Adacus Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I know there's really no right or wrong answer here - but sometimes different perspectives are helpful. Tomorrow I will attend the last session of our mediation - where we will be legally separated. My wife and I have been physically apart for over 8 months now, and things have been rocky about 4-5 months previously. I met my wife yesterday, in a park, to discuss feelings we hadn't shared prior to our separating. For me, its only over these last few months have I come to grips with some issues about why our marriage collapsed. The long and short of it is that I love my wife immensely and in some ways I can't imagine life without her. However, our physical chemistry has always lacked. Sex was ok when we did have it, but I remember even when we were courting each other that our physical connection felt a bit "forced." For me, we had a very tight bond on an emotional level and hoped that the physical would just follow along. Unfortunately, over the years, I started becoming phyiscally distant. While I was still very affectionate, it wasn't a very sexual relationship, and eventually became neglectful to that side of our life together. Its not something I'm proud of obviously - but its how it evolved. Amazingly, my wife never sought outside our marriage for what she wasn't getting from me. Anyway, I'm trying to come to grips as to whether this matter was something that I could have ever hoped to overcome or if its something inherently broken with me. A couple of counselors have suggested different ways to address, but it always felt "false." I havent had many lovers prior to my wife, so I don't know what its like to be with someone you feel a strong physical connection. Maybe even after a number of these, it doesnt even compare to someone you have a strong emotional bond with. However, my biggest fear is that I'm letting go of someone I love dearly only to find that this problem will exist with me wherever I wind up - and possibly with someone I don't love nearly as much. To which, I might try to work with her and try to find the passion that never existed for me/us. On the other hand, I do love her and want her to have the best life she can. So I should just let her go. Its just so hard to think of us finally saying goodbye to one another after how much we care and love one another. I've always heard the phrase "Sometimes love isn't enough" and never understood what it meant. Now, I feel I know all too well.
quankanne Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 To which, I might try to work with her and try to find the passion that never existed for me/us. On the other hand, I do love her and want her to have the best life she can. where does she weigh in on the physicality issue of y'alls marriage? Does it bother her that you two aren't as physical as you think you should be, or is she relatively content to be in a relationship where sex isn't first and foremost? Does she (or you) have psychological or physical issues that contribute to your lack of sex life? (chronic pain or illness can take a great toll on your sex life.) Is your impending divorce due solely to an inactive sex life (cause) or is it just one of the things affected by other problems in the marriage? a couples sex life ebbs and flows with the situations affecting the marriage, but if the psychological/emotional bond is strong, the physical part can work itself out to a level where both partners are comfortable. That you've got to be getting it on with your partner every time you look at each other is a misleading, because real life intrudes rather quickly on the honeymoon period. have the two of you ever sat down together and actually discussed (not point fingers or argue, but calmly talk about) how you feel about the lack of sexual connection in your marriage? Or are you guessing that because you're uncomfortable with how things are, she is also, to the same degree? Because when you write "Amazingly, my wife never sought outside our marriage for what she wasn't getting from me," it tells me that your wife might not be as harsh on you about the situation as you are, that she's sees your marriage more than about "getting some." just my two cents, quank
Author Adacus Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 Hi quank, thanks for your response. where does she weigh in on the physicality issue of y'alls marriage? Does it bother her that you two aren't as physical as you think you should be, or is she relatively content to be in a relationship where sex isn't first and foremost? Does she (or you) have psychological or physical issues that contribute to your lack of sex life? (chronic pain or illness can take a great toll on your sex life.) Is your impending divorce due solely to an inactive sex life (cause) or is it just one of the things affected by other problems in the marriage? Yes, it has bothered her very much. As she shared with me this weekend, she had given up on us as sexual partners over the last year and wasn't sure what to do about it. The lack of sexual activity was mostly me. I couldn't find the desire in me. It wasn't a physical thing - all emotional/psychological. The divorce has a number of layers to it, and this is definitely one of the larger ones. a couples sex life ebbs and flows with the situations affecting the marriage, but if the psychological/emotional bond is strong, the physical part can work itself out to a level where both partners are comfortable. That you've got to be getting it on with your partner every time you look at each other is a misleading, because real life intrudes rather quickly on the honeymoon period. You're right. But this problem has been with us for quite some time. It existed with us before we became married and continued thereafter. It was to the point where sex became a once every 3 or 4 months thing. Even to the point where we didnt have sex during our honeymoon. I know most of the readers here are probably saying "WTF?" and "How could you marry?" at this moment, but we cared quite a bit for one another and at the time considered it an issue we were trying to deal with. have the two of you ever sat down together and actually discussed (not point fingers or argue, but calmly talk about) how you feel about the lack of sexual connection in your marriage? Or are you guessing that because you're uncomfortable with how things are, she is also, to the same degree? Because when you write "Amazingly, my wife never sought outside our marriage for what she wasn't getting from me," it tells me that your wife might not be as harsh on you about the situation as you are, that she's sees your marriage more than about "getting some." We have - both together and in counseling. However, it was very hard to convey. I tried to pinpoint why I wasn't finding her physically attractive. I mean she is attractive, but I couldn't find it in me get sexually excited by her. Unfortunately it was very hard to share any of this, without hurting her feelings. However, it got to a point for me where I started questioning if it was us or me. And not having a better reference point, I started feeling that I was only going to continue the course - to the point where one of us will go outside the marriage for their needs.
amaysngrace Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I'm sorry you aren't able to correct this, Adacus. I'm kind of wondering why this is a problem for you. You mentioned psychological aspects. Is there a way to address the issue that is causing you to struggle with this?
Author Adacus Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I'm sorry you aren't able to correct this, Adacus. I'm kind of wondering why this is a problem for you. You mentioned psychological aspects. Is there a way to address the issue that is causing you to struggle with this? Hi amaysn- I wish I knew. The problem might be psychological - I don't know for sure. Since my wife and I started seeing each other, my sexual desire for her took a back seat to how we connected emotionally. Over the years, this started to become more and more a problem as I became less and less interested in sex. I dont know what to think. I've havent had a relationship where the physical connection was equal or stronger than the emotional.
amaysngrace Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I wish I knew. The problem might be psychological - I don't know for sure. Since my wife and I started seeing each other, my sexual desire for her took a back seat to how we connected emotionally. Over the years, this started to become more and more a problem as I became less and less interested in sex. I dont know what to think. I've havent had a relationship where the physical connection was equal or stronger than the emotional. What you say is so ironic to me...I just broke it off with a recently divorced guy for this very reason. It's the strangest thing, because like you say, he really enjoys my company. I really enjoy his as well. But it's the sex thing. He's okay and all, but not what I'm use to. He plays with my hair and touches my face a lot, but it's just the way I feel when I'm with him that makes me feel like he's just not into me. He has said he has OCD, but I don't know if there is a correlation there or not. When I mentioned that we're not sexually compatible, he said he never had this happen to him before, but I don't believe him. Gosh, I wish there was a way we (you and I) could get to the bottom of this.
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