with the OM, and I guess I really liked it.
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