IS/WAS she cheating?

[Guest]

So, every once in a while I pop onto this site to read the stories of others, hoping that they will help me in some way with my own problems. I never had the courage to share, but I do welcome other opinions, as I feel I am at the point of seeking help. Here goes nothing.

 

I have been married for 7 years, 2 beautiful Children which I could never live without. My wife is the most beautiful and caring person that I know.

 

The sex life came to a hault after the 2nd child (18 mos). after reading all of the stories on here, I realize that it may not be about me, rather about her and stress and such. I accept that and will do things to combat that for her. This is not the issue though.

 

I became suspicious of her back in November '05. Unfortunatey I pulled a big No No and read her work email. What I found broke my heart. Numerous daily emails between her and a man that she works with (different department). They werent just "hey how are you" types of emails either. Very flirtateous, but they never lead me to believe that there was a physical type of affair going on. I confronted her about the emails and she basically told me that they were harmless, she was just joking around. I asked that she stop communicating with him, she agreed. I agreed to no longer read her email.

 

I did however view some misterious cookies from a sex toy website on our home computer from when I was away in Mexico....more on that later.

 

fast forward to the last month.

This same guy has offered to help us with some stuff around the house (landscaping). Obviously she is still talking to him, I just hope it is normal conversations!!! Since we are doing some remodeling, we take him up on his offer and even pay him for his services. I am leaning towards believing my wife that the previous emails were innocent really! Spent a lot of time with him working on stuff together. Met his wife and 2 children, had normal conversations.

 

We decide to have a party, lots of fun and drinking. We decide to invite him and his wife. Needless to say, my wife gets too drunk. When people start to leave the party, she picks up the phone, makes a quick phone call. I heard her say, I just wanted to make sure you got home ok. She tells me she was calling her girlfrend. OK. 2 minutes later the phone rings back. It is the wife of the OM asking who it was, whos phone number it is that called her. I told her who I was, she was satisfied and hung up. I questioned my wife as to why if she was calling her girlfriend this guy's wife called back asking who called? She yelled at me, saying that she called her girlfriend.

 

1 hour later, the house phone rings again. At this point my wife is throwing up sick in the bathroom. When I anser the phone, it is again the wife of the OM. This time she is balling her eyes out asking me what was going on, telling me that her husband is destroying her marriage and that she needed to investigate this particular phone number.

 

I tell her that I didnt know what was going on, but would gladly find out. I began to question my wife while in her drunken stooper. She denies knowing his phone number. End of the night.

 

My wife then receives a rather nasty email from his wife telling her to stay away from him and that she has read the emails between them and all of that jazz that in my mind I had gotten over. Things stirs up new feelings of distrust. I continue to question her about the incident and all that goes with it. She admits to me that he is a friend of hers that is going through a tough marriage and he would confide in her. It then comes out that they would have these secret phone conversations late at night while I was at a second job. This is how she explains knowing his phone number. She said that he is having a really difficult time with his marriage and she as trying to help him through it (no, she is not a therapist). She swears to me that there was NEVER anything physical, he had never been here when I was not, there were never anytimes that they got together. All communications were via phone or email. Do I trust her???? Not sure???

 

I questioned her about the sex to site and she then claims that she was on it looking for information and thinking of purchasing one to spice up our sex life....UH, how about having sex, that would srely spice it up! (sorry, I was in need of sarcasm).

 

Now she claims all is done between them, no more communications....Until I did it again....I read her work email.

Now, she thinks she is really tricky. She keeps nothing from him or sent to him, but I happened to see it before she did...Basically he said that he hoped dhe would have a change of heart, he screwed up for over 10 years the last time and doesnt want to do it again.

I never saw her response.

 

He emailed me to say, hope all is well, take care of those trees. I told him that I have had enough games. I knew about the phone calls and he needs to stop emailing, calling and talking to my wife. I told him to try to save his own marriage, because that is what I am doing.

 

I apologize for being so long...I wanted to get it all out there. There are far more details, and after people read this and ask questions, I am sure they will come out.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think it looks very bad. She continues to lie to you about him. She continues to lie to you about knowing the phone number. She immediately erases his emails so you cannot read them. His wife contacts you and warns you that your wife is destroying her marriage and warns your wife to stay away from him and she continues to see him behind your back.. I think you would have to be in major denial to not believe that they have been having an affair behind your back. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would believe this crap from you. Oh she goes to sex toy site but she has no sex with you? Gee I wonder what she is looking at and what purchases?

 

 

Your wife is really disrespecting you and your marriage. Your wife seems to have very little boundaries. The OM has been playing you for a fool. As far as your wife goes, no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. It all looks like an affair. She is hiding things and lying to you. These are the things you do when you are in an affair. Open your eyes. I wish you luck.

[norajane]

I agree with the previous posters. Definitely, she is having an Emotional Affair, and probably a Physical Affair as well. If you check into her credit card receipts and cell phone/home phone records, you may find more information regarding her purchases (won't say Sex-Toys-R-Us, but there will be something unidentifiable there) and her phone habits.

 

But, you have plenty of information to act on as it is. What you do at this point depends on whether you want to save your marriage or end it. Ending it, well, start by talking to a lawyer and find out your legal rights. Don't move out of the house, though. If anyone is to leave, it should be her.

 

Saving the marriage, insist that she stop all contact with this man and then follow it up with marriage counseling. If she won't do either, then you've got nothing to save.

[mental_traveller]

Yes she is or was cheating. She's also lied to you repeatedly. It woudln't surprise me if she started the affair around about the time she stopped having sex with you.

 

You have a sexless marriage, and most probably an adulterous one in which your wife is cheating. My advice is very simple - find the best divorce lawyer you can afford, and take everything you can. Then find a decent woman you can trust. Also, you might want to reconsider your sense of judgement - this woman has played you for a fool, next time don't be so gullible and trusting.

[whichwayisup]

I first have to say it's not your fault. She has chosen to do this, no matter what goes on at home between you two - HER choice to let another man into her heart.

 

Because there are children involved the marriage deserves a chance.

 

Your wife is not thinking clearly at all, otherwise she wouldn't be in this mess. The MM (married man) she is interested in is showing her alot of attention, making her feel good. It's almost an addiction - Feelings of lust, or an intense crush, like at the beginning of all relationships. What she hasn't realized is, ALL of it is based on fantasy - They both are acting selfish and fulfilling needs that aren't being met. Again, not your fault because if her needs weren't being at home she should be letting you know.... And, seeing as the MM is talking to her about his problems, she's enjoying feeling needed.

 

You busting her has ruined her little fantasy world with this guy. She's in denial about it and aware you're checking on her (deleting the emails) so she's covering her tracks.

 

Whatever it is that is going on between them must stop now. Go talk to the MM's wife and the two of you compare notes. The affair being out in the open WILL stop once they both know all the consquences involved of their actions.

 

Here's a thread to read, it's long but trust me, it's worth taking a good look at. I think DazednConfused situation is like yours in a way, so this thread should help you alot. (Maybe print it out or something too)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Hope this helps and keep posting. So many here will be able to help you through this.

[Guest]

I agree with the previous posters. Definitely, she is having an Emotional Affair, and probably a Physical Affair as well. If you check into her credit card receipts and cell phone/home phone records, you may find more information regarding her purchases (won't say Sex-Toys-R-Us, but there will be something unidentifiable there) and her phone habits.

I see all of the credit card receipts, and there has been nothing. As for the phone habits, I check the cell phone records every month and there has been nothing. I have also recently requested that my onthly home phone bill print out a detailed report of outgoing calls. I am also planning to block his cell phone number from calling the house and I may install an additional caller ID box that she is unaware of to view incomming history.

 

 

Saving the marriage, insist that she stop all contact with this man and then follow it up with marriage counseling. If she won't do either, then you've got nothing to save.

She claims to have stopped all contact with him, although I do not believe her. I asked for counseling and she said she would think about it but feared that it would focus on the past and make her out to be a fool. I advised her that the goal of counseling is to make the future better...

[Guest]

Yes she is or was cheating. She's also lied to you repeatedly. It woudln't surprise me if she started the affair around about the time she stopped having sex with you.

The Marriage isnt completely sexless, we have some physical contact, usually 1 time per month, and it is RARELY intercourse.

[NittanyLionFan]

First, why not register with a username so that we can remember who we've talked 2.

I have registered....Thank You

 

She needs 2 be willing 2 cut off all contact with the OM for life if she wants 2 remain married 2 you.

She says that she has, but I do not believe her.

[InaPanic]

I am in the process of trying to get over a long distance affair. And it does sound like your wife may have been more involved with this guy than she's admitting. I hope for her sake & yours that it didn't cross into a PA because that, to me, was when my whole world became shook up. There is a big difference once that line is crossed for both of you to overcome. It sounds like you want to work things out with her but she has to also be willing or it won't work. It may take her some time to get this OM out of her system which is what I am dealing with now. And if you stick with her that will be hard for you to watch her missing someone else. But it will be particularly hard with them working together. Do you think you could trust her again at work, ever?

[Ripples]

She says that she has, but I do not believe her.

The question is, do both of you want this marriage to work? If she does, then she's trustworthy. If she doesn't, then she's not.

 

If she does want your marriage to work, I think maybe you need to make up your mind to believe her about the other guy. If you refuse to, she's never going to be able to prove herself trustworthy, not in a way that would be acceptable to her, anyhow.

 

So find out what she wants, the marriage, or not. All you can do then is play the cards you're given, not try to second guess what's next in the stack.

[Adunaphel]

She says that she has, but I do not believe her.

 

Is it a feeling or you found anything suspicious?

 

Do you know the W of the OM, and if so did you talk to her about what was going on? (I'm not sure it would be a good idea, I know that I'd probably do it and I was wondering if you did)

 

I hope you can save your marriage if this is what you wish, but as other posters pointed out your wife should be willing to work on your marriage too.

[NittanyLionFan]

It sounds like you want to work things out with her but she has to also be willing or it won't work. ...it will be particularly hard with them working together. Do you think you could trust her again at work, ever?

I desperately want to work it out. For the sake of our marriage, I have to find a way to trust her again at work. That is not going to be easy.

[NittanyLionFan]

Is it a feeling or you found anything suspicious?

Well, I did view an email that came in from him. Didnt see her response. For all I know, she could have deleted it. I asked her if she had heard from him at all and she denies receiving it. Made me very suspicious.

 

Do you know the W of the OM, and if so did you talk to her about what was going on? (I'm not sure it would be a good idea, I know that I'd probably do it and I was wondering if you did)

I sent her an email asking what she knew, she never responded.